a little confused

[blahx3]

yes I'm a diser using an alias.

I have been dating a man for 3 months. Talk on the phone 2-3 times a day, dinners duriing the week, spending the weekends together, movies, sporting events, concerts, the normal dating activities. Since our second date he will say to me " I know what I am getting you for Christmas. It has ranged from a ring he thought I would like, to a watch I really want, to a radar detection unit for my car. So the other night we are having dinner and here is the conversation we have


Him: So are we exchanging Christmas gifts?

Me: Of course

H: Oh

M: Why what's up?

H: Well, I just don't feel that I know you well enough to be buying you a gift.

M: Ummm okay. But I've all ready bought you something that I really want to give you. I hope you don't mind.

H:No that's okay.

And that's the way we left it. I'm hurt and confused and frankly, it's kind of put a damper on things. I don't quite know what to say to him without sounding like a brat that wants or needs a gift.

 

[krcit]

Hmmm, well hopefully he is just trying to make you think he didn't get you anything so you are suprised. If he doesn't get you anything though, i would really reconsider the realtionship. Not because I am shallow but because that is a sign of things to come.

 

[bettyann29]

If it were me, Id leave it alone and just give him the gift that I already purchased if thats the case.. Its not about what you get.. but about giving and spending time together..

I will admit, I would be confused since it sounds like he intended on getting you something, maybe money became an issue.. but either way, its not something that I would put much thought into.. Id let it go.. it wouldnt be worth a possible fight over something trivial, with someone I cared about..

just my .02

 

[mrsv98]

yes I'm a diser using an alias.

I have been dating a man for 3 months. Talk on the phone 2-3 times a day, dinners duriing the week, spending the weekends together, movies, sporting events, concerts, the normal dating activities. Since our second date he will say to me " I know what I am getting you for Christmas. It has ranged from a ring he thought I would like, to a watch I really want, to a radar detection unit for my car. So the other night we are having dinner and here is the conversation we have


Him: So are we exchanging Christmas gifts?

Me: Of course

H: Oh

M: Why what's up?

H: Well, I just don't feel that I know you well enough to be buying you a gift.

M: Ummm okay. But I've all ready bought you something that I really want to give you. I hope you don't mind.

H:No that's okay.

And that's the way we left it. I'm hurt and confused and frankly, it's kind of put a damper on things. I don't quite know what to say to him without sounding like a brat that wants or needs a gift.

Since he is backtracking, I see it as a red flag that he is backing out of the relationship. He is cooling off and doesn't want to say so. Sorry, but the sooner the better unless of course the PP is right and he is just trying to be sneaky...I hope that is it!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Break up with him. He's not long term material. He's a talker, not a doer. He's not worth investing any more of your time.

ETA:

has ranged from a ring he thought I would like,

You normally don't buy a "ring" of any kind, for Christmas, after dating for a few months... unless you are Pam Anderson.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Next conversation I would tell him that since he didn't seem into getting gifts I returned his and was buying myself something instead, then see what he says. It could be he is having money issues but still likes you and this might be a gracious way out of a pickle. Could be he just wants to get you a token and when rings ect came up he got spooked and now just wants to pump the brakes. There are lots of reasons why gifts at the stage you are at now might be too soon, I wouldn't let it bother me unless there is more going on that is sending up flares.

 

[npmommie]

Break up with him. He's not long term material. He's a talker, not a doer. He's not worth investing any more of your time.

ETA:

You normally don't buy a "ring" of any kind, for Christmas, after dating for a few months... unless you are Pam Anderson.

yes this

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I am as guy. As such, I like my conversations to be point blank. Men are just too dense otherwise when you fish around some emotional or relationship issue.

So, why don't you actually say to him "You said before you knew what you were going to get me for Christmas."?



Also, I'm confused: Has he told you he was going to get the ring, or the radar detector, or are those your guesses? If he said what he was going to get you, I assume he was trying to find out if you would like one of those items. What were your reactions when me mentioned them?

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd probably take a look at the gift I bought him as far as what it "says"...it probably shouldn't be something too personal at this point, since he seems to be back-tracking. for example, I wouldn't get him n ornament that says "First Christmas Togehter". I'd probably go with a a nice bottle of wine, or something that would apply to his hobby (ie-golf balls and tees for a golfer, a GC to a bike shop for a biker)...something that doesn't scream "You are SO important to me" but more says "You're a nice guy".

My guess is that the PP is right in saying that he's back off and probably the relationship will be ending.

 

[anniemae]

I had two thoughts:

1. he is trying to "throw you off" by acting unconcerned about the holiday/gift giving and will suprise you with a really nice gift.

2. He is back-pedling and is having second thoughts about the relationship and isn't sure how to break things off.

Now if it were me, I would want to know which scenario he is playing out. I would confront him head on and ask if he is doubting your relationship, and wants to cool things off a bit and take a break.

Also, I think it's a bit odd he spoke about a gifts, especially a ring, in the early stages of your relationship. Now he is obviously singing a different tune....something is up.

 

[Nennie]

How old are you, and how old is the guy?

Are you sleeping together?

I don't know if he's being coy, or trying to throw you off...or if he's just immature about dating and relationships at this point!

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Theory 1: He is reconsidering the relationship. In which case you're probably not going to make it.

Theory 2: He has run into some financial issues that makes it where he can't get you what he original wanted to. In which case he probably feels embarrassed and/or useless.

Theory 3: He is the type to get depressed around the holidays and turns into a different person. In which case you need to decide if you can live with mood swings for the rest of your life.

Or it could be something completely different...either way it sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a talk so you can figure out which one it is.

 

[brockash]

I wouldn't say anything for now, but if Christmas comes and goes and he really didn't get you anything...I totally agree that you need to break-up as soon as possible, because like a pp stated, it's a sign of things to come. It's not about the gift at all, it's the fact that he made a big deal about telling you he was getting you this or that (which is weird in itself,) which basically sent you the message that you guys are exchanging gifts, so you put thought into it and got him something, while really it was just a lie. I'm so not a person about presents at all, but he's the one that brought up the gift exchanging to begin with, and after you got him something, he's changed his mind No, not the way to do things. I'd still be annoyed if he did end up getting you something, because I feel like he was just trying to be a jerk and confuse you, but some ppl. are like that, but if he really doesn't get you anything, you need to get rid of him. I would've been totally fine if you guys had decided not to exchange gifts, or even if nothing was said and you did get him something, and he didn't get you anything (he just didn't know,) but to be the one to make a big deal out of it ect. and then to not do it...you don't want to live with that kind of mindset for the rest of your life.

 

[blahx3]

He has been the one to bring up the gifts he's wanted to buy, not me. I told him the radar detector was way too expensive. The ring he dragged me to the computer the minute I walked into his house one day to show me a picture of it. I told him it was really pretty and he told me he really, really would like to get it for me for Christmas. I was surprised but happy about the idea. Over the next few weeks he brought it up again. I told him again that I really liked the ring. The same thing with the watch. We saw it in the store and I fell in love with it. He has brought it up several times since, asking me if I still really liked the watch. Money is certainly not an issue.

We are both middle aged and divorced.

My gift is nothing personal, just something that says "Hey I knew you would like this so I bought it for you."

I guess it's time to put on the big girl panties and just ask him WTH is going on.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Since he is backtracking, I see it as a red flag that he is backing out of the relationship. He is cooling off and doesn't want to say so. Sorry, but the sooner the better unless of course the PP is right and he is just trying to be sneaky...I hope that is it!

That's how I feel. Either that or he's a cheapskate. Does he contribute to dates, etc?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I think he's backing out, but then again, I don't know how he is saying these things…is there a joking tone in his voice etc.

But that said, I don't think it's weird to get someone a "ring of any kind" 3 months into a relationship. Not all rings are extravagent pieces of fine jewelry. Maybe she really likes something…say, starfish, and he found a really cool sterling ring in her size with a starfish on it.

I personally like goth stuff and prior to meeting DH, I had former boyfriends give me inexpensive rings/necklaces etc. with skulls and the like on them. No one is mistaking that for an engagement ring. I guess I just don't think it's that weird of a gift. Then again, DH & I were together about 3 months on our first xmas and I got him an almost $200 hockey jersey as a gift. That's way more extravagent IMO than a piece of costume jewelry, ring or no. He still wears it at least once a week too.

 

[Evil Genius]

RUN!!! Do not walk away from this man. I was married to one like him once. Made all sorts of promises and then when it was time to do it, never delivered.

 

[anniemae]

you know, I never thought about this until a pp mentioned him possibly being depressed. It seems he was super excited, and almost child-like hyper trying to find out a gift for you. "Do you like, this? look at at that! What about this? Do you still like that??"

Now, he is kind of like, "eh, we aren't exchanging gifts are we?" It is going from one extream to the other. Just someting to think about.

OP, if you feel comfortable, please let us know the outcome when you talk to him.

 

[BELLE1109]

I'm sorry but I think that he is having second thoughts about the relationship and doesn't want to spend money on a gift for something that won't work out. I hope I'm wrong!

 

[RitaE]

I've had a revelation lately from talking with a couple of friends.

Bad men are a little like sour milk. The chances of them magically improving over time are nil.