A moral delimma of sorts... Advice please

[Microcell]

I will try to make this short. I am estranged from my father, and my sister isn't. I mentioned to her that he blew off my kids birthdays, no card, nothing. One was in mid April and one was at the end of April. I think she said something because today in the mail came an envelope for one of the kids. It was for the kid who is older and will take note that the other kid was forgotten. It would make her sad for her brother, she is a sensitive kid.

I am not interested in a relationship with my father so I don't really care if it is an olive branch or anything.

She is at school and I could send it return to sender back to him, but I wonder if that is not right? I thought of emailing him and telling him that it would put DD in a compromising position if I gave it to her. That is more because I don't want to rile him up. When he is mad and thinking crazy (he really is) I do worry for my safety. It is a case where he hasen't snapped, but the potential is there. If he does, I don't want him around me. He will start calling if he doesn't get a thank you letter or else I would just ignore the whole thing.

What to do?

 

[pearlieq]

What I'm not sure I understand is why, if you are estranged from your father, were you expecting any acknowledgment of the kids' birthdays and why you said anything about it to your sister?

I'm not saying this to be rude or anything. I am estranged from my father as well and would never expect him to acknowledge any family birthdays. In fact, I would be kind of horrified if he did. I'm happy being estranged--my life is simpler and better without him and I'd like it to stay that way.

About your situation, there's a couple of things I'm thinking:

1.) There may be something for the other sibling. I may just have gotten mailed a day later or caught up in processing or something. You may want to wait a few days before doing anything.

2.) Regarding the kids, do you want them to have any kind of relationship with their grandfather? If you don't, the best thing to do would be just to quietly dispose of the card. It would only confuse them to give them a card from him but then explain that they weren't going to have any contact with him. You could just return it to him, but even that is still a reponse, still paying attention to him. If you really mean to have no contact with him, just dump it in the trash and screen your calls for a while. You are not obligated to respond to him.

3.) If you do want them to have a relationship, what kind? Visits? Letters? Phone calls? Best to figure that out before the kids get involved.

4.) I think your DD could be able to understand that people aren't perfect and that grandpa just might not be able to keep everyone's birthday straight. Maybe you could give her the idea to "share" the card (and anything that might have been slipped in that card) with her brother. You could talk to her about it before hand, then go in together and explain it to him and open it together.

This sounds like a really rough situation. I wish you the best in trying to deal with it.

 

[dg39]

Give it a few days before deciding what to do. The mail is crazy and it could be that even though he may have mailed both cards together, you'll be getting the other in a day or two. Hold on to the card that you already have and don't mention it or give it to your child yet. Good luck.....

 

[SillyMe]

I'm such a moron. Forgive me for laughing, but my PM to you probably doesn't make any sense. I saw this thread, hit the back button, came back to post and when I came back somehow it took me to your "problems with the board" thread and I got confused. I Pm'd you, now came back and found this.

Anywho, how old are your kids? That's a tough decision, but I had sort of a similar situation with my kids and my ex-MIL several years ago. She was ticked and not speaking to us, so she skipped my oldest dd's birthday. The younger one's b-day came around and she sent cards to BOTH of my girls. It was obvious it was a cover-up for skipping the oldest's birthday. Sorry, a few months too late. Fortunately, my youngest was too young to know anything so we ripped the checks up and didn't give them to the girls. I did not want friction between my kids.

 

[PaulaSue]

Wait a few days and see if another card is going to come for your DS. After that time, if nothing else came, I would return it with a note just like you posted.

 

[Sherri]

Wait a few days and see if another card is going to come for your DS. After that time, if nothing else came, I would return it with a note just like you posted.

Definatly wait a day or to in case something else arrives for DD.
Also, maybe he included it all in one envolope. You never know.

 

[Christine]

What I'm not sure I understand is why, if you are estranged from your father, were you expecting any acknowledgment of the kids' birthdays and why you said anything about it to your sister?

Yes, OP, can you elaborate on this? If you are estranged from your father, why did you expect him to acknowledge the kids are even mention it?

 

[Microcell]

I will wait.

Silly -I wanted to resopnd to your PM but I am having so much trouble I wont. Double posted and the board was so slow and weird stuff was happening I thought I would ask!

I care despite myself. He never fails to send me a birthday card and my sister was asking me to come over at the same time as my father because she has a video phone and he was coming to see my other sister and neice by video phone. All my sisters are deaf and they get free video phones so they all have one and the way I can see my sisters is through the phone, so she was giving me the opportunity to do that.

She is always the peacemaker. I brought it up because I was defending my decision not to see him because basically, he is trying to reach out by always sending me a card on my birthday but that this is the second year in a row that blew off my kids. I was saying that she should know the way to my heart is through treating my children well, and that I could care less that he sends me a card, but hurting my kids is not acceptable. DD is 8 and DS is 4. She took note of his blow off, unfortunately. Now that could be rectified but I fear the doofus blew off her brother, which will make her sad for him and feeling awkward.

Interestingly his mother did the same thing to me as a kid, she decided I was the favorite and sent me "Unbirthday" card on my other sister's birthdays I got 4 cards a year and they got none. She had Schitzophrenia though, he is only clinically depressed.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

What I'm not sure I understand is why, if you are estranged from your father, were you expecting any acknowledgment of the kids' birthdays and why you said anything about it to your sister?

This was my thought as well. Why would he acknowledge the birthday when you are estranged from him? I realize it is a nice thing to do, but if I didn't have relationship with someone I wouldn't think they would just sent something for a birthday.

I think you should send it back regardless of if another card comes. If you don't feel safe having a relationship with your father, then your children shouldn't have one either.

Just my two cents.

 

[Microcell]

Plane, I kind of think you are right. I probably should send it back.

My sister is always starting junk like this with the best intentions. She has no kids and mine have brought her such joy and she is so kind hearted that she wants to mend my father and I because it makes her so sad that he can't enjoy them like she does. The crux of the problem is that he is incapable of truly loving any of his children or grandchildren. Everything is all about him. I think he did some things when I was a kid that he should apologize for and he thinks he did nothing wrong. He and his wife think I was trying to break up their marriage (perish the thought- he would have started physically abusing us instead of just mental if she left!) when I was not so I feel no need to apologize either.

My sister just wants everyone to get along, but he is not any good for my kids and does not provide any benefit to them so I wish she would have said nothing.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since you say your dad is crazy, for real, you send the 'thank you' and don't give the card to your kid. Problem solved.
You cannot reason with crazy & I wouldn't try.
Sending it back is asking for more crap. I wouldn't go there.

You have to discipline yourself to not talk to your sister about your father, ever.

Also if you are going to be estranged you should not expect a relationship with your kids. No cards, no nothing.

 

[disykat]

I don't get how people are hung up on the word estranged. I didn't know there were rules for "estrangement". It is quite possible the OP has a distant relationship with her father, yet he has kept in contact with her children until recently. This is the kind of thing sisters talk about. If I couldn't talk about it with my sister, I'd probably consider myself estranged from her!

Microcell, I agree with the others. Wait a few days and see what happens. If nothing comes for the younger child, just keep the card. Sending it back would cause more problems. If the younger child won't notice, I'd give it to the older child along with an explanation that it looks like grandpa is having some memory issues and not make a real deal about it.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Yes, OP, can you elaborate on this? If you are estranged from your father, why did you expect him to acknowledge the kids are even mention it?

Also why would you email your father?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't get how people are hung up on the word estranged. I didn't know there were rules for "estrangement". It is quite possible the OP has a distant relationship with her father, yet he has kept in contact with her children until recently. This is the kind of thing sisters talk about. If I couldn't talk about it with my sister, I'd probably consider myself estranged from her!

I am hung up on the word "CRAZY", not estranged. If her dad is "crazy" and the sister goes and tells the dad info, that is not in her best interest.

 

[grimley1968]

First of all, I'd wait a few days. You never know what will happen and a second card may arrive.

If a second card does not arrive, you could simply give your older girl her card, out of earshot of the younger brother. Tell her to keep it quiet around her brother. To get around her being sad for little brother, just tell her little brother also got one and that you told him to keep quiet about it in front of her. That's kind of a complicated white lie, but it could do the trick, while giving you time to figure out how you want your father to interact with your kids.

 

[mickeyfan2]

You could also open the first card to see how it was signed (and if anything is in it), buy a second card, sign it from the GF, put it in the mail and then give them both one. If there is a check in the first card, remove it and split it between their two accounts.

 

[Disney Doll]

Since you say your dad is crazy, for real, you send the 'thank you' and don't give the card to your kid. Problem solved.
You cannot reason with crazy & I wouldn't try.
Sending it back is asking for more crap. I wouldn't go there.

You have to discipline yourself to not talk to your sister about your father, ever.

Also if you are going to be estranged you should not expect a relationship with your kids. No cards, no nothing.

If I was fearful of a relaitonship with my father, my children would not have one.

You need to decide what you want...relationship or none.

MM gives good advice on what to do with this situaiton.

Send a thank you..generic, short, sweet. Stop talking to oyur sister about your father, then she'll have no ammunition or reason to get involved.

 

[Microcell]

Also why would you email your father?

My thinking was that if I send the card back without explination it would incite him, and I could get a creepy phone call. He has threatened me in the past when provoked.

If I send it back and email him that I thought DD might feel bad taking it, and said it in a respectful tone he would probably not take it as a personal attack and maybe leave me alone. Sending it back to him without explination I am almost sure would cause him to be upset.

My sister's take on him is that he is fine if you are getting along, and keeping things light and civil he is fine. He probably would be if I chose to try to keep in contact with him and allowed his equally crazy wife (who is more outspoken and annoys me) to be around us. She would be passive aggressive and say things that are out of line and he would smile a nervous smile as long as I don't anger his darling wife. She and I are oil and water, so not angering her is out of the question. I would never leave him alone with my kids, and am pretty satisfied with things the way they are.

His wife is one of the many reasons we are ultimately estranged. I take "estranged" to mean that he really knows nothing about me and I him. We don't generally speak. I last saw him on DS4's 1st birthday. I last spoke to him when my grandfather died in October, and all I could say was "I am sorry for your loss". Before that it was three years ago. I call that estranged.

BTW those of you who said not to talk to my sister about him is dead on correct! Now if I could get you all to tell her to stop mentioning him to me! Too bad she is not a Diser- she is the evil anti Dis- the eye rolling relative who does not understand why we take all the trips there!