A few scattered thoughts about my mom

[Melora]

Please forgive my ramblings.. all of this talk today about mothers has sent me into a crying jag and I just needed to write about my mom who I lost to Parkinsons Disease on Feb 1st of this year...

On Christmas Day last year my mom came out of her room.. probably only about the 4th time since we moved in here. She ate at the dining room table with us and sat for 3 hours and looked at photo albums and talked about happy times and dogs she had and my dad and how much she missed him. (He has been gone since 1991). She hadn't been this strong in over a year. She thanked me several times for making the day so nice for her. When she went back into her room that Christmas night she never came out again until she was carried out on Feb 1st.

I do not know how she got the strength to spend that last Christmas with the family. It seemed like it took so much out of her that over the next month she just deteriorated daily.

I was so busy that next month, and she was so weak and unable to talk or hold her head up that I didnt make it into to see her nearly as often as I should of. Sometimes skipping a few days altogether.

I promised myself that I would not be hard on myself after she died, that I would remember that I had done my best. But now, as I look back, I wish so much I had gone in just to sit with her more than just a couple of times a week. Just to watch TV with her. Just to talk to her even if she couldnt talk back to me. I know she wanted to see me more. I know she wanted to hear me say that I loved her over and over again.

No matter how life gets in the way.. no matter how strained your relationship is.. please please take the time to make peace with your loved ones. No matter how much time you think there is, or how the relationship is beyond repair, time is a thief that robs you of what could be and no relationship will ever be hurt by saying I'm sorry or I love you one more time.

Even if the other person may not seem to care, you will know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. And when they are gone you will have peace knowing you did your best.

Here is the last picture I took of my mom on Christmas Day, with Sarah and Josie, her live in caretaker. Josie insisted I take the picture and now I am so glad that I did.

 

[Robinrs]

Melora....

I'm sitting here in tears.

HOW I know how thoughts of Mom can creep into our monds. The last conversation, the way she made me feel,... some days are easy, some days are just too painful to bear.

I do understand.

God bless you and your family,


Robinrs

 

[mommytotwo]

May your mom rest in peace. to you.

 

[piglet too]

Wish there was something I could do or say to take away your hurt.

 

[kimber79]

 

[Hillbeans]

Melora,

I know how you feel since I was the one who started the thread about Mother's day. I'm 33 and had a good relationship with my mom, we definitely had our moments though. I was pretty adventurous in my 20's and probably gave her all the gray hair she had. We've had our share of fights, and I apparently used to make her cry (even though I was a pretty straight arrow). One of my favorite memories of my mom was when I told her I was pregnant...she was so happy and I knew right then how much she loved me. When my mom got sick, last Father's day, it was a shock. She turned yellow, and apparently this happened due to the Gallbladder tumor and her bile duct being blocked. She only lived another 7 weeks, in and out of the hospital.

One day, when she was home (she came home twice for about a week at a time those 7 weeks) and I was crying and she couldn't even get the strength to get out of bed, and I remember it was dark in her room and I just told her I loved her. She said the same, and we both knew at that point we didn't need to say anymore. I also remember her last week alive, she had one really great day, where she actually said she felt like she could do anything. Her face was bright, she was happy and smiling and it was only 6 days later she died on August 17, 2003. She's was very religious, and knew she was dying yet she wasn't afraid. I think she was relieved because she was in so much pain. In addition, her closest sister died only about a year prior and that death took so much out of her I almost think she just wanted to see her again.

I sort of rambled on there also and i'm filled with tears talking about this, however just know that you did all that you could and as you said, in your heart you know you were there for them. I think I mentioned in a previous post how my mom was getting mad at me for coming to the hospital every night when I had worked a 10 hour day and I had a 3 yo and a DH at home, but I told her there is no other place I need to be more than with her. She also couldn't eat but i'd get her strawberry malted milkshakes at the ice cream shop and even though she wouldn't eat anything else all day, she ate one of those every day.

I find I have good days and bad days, and now i'm dealing with my Dad dating again - which is a whole separate thread in itself!

Take care and PM anytime.

 

[JoenAdamnErinnSam]

I had to post to this as while I haven't lost my Mom, I did lose my Dad almost 5 years ago,and while I was devastated and still miss him every day, I will tell you something someone told me a long time ago. The worse thing about death is regret. Regret over time not spent, regret over things not said, regret. I have to say that this is most definitely true.The person that told me this when I was 17,after the death of her 20 mo old son(to illness) I think gave me the greatest gift any one ever has given me. Death is not easy at any age,but if you live you're whole life with this thought, it is much easier to live with.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I'm very touched by your stories. *hugs* and thankyou for a bit of perspective today. I'm gonna go call my mom.

 

[tkyes]

{{{hugs}}} to you all!

 

[snoopy]

I think about my parents all the time, who died very young and in the prime of their lives. The sadness never really goes away. When our parents die its like there is no one left to unconditionally love us. Its a huge loss.

I'm cyber hugging you tight, Melora.

May the happy memories of your Mom help ease some of the pain.

 

[MickeysMommy]

to you, Melora. I know all about the bouts of the My dad is sick and it just comes upon you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.

 

[Melora]

Than you all so much.

I feel like Im just starting to grieve. Even though its been 2 months.

My relationship with my mother was strained most of the time. Now as an adult whos been around the block a couple of times, I understand why my mom did what she did while I was growing up. Of course it didnt make some of the things she did OK, but at least I understand.

When my dad died I was relieved. He had been dying for months and months. My mom would call at least weekly and tell me come right away Dad is dying. I would get there and he was sick, but not dying. One morning she called and said Dad is dead.... no room for misunderstanding. I went and sat with him until the mortuary came to pick him up. I thought I would never have regret (I was young and stupid). But as someone told me once, you do miss them no matter how bad the relationship was. I did stop remembering all the bad times, how he tried to fight with me from his sick bed, how I walked out so I wouldnt have bad memories form his last days. (At least I was smart in that regard). But I did come to miss him. Wished I had known him better. My mom was already sick back then, but it took another 13 years for the disease to take its final toll.

I guess I am going thorugh a stage of grief. It was ridiculous of me to think I had gotten over it and moved on. I don't think Ive scratched the surface.

My biggest regret is that we didnt know each other as well as we could have. She was a difficult lady and drove all of her friends away. Several of her friends called after she died and apologised for not coming to see her but said they couldnt keep in contact with her anymore because of how demanding she was.

There was no one but her 90 year old sister who lives 2 hours away that called to find out how she was about once a month. She did make it down to see her in August and it made my mom so happy. One of her other sisters had died in Sept and I remember her crying so hard. Sobbing until she couldnt breathe.

I am so sorry if I am making anyone sad. It just keeps pouring out of me today. Any moment now Jeff is going to come in and wonder why I'm crying... Then I'll start all over again when I have to tell him.

to everyone and the biggest thank you for letting me ramble.

 

[JoenAdamnErinnSam]

Melora,
What I meant by regret,and I believe what I said,is regret on your part-you cannot regret what happened in your relationship because of how THEY were,only how you dealt with it. I regret that my Dad didn't get to know his grandsons,but it wasn't because we didn't try-it was because he didn't make the effort-and believe me it was all HIS loss. I just refuse to make the same choice's he did. My heart goes out to you,and it does get better-it will never go away though. I just know that I loved him the best way I knew how,and he knew that.

 

[Melora]

Yes, I understand that regret. Maybe thats what is bothering me most. Regret that I didnt get to know them better as an adult or they didnt get to see my kids growing up and what great kids they turned out to be. My dad never knew my 2 youngest boys. He always wanted a boy (bought me hot wheels and Johnny Service Staiton as gifts )and he adored my oldest. But only made it until he was 4. Makes me very sad.

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by Melora
. My dad never knew my 2 youngest boys. He always wanted a boy (bought me hot wheels and Johnny Service Staiton as gifts )and he adored my oldest. But only made it until he was 4. Makes me very sad.

You're taking the words right out of my mouth. My mom got to see her 3 grandkids, now 4, 3, and 2, but I regret that the little ones won't remember her.

Try to give yourself a break. It sounds like you did all you could do and in fact it sounds like at the end you were there for her as much as anyone could expect. Try not to "What if" yourself too hard, because you can't change the past, but you can try and make the future good for yourself and your kids. Think about it...one day that may be you and your kids will be helping you out and i'm sure you'd not want them to be riddled with guilt for the next years of their lives.

You're only human, we all are. I know when mom and I were sitting in the hospital room the week before she died (I was actually PG at the time but lost it a few weeks later) I thought how sad it'd be for her not to see this new baby. It just made me want to do more with my son and friends i've lost tough with, and in fact, I try and "live life to the fullest" knowing that'd be what she'd want me to do.

Hugs to you.

 

[FranP]

Hillbeans, that baby you lost was found by your Mom in heaven - take comfort in knowing they are together