A question about age appropriate clothing for a 12 year old

[Mrs. Chamberlain]

I'm trying to decide if I have valid concerns or am out of line and possibly an old fogie, lol. My DSD came to our house dressed in what I consider inappropriate attire for a girl who is 12 years old. It was the same outfit she wore to school. It was a skin tight black tank top that showed a hint of her belly when she reached up her arms with spaghetti straps, her white bra straps completely visible. In my opinion, she is crossing the line for school. I brought up my concerns to DH, who completely dismissed them. I told him I would not have made it out of the house alive wearing something like that at 12, and he cameback saying in his school, girls dressed like that all the time. (I think he's full of it!) I told him if we were talking about a 16 year old that would be one thing, but she is 12. This is not the first time she has worn questionable clothing here. I told him I think if they (he and her mother) don't say something now, she could be heading down a bad path. Not only because of the clothing, but her mother recently got divorced and I worry about her craving attention. Her mother had her older brother when she was 16, and really don't want to be a Grandma at 32! Once again, DH dismissed it and got angry at me for not letting it go. I finally told him, I am not her mother so I don't have a say for at school, but when she is in my house, I expect her to be covered.
So, I guess my question is: Is this kind of clothing natural for 12 year olds, or am I out of touch with reality? I'll admit, my girls are only 7 and 2, we live in a small town where she would have been sent home for school for having exposed bra straps, while she lives in a large city. Should I let it go?

Honestly, a lot of 12 year old girls dress worse than that at school. I see these girls when I pick up my little brother from school who wear clothes that honestly make it look like they could be standing on a corner as a job. Be happy she isn't wearing the shorts and skirts that only just cover her butt.

 

[sbell111]

... Should I let it go?

Her mother had no problem with it.
Her father had no problem with it.
You should let it go.

 

[pyrxtc]

I think you should let her mother and your DH decide. It is not for you to complain or make her change since I don't think it is really inappropriate. They have some rules at my DD12's school which I think are a little too strict. I wore way mroe revealing clothes when I was her age and my parents were strict. I remember this one shirt that was open donw the back to my waist and all I wore underneath is a sports bra and leggings on the bottom. I had a pair or two of hammer pants wiht half shirts that clipped to the top of the pants and many shirts that tied just above my navel.

I don't think it is out of line and is age appropriate. She will be a teen soona nd you want to choose your battles carefully.

 

[Pigeon]

You also might want to spend some time thinking about what you would really want to accomplish by getting in the middle of this. You could, as a pp suggested, take the "my house, my rules, wear what I say" approach. It is your house and you do get to set basic rules. But I think it's a fine line for step parents when this is an effective strategy.

If I were the step mother, I'd think hard about what taking this stand would really mean. You're not going to change what she wears to school most of the time. So, if your concern is that she might be thought of negatively by teachers, you aren't going to make a difference. You're not going to change what she wears around her friends most of the time, because her mom is fine with these clothes.

As for worrying about her contaminating the minds of your own children, I'm not seeing that. Your children know she has a different mother. They are going to see kids wearing far worse than tank tops when they get a few years older. I'm sure there are many areas where your step daughter's mother parents differently than you do, so I think that's a pretty simple explanation for your kids. If she were doing something that was genuinely destructive in your home--wearing chains that scratch the furniture, for example, then I think the "my house my rules" stand applies. But because you have a different fashion sense than the child's mother? Mmmm.

It's clear from your post that you love this child. This is such a sensitive time, particularly for a girl, when she's developing a sense of self and her own style. I'm dealing with that with my 12 year old. I think that if I were you, I'd see myself as a support, a role model, and an advocate for the child, and I wouldn't want to do things to unnecessarily shut down lines of communication unless it were a serious issue. In other words, I guess I wouldn't sweat what I see as fairly small stuff, especially since she has a mother to make those decisions, even if you don't see eye to eye with her.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Thanks everyone for your responses! It's great to hear from mom's of other pre-teens. I did have a talk with her today, just a general funny talk about clothes. She proved to me once again what a good head she has on her shoulders. If anything, it has led to a positive talk between us and a fun day. I think both her dad and I need to realize she's growing up pretty quickly.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhhh yes... they grow up SO fast!!!

 

[wdhinn89]

I'm trying to decide if I have valid concerns or am out of line and possibly an old fogie, lol. My DSD came to our house dressed in what I consider inappropriate attire for a girl who is 12 years old. It was the same outfit she wore to school. It was a skin tight black tank top that showed a hint of her belly when she reached up her arms with spaghetti straps, her white bra straps completely visible. In my opinion, she is crossing the line for school. I brought up my concerns to DH, who completely dismissed them. I told him I would not have made it out of the house alive wearing something like that at 12, and he cameback saying in his school, girls dressed like that all the time. (I think he's full of it!) I told him if we were talking about a 16 year old that would be one thing, but she is 12. This is not the first time she has worn questionable clothing here. I told him I think if they (he and her mother) don't say something now, she could be heading down a bad path. Not only because of the clothing, but her mother recently got divorced and I worry about her craving attention. Her mother had her older brother when she was 16, and really don't want to be a Grandma at 32! Once again, DH dismissed it and got angry at me for not letting it go. I finally told him, I am not her mother so I don't have a say for at school, but when she is in my house, I expect her to be covered.
So, I guess my question is: Is this kind of clothing natural for 12 year olds, or am I out of touch with reality? I'll admit, my girls are only 7 and 2, we live in a small town where she would have been sent home for school for having exposed bra straps, while she lives in a large city. Should I let it go?

Sounds to me like you are just starting trouble. Do you pick on your step children often?

 

[aprilgail2]

Her mother had no problem with it.
Her father had no problem with it.
You should let it go.

 

[ginna74]

Sounds to me like you are just starting trouble. Do you pick on your step children often?

:

well my daughter started to dress in a fashion that I didn't like/ thought wasn't appropriate. Oh I battled for a while then I well, saw what most kids were wearing and realized as people are saying here that I needed to pick my battles. She wasn't/isn't looking like someone who would walk the streets...Not at all, she is just a young lady that looks like a woman.... in whatever she puts on. I can't dress her anymore.... She is growing up and doesn't want her mom to dress her in matching mickey mouse outfits anymore

 

[Cindy B]

I have the same age DD . It is the "style" to show bra straps-- as another PP stated there are so many different colors to go with tanks. My DD doesn't like to wear that, but many of her friends do.

When belly shows only when raised arms, that is NOT a big deal either. Consider that 1- she was wearing a bra, 2-that is was not a 1/2 shirt to begin with.

Perhaps the OP should go to stores, mall or the local middle school to see what 12 yr. olds are wearing. Stop into any Hollister, Aeropostale, American Eagle, Abercrombie, Garage (my DD's fave!) to see what is going on. Make a mental note what other kids are wearing or NOT wearing.

It really could be so much worse and this is so minor in comparison. Having younger kids makes it so difficult to see what older ones are doing because you have no vantage point.

We only have one rule, No writing on the butt. My daughter is a pretty conservative dresser to begin with and she is very modest. I know I'm lucky and it may change when she gets older but for right now I will take it.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Sounds to me like you are just starting trouble. Do you pick on your step children often?

Of course I do. All step mother's on the Dis are "the bad guys."

If you'd actually read any of my follow up posts, you'd realize that I've never said anything negative about her clothing to her and that I love her incredibly much. But, good for you for trying to get attention by being the stand out witch in the voice of reason. How enlightening your post was compared to all of the people on here who are giving me credible advice that I can use without knocking my step parenting skills considering they've never even met me nor her. I should not have to defend myself to you anyway.

THANKS FOR MAKING THE DIS WHAT IT IS!