a little confused

[DeluxePrincess]

So sorry OP. Just consider yourself lucky to have found this out now before you invest any more energy into the relationship. You deserve better than this man.

 

[N&B'smom]

Well dinner was certainly an eye opener. I asked him straight out what was going on with the gift thing, stressing that it's not about the gift but after months of hearing about what he was getting me and then being told he doesn't know me well enough to buy anything that I was a little confused. His first response was "Well really I don't like going out in the cold and going to the stores, but I GUESS that instead of having my groceries delivered next week, I can shop and buy you something then." And then he tells me that yes he knows that he was talking about rings and watches etc but that I have to understand that "He just says stuff" And that well, I'll get used to it.

I was pretty speechless at this point and we had a very quiet dinner. As he walked me to my car he asked if I was coming by Friday night as usual for the weekend. I told him I would have to let him know.

Definitely say goodbye to him. Better to find out now. You do NOT want to be with someone that admits he 'just says stuff'. What the heck is that!?!??! I'm so glad you asked him straight out!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

His son is an adult. The ex-wife lives half way across the country and is married to someone else. I have seen her wedding picture in the son's home.

Fair enough... he's still a scheister!!!

 

[nancys]

"We went out alot."

Past tense...a wise step forward.

 

[focusondisney]

You know, if there weren't a real person getting hurt by this guy, he'd be almost comical. He sounds like a the clueless, inconsiderate husband from a sit com. " I just say stuff, you'll get used to it."

I also think he wanted to go straight to having an established, comfortable relationship, without doing any of the work to get there. You know, after years of marriage, you can take advantage of each other (a little!) without apologizing for it. (Like having her do his Christmas shopping for him). But that only flies after years of being together & establishing a real partnership. Do the work, buddy! Prove yourself as a true partner in this relationship!

Also, OP, good for you for seeing this & acting so quickly. You must be a strong, emotionally healthy woman to call this guy out & move on!


And thanks for keeping us posted with the updates. I hate reading those threads where the woman keeps making excuses & drags the drama out. Worst of all, when we're left hanging & the OP never comes back to tell what happened!

 

[Bren's Mom]

No he is not agoraphobic. We went out alot. Movies, sporting events, concerts, parties. When it is something fun, he can head out in any weather. But when it is something mundane, obviously it is too cold.

And that's NOT good long term relationship/husband material! Heck, my dh doesn't like the cold...but he always goes out in it (or any weather) if the kids need meds late at night and we've run out, or the garbage needs to be brought to the curb, or I have to get to work on a snowy morning he's out there with the snowblower (and before we had a gargage he'd get out there and clean out my car and get it started to warm up for me).

(Of course, *I* do those things too if he's feeling under the weather or sometimes go start HIS car just to be kind since he's always doing for me. )

 

[horseshowmom]

I've been following this thread and trying to wrap my tiny little brain around it. I don't deal well with people who aren't genuine.

I completely agree that ending the relationship was in the OP's best interests, if for no other reason than she'd wind up being confused most of the time. LOL. But it seems like they both enjoyed each other's company and did a lot of stuff together. And she never actually did buy the stuff for his son.... so I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I disagree about the "using" part. Unless she was the one who paid for everything when they did stuff together. I don't think the lack of sincerity is necessarily the same thing as taking advantage.

Just my own thought on a rather convoluted situation!

Buy yourself something nice, OP!

I can definitely see where you're coming from, but my perspective is that she enjoyed the company of the man that he pretended to be - not the one he actually turned out to be. Had she known him for what he really was, I doubt they would have been spending weekends together (as in sleeping together) while he "said stuff" for her to "get used to".

 

[blahx3]

My weekend was filled with voicemails, texts and emails. They ranged from, a voicemail on Saturday morning "Where would you like to go to dinner tonight?" to " You really aren't talking to me?" to "I promise I will do what I say I am going to do from now on just TALK to me."

Flowers just arrived at my work (Amazing! Now he knows how to order something off the internet!!) with a note of how sorry he is and that he will try to improve. I texted him thanking him for the flowers and that they will make a lovely centerpiece for our holiday luncheon this afternoon

 

[Liberty Belle]

If you entertain the idea of giving him another chance, I would strongly suggest you tell him that you'll only go out with him if he gets therapy, and it sounds like he needs a lot.

 

[DWGal210]

Stay strong, OP!! A few moments of being nice wouldn't be enough for me to look past the "I just say stuff" the other 98% of the time.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well dinner was certainly an eye opener. I asked him straight out what was going on with the gift thing, stressing that it's not about the gift but after months of hearing about what he was getting me and then being told he doesn't know me well enough to buy anything that I was a little confused. His first response was "Well really I don't like going out in the cold and going to the stores, but I GUESS that instead of having my groceries delivered next week, I can shop and buy you something then." And then he tells me that yes he knows that he was talking about rings and watches etc but that I have to understand that "He just says stuff" And that well, I'll get used to it.

I was pretty speechless at this point and we had a very quiet dinner. As he walked me to my car he asked if I was coming by Friday night as usual for the weekend. I told him I would have to let him know.

Give him a big old BUH BYE!

He can't go out in the cold to buy you a gift but YOU can go out in the cold to sleep with him for the weekend????

I think not.

 

[Disney Doll]

I wish this were true. But no he's dead serious. He and I have been discussing what to get his son for Christmas. We've come up with several ideas and we have made plans to go shopping together to pick these things up. EVERY TIME the moment arrives to do the shopping, something comes up and he can't go. BUT he will tell me to go ahead and buy what I think his son will like and he will reimburse me. Fortunately, I have told him no, and the planning process starts all over again to make time to go shopping.

Lunchtime phone call went like this;

H: Hi, want to go to dinner tonight?

M: No I have stuff to do.

H: Okay I will see you tomorrow. What do you want to do over the weekend? There are some good movies out.

M: I think I'm going to spend sometime with friends this weekend. Plus I need sometime to myself.

H: This doesn't sound good.

M: Seriously? I really don't think you and I are going to work out.

H: What?!? I have deep affection for you! I want to spend the holidays with you! I want us to be together for a long time!

M: I'm having trouble believing that since you just say stuff. You've really blown my trust with that statement.

H: Yeah I can see that. Well take some time and when you want to get together again let me know. Bye

I think I dodged a bullet with this one!

That was easy. You just never call him again.

Now in the event he calls you again in a while, the answer is "You said when I want to get together to let you know. Well, I don't want to get together, hence the reason i havenn't let you know. Bye Bye."

 

[Carly_Roach]

My weekend was filled with voicemails, texts and emails. They ranged from, a voicemail on Saturday morning "Where would you like to go to dinner tonight?" to " You really aren't talking to me?" to "I promise I will do what I say I am going to do from now on just TALK to me."

Flowers just arrived at my work (Amazing! Now he knows how to order something off the internet!!) with a note of how sorry he is and that he will try to improve. I texted him thanking him for the flowers and that they will make a lovely centerpiece for our holiday luncheon this afternoon

I'm sorry...I must have missed it. What exactly is stopping you from stating that the relationship is over? Why didn't you text him "Thanks for the flowers but we're done"? Being nice to him just gives him a reason to think you're still interested.

 

[MickeySP]

My weekend was filled with voicemails, texts and emails. They ranged from, a voicemail on Saturday morning "Where would you like to go to dinner tonight?" to " You really aren't talking to me?" to "I promise I will do what I say I am going to do from now on just TALK to me."

Flowers just arrived at my work (Amazing! Now he knows how to order something off the internet!!) with a note of how sorry he is and that he will try to improve. I texted him thanking him for the flowers and that they will make a lovely centerpiece for our holiday luncheon this afternoon

My opinion - you either need to tell him goodbye for good or try to work it out - either is your choice. But waiting for him to just disappear is just as cruel as "I just say things"

So either say - We are done, please don't call.

or

set relationship parameters and stick to them, first violation - over & out.

I have a relationship that went through pains at the beginning(a little different than yours) I decided I saw the potential and the good that was ready to be there. We worked out to "our" satisfaction the things we both could and could not tolerate. It wasn't easy and we had many long & late talks but now 2 1/2 years later it is sooo worth the growing pains.

The best words I have ever heard happened last night when he told me " You know my life is so much better and happier with you in it" I think I cried more than the first I love you.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I don't know. I'd tend to believe what he tells you about, "just saying stuff".
He revealed himself to you in many ways.

1.) Not available (more than once) to buy his son's presents but telling you to go ahead and get them to be reimbursed by him. Not good.

2.) Telling you about presents he'd like to get you, then telling you he doesn't "know" you well enough. Not good.

He doesn't sound like a very thoughtful or giving guy, unless he's on the losing end, as with the flowers. To me he will probably revert back to his old ways once you are back with him. From what he told you, he'll just "say" stuff and you'll get used to it.

I would run like the wind.

 

[RitaE]

1.) Not available (more than once) to buy his son's presents but telling you to go ahead and get them to be reimbursed by him. Not good.

Aw come on and be a sweetheart and do his shopping for him.

Toad
Not Prince

Move along

Sucks to deal with it right before the holidays though. Merry, Merry Christmas - huh?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Aw come on and be a sweetheart and do his shopping for him.

Toad
Not Prince

Move along

Sucks to deal with it right before the holidays though. Merry, Merry Christmas - huh?

I swear, I'd ask him what the heck is wrong with him! I know I'd rattle his cage. Show some interest in buying presents for your own son! If he can't be bothered for his own child, he doesn't need a girlfriend. He sounds like a sad, sad person.

 

[mickeysgal]

Wow.

Read all these pages and now, imagine that, he's figured out how to buy you something by sending flowers. Honestly, he sounds like he just needs someone around to use as a booty call. Nothing more, nothing less. Not someone for a real relationship. He can't even manage to buy his own child a gift without trying to pawn off the responsibility to another person he virtually just started dating?

Lazy. Loser. Get rid of him.

But you need to be very direct and very clear with him. "Please don't call again" is the phrase that comes to mind.

 

[shortbun]

A man who is giving you this kind of trouble and confusion now will not get better. You see the BEST of them when they are courting you. Dump him as in, this is the last time I want to talk to you and return the Christmas gift you got him.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Wow.

Read all these pages and now, imagine that, he's figured out how to buy you something by sending flowers. Honestly, he sounds like he just needs someone around to use as a booty call. Nothing more, nothing less. Not someone for a real relationship. He can't even manage to buy his own child a gift without trying to pawn off the responsibility to another person he virtually just started dating?

Lazy. Loser. Get rid of him.

But you need to be very direct and very clear with him. "Please don't call again" is the phrase that comes to mind.

Amen. Unless, of course, the OP is using him herself just so she can tell other people she's in a "relationship". In which case they're both getting something they want out of the relationship so it's even steven and neither one has a right to complain.

Personally, I'd rather not be in a relationship at all than be in a bad one just so I could tell people that I'm in a relationship.