A question about age appropriate clothing for a 12 year old

[java]

Are you sure she wore it to school that way? Maybe she had a top over it. My daughter's school has a Strict policy on tank tops- they are a no go- the strap at the top has to be at least 3 fingers wide- meaning NO spaghetti straps. But my dd wears them under shirts all the time. *as a layer.

But to school just with a spaghetti strap tank- nope not around here.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just to clear that up, I know some girls when act out for the wrong kind of attention when something like that happens. I don't want to see that happening. I will not go into details of her home life. That is private. But, I don't want to see her trying to get the wrong kind of attention. I just have a gut feeling that is going to happen. She's been part of my life since she was two years old and I care about her so very much.

Unless dad is "on board" with your wishes, I would let it go, even though you don't like it.

You do not want to get in a battle with a teen over clothing as the stepmom.

My dd's are almost 13 and 18.

This is a case of pick your battles. Clothing is not the hill I would die on, you have no power here.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Unless dad is "on board" with your wishes, I would let it go, even though you don't like it.

You do not want to get in a battle with a teen over clothing as the stepmom.

My dd's are almost 13 and 18.

This is a case of pick your battles. Clothing is not the hill I would die on, you have no power here.

That's kind of what I'm thinking. I'll let it go. But, I still want her to put something over the cami when at our house as it is a house rule, my younger DD's will have to follow as well. Ugh, teenagers are rough.

Oh, and to the poster that said I'm picking on her: I've never mentioned it to her. Only to her dad, when she is not around.

 

[MushyMushy]

That's kind of what I'm thinking. I'll let it go. But, I still want her to put something over the cami when at our house as it is a house rule, my younger DD's will have to follow as well. Ugh, teenagers are rough.

Oh, and to the poster that said I'm picking on her: I've never mentioned it to her. Only to her dad, when she is not around.

I'm not the one who made the picking comment, but it can still seem like you're picking on her if you're going to her dad all the time. Not saying you are, but that's an issue we can have in our house. My husband will complain to me about petty things with my son (he's been in his life since he was 3) and it really does seem to me like my husband's picking on him, even though my son never hears any of it.

 

[coles1mom]

Just to clear that up, I know some girls when act out for the wrong kind of attention when something like that happens. I don't want to see that happening. I will not go into details of her home life. That is private. But, I don't want to see her trying to get the wrong kind of attention. I just have a gut feeling that is going to happen. She's been part of my life since she was two years old and I care about her so very much.

Oh, I see. Well if she handled her parents divorce ok, she should be fine. It is sad she has been through it twice in her short life.

Clothes, not worth the battle. Please try and let it go.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think he's uncomfortable with her turning into a teenager. When I've brought stuff up about her growing up, he rolls his eyes and says he doesn't want to think about it. And I don't want him to discipline her for it. I would like him to talk to her more about growing up, respect for oneself and body, and the right kind of attention.

And, I understand it's not my place to make judgements on what she wears to school, it is her father's and mother's. But, I do feel I have the right to be concerned, as she is a part of my life and a role model to her little sisters.

I would not make her a "role model" to your dd's, that is biting off more than you can chew and a little too early for that.

Now if she was 18, in college, doing well, etc. then yes, she would be a good role model. That is something earned alone as a person and not forced if that makes sense.

I guess my point is she will "model behavior" for your dd's good and bad, that is just reality.

As far as your dh not getting involved with her and discussing the "teen issues", I can see where your frustration with him comes into play. That is probably what is really bothering you overall.

Does your dh spend alone time with her? That is usually when those moments occur. So if your goal is to get your DH to "bond" with her he has to take her out, be with her one on one. That is when your dsd will feel comfortable talking to him and probably vice versa.

 

[Cindyluwho]

I'm not sure I understand what the problem is with the bra straps showing. At least she's wearing a bra!!! I think you should let it go. I honestly thought you were going to say she was wearing a half shirt with no bra and daisy dukes. So she had on a tank top with her bra straps showing. Not the end of the world. And the shirt coming up when she lifts her arms is not that big of a deal either. I REALLY think you should leave these issues to her mother & father. It will not sit well coming from you IMHO. And as far as what she wears in YOUR house, I would really contemplate if this is a battle you want to start because it can cause your DSD to feel very uncomfortable around you and lead to bigger relationship issues down the road. To be honest, I kind of feel bad for your DSD. It sounds like you are picking on her to me, but maybe I am just overly sensitive having been a teenage DSD at one point. Pick your battles, is all I'm sayin.

I totally agree!! Her belly is only showing WHEN SHE LIFTS HER ARMS??!! the top would have to go down to her crotch for that NOT to happen

As far as the bra straps, not a big deal, it's a fashion thing now, the kids just don't go braless no matter what!! In fact, they think it's pretty gross when they see girls go without a bra. Just the way it is!

It sounds to me like you could be way more supportive of your DSD, take her shopping,take her to lunch, be there for her if you're so worried.

I've had 4 step-mothers, yes FOUR, and my favorites were non-judgmental, who loved me regardless.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Oh, I see. Well if she handled her parents divorce ok, she should be fine. It is sad she has been through it twice in her short life.

Clothes, not worth the battle. Please try and let it go.

My Dh and her mom got divorced when she was 1. This divorce was hard. He'd been with her since she was 2, so for 10 years he was her Stp Dad and there's a long story with that.

Yeah, I'm going to try and let it go. Like everyone's said, there will be bigger battles.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

I've had 4 step-mothers, yes FOUR, and my favorites were non-judgmental, who loved me regardless.

Oh, I do love her regardless of anything. She's as much my own as the other's in my mind, that's why it's hard to butt out when I think I see something that her Dad's not. It's good to hear from people who've been in her shoes. My parents never divorced and I didn't have many friends growing up that had divorced parents either. I honestly don't know where my line is: from concerned Step Parent to nosy intruder. Being a step mom is hard work!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

As far as your dh not getting involved with her and discussing the "teen issues", I can see where your frustration with him comes into play. That is probably what is really bothering you overall.

Does your dh spend alone time with her? That is usually when those moments occur. So if your goal is to get your DH to "bond" with her he has to take her out, be with her one on one. That is when your dsd will feel comfortable talking to him and probably vice versa.

I think you've hit the nail on the head the more I think about it. I really, really want him to spend more one on one time with her. He's the only stable male that is in her life and I think it is so important for a young girl to have Daddy there to talk with and support. He never had a father in his life so I think he is having a hrad time figuring this all out as well.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Have you tried to facilitate those one-on-one opportunities???
Is your DH willing and ready and capable???
I fear that he is not.

If he 'accepts' this kind of dress (or behaviors or whatever....) then, unfortunately, you will be barking up the wrong tree if you are hoping that he will step up.

I do think that it is also important that she has a positive and appropriate female role model in her life as well.... Instead of drawing lines in the sand (which it really does sound like you are tempted to do..... "in MY house... etc... yada..."), it might be better to, like, go shopping.... encourage her to try clothing that is 'cool' and makes her look great, without showing quite as much skin....

As others have said, I think you may want to slightly adjust your viewpoint on what might be acceptable... I appreciate your more modest outlook... But, you don't want to go overboard trying to force YOUR standards on your stepdaughter.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yeah, I'm going to try and let it go. Like everyone's said, there will be bigger battles.

I guess I will be the lone dissenter. I don't think clothing is a battle to ignore IN YOUR OWN HOME. There is nothing wrong with you expecting her to dress appropriately in your own home.

I hate my stepmother. Loathe her. Have for decades.

Gotta say--recently, I just realized that despite ALL of her faults, there was some wisdom in *some* of the ways that she dealt with me.

Being a step-mom is tough. But I wouldn't relax the rules in my own home just because of that. Step-children certainly can accomodate that things are different in one home than in the other.

Remember--you are a parent and a step-parent. It isn't your job to be the best friend of any child that you raise.

It really sounds like her cami is too small though b/c all the shirts that I have had through my tweens to my 30s are either designed to cover the tummy or they are not designed to cover the tummy. And if they are designed to cover--but can't..that usually means you've got a pooch or a muffin top and likely aren't supposed to be wearing that outfit anyway.

 

[Cindyluwho]

For all of you who are upset about the girls' tummy showing. The OP state tht IT ONLY SHOWS WHEN SHE RAISES HER ARMS!!

Geez, people, it's not like she's wearing a 1/2 shirt of something!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, I would consider my DMiL to be one of the classiest ladies I have ever known--and SHE was earing just a tank top (and bra with clear straps) as a top out to tour castles on Monday (it was HOT). She is 66.

DD12 wears tanks all the time in the summer. She is not yet interested in boys (I keep expecting it to happen)--though they are interested in her (she looks 16-20 no matter how she dresses; 5'6", curvy as heck, more serious personality). She would rather the bra straps not show--but that is near impossible with a tank and she NEEDS a bra. Her school has no restrictions on this so she can and ocasionally (when it is very hot) does wear them to school. The "look" she generally has when she wears a tank is "sporty" not "sexy" and it has never bothered me or DH. Honestly, since she is not trying for sexy and is just going for comfortable.

Most of her friends wear tank tops. Many much shorter and tighter with lots of sparkles, etc., and paired with short shorts with writing across the butt, etc. DD looks conservative by comparison.

Are you really SURE you wll not be okay with tank tops IN THE HOUSE when your DDs are older? If that is really going to be your hard and fast rule forever then go ahead and enforce this now (no flames from me at all if htis is your belief). BUT, really the only people I know who do not allow them in their own homes on hot days are people whose religions specifically prohibit doing so. I think it would be very bad for your relationship with your SD if you make her cover up in the house now and then let her little sisters wear tanks when they are older. I can see insisting she cover up when you take her out somewhere (shopping, dinner, etc.) but within the privacy of her home I just can't understand that personally. Even I wear tank tops to clean house, do yeard work, etc. If you ever do that I really do not think you should enforce the rule (just my opinion).

As far as your husband goes. Maybe it would help them to have good one on one time (as you would like them to have) if you arrange for some special outings. Dad's often are not so good at the planning stuff. Maybe if you see that a musical is in town that she would want to see (even at the local high school) maybe you can buy tickets for just the two of them and suggest he take her for ice cream after the show, or buy movie tickets, etc.

BTW--I think it is fantastic that you seem so concerned and care so much about your step daughter.

 

[C.Ann]

Middle school policy would not allow it here.. DGD will be 11 soon and starting MS.. This weekend she brought up all of her school clothes that were purchased last week and she will be well covered..

When your DSD is in your home - where she can influence your own children - I think there should be a standard set of rules concerning clothing, behavior, etc.. Does your DH not agree?

 

[mchames]

The bra straps showing... not a big deal. The tummy showing when she lifts her arms means the shirt is probably a bit too small. If mom is going through a second divorce and there are other issues at home, she may not have noticed that the girl has had a growth spurt.

My DD11 (12 in November) has had a huge growth spurt over the last few months. Clothes that were perfectly acceptable in May and June when we bought them, look ridiculous now. I don't know how many times I have sent her back to her room to change and I get the "Mommmmmmmmm, it's my favorite. We just bought it!"

Perhaps a shopping trip is in order!?!

 

[Pigeon]

I've got a 12 year old dd. I wouldn't send her to school in an outfit like that, but do let her wear tank tops with spaghetti straps at home. We usually buy the kind with the built in shelf bra, and I don't let her wear super short shorts. They have to come at least half way down her thigh. As for the belly showing--if it's only when she's lifting her arms up, I wouldn't sweat it. And, I would add, I'm more conservative about this stuff than are most of her friends' moms.

I understand that you love this girl and are concerned for her. That's admirable, and I think being a good step mom has got to be a very hard job, particularly through the pre and teen years.

I do think that this issue needs to be between her mom and dad though. She seems to have both of them present in her life--if she didn't, I'd feel differently. It's OK to give her Dad your ten cents on the issue, but other than that, I think you should just bite your tongue and stay out of it unless the child asks you for your advice.

 

[Shelton123]

Tank tops are fine, IMO, if they have wide straps. Spaghetti straps? NSM. Showing her belly? NSM either. Oh, and it shouldn't be skin tight. Or show bra straps.

What I find less appropriate is clothes with two things on the butt. LIke, I've seen sweatpants with two frog paws on the butt, two suns, two hands two this, two that, I think that's very inappropriate.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I would consider my DMiL to be one of the classiest ladies I have ever known--and SHE was earing just a tank top (and bra with clear straps) as a top out to tour castles on Monday (it was HOT). She is 66.

DD12 wears tanks all the time in the summer. She is not yet interested in boys (I keep expecting it to happen)--though they are interested in her (she looks 16-20 no matter how she dresses; 5'6", curvy as heck, more serious personality). She would rather the bra straps not show--but that is near impossible with a tank and she NEEDS a bra. Her school has no restrictions on this so she can and ocasionally (when it is very hot) does wear them to school. The "look" she generally has when she wears a tank is "sporty" not "sexy" and it has never bothered me or DH. Honestly, since she is not trying for sexy and is just going for comfortable.

Most of her friends wear tank tops. Many much shorter and tighter with lots of sparkles, etc., and paired with short shorts with writing across the butt, etc. DD looks conservative by comparison.

Are you really SURE you wll not be okay with tank tops IN THE HOUSE when your DDs are older? If that is really going to be your hard and fast rule forever then go ahead and enforce this now (no flames from me at all if htis is your belief). BUT, really the only people I know who do not allow them in their own homes on hot days are people whose religions specifically prohibit doing so. I think it would be very bad for your relationship with your SD if you make her cover up in the house now and then let her little sisters wear tanks when they are older. I can see insisting she cover up when you take her out somewhere (shopping, dinner, etc.) but within the privacy of her home I just can't understand that personally. Even I wear tank tops to clean house, do yeard work, etc. If you ever do that I really do not think you should enforce the rule (just my opinion).

As far as your husband goes. Maybe it would help them to have good one on one time (as you would like them to have) if you arrange for some special outings. Dad's often are not so good at the planning stuff. Maybe if you see that a musical is in town that she would want to see (even at the local high school) maybe you can buy tickets for just the two of them and suggest he take her for ice cream after the show, or buy movie tickets, etc.

BTW--I think it is fantastic that you seem so concerned and care so much about your step daughter.

My dd13 sound like your dd with the curves. She wears tank tops and camis all summer long (as does dd6 and dd8). I really don't see anything sexy about a tank top, and the cami's are just regular cotton knit - no lace or anything, just tshirt material. I don't mind exposing the shoulders.

 

[luvmy3]

I can think of many shirts me and dd own that would show our bellies if we raised our arms and I have no problem with a fitten cami with spaghetti straps on my dd. It would be different if she wasn't beanpole thin and flat chested, or if the cami had a plunging neckline, but as it is i don't find fitted cami's inappropriate. Our school has a no cami rule so my dd wouldn't be allowed to wear it there, but I wouldn't have a problem with her wearing it to her friends or out.