A note of DS11 I found - Help!

[buzzlady]

I found this note in the dryer after doing laundry. It was written by my DS11!! It was in three pieces and this is what is said:

XXXXX(girls name)

I realy do want to make out with you but I don't know where and my mom is gay (I am - I didn't know that ~ my husband will be surprised to here that part) and will prob find out sooner than later because some...(I can't read this part)...and will find out....(can't read this part)...See you


I'm waiting for my husband with this one to confront him with the note. I'm not sure what part I'm more upset about. I don't even think DS understand or knows what gay means.

 

[mickeysaver]

I personally hate it's corrupted usage, but the word "gay" as your son has used it means lame or stupid. It was not used to describe your sexual orientation.

As for the rest of the note, it sounds like you guys need to really clear open the path of communication with your kid. He seems to have taken a liking to this girl and your input will affect his behavior.

Welcome to the wonderful and ever changing world of parenting!
Maggie

 

[sue1013]

Doing laundry always causes problems no wonder I try to avoid it. Another gay mom here. I think I've been gay for about 7 yrs. DS is 17, I think from the age of 10 we (DH and me) became gay. Not sure if we'll ever get to be straight again.

 

[CBRorBust]

I am almost positive that your son did not mean "gay" in the homosexual sense, but rather the un-pc version so many people have given that term. It's so mean and hurtful, but true. Especially kids, I don't think that they all mean it to be a homophobic comment, but instead a slang version of a word with a whole different meaning. Just like PHAT, it sounds like your calling someone FAT which is hurtful, but they use PHAT to mean something different.

However......OOoooo you got caught reading his PERSONAL LETTER! I know a little invasion of privacy, even when it is dangling in your face and not looked for, is allowed! Especially when it deals with a kissy-face subject like "making out."

I would not *yell, punish, etc.* your son, just sit him down and have you know "that conversation" with him, and don't forget to mention that using the word "gay" is not acceptable, in that sense, if it is not in your eyes.

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't even think DS understand or knows what gay means.

It is likely that he knows much more than you could possibly imagine... I highly doubt he meant that he thinks you are homsexual in any sense of the word, although I bet he knows what the literal meaning of gay is...


You are lucky to have found a glimpse into your sons mind...although it may not feel like luck, huh? ...but, in reality, this situation is an opportunity, many parents never have any idea what is 'going on' in their childrens minds...

they cling to naive fantasies their children are pure as the driven snow and won't think these sorts of thoughts until right before their engagement is announced at the ripe age of 30....

I would definitely sit him down (with you and/or dad) and have the 'talk' about sex, hormone changes, respect (not just respecting your mom, but respecting the opposite sex), responsibility etc...even if you have already talked about this issue, it needs to be reinforced, over and over again...throughout the teen years...

Sounds like he is maturing faster than you expected...it happens...

 

[buzzlady]

Originally posted by CBRorBust
I am almost positive that your son did not mean "gay" in the homosexual sense, but rather the un-pc version so many people have given that term.
However......OOoooo you got caught reading his PERSONAL LETTER! I know a little invasion of privacy, even when it is dangling in your face and not looked for, is allowed! Especially when it deals with a kissy-face subject like "making out."

I agree that I don't think he used it in the homosexual sense. Like I said, I don't think he even knows what that means. All the kids around here use it in a slang way. I don't consider it an invasion of privacy. I washed a load of school clothes and it went through the wash and fell out in the dryer. I had to make sure that it wasn't a note home from the teacher Time for another, maybe more indepth, talk. And it's nice to know that I'm not alone

 

[Serena]

Nah, you're not alone in the land of confusion.

 

[poohandwendy]

Like I said, I don't think he even knows what that means.

Why do you think he doesn't know what 'gay' means? If you are shocked that he wants to make out...he has proven to be more mature than you thought....At 11, it is likely he has heard the definition on the bus, schoolyard, locker room, television etc......

 

[Bichon Barb]

My kids, unfortunately, use the term "gay". I'm continually correcting them, but I think kids use the term so much that it's become a really bad habit. And I've told them what it means.

As far as the invasion of privacy issue, that would make a great debate for the DB. All I can say is that with drugs and sexual promiscuity and all the other bad things out there, I think it's a good idea to keep abreast of what's going on in your child's life--even if it means reading his/her notes. I'm sure that someone will counter that we should "trust" our children and "respect" their privacy, but if it means avoiding trouble, kids won't tell us everything and will even lie.


BTW, buzzlady, I think you have a very normal 11 year old.

 

[poohandwendy]

BTW, buzzlady, I think you have a very normal 11 year old.

I totally agree.

 

[luvdzny]

I agree with the ohers about the use of the term "gay" - he was probably just saying that you aren't "cool." As far as the "making out" part, that may not be as bad as it sounds either. Kids in this area call kissing "making out." This might not be what you want to hear about your 11 year old, but when I was young "making out" was worse!!! Also, from what I remember from when DS was that age (8 years ago) the girls were a lot more aggressive then the boys were.

 

[Cindy B]

If it makes the OP feel any better, I work with 11 year olds.

According to my students, These things are gay:

Homework
School
School projects
Other teachers (male or female)
parents
other kids in class
tests
and even school supplies (yellow pencils are gay, vs mechanical pencils "not gay")

Now, if that makes you feel better, even "things" are "gay".

It sounds like a very normal 11 year old.

 

[poohandwendy]

(yellow pencils are gay, vs mechanical pencils "not gay")

This made me laugh out loud...so true...I am not sure why though...

 

[Cindy B]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
This made me laugh out loud...so true...I am not sure why though...

My students say this all the time. (and I can't figure it out either)

Its usually the boy students, but a few "tougher" girl students say it as well.

My thought is: that yellow pencils were juveline or for kids.. hence "gay", but the mechanical pencils "cool " or "more mature" are not gay...

 

[Sleepy]

I would be more concerned with what his definition of "make out" is rather than his definition of the word "gay".

 

[Bichon Barb]

OMG! That is too funny. My 10 year old is always asking for mechanical pencils. And I just thought he wanted to be an engineer or something! I didn't realize that yellow pencils had become "gay".

Come to think of it. Another word I've heard the boys use (which really ticks me off) is "retard". As in "Stop acting like a retard." They have a 14 year old niece who has Downs. I've explained how mean it is, and asked them how their cousin or aunt would feel if they said it in front of them. I think they finally got it, because I rarely hear them use the word.

 

[chager]

According to DS9 "making out" means laying next to each other and kissing. He actually told everyone that a couple years ago and still sticks with it. He does understand "gay" and "homosexual". It was very unfortunate the way he had to learn about that considering he was only 7. Our big announcement was he wants to "french kiss Hilary Duff". I asked him if he knew what that meant. He didn't. We had a very short talk about it at which he declared it to be absolutely "gross"! I have reminded him to be careful about using words if he doesn't know their meaning. We had another similar conversation today at lunch with him and a friend (12). I wish I could remember exactly what was said now becuase it was too funny! I'll post later if my brain starts functioning again.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

As a HS teacher I wouldn't even worry about his use of the word "gay"--while it may offend, your concern does need to be his definition of the phrase "Making out". If it means what it used to in the 80s (heavy kissing, some groping) you need to have the discussion about sex NOW, because as we all know that kind of making out can lead to other stuff.
Where I teach we have had 7th graders experimenting with oral sex--not all of them, of course, but with my oldest in 6th grade I am constantly on the lookout for stuff like that. We live in another school district but I don't look at preteen sex through rose colored glasses anymore. Some kids also think oral sex is OK as opposed to what we might call "going all the way". I hope your talk with DS goes well! It seems to be needed earlier these days.
BTW, in our house anything I find in the washer/dryer is fair game, and that includes $5 in babysitting money DD lost to me last week. If they throw the pants in the hamper without checking the pockets, they lose.
Robin M.

 

[Kallison]

Originally posted by Rock'n Robin

Where I teach we have had 7th graders experimenting with oral sex--not all of them, of course, but with my oldest in 6th grade I am constantly on the lookout for stuff like that. We live in another school district but I don't look at preteen sex through rose colored glasses anymore. Some kids also think oral sex is OK as opposed to what we might call "going all the way". I hope your talk with DS goes well! It seems to be needed earlier these days.
Robin M. [/B]

Robin is so right. I work in a middle school also. Most of my mother friends are CLUELESS as to what goes on as young as 6th-7th grade. I was pretty clueless myself until three years ago. If you haven't discussed the facts of life and do not discuss it on a regular basis you need to be doing it. We talk about it a lot, respect for girls, being your own person, etc. etc.

 

[jimmytammy]

Youve got the "gay" part figured out so I wont got there.

As a father of an 11 yr old DD and a 9 yr old DS I will advice you to seriously talk with your son. He knows A LOT more than we as parents want to or wish we had to give them credit for.

If you let him watch TV or go to the movies he knows the difference in opposite sexes in more ways than ooh yuck shes a girrrl!! Hes at the age where he notices girls and thats OK.
Where he takes it is what you need to be concerned with.

He may not enjoy the talk, but it sounds like its time to have it.
Let him know how he got here. You might be one of the lucky ones who found out soon enough that your little one is not as naive and innocent as we would like to think they are.

He will hear it from you the right way or he will hear it from the wrong people.

Good luck and Pixie dust!!