a MIL vent!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MAKmom]

She is BLACKMAILING you. Do not do anything you do not want to do. If DH wants to fly home early let him but I would stay on vacation.

 

[laura001]

Okay!!! Thanks for the details!!!

As mentioned... I know how this kind of thing can be!

You had titled your thread a MIL vent. But, really, your MIL is a 78 year old woman who is going to stir the pot and do what she is going to do... Let that go...

Your MIL is not the cause of your pain right now. Like you said, who cares that much if you go to the reunion thing or not???

The real issue here is that your MIL caused YOUR CHILDREN a lot of grief and distress. For your DH to argue and fight about this with you and to run to mama's is a huge problem. YOU and his children are who he needs to be concerned about.

The first step to dealing with a problem is to look deeper to see where it really lies. It can be so easy to 'not see the forest for the trees'.

Forget your MIL.... You need to think about how you can deal with this with your husband, so that you are together, as one, as husband and wife... And you can decide together how to handle things like this. Your husband is putting his MIL and her 'drama' well ahead of your, and your children's, feelings.

I know from personal experience how that can hurt!!!

\

Just to clarify, DH did not argue with me about what his MOM did, he argued with me because he wanted me to go over to her house when we came home. He was upset also about how and what she did, but he was not going to approach her on that subject, he was going to basically let her away with it all. Because I didn't want to go over there and continue on with all this crap was why he was argueing with me. He said that he thought I was making the wrong decision for not going over there. Like I said before, I just don't feel like tip toeing around her, I am too mad and too hurt.

Do you just let someone away with all of this because of their age? I am not sure. She sure seems to know what she is doing.

 

[kdudley3]

You BET I would have gone over there. But not to visit.....to let her know in no uncertain terms that you did NOT appreciate her attack on your kids.
Actually she attacked YOU to your kids which is kinda worse!
If she had a problem with you and DH, she should have talked to you, and your DH needs to let her know this.
He needs to tell her that your kids are off limits if she is going to attack you. It's not their job to schedule your vacations, and it's unfair to them to have to defend you.

I agree 100%. My MIL got along great for 20 some years until I figured out she was using the kids and my husband to manipulate us.

She's doing the same thing and using her son and he feels "obligated" because "she is still my mom".

Don't let him be the bad guy because he'll probably resent you if you tell him to confront her.

MAYBE.......do what I did, talk to her on your own and her true colors will show.

That's what I did and long story short....my husband has given up his sisters and speaks to his mother once a month.

P.S. It doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong, just that someone thinks that you haven't what they want !!!

 

[mickeymousemom]

Okay!!! Thanks for the details!!!

As mentioned... I know how this kind of thing can be!



The real issue here is that your MIL caused YOUR CHILDREN a lot of grief and distress. For your DH to argue and fight about this with you and to run to mama's is a huge problem. YOU and his children are who he needs to be concerned about.

The first step to dealing with a problem is to look deeper to see where it really lies. It can be so easy to 'not see the forest for the trees'.

Forget your MIL.... You need to think about how you can deal with this with your husband, so that you are together, as one, as husband and wife... And you can decide together how to handle things like this. Your husband is putting his MIL and her 'drama' well ahead of your, and your children's, feelings.

I know from personal experience how that can hurt!!!

I TOTALLY agree! While I have a wonderful DH, I have been thru hell with my MIL for 14 years. She has tortured me AND my kids and after several years of this I kept my mouth shut because DH always had an excuse for her. It eventually put a HUGE damper on our marriage and, after THAT caused a HUGE hole in our marriage, my DH finally saw the light. He has since been wonderful and has told his mother several times that he will NOT tolerate her actions anymore. WE are his family and WE are who he is concerned with. She's gotten better and even when she acts like a stinker I know he has my back. Your DH needs to be supporting you and your children TOTALLY. Your MIL needs to know that unless she stops with the crap, your family won't be coming around...ever. This is what my DH did, and it worked. Good Luck with your situation.....

 

[laura001]

I TOTALLY agree! While I have a wonderful DH, I have been thru hell with my MIL for 14 years. She has tortured me AND my kids and after several years of this I kept my mouth shut because DH always had an excuse for her. It eventually put a HUGE damper on our marriage and, after THAT caused a HUGE hole in our marriage, my DH finally saw the light. He has since been wonderful and has told his mother several times that he will NOT tolerate her actions anymore. WE are his family and WE are who he is concerned with. She's gotten better and even when she acts like a stinker I know he has my back. Your DH needs to be supporting you and your children TOTALLY. Your MIL needs to know that unless she stops with the crap, your family won't be coming around...ever. This is what my DH did, and it worked. Good Luck with your situation.....

Thank-you, I believe that DH is going to see her sometime today and tell her that she was wrong to have spoken to the kids about things etc. I am still quite upset and DH and I will have to have a sit down and chat.

Thanks everyone for your help and concern.

 

[Race the Reaper]

I TOTALLY agree! While I have a wonderful DH, I have been thru hell with my MIL for 14 years. She has tortured me AND my kids and after several years of this I kept my mouth shut because DH always had an excuse for her. It eventually put a HUGE damper on our marriage and, after THAT caused a HUGE hole in our marriage, my DH finally saw the light. He has since been wonderful and has told his mother several times that he will NOT tolerate her actions anymore. WE are his family and WE are who he is concerned with. She's gotten better and even when she acts like a stinker I know he has my back. Your DH needs to be supporting you and your children TOTALLY. Your MIL needs to know that unless she stops with the crap, your family won't be coming around...ever. This is what my DH did, and it worked. Good Luck with your situation.....

 

[Tantor]

Hey Laura just sending and hope DH gets this sorted out with MIL and you two can put this behind you.

 

[laura001]

Hey Laura just sending and hope DH gets this sorted out with MIL and you two can put this behind you.

Thanks, am working on it! MIL for rent!!!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here is my post again....

For your DH to argue and fight about this with you and to run to mama's is a huge problem. YOU and his children are who he needs to be concerned about.

The first step to dealing with a problem is to look deeper to see where it really lies. It can be so easy to 'not see the forest for the trees'.

Forget your MIL.... You need to think about how you can deal with this with your husband, so that you are together, as one, as husband and wife... And you can decide together how to handle things like this. Your husband is putting his MIL and her 'drama' well ahead of your, and your children's, feelings.

I know from personal experience how that can hurt!!!

Thanks everybody for understanding and agreeing with my post!!!

Laura, according to your posts, your husband DID fight with you... ( "now we are fighting...") and, as I was thinking, it was NOT just about what your MIL did. I knew you had said that you were fighting because you refused to go to MIL's with him. As I had said, your MIL is not the real problem. It is the fact that your DH was willing to 'forgive' her and to 'fight' with you, after what she had done to his kids. He wanted you to run over there and play nicey-nice with his mother.

If he is now changing his tune, and is willing to stand up for his family (you and his kids), then that is a good sign!!!!

 

[laura001]

Here is my post again....


Thanks everybody for understanding and agreeing with my post!!!

Laura, according to your posts, your husband DID fight with you... ( "now we are fighting...") and, as I was thinking, it was NOT just about what your MIL did. I knew you had said that you were fighting because you refused to go to MIL's with him. As I had said, your MIL is not the real problem. It is the fact that your DH was willing to 'forgive' her and to 'fight' with you, after what she had done to his kids. He wanted you to run over there and play nicey-nice with his mother.

If he is now changing his tune, and is willing to stand up for his family (you and his kids), then that is a good sign!!!!

Yes, you are right, DH and I were fighting, yes, he is changing his tune and is going to straighten his Mom out. I am having trouble believing though that she will even "get" it. It is important that he stands up for his wife and family and it seems that that is what he is going to do.

The sad part is that it took two days to straighten this out and also affected part of our vacation. I am hoping that I am not going to have ill feelings toward my MIL but right now I am totally PEEVED!

I have seen one thing here and it has opened my eyes to a bigger picture (I won't get into it), it certainly has helped me to see something very clear.

Thanks again to everyone....and as I said earlier.........I do have a MIL for hire!!!

 

[mickeymousemom]

Thank-you, I believe that DH is going to see her sometime today and tell her that she was wrong to have spoken to the kids about things etc. I am still quite upset and DH and I will have to have a sit down and chat.

Thanks everyone for your help and concern.

GOOD! Believe me, I think alot of us here know what you've gone thru. I kid that my MIL is the "Anti-Christ", but she really is a manipulative woman. DH has always known he probably should say something but didn't want the hassle so he dismissed everything she did. His non-actions(it was useless for me to say anything, as MIL can't stand me) caused a little more than a huge rift in our marriage when I got to the point that I realized I couldn't live like that anymore. DH also realized that he had over 30 years worth of anger towards her for treating him differently than his brothers. When he finally told her(and his dad) off they began to back off. After 14 years of hell, I finally feel like I'm in control. She even called to apologize to me, and even though I'm not sure she meant it(you have to know this woman) it felt good. I hold many of the cards now and, no matter what, DH has my back. ALL husbands should be this way. When your DH married you, he made the choice to SUPPORT you NO MATTER WHAT. YOU and your children are his FIRST responsibility.
Your situation may not be that bad, but your MIL NEEDS to know that SHE is not in control of YOUR family. That is what you and your DH are for. What you do in your free time is up to you, not her. I hope everything continues to go well for you...stuff like this can be extremely stressful!

 

[lovmy2girls]

I am having trouble believing though that she will even "get" it. It is important that he stands up for his wife and family and it seems that that is what he is going to do.

The sad part is that it took two days to straighten this out and also affected part of our vacation. I am hoping that I am not going to have ill feelings toward my MIL but right now I am totally PEEVED!

I have seen one thing here and it has opened my eyes to a bigger picture (I won't get into it), it certainly has helped me to see something very clear.

Thanks again to everyone....and as I said earlier.........I do have a MIL for hire!!!

Well, I hope he does stand up to her. I know what you mean when you said she may not "get it", that reminds me of my departed MIL and still my FIL, which is worse than ever now that my MIL has died. His favorite saying for anything he gets called on is "Well, I just don't see it that way".
They truly believe they don't have to be held accountable for any of their actions, which just stuns me because, I wonder who the heck they think they are? And they never apologize for anything! NEVER! Their way of apologizing is just acting like everything is fine and dandy, and you are just to forget it. And when we do something, or anyone else for that matter, we have to apologize, bow down and kiss their feet and tell them how wonderful they are, and thank them that they even permit us to breathe on their planet.

Our situation has gotten real bad since my MIL died. My hubby doesn't even like going over there anymore. His dad and grandma have really become a force, the dark side. We call them the Sith Lord and her apprentice Darth Vader.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am having trouble believing though that she will even "get" it.

I have seen one thing here and it has opened my eyes to a bigger picture (I won't get into it), it certainly has helped me to see something very clear.

Well, since this thread is still here, I will post again.
As you can see, there are MANY of us who have found ourselves in similar situations with our in-laws. To us, it is all so clear now. Isn't it amazing when you break thru and have those moments of clarity!!!!

Okay, you say he will set his mother straight, but she will never 'get it'. Let me say a few words about that. You are right on one count... She likely will NEVER get it!!!! That is the key factor here. She will NEVER get it, and if that is what you are hoping for, well, I would not advise you to hold your breath. Who cares if she 'gets-it'.

She is an old woman who should have no affect on your families happiness!!! She does not have to 'get it'. She is not the one in control!!!! YOU and your DH need to come to the realization that YOU are in control, and simply do NOT give her the opportunity or power. Take that control. Do not bother to answer to her. As long as your DH, and you, are running over at her beck and call, and trying to 'explain' yourselves, and HOPING that she will get-it... She still holds all the keys!!!!

LET IT GO.
DO NOT LET THESE THINGS BE A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION.
INFORMATION IS POWER. DO NOT GIVE ANY MORE INFORMATION THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. (i.e. do not even RSVP to something like this impromptu 'reunion'.. Do not let them know your plans, when and where you are going, etc...) Live your life, and do not answer to them, or anyone else!!!

Tell your kids this same thing. If MIL calls and starts in on them like she did, let your kids know that they now have permission to say NOTHING, but just say, you need to speak with Dad, and HANG UP!!!!! This will be the absolute best lesson learned for them. Become empowered.

Let it go.
Take control of your own life, and let them live in their own drama.
As one poster has in their siggie.... "Do not let them drag you into their mud".

People can only do things like this to hurt you if you let them.

 

[lovmy2girls]

Well, since this thread is still here, I will post again.
As you can see, there are MANY of us who have found ourselves in similar situations with our in-laws. To us, it is all so clear now. Isn't it amazing when you break thru and have those moments of clarity!!!!

Okay, you say he will set his mother straight, but she will never 'get it'. Let me say a few words about that. You are right on one count... She likely will NEVER get it!!!! That is the key factor here. She will NEVER get it, and if that is what you are hoping for, well, I would not advise you to hold your breath. Who cares if she 'gets-it'.

She is an old woman who should have no affect on your families happiness!!! She does not have to 'get it'. She is not the one in control!!!! YOU and your DH need to come to the realization that YOU are in control, and simply do NOT give her the opportunity or power. Take that control. Do not bother to answer to her. As long as your DH, and you, are running over at her beck and call, and trying to 'explain' yourselves, and HOPING that she will get-it... She still holds all the keys!!!!

LET IT GO.
DO NOT LET THESE THINGS BE A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION.
INFORMATION IS POWER. DO NOT GIVE ANY MORE INFORMATION THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. (i.e. do not even RSVP to something like this impromptu 'reunion'.. Do not let them know your plans, when and where you are going, etc...) Live your life, and do not answer to them, or anyone else!!!

Tell your kids this same thing. If MIL calls and starts in on them like she did, let your kids know that they now have permission to say NOTHING, but just say, you need to speak with Dad, and HANG UP!!!!! This will be the absolute best lesson learned for them. Become empowered.

Let it go.
Take control of your own life, and let them live in their own drama.
As one poster has in their siggie.... "Do not let them drag you into their mud".

People can only do things like this to hurt you if you let them.

Well said.

 

[laura001]

Well, since this thread is still here, I will post again.
As you can see, there are MANY of us who have found ourselves in similar situations with our in-laws. To us, it is all so clear now. Isn't it amazing when you break thru and have those moments of clarity!!!!

Okay, you say he will set his mother straight, but she will never 'get it'. Let me say a few words about that. You are right on one count... She likely will NEVER get it!!!! That is the key factor here. She will NEVER get it, and if that is what you are hoping for, well, I would not advise you to hold your breath. Who cares if she 'gets-it'.

She is an old woman who should have no affect on your families happiness!!! She does not have to 'get it'. She is not the one in control!!!! YOU and your DH need to come to the realization that YOU are in control, and simply do NOT give her the opportunity or power. Take that control. Do not bother to answer to her. As long as your DH, and you, are running over at her beck and call, and trying to 'explain' yourselves, and HOPING that she will get-it... She still holds all the keys!!!!

LET IT GO.
DO NOT LET THESE THINGS BE A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION.
INFORMATION IS POWER. DO NOT GIVE ANY MORE INFORMATION THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. (i.e. do not even RSVP to something like this impromptu 'reunion'.. Do not let them know your plans, when and where you are going, etc...) Live your life, and do not answer to them, or anyone else!!!

Tell your kids this same thing. If MIL calls and starts in on them like she did, let your kids know that they now have permission to say NOTHING, but just say, you need to speak with Dad, and HANG UP!!!!! This will be the absolute best lesson learned for them. Become empowered.

Let it go.
Take control of your own life, and let them live in their own drama.
As one poster has in their siggie.... "Do not let them drag you into their mud".

People can only do things like this to hurt you if you let them.

Thanks again for posting .... well said!

I told DH tonight that I didn't think (or want) to come home early from our vacation.....he agreed. We are also not going to feel guilty about it, his Mom will just have to understand that we had it booked first and that is our decision.

I am feeling much better about all of this now ...........yes, and empowered!