A question for Moms

[MamaLema]

I've been on quite a roller coaster ride. I stayed home with my 3 boys for 13 years. When the youngest started grade 1, I went back to full time college for 2 years. I just finished yesterday, and I am starting work on Monday for the first time in 15 years.

I have no regrets.

 

[Robinrs]

When I realized the bills had to be paid and I was suddenly the only one paying them.

 

[mariolatry]

We knew someone had to stay home and DH was working on his medical training. I knew that I wanted to nurse as long as possible, which I figured would be hard if I was working. I honestly didn't like mothering infants very much. Now they're almost 3 and 5 and it's so fun and rewarding.

I've thought about going back to work here and there but I would barely make enough to make it worthwhile, after taxes, childcare, and work expenses. And the older they get, the more I realize that they will still need me. Volunteering at school, chaperoning field trips, covering sick days/snow days/school vacations/evenings/nights because my husband is gone constantly and absolutely cannot do those things. Homework, and keeping the household running. Transporting kids alone could be a full-time job! Sometimes I get a little nervous about my resume getting out of date but I'm hoping to work one or two days per week when my kids are in school full-time.

My mom was a working single mom and I was alone all of the time. Quality time is a myth. I love my mother but most of my memories are of her arriving home late, severely stressed. Thank God I was a reasonably good kid or I could've gotten into serious trouble.

 

[iwrbnd]

I had a great teaching job when my DH and I had our surprise first baby. I thought about what to do for a few months. I finally decided on staying home when I realized I had many, many years to work but only a few short years to parent little ones. I'm glad I stayed home. I went back when my youngest was in preschool. I worked for 3 years and just found out this week my position was cut due to school budget cuts. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted! I'm not sure what I'll do next year.

 

[PollyannaMom]

....It's such a personal decision. You just have to go with your gut at first, and then pay attention to how it's working for you (no pun intended.) If everyone is happy and doing well, yay. If you're talking to yourself, time for a change....

I love that quote! It's so true.

OP - I knew I wanted to stay home, at least for a while, before I even got pregnant. We started putting part of my paycheck away each month to make sure we could do that. Then, before that cusion ran out, DH got a raise, so I ended up not having to go back to my old job at all. We gave up some extras for a while, but I loved being home when DS was little!

I started working part time (in a whole different field) after he started school, and it's been the best of both worlds for me. I get structure, adult interaction, mental stimulation... but we're not crazy-busy every second because I also have a couple of days a week to do housework and errands. It's the best balance to make my particular family run smoothly, and you'll find yours, too. Like the above poster says - go with your gut, and adjust as needed.

 

[bumbershoot]

I quit my job when I was merely engaged, with no idea DS would come along so soon after the wedding. The job I had when I met DH was supposed to be a way to make money on the side while I got my career going, but then I closed down my career office...and then my boss was literally making me mentally ill...I had to take HMLA leave to keep myself healthier, then quit instead of coming back. Got a few awful temp jobs then a direct job...the last job made me cry every morning, and finally on a commute with DH he just said "go inside and quit, this isn't worth it, we can make it without you working". So I did.

I happily never went back. And since I became pg immediately after the wedding, and spent the next 6 months sleeping, basically, I couldn't imagine having to stay awake for a job interview, let alone a job. Then I had DS and he nursed ALL the time, and I really realized that it would be impossible for me to work.

Now we're homeschooling, so I'm teacher and parent...DH might squeak by with the bare minimum requirements for WA homeschooling, but why push it? I make it just fine.


So that's a long way of saying exactly what I said at the beginning. I knew even before I was pg that staying home would likely be the best way to have the sort of family we wanted.

 

[DeniseinNS]

Here is Canada we get a full year of maternity leave with unemployment and after my first child I thought that maybe I would take that year off and then decide what to do from there. When my daughter was around 6 weeks old I realized that I really missed working, I love my job and I really missed the social interaction from both my co-workers and my friends at work. I decided to work one shift a week and from there I was back at 5 shifts a week by the time she was 6 months. When I had my son I know that I absolutly did not want to be a SAHM but I did take 3 months off. I have been working since I was 14 (36 now) so the thought of not working just seems to weird to me. I work part-time evenings/weekends (20hr week) and my husband's works dayshift mon-fri so our schedule works great for us. I am home during the days and when I am working my husband is home with the kids, we have never had to use a babysitter.

 

[Tinkermommy]

DH and I decided before we got pregnant that we would both work. I really like working and did not want to take the hit on our household income.

When my DD was 6 months, my company was sold and I was out of a job for almost a year. I loved spending time with her but I did not like staying home full-time.

My job now is wonderful. I work at home (with some travel) so I feel I have the best of both worlds. My DH is very supportive which is critical.

BTW, I breastfed both of mine for over 18 months each so it can be done even when traveling. Although the liquid restrictions make it more challenging!

It what works for your family. A happy, satisfied mom means a happy family.

 

[Aisling]

I worked in the medical field until I had my children and then I became a SAHM. When they were older, like in middle school, I went back to work because we could use the extra money and I really liked my job. Fast forward 5 years and my husband got a big salary increase so I no longer "needed" to work. As much as I liked my job, I like my freedom even better, so I'm a permanent SAHM again.

 

[lovesmurfs]

When did you know that you would or wouldn't be returning to work? What made you choose the option you did?

Please know that I am not trying to start a debate by asking this... I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to these questions. I think every mom should do what is best for them and their families.

I only ask because I have ended up on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy which is eating into my leave time. I had always thought that I would return to work, but now I can't imagine returning when I would have to. It just doesn't seem like it will be enough time.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

At the time of DS, FMLA was 8 weeks. I think I could have gone back at 6 weeks, but I was much more in sync with what needed to be done with a newborn when he was 8 weeks old. The two weeks' difference meant a lot, even though I cried the whole first day back.

The first 4 weeks? I couldn't imagine going back to work, either.

When DD was born (5 1/2 years later), I started an in-home daycare. Takes a special person, and I'm NOT that special person. After 6 months, I was so, so ready to get back to FT work outside the home (as was my family).

A note (not to get into it with a debate -- I don't know your plans) -- I nursed DS for 6 months, DD for 9 months -- it's challenging, but can work with working outside the home.

 

[jodifla]

Always knew I'd go back to work! Just not cut out to be a SAHM, although I did do it for awhile. (Which only reinforced my thoughts on the matter.)

But, either my DH or I have only worked either PT or from home since DS was born, so we have a lot more flexibility. When DS was first born, DH worked from home and/or part time. Now, I work part time.

I, for one, love my career and the work that goes into it. I like keeping my skills fresh. The extra money also makes for a nicer standard of living.

 

[HM]

I had to return to work after my children were born.

We could not afford to live on just my husband's salary when my DS was born. I was on bed rest for two weeks before due date and he was two weeks late. I could only take 9 weeks leave with him after he was born.

When my DD was born, my DH had lost his job to a company buy-out and so I was the sole breadwinner. The day I went on bedrest was the day his last day at work! I was on bed rest for six weeks with her, so had to return to work six weeks after her birth (part-time at first to ease me in). DH stayed home with the kids while he looked for a job.

It's hard to have to leave them when they are little, but if you have to, you do it and don't regret it.

 

[MiniGirl]

We always knew one of us would stay home. Dh is an airline pilot, and I was a flight attendant. We know many couples like us that had children and both kept flying, but most of them had strong family support and last minute childcare available in case of weather delays, mechanical problems, etc. We did not have that. Since dh made significantly more than I did, it just made sense for me to stay home. I was apprehensive at first. I never saw myself as a SAHM. It had been over 10 years now, and I do enjoy being at home.

 

[Skatermom23]

I figured I would stay home until my youngest started school. I thought my day would magically free up then. Of course that didn't happen, so I continued to stay home. Over the years dh and I realized that this worked for us. Dh has been able to focus on his work, without having to worry about the kids and their schedules. My oldest is in college and my youngest will go off next year. I am still going to stay home. We have grown accustomed to our routine and enjoy our totally free weekends because all the errands are done. This might not work for all marriages but it does for us. I say do whatever feels right for your family.

 

[waltskids]

I am a teacher and always knew I would go back to work after having both children. With DS I had him in late fall and took off the rest of the school year and went back in September. With DD I had her right before the school year ended last year, and decided to take off this year. I will return in the fall. I am not cut out to be a SAHM and I enjoy my career too. Plus the two salaries allows us to do things as a family and not worry so much about money. I think it's really a personal decision and each family is so different.

 

[2binak]

I always knew I wanted to continue working after having kids. I've always enjoyed it, I'm good at it and I find it quite fufiling. If I had stayed home I wouldn't have been happy. I've been fortunate in that I've been able to find a balance between work and home and have great support from DH in keeping the home front up and running. I've never regretted my decision.

I could have written this post myself.

 

[BethID]

I also always knew that I would work after having my children. I am the major wage earner and we could not make it on DH salary alone. Plus I think I would go batty if I had to stay home all the time. That being said, I work Mon, Tues, Wed and every other weekend, so I am able to volunteer in the kids' classrooms and know what is going on around the neighborhood. Sometimes I do have mom's guilt for not being at every activity, but DH is a teacher, so he usually gets to be there.

I have to say, there is no perfect answer. Whatever works best for your family is the right answer.

 

[smschex]

Before I had kids, I could not imagine myself staying home like my mom and grandmothers had. After all, I had put in years of post grad education and was doing exactly what I had planned. The surprise was when they put my daughter in my arms for the first time, I never wanted to leave her! Because of my work commitments, I took only 8 weeks off and returned to work full time. I pumped and managed to keep nursing for 6 months. Even though we had wonderful in home childcare, it killed me to hand her over every morning. Finally when she was almost 2, I changed jobs and drastically cut my hours. It was the best decision I ever made.

Now 4 kids and 20 years later, I work about 8 hours a week, just enough to keep my hand in (since I only have one marketable skill, in case DH gets hit by a bus or something). I have been asked why I don't return full time now that all the kids are in school or out of the house, but I am busier now than when they were small and at home all the time. No matter what they may say, I have found teenagers really like knowing there is a parent available if they or their friends need a ride or a shoulder to cry on.

 

[StitchFanZ]

I worked when my kids were young as I earned more then DH and had a boss that let me pick my own schedule so I would keep working. I did some crazy stuff like go in at 4 AM and work three 10 or 12 hour days and then fill in the rest but it enabled us to not need outside daycare.
I set a goal to be a SAHM by the time my kids hit middle school. I am so very, very glad that I'm home now. It is awesome to be home with them and available to them and thier friends. I see the struggle of their friend's moms who opted to stay home when their kids were little and now are returning to work. They don't want thier kids to come home to an empty house and not be able to get to activities.
I don't think there is any easy answer.

 

[princessbride6205]

I had envisioned myself a SAHM when having kids was just in the back of my mind. DD was a surprise and we were not financially ready for the cost of a child, much less losing my income.
I developed several flex plans for work and presented them to my boss while pregnant. I took my 12 weeks unpaid maternity leave and 2 weeks before returning to work, was told they decided against offering any flexible work options. I could choose to work full time OR work 4 days a week with a 20% pay cut, no benefits and a demotion. I couldn't afford the latter option so I went back full time. I had PPD so I felt like I wasn't cut out to be a SAHM and was glad to return to work, just wished it wasn't full time or that I could work from home even 1 day a week.
I've continued to pitch working from home and denied several more times.
My job is stressful, fulfilling only about 20% of the time, and I really regret not being able to spend more time with DD. We can afford for me to be part time now, but work will not allow that anymore. I still don't see myself as a SAHM and haven't had luck finding part time work that covers the cost of daycare. So I'm stuck.
Sorry to be the downer in your posts. Whatever option you choose, it may work or not work for you. Hopefully you're able to make a decision that you can be happy with. I know I've read studies that women who want or have to work find the best balance when they have flexible work options and a good support system.