A cockroach biting my butt.... The End 7/21 #285

[Sorsha]

Keep 'em coming, King family!
A new installment of your trip report when I log on in the mornings just makes my day! You are a wonderful writer, and I love hearing about your adventures.
Also, I hope you don't mind my appropriating your words, but I do believe "Sweet mother of fudge get out of my way!!" shall become my new catchphrase.

 

[Ellasgirls]

Oh man, Oh man.... machine gun farting....you need to check that weapon at the door Mrs. Mr. The King! Laughing again until the tears ran down my legs! Thank you very much... now for another dose please!

 

[Mr._The_King]

CB= Community Boards, where many of us following your story hang out. Warning, it's addictive.

I will head over there

OK some of us are going into withdrawls here. We need another installement.. PLEEEEAAASSSSSEEEE...

I am hoping to finish tonight. Stay tuned

Keep 'em coming, King family!
A new installment of your trip report when I log on in the mornings just makes my day! You are a wonderful writer, and I love hearing about your adventures.
Also, I hope you don't mind my appropriating your words, but I do believe "Sweet mother of fudge get out of my way!!" shall become my new catchphrase.

Sweet mother of Fudge needs to be used more often, so have at it. Thank you for reading.

Oh man, Oh man.... machine gun farting....you need to check that weapon at the door Mrs. Mr. The King! Laughing again until the tears ran down my legs! Thank you very much... now for another dose please!

I wish I could leave this weapon somewhere, but it stubburnly attached. Thank you for laughing

 

[chaoscent]

You know, i don't want you to finish either. What will we have to look forward to when we come on the boards? I check the postings, check the picture of the day and drool with envy, keep up on the latest tips and then go for the laughs. So you will need to make this trip last longer.
Thanks, Penny

 

[Mr._The_King]

We end this trip report with the story of my electrocution, how to win a peg game, and Mr. the King trying to find my dignity.

Spoiler: He doesn’t
By now that shouldn’t surprise you.

In preparing to write this final chapter I was looking through the myriad of pictures we took on our one day extravaganza to the world. Some are fantastic but as always many are simply sucktastic. In looking at a few of the worst I begin laughing as my eyes are drawn to the family portrait I have proudly displayed in the living room.

This past winter I dressed up the Kings and took them to the local Wal-Mart. We have not had a family portrait since PC was about 18 months old. PS grew up looking at this portrait in which she was not included. Did she care? No. But I did. It bothered me. I wanted a current one. Now if you have never done a Wal-Mart portrait before, I will tell you, they are cheap. Insanely cheap. Like $1.98 for four million copies. The gimmick is, to get the cheap deal; you have to take your first approved picture as your “package”. Then you have to sit for 6 much more flattering pictures. And you have to pass on said pictures and take the first one. Since PC was very little I have been hitting this portrait studio hard. I love my cheap package.

Mr. The King hates the whole scene. It drives him crazy. He doesn’t want to get dressed up to go to Wal-Mart. He doesn’t want to pose right next to the entrance doors like a Wal-Mart exhibit. Don’t tell him, but I am starting to agree. But I love a good deal and we never did find my dignity, so we dressed up and went to Wal-Mart. The hardest part is waking up the drunken “photographer”. Really, he’s just there to turn on the technological nightmare that will give up the "deal" (a horrible picture in the worst lighting available). We position ourselves so we can all see our heads. The “photographer” trips and accidentally takes the picture. We approve it from a distance. Six more pictures later, we are on our way. I will be able to pick up this important piece of King heritage in two weeks. Mr. The King glares at me as I insist on doing a little shopping. Dressed up. Why it is such a crime to be dressed up in Wal-Mart is a mystery to me.

Two weeks pass and I go to pick up the heirloom. I wake up the drunk dude again. He hands me the familiar envelope, but won’t take my money. “No, It’s free.”
Hmmm…I love free things
I don’t argue and walk away with my free envelope. I sit in my minivan and pull out one 8x10 picture of my precious family. There is a huge sticker that says “Does Not Meet Quality Standards.”

The Kings did not meet Wal-Mart’s quality standards? They sell lead filled baby bibs. How bad could our picture be?

I peeled off the sticker. I could hardly breathe from the laughing. This picture may not be up to Wal-Mart’s standards, but it was right up my ally. We are all looking in different directions, like we were viewing a four ring circus. PC is behind us standing on two Styrofoam bricks; he is in the process of falling off and has a look of terror on his face. I am trying to use a new trick I saw on Oprah, if you lean your face into the camera, you look like Cameron Diaz. (Didn’t work but I am almost positive that trick recreated the face I made when I woke up during my colonoscopy ).

PS is sitting on my lap and is looking off to the distance, no where near the camera. And Mr. The King was obviously trying to anger me in a uniquely male passive aggressive type of way. He has a lazy eye which he controls most of the time (unless he is tired or drinking). Well, in the picture, he let his eyes slide, making him look like the lucky soul that can watch two rings of the circus at once. To top it all off, we are off center. The “Standards Commission” at Wal-Mart believed this horror show needed to be super glued to a thick block of cardboard because that would make it…better…somehow??? Was the store trying to save us from ourselves? If Wal-Mart really wanted to maintain their non-King family standards, they should have glued the cardboard to the front. I know the chances of getting Mr. the King dressed up in Wal-Mart again are very unlikely. I would have to put up with him showing up for the “portrait” in a wife beater and boxers. And he would do the eye trick, again. Once he laid his eye on this train wreck (and dragged the lazy eye over so he could focus) he would make me keep it as reminder of the evils of portrait taking.

So I took a steak knife, hacked the “special” cardboard off the back and stuffed that sucker in a cheap lead filled Wal-Mart frame (that apparently did meet quality standards) and placed it prominently in my living room. I explain to any visitors that the picture was snapped as Wal-Mart exploded and that is why we were so disoriented (except for Mr. The King who had simply been drinking….with the photographer).
I did not find my dignity in Wal-Mart.


Soon after the cat climbing up Mr. The King’s back incident, Mr. The King tried to kill me. No one blames him, but I am still angry. When celebrating our first Christmas together, Mr. The King wanted classy, simple decorations. I wanted gaudy, abnormally large, light up Santa heads. Mr. The King then used the illegal tactic of scaring the crap out of me to get his way.
Him: “Looks like somebody beheaded a giant glowing Santa.”
He knows I hate anything that is disembodied from its body. (I also hate skeletons. I was afraid of my own body for months after my mother told me I had a skeleton inside me).

So we got classy. Or what we thought was classy at 23. In Wal-Mart (and we know how high their standards are).

But, as a special present, to be romantic, Mr. The King put a very homely Santa, that was made of plastic shells, that I had brought from my parents’ house on our new front door. This door (to our apartment) was solid metal. Right next to the door was a horrible halogen lamp that Mr. The King dragged from his college apartment. It was ugly, but still worked. I guess lamps don’t have to be classy in Mr. The King’s world.

But they can be deadly.

Well King Friday, the poopy footed cat, always made a mad dash for the door when opened.

Mr. the King told me to go look at the front door. Ahh, a surprise from my brand new husband. I opened the door to look and King Friday tried to run. I put my hand out delicately to stop her and gently grazed the college lamp with my other hand on the door. An electric current raced through my body. I had created some sort of path for the elecricity that usually lit up his hideous lamp. What happens when you plug in Mrs. The King?

She screams. The loudest scream in the world. And she pees her pants a little. Now our apartment door was directly opposite our neighbors’ metal front door. (They had never plugged themselves into it as far as we know)

You remember our neighbors? They were laying in their bed all nicey nice when an almost naked Mr. The King tried to put his fist through the bathroom wall and screamed at the top of HIS lungs when the cat climbed him like a tree? Well, turns out Mrs. The King can scream louder.

As the current pulsed off, I collapsed and crawled into the living room.
Where is my shockingly romantic husband? Well, he is in the kitchen running as fast as he can while staying in one place, Flintstone style. By the time he got to me I was crying. He was sure someone had tried to kill me. He was also in his boxer shorts.
Him: “Are you ok?
What happened?!!!
The neighbors are going to come to the door and check this out!
Is it ok if I put my pants on? Should I call an ambulance?”

I stare at him. He is in his boxers. Again. Did he hang up the Santa in his boxers? Shell Santa deserves more respect than that. I tell him to get dressed. I am not going to die. Mr. The King puts his pants on (It took several years of training to get him to wear pants at home. And by training I mean helping me into an ambulance on various occasions in the middle of the night.).

Now, I know everyone feels bad for our neighbors, but they made it all up to us when we had a dinner party. After one glass of wine, the husband became screamingly drunk and was telling us about his affair (in front of the wife) and that he was picking up our cordless phone conversations on his handheld scanner and he liked listening in…. Weird. Weirder than cats and lamps.

I did not find my dignity with the lamp.

But who cares about dignity when you can see the Fudge!!

The Kings are in front of the candy store, my secret head mission, and I shout out “How about the candy store?” to Mr. the King. Now, Mr. The King is in “exit mode”, he can see the glow from the parking lot lights. He knows my head mission could ruin us. He sees that by some Mickey miracle, the gates are not crowded. By farting around in the candy store, we could squander this miracle and wind up with the squishalisous nightmare escaping the Kingdom.
Mr. The King looks at me with doubt and suspicion. I silently reenact the lamp electrocution fixing my face in a reminder of the terror and angst I suffered. I play dirty for fudge and he relents.
I am in the candy store. And the pick your own Fudge line is outrageous. The Jiggler is pulsating in anticipation of its favorite treat. A dilemma. The kids are picking out reasonable prepackaged treats. The cashier line is almost empty.

An answer is stacked close by. The prepackaged Fudge, promising it is made daily, in an insanely expensive “collector’s” tin. Almost double the price of the pick your own fudge.

God I love the sound of that. Screw “Pick your own apples or strawberries”. Pick Your Own Fudge!!!! Fresh from the vine or the butter vat.

I pick out a tin. Knife to enable the sucking included. We pay…a lot… for the stuff and head out. We take one glance at Main Street, which is lined with millions of people awaiting the fireworks. We dump a naked stroller at the stroller curtain. And we leave the park. We get on a reasonable two monorail line. We get on the resort monorail, thinking it would be faster to board. It wasn’t, but it afforded us more time to enjoy the fireworks from the monorail. We had great seats and watched the exploding magic above my house. We took a deep breath.

We were out. There was no stopping us now. We weren’t smooshed. The window of escape we had hoped for was there even with the fudge stop. We boarded the tram and the kids were thrilled with their last “ride” all the way back to Dopey.
The kids were asleep as soon as the minivan doors closed and I had a knife in my hand before we were off property.

An hour and half and we are back to the scene of the crime, the cockroach bite. We tucked the kids in bed and showered up. My parents had sprayed for “palmetto” bugs when they came home earlier that night. We never did see another of Mr. the King’s little friends for the remainder of our visit. The next morning we piled up our plastic Mickey bags full of the things we “had” to have. We always save the bags and use them months later. Like a special treat. It is hard to throw Mickey away.

We headed to the Cracker Bear by my mother’s for lunch. The kids were very fond of getting a toy and a meal, so we went to a lot of Cracker Bears on this vacation. We sat at a huge table with many extra peg in the hole games. We all muddled through the frustrating, embarrassing game. I look at my mother. She has one peg left. I watch her do it again.
Me -“Sweet Mother of Fudge Woman! Are you doing that on purpose?”
Surprised blue eyes look back.
Her-“Of course, ever since I learned the trick I can get one or two pegs left”
Me-“Care to clue me in Mom?”
Her-“Well, you point a point of the triangle towards you, and bring all the pegs towards you”
I try it. Two pegs. Try it again. Two pegs.
All the years of shame and head hanging, and mom had the answer.

See you thought this trip report was just a lot of crazy talk about my butt and farts and poop. But you have now learned a wonderful tip, which will make you look smarter! You are Welcome!

So we drive home at the end of our vacation. It is always tough to leave, because we have a rip roaring ball with my parents. And also with my in laws. We have so much fun with all of them. My dream is to have us all live closer to each other.

Of course, we had reservations for a hotel on the way back (actually we had reservations at just about every hotel on I-95). We gave Pedro the finger he deserves for being a pitiful reminder of what we left. Have you ever seen anyone with a “South of the Boarder” bumper sticker? I can’t make sense of it. Bizarre.

The kids watch movies, Mr. The King and I fill out a notebook for a trip report. (Like I would ever write a trip report about one day? How boring would that be?)

We are almost home. When I have to pee. I had the unfortunate timing of having a huge drink just before we hit “The dead zone” There are no potties for about 45 minutes. Mr. The King and the kids are fine on their peeometers. But I am not. I have to go. My eyes are getting bigger and my whining is getting louder.

Mr. The King remembers a creepy 7-11 next to a liquor store (why does he know about this place?) It is our last hope before flat fields and no stores for at least another 20 minutes. We pull in. I can’t move. From all the pee. Mr. The King runs in and out. Too quick for good news.
Him- “It’s broken”
Me-“mmssgdgspeendj”

We move onto plan B.
I was really avoiding thinking about plan B.

Me-“I am just going to have to go in the kids’ potty.”

We have an emergency potty in the Stow n’ Go for when PS was being potty trained. I pull it out along with the dusty old emergency diaper.
Emergency toddler potty has a teeny weenie hole.
I lined the potty with the diaper and climbed in the back. I made room on the floor.
I assumed the position.
Me- “Get us out of this parking lot so I can have some dignity”

Now, on a good day, I get stage fright. If a public bathroom is stone cold quiet with others in it, I can’t do my business. I need a little noise or something. Or a shock. Or a good laugh.

Perched on a potty in the back of my minivan with my whole family staring at me was too much.
Mr. the King is driving around looking for a more private place. I think he is trying to dethrone me. He just can’t resist throwing me around.

I am telling myself that the windows are tinted and no one can see me. But I know the truth. On a sunny day everyone can see you just fine.

Mr. The King pulls over in front of an “abandoned” house. We all look as if on cue into the house. A good ten people are gathered on the sun porch, looking at us looking at them. I give a little wave.
I scream- “What are you doing?”
Mr. The King speeds away from the house “Trying to find your dignity!”
The laughing does an old bladder good and I use the teeny potty. By the time I get everything cleaned up and crawl to the front, We are getting close to home. Our one day visit to the Parks over. It left us wanting more, and enjoying what we did get to do.

So that is it friends! How many chapters did I drag out my one day? This should be illegal. I must confess, I was surprised some of the things I wrote didn’t get me kicked off of my beloved Dis boards. Thank you so much for reading. I hope I made Chris's deadline!!I

 

[whogirl'smom]

The Jiggler must be preserved in its annonymity-like the great and powerful Oz! But I know UtahMama carries a lot of weight around here, and I am just a lowly reader of trippies, not a writer of one myself, so maybe I don't get a vote. I am so sorry your dignity is still on the lam...

We, too, have a Wal-Mart $5.88 special in the office (it is too hideous to put on public display). What is worse, is that it's of DD and her three little cousins last year because DNana decided she wanted a picture of them together (to put on a license plate on her car...yes, I am also acquainted with the Hicks on Holiday family). My beautiful DD, who looked wonderful in her solo pictures, looks like she's going to throw up, her two (little demon) boy cousins look possessed and poor little 15mo. old cousin keeps holding up her dress and showing her belly. We finally just let her and took another picture. Yes, you heard right, this bad picture was not the 5.88 one!!!! That one was with Nana and Poppy and we had to pay $60.00 for a package of the Deliverance kids!!! That's why my daughter looked like she was going to throw up. No money left for fudge at Disney... .


You have made me laugh so much in the past few weeks--please start a pre-trippie or something, even if it is years in advance. Nobody makes poop funnier than you, Mrs. the King!

 

[Backstage_Gal]

Thanks, Mrs. The King, that was a very funny report. I just finished it in a marathon sitting this afternoon. Hope to hear more from you in the future.

 

[angel*lady]

Wonderful TR! I'm so sorry it had to end! I about peed in my pants reading about your porta potty experience! Until next time ...

 

[Mr._The_King]

The Jiggler must be preserved in its annonymity-like the great and powerful Oz! But I know UtahMama carries a lot of weight around here, and I am just a lowly reader of trippies, not a writer of one myself, so maybe I don't get a vote. I am so sorry your dignity is still on the lam...

We, too, have a Wal-Mart $5.88 special in the office (it is too hideous to put on public display). What is worse, is that it's of DD and her three little cousins last year because DNana decided she wanted a picture of them together (to put on a license plate on her car...yes, I am also acquainted with the Hicks on Holiday family). My beautiful DD, who looked wonderful in her solo pictures, looks like she's going to throw up, her two (little demon) boy cousins look possessed and poor little 15mo. old cousin keeps holding up her dress and showing her belly. We finally just let her and took another picture. Yes, you heard right, this bad picture was not the 5.88 one!!!! That one was with Nana and Poppy and we had to pay $60.00 for a package of the Deliverance kids!!! That's why my daughter looked like she was going to throw up. No money left for fudge at Disney... .


You have made me laugh so much in the past few weeks--please start a pre-trippie or something, even if it is years in advance. Nobody makes poop funnier than you, Mrs. the King!

Thank you so much for reading and posting The Deliverance kid story rocks "Nobody makes poop funnier than you" Is such an honor

Thanks, Mrs. The King, that was a very funny report. I just finished it in a marathon sitting this afternoon. Hope to hear more from you in the future.

Thank you for being here to read it.

Wonderful TR! I'm so sorry it had to end! I about peed in my pants reading about your porta potty experience! Until next time ...

Thank you for reading!!!!

 

[KimmyDisneyNerd]

NO TELL ME ITS NOT OVER!! Please tell me there is a trip in the works soon??
I have enjoyed every single minute of this TR. Please come back soon, K?
I will come back and reread it any time I'm feeling like a good laugh, I seriously LOVED it!

 

[wen8jr]

Mrs. The King - Loved your TR!!! Thanks for the fun! I'm sad to see it end.

 

[javamom]

Enjoyed your report. That cat thing had me and my hubby in tears!!

 

[celerystalker]

1. We need to see pics of the wal-mart scariness.

2. what do you mean peeing in the back? Like a potty chair? lined with a diaper? Or something else. I be scared.

3. I laughed out loud 4 times. Of course, I'm drunk right now, so you can only count 2 of those, but that's still a high number for one post. Good job!

4. When can we expect the next trip report?

 

[Chris]

Awwww, it can't be over Mrs Mr. the King needs to get you back to Disney real SOON!!

I'm here!! :-D Tomorrow we're going to DTD (B.B.B.) and then Chef Mickey's for dinner w/the kdis!!

 

[Mr._The_King]

NO TELL ME ITS NOT OVER!! Please tell me there is a trip in the works soon??
I have enjoyed every single minute of this TR. Please come back soon, K?
I will come back and reread it any time I'm feeling like a good laugh, I seriously LOVED it!

I am thrilled you loved it! Thanks for supporting my trip report, it was so great to have you here

Mrs. The King - Loved your TR!!! Thanks for the fun! I'm sad to see it end.

I am sad too!! Thank you for reading

Enjoyed your report. That cat thing had me and my hubby in tears!!

It had my hubby in tears too, but not in a good way! Thank you for reading!!

1. We need to see pics of the wal-mart scariness.
Wal Mart is monitoring me ever since the "incident". If I reproduce the picture in any way, the picture will explode.2. what do you mean peeing in the back? Like a potty chair? lined with a diaper? Or something else. I be scared.

It was a highly conveint, stream lined travel potty Stalker. For toddler henies. You think you be scared? Think of the potty! It was faced with a frantic Jiggler. This is the exact potty! See that little teddy bear? He is a man now

3. I laughed out loud 4 times. Of course, I'm drunk right now, so you can only count 2 of those, but that's still a high number for one post. Good job!

If you are drunk I am counting 6. What are we having?

4. When can we expect the next trip report?

Mr. The King is hopefully getting promoted. Which stomped out our annual trip. I know. Some friggin nerve right? I might not be back to check on my castle until July 2008 ?

Awwww, it can't be over Mrs Mr. the King needs to get you back to Disney real SOON!!

I'm here!! :-D Tomorrow we're going to DTD (B.B.B.) and then Chef Mickey's for dinner w/the kdis!!

See above for the horrible truth Chris! I love Chef Mickey's. Have the most special time!!!

 

[madcam]

YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST WOMAN EVER!!!!!! I am going to bed now......just finnished reading this whole thing and crying like an idiot because I am laughing so hard!!! Thanks for sharing!!

 

[kindakrazy2]

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

That is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life! I have tears running down my face and had to forward the link to my DH because he thinks I am out of my ever-lovin' mind roaring with laughter!

Thanks for the laughs today - I sure did need them!

 

[Mr._The_King]

YOU ARE THE FUNNIEST WOMAN EVER!!!!!! I am going to bed now......just finnished reading this whole thing and crying like an idiot because I am laughing so hard!!! Thanks for sharing!!

That is so great! Thank you for telling me

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!

That is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life! I have tears running down my face and had to forward the link to my DH because he thinks I am out of my ever-lovin' mind roaring with laughter!

Thanks for the laughs today - I sure did need them!

I am so glad I made you laugh and I hope you have a great day

 

[Magic Maker]

And I thought I couldn't suffer any worse than waiting for the new season of "Gray's Anatomy." Now I must stalk the King family!

 

[Mr._The_King]

And I thought I couldn't suffer any worse than waiting for the new season of "Gray's Anatomy." Now I must stalk the King family!

Stalk away!