A little vent...kind of budget related

[leadfootlevi]

Our church is holding a seminar called Top 20. It's regarding parenting skills. DH and I really want to go. I asked my Mom on Monday to watch DS5. She said she would. Now she's backpedaling saying she doesn't know if she'll make it on time. The seminar starts at 6:30. She gets off work at 5:00 and works about 30 minutes from our house. I am so angry at her. Now I have to scramble to find a sitter and pay someone for a couple of hours.

I will add that my mom has lived with us for a little more than a year. She was unemployed for most of that time and we supported her (food, place to live, she paid us nothing). She has paid us $300/month for the past 4 months. One of the expectations when she moved here was that she would help us with watching DS5. Ever since she met her new man about 5 months ago, she has failed almost every time we have asked for her help in watching DS. I'm about ready to ask her to move out, but the extra $300/month is nice and she IS my mom.

OK, vent over. Now to find a sitter.

 

[DuckMom]

Sorry you are having problems! I know how frustrating it can be when family members disappoint us. Good luck finding a sitter!

 

[Marionnette]

Our church is holding a seminar called Top 20. It's regarding parenting skills. DH and I really want to go. I asked my Mom on Monday to watch DS5. She said she would. Now she's backpedaling saying she doesn't know if she'll make it on time. The seminar starts at 6:30. She gets off work at 5:00 and works about 30 minutes from our house. I am so angry at her. Now I have to scramble to find a sitter and pay someone for a couple of hours.

I will add that my mom has lived with us for a little more than a year. She was unemployed for most of that time and we supported her (food, place to live, she paid us nothing). She has paid us $300/month for the past 4 months. One of the expectations when she moved here was that she would help us with watching DS5. Ever since she met her new man about 5 months ago, she has failed almost every time we have asked for her help in watching DS. I'm about ready to ask her to move out, but the extra $300/month is nice and she IS my mom.

OK, vent over. Now to find a sitter.

Sorry that things arent going as you expected. Is it possible that your mom doesnt think she has to babysit anymore since she is now paying room & board? Perhaps you need to sit down together and discuss your expectations as well as hers.

 

[leadfootlevi]

Sorry that things arent going as you expected. Is it possible that your mom doesnt think she has to babysit anymore since she is now paying room & board? Perhaps you need to sit down together and discuss your expectations as well as hers.

Yeah...BTDT. Nothing changed. She's doing what she wants, when she wants, and she's happy. Her words, not mine.

 

[tlbwriter]

"Mom, when you moved in we agreed that you would help care for DS. I understand that things have changed and you're no longer interested in doing that, and that's your decision. However, it means we have to renegotiate the terms of our agreement. Since DH and I have to pay for more babysitting than we expected, we're going to raise your room and board to $400."

 

[msmayor]

So did you pay your mom for all those years that she raised you, and did things for you as a kid when you weren't contributing to the household budget?

Sorry, but I don't really have much sympathy here. You did a GOOD thing helping out your mother, and she's starting to get back on her feet. As you said, she IS your mom, not a live-in babysitter.

 

[leadfootlevi]

So did you pay your mom for all those years that she raised you, and did things for you as a kid when you weren't contributing to the household budget?

Sorry, but I don't really have much sympathy here. You did a GOOD thing helping out your mother, and she's starting to get back on her feet. As you said, she IS your mom, not a live-in babysitter.

We're not treating her like a live-in babysitter either. We've asked her to watch DS 2 times in the past 3 months.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Is she working and just cant get home on time? If so why not just get someone until she gets home? I wish I had my mom. I grew up with out since I was 8.

 

[leadfootlevi]

Is she working and just cant get home on time? If so why not just get someone until she gets home? I wish I had my mom. I grew up with out since I was 8.

1.5 hours for a 30 minute drive seems like plenty of time to me. She seems worried about it though.

I'm glad I have my mom, I'm just not so sure I'm glad that she lives in my house and doesn't seem to "play fair."

 

[mom2val]

OP - Our church always provides childcare. Have checked to see if childcare is being offered at your church? Just a suggestion- good luck and for the record I would be needing to vent too in your situation.

 

[leadfootlevi]

OP - Our church always provides childcare. Have checked to see if childcare is being offered at your church? Just a suggestion- good luck and for the record I would be needing to vent too in your situation.

I'm looking into that. You'd think for a parent-oriented presentation, they would have childcare, but there was no mention of it in the bulletin.

 

[brymolmom]

How about asking a neighbor to have him over just for like 20 minutes to give her a buffer of getting home? Then you can say 'fine Mom, whenever you get home just get him from the Smith's house'.

 

[Marionnette]

So did you pay your mom for all those years that she raised you, and did things for you as a kid when you weren't contributing to the household budget?

Sorry, but I don't really have much sympathy here. You did a GOOD thing helping out your mother, and she's starting to get back on her feet. As you said, she IS your mom, not a live-in babysitter.

You know what? That was my first reaction too. But the more I thought about it, the more I took into consideration that the op's mother had agreed to those conditions. If the mom feels that she can no longer meet her end of the agreement then she should say so. And she should be a big girl and stick by her promises when she makes them.

 

[pearlieq]

So did you pay your mom for all those years that she raised you, and did things for you as a kid when you weren't contributing to the household budget?

No way. That argument absolutely doesn't hold water. Her mother had children because SHE wanted to, and with that decision she was obligated to support the kid.

Our kids don't owe us reimbursement for raising them--their life is a gift. And furthermore, we have an obligation to let them live their own lives and not burden them any more than absolutely necessary.

This mother is freeloading. Her child very generously stepped in when she was down and the mom can't be bothered to pitch in and help out? Unacceptable.

I'm not just blowing smoke here. My mother lives with me. I left my job to care for her full time. She pays only for her own personal expenses. I'm not doing this because I owe her anything. I'm doing this because I love her, but it would not be OK if she suddenly decided to start taking advantage of the situation or refusing to contribute to the general good of the household.

 

[DisneyScraps]

I would expect HER to pay the babysitter!

Lisa

 

[msmayor]

You know what? That was my first reaction too. But the more I thought about it, the more I took into consideration that the op's mother had agreed to those conditions. If the mom feels that she can no longer meet her end of the agreement then she should say so. And she should be a big girl and stick by her promises when she makes them.

I didn't see anywhere in the OP's first post that the mother AGREED to babysit for them when they needed help - only that there was an expectation.

The OP didn't mention whether the expectation was hers alone or if it was actually agreed upon between both of them.

The mom is now paying something towards the household expenses, which the OP says is really nice to have. If the fact that she cannot rely on her mother as an occasional babysitter and wants that as a real condition to stay, and Mom cannot agree, she should begin to suggest that its time for Mom to move on. But in my mind, having $300 extra each month (when she was getting nothing before and managing to pay the bills) should cover a few hours of babysitting costs when Mom isn't available.

 

[leadfootlevi]

So did you pay your mom for all those years that she raised you, and did things for you as a kid when you weren't contributing to the household budget?

Sorry, but I don't really have much sympathy here. You did a GOOD thing helping out your mother, and she's starting to get back on her feet. As you said, she IS your mom, not a live-in babysitter.

You know what? That was my first reaction too. But the more I thought about it, the more I took into consideration that the op's mother had agreed to those conditions. If the mom feels that she can no longer meet her end of the agreement then she should say so. And she should be a big girl and stick by her promises when she makes them.

So you both (at least initially) thought that I owe my mom this because she raised me? I don't get that. She's not sick or incapable of caring for herself in any way. She lost her job, lost her husband (my dad), and when she finished school, we thought a "fresh" start would be good for her so we invited her to live with us. We all discussed the terms of her moving in - we had expectations and so did she. We've payed careful attention not to step on her boundaries, but she doesn't seem to mind when she steps on ours.

I don't expect my son to ever re-pay me for things I do for him. Not ever.

She used to go to a grief counseling group every Thursday without fail. Guess what time it started? Yep - 6:30 (the same time our seminar is supposed to start). Some nights she would even stop by the house before she went to her meeting, but now it's going to be a problem? As much as I hate to admit it, I think we're being taken advantage of.

 

[leadfootlevi]

I didn't see anywhere in the OP's first post that the mother AGREED to babysit for them when they needed help - only that there was an expectation.

The OP didn't mention whether the expectation was hers alone or if it was actually agreed upon between both of them.

The mom is now paying something towards the household expenses, which the OP says is really nice to have. If the fact that she cannot rely on her mother as an occasional babysitter and wants that as a real condition to stay, and Mom cannot agree, she should begin to suggest that its time for Mom to move on. But in my mind, having $300 extra each month (when she was getting nothing before and managing to pay the bills) should cover a few hours of babysitting costs when Mom isn't available.

My mom did agree to babysit for DS for free as a condition of living with us. There were limitations and we've been careful not to ask her too often.

$300/month covers rent, electric & gas, water & sewer, internet, cell phone, snow removal, lawn care, FOOD (that's probably the biggest expense), garbage, laundry soap, toilet paper, soap, etc. She pays for her vehicle and it's insurance and gas and a small amount of her own credit card debt. The added cost of her living with us is probably more than $300/month (it's hard to quantify exactly how much more we're paying as a result of her living with us) so it's not an extra $300/month, but it does help out. I never really thought about it, but if she moved out and we lost the $300/month we'd probably be ahead.

 

[Marionnette]

So you both (at least initially) thought that I owe my mom this because she raised me? I don't get that. She's not sick or incapable of caring for herself in any way. She lost her job, lost her husband (my dad), and when she finished school, we thought a "fresh" start would be good for her so we invited her to live with us. We all discussed the terms of her moving in - we had expectations and so did she. We've payed careful attention not to step on her boundaries, but she doesn't seem to mind when she steps on ours.

I don't expect my son to ever re-pay me for things I do for him. Not ever.

She used to go to a grief counseling group every Thursday without fail. Guess what time it started? Yep - 6:30 (the same time our seminar is supposed to start). Some nights she would even stop by the house before she went to her meeting, but now it's going to be a problem? As much as I hate to admit it, I think we're being taken advantage of.

Let me clarify.

My initial reaction was "wow, I would never take my mother in and place any expectations on her or even charge her room & board". Because she's my mom and she raised me. And supported me. And I love her.

But I didnt post it because I figured that there was more to the story that I was missing and obviously there is. The two of you made an agreement. Fine. Not my way of doing things but each family is different. Not my position to judge. If the circustances have changed and things are not working out as initially planned then the two of you need to sit down like adults and work it out instead of letting it fester.

 

[ah1126]

I think I would be upset because she had agreed, then backed out.