A conundrum,tell me what you think.

[donaldduck352]

I got a duaghter thats pregnant and engagded.Here is the problem.She and him sponges off us all the time.We are just getting bye on what we make.They got foodstamps and my freezer is empty.They eat at our house all most every night,but don't bring a dime to the table.

Now let me tell ya about myself.When DW and I 1'st met,we were totally by-ourself,nobody gave us nothing.I worked 90+hrs a week to make all the ends meet.We servived.Why can't our kids be the same.I know I spoiled the H*** out of them,but I thought I tought them better....

I just know DW is helping them behind my back.How do I make her see the light???

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I got a duaghter thats pregnant and engagded.Here is the problem.She and him sponges off us all the time.We are just getting bye on what we make.They got foodstamps and my freezer is empty.They eat at our house all most every night,but don't bring a dime to the table.

Now let me tell ya about myself.When DW and I 1'st met,we were totally by-ourself,nobody gave us nothing.I worked 90+hrs a week to make all the ends meet.We servived.Why can't our kids be the same.I know I spoiled the H*** out of them,but I thought I tought them better....

I just know DW is helping them behind my back.How do I make her see the light???

You can't make your wife see what she does not want to see. Why don't you tell your daughter and her boyfriend that they may come to dinner once a week, but no more. Stand your ground. No need to be mean, just set the rules out and stick to them.

 

[Scurvy]

You're right - that's quite a conundrum. I'm afraid you can't make your wife "see the light" but you could just try to explain to her why you don't want her to help your daughter. Then you'll have to hope she understands and agrees.

 

[laurie31]

How do you make her see the light? Shine it in her face, of course!

 

[Polyluvr]

Huh?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I got a duaghter thats pregnant and engagded.Here is the problem.She and him sponges off us all the time.We are just getting bye on what we make.They got foodstamps and my freezer is empty.They eat at our house all most every night,but don't bring a dime to the table.

Now let me tell ya about myself.When DW and I 1'st met,we were totally by-ourself,nobody gave us nothing.I worked 90+hrs a week to make all the ends meet.We servived.Why can't our kids be the same.I know I spoiled the H*** out of them,but I thought I tought them better....

I just know DW is helping them behind my back.How do I make her see the light???

You move out and start your own life. My sister's BIL finally moved out after 20+yrs. They have 6 kids (almost all grown, youngest is a SR in HS) and tons of grandkids that he was supporting. 3 of the girls are unmarried and keep getting pregnant.

He told his wife that he wanted them to move out many many times over the yrs. However now that his mom is dying of cancer, he realizes life is too short and while he loves his family he needs peace.

His wife agreed to a divorce and they are splitting up.

So, bottom line your wife either respects you or she does not. If she does not then you don't have a marriage anymore.

 

[pyrxtc]

It's time to lock the door and not be home or taking a nap.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Huh?

I'm not sure what you don't understand. It seems pretty clear to me.

OP, how old are the kids? Are they still in school? If they're still in highschool or college, I say do what you can to help them. They will get much further with an education.

Is the fiance working? If so, he needs to help pay for food. If not, he needs to get a job. Maybe you can sit him down Man-to-man and talk to him about it. Just don't do it in a way that makes him get defensive.

As far as your wife, she's probably worried about your daughter and excited about a grandchild. I'm not sure what you can say to her, other than exactly how you feel. Maybe you could ask her advice on how to help them become more self-sufficient? That might put her in a better frame of mind.

 

[Liberty Belle]

You move out and start your own life. My sister's BIL finally moved out after 20+yrs. They have 6 kids (almost all grown, youngest is a SR in HS) and tons of grandkids that he was supporting. 3 of the girls are unmarried and keep getting pregnant.

He told his wife that he wanted them to move out many many times over the yrs. However now that his mom is dying of cancer, he realizes life is too short and while he loves his family he needs peace.

His wife agreed to a divorce and they are splitting up.

So, bottom line your wife either respects you or she does not. If she does not then you don't have a marriage anymore.

Geez, that's a little harsh. Maybe she feels just as strongly? What about him respecting her? Marriage is a give and take. They need to talk about it and come up with a solution together.

Thank goodness my husband and I didn't decide on divorce everytime we disagreed about major things.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Geez, that's a little harsh. Maybe she feels just as strongly? What about him respecting her? Marriage is a give and take. They need to talk about it and come up with a solution together.

Thank goodness my husband and I didn't decide on divorce everytime we disagreed about major things.

It is not a disagree thing. She is going behind his back. Clearly you never experienced this situation. Let me tell you, it is a matter of respect.

You need to be harsh and use tough love here.

He said that HE has also spoiled his DD. This is not something that is going to be "talked about and decided".

This is something you have to decide if you want to live with. You can't keep fighting over it. You either are going to put up with it or not. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Liberty Belle]

It is not a disagree thing. She is going behind his back. Clearly you never experienced this situation. Let me tell you, it is a matter of respect.

You need to be harsh and use tough love here.

He said that HE has also spoiled his DD. This is not something that is going to be "talked about and decided".

This is something you have to decide if you want to live with. You can't keep fighting over it. You either are going to put up with it or not. Hope that makes sense.

Ok, I understand more what you're saying now, but I still don't agree. The wife might be really worried about her daughter and doing out of worry and love. I do think it's wrong, but I don't think it means their marriage is over and I don't think it's something that the wife will necessarily do again, especially if her husband tells her how much he doesn't like it.

 

[punkin]

I am also confused. OP talk to your wife and daughter and tell them your concerns...and what exactly are your concerns? If you don't want to feed them unless they contribute, tell them that. If you think your wife is giving them money behind your back, tell her that is unacceptable as long as you are on a shoestring budget.

 

[Rora]

I would talk to your daughter and her fiancee about this. Ask them to bring something to the table as you cannot continue to support them.

I think you need your wife on-board with this. I'd first talk to her and explain to her that while she thinks that she is helping, she's actually hurting them. They're adults and going to be parents very soon. They need to start earning money and supporting themselves as you two cannot do it forever.

This is a tough situation. I hope it works out for the best!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Ok, I understand more what you're saying now, but I still don't agree. The wife might be really worried about her daughter and doing out of worry and love. I do think it's wrong, but I don't think it means their marriage is over and I don't think it's something that the wife will necessarily do again, especially if her husband tells her how much he doesn't like it.

I am sure she is worried and is excited and all that jazz, not going to argue with you there.

OP has a set family dynamic that is going to be hard to break.

When you have a spouse giving money away when you are working trying to make ends meet, it sets up a very tense situation.

Well the marriage may not be over however how long would you put up with your spouse giving away money you cannot afford to behind your back?

 

[usnuzuloose]

If it were me, I would no longer be enabling them. My great concern would be the young man she is engaged to. How is he going to provide income for a whole family? He should be more concerned about getting a job and providing for a baby on the way.


Your wife needs to understand if this continues where does this young couple ever learn to grow up and not depend on you or anyone else. Because if this is the case there whole life will continue to run to anyone to support them and not be responsible for there own actions. Jo

 

[lovesmurfs]

Your wife is obviously sympathic to them, and you're nice people by wanting to help your daughter.

However, you need to let your wife know that she's actually HURTING your daughter by allowing her to continue (and by enabling) bad behavior.

I'd really recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If it were me, I would no longer be enabling them. My great concern would be the young man she is engaged to. How is he going to provide income for a whole family? He should be more concerned about getting a job and providing for a baby on the way.


Your wife needs to understand if this continues where does this young couple ever learn to grow up and not depend on you or anyone else. Because if this is the case there whole life will continue to run to anyone to support them and not be responsible for there own actions. Jo

How should he do that?

I guess he could deny access to money for his wife (his paycheck). He could set up an account to put his paycheck in and not let her have access to that.

Also he would need to take over bill paying and all finances if he does not do that already.

That will certainly cut off the cash well out of his paycheck.

That is why I said move out. Really that is tongue in cheek but it does save a lot of fighting and gets your point across quick.

To tackle this issue head on is ugly and sometimes aggravates the situation. Spouse might get a credit card and start charging stuff to get revenge or to buy what she feels because spouse is now controlling the money.

OP, how do you want to solve this? That is really the question.

 

[mjkacmom]

Huh?

 

[C.Ann]

No advice - tough situation because we all love our kids.. Sometimes even "too" much.. I hope you and your wife can work this out on your own..

 

[donaldduck352]

Thank you everyone for your advise.My wife and I met for lunch today and talked about this.We both came to a agreement that we both need to sit and talk to both of them and set some boundries or rules.I told her if we don't its gonna split us up and she agreed.We love each other to much to let that happen..