A bit of Ex advice please

[carolfoy]

Sorry if this goes on a bit.
My Ex (Lets call him 'R') and I split up when Callum was about 18 months old, after a couple of months he was seeing a lady (I'll call her 'N') and they moved in witheach other. Fair enough, They were married after about 4 years together but split up in march of this year. R didn't mention anything about it to me at all it was only Callum who told me. He has become very close to N over the years and she has treated him like one of her own. R is now refusing to let Callum see N and doesn't seem to think that N needs Callum in her life (she has been a second mother to him for practically 8 years and Callum doesn't know of a life without her) Callum has been very upset about this so I 'engineered' a meeting last weekend whereby we were shopping in Exeter and 'happened' to bump into N, went for lunch together , had a chat etc. N is very keen on keeping in touch with Callum and misses him like mad so she asked if it was possible for Callum to stay a couple of days with her in half term. This is fine by me but I didn't want to sneak around behind Rs back so I asked him last night.
He's furious and says that N should just bog off out of Callums life and leave him be but Callums really keen on seeing his stepmother.
Now the question..
If R really puts his foot down and refuses to let Callum see N should I go ahead anyway? he's being really unreasonable as far as I can see. I certainly don't remeber him having any consideration for my feelings when we split up and he was taking my (then) small son around 'this other womans' house a lot. N agrees with me but I don't want Callum becoming a weapon between the two of them.

 

[wilma-bride]

I think the most important person in this whole scenario is Callum. If he is old enough to decide that he wants to continue to see 'N' (and I seem to recall he's about 9 or 10 isn't he Carol?) then I think he should be allowed to continue to see her.

The fact that she is your ex's ex should make no difference to whether or not Callum is allowed to continue his relationship with her. I appreciate that 'R' is not going to be happy if you go behind his back but Callum is your child as well as his and, as you say, for the last 8 years 'N' has been a big part of his life. To prevent Callum from seeing her would be unfair on both of them. If she has done nothing wrong to you or to Callum and you don't have a problem with it, I suggest that 'R's' problem is just bitterness and his own issues with the relationship and how it ended. This should not be allowed to influence his feelings about how or whether Callum should see 'N'.

Having been on the receiving end of someone trying to stop me from seeing my own children, I totally understand what effect this can have (on all parties).

You should go with your instinct, Carol, and allow Callum and 'N' to see each other for as long as they both want to.

 

[carolfoy]

Thanks Joh, I was hoping you'd agree that I was in the right but I just didn't know whether I was being unreasonable, I guess theres a part of me that is smug that he's failed once more in a relationaship - proves its not me thats impossible to live with eh? and you're right, Callums 10, he understands his Dad is hurting right now but that Rs allowing his personal feelings towards N to get in the way. Callum also undertsands that whilst N will no longer be a part of his life on a 'every other weekend' basis that it doesn't stop them from seeing each other every couple of months.

 

[natalielongstaff]

i agree with joh as well carol, callum is old enough to make his own mind up and indeed has done ! your ex is just being a prat about it

 

[Minniespal]

Carol ~ Totally agree with Joh on this one

 

[mandymouse]

I think the most important person in this whole scenario is Callum. If he is old enough to decide that he wants to continue to see 'N' (and I seem to recall he's about 9 or 10 isn't he Carol?) then I think he should be allowed to continue to see her.

I totally agree, if 'N' was good enough to be a mother figure to Callum then, then she should still be allowed to carry on.

 

[Chilly]

I agree as well. It is what Callum wants that is important. Hopefully 'R' will come round when he has calmed down and thought about it.

 

[Laurafoster]

I completely agree! Callum is old enough to decide for himself and i agree with Natalie you Ex is being a prat about it!!

To be honest if anyone should have cause to moan it would be you!

 

[UKDEB]

When relationships end acrimoniously, often all sorts of other relationships are affected. When I split up with my first husband, he was very bitter and his family (who had become my family too over the 16 years we were together) cut me off completely. That meant that I lost contact with 5 nieces who I loved dearly and who loved me too. They had no say in the matter and I have no idea how it affected them. Fast forward 13 years and things are now almost civil. My nieces are grown up and two of them are married (one is now expecting her first baby). I've only seen them a few times in all these years, most recently at my ex Mother-in-Law's funeral. Whenever I do see them, there's always lots of hugging and tears.

I think you need to examine your own motives for wanting your son to continue to see his Stepmother. If you can put your hand on your heart and swear that you are doing it for his sake, and his sake alone, then maybe you should facilitate it. Even then, I think you need to work hard to get your ex onside. Your son will be far more damaged by becoming a weapon in a complicated 3-way feud than by losing contact with his Stepmother. And, if he does continue to see her, you must never be the one to change your mind about the whole thing. Human nature being what it is, I think this situation has the potential to backfire on you and I'd recommend proceeding with caution.

 

[carolfoy]

Wise words Deb, thank you. As far as I am concerned Callum can still see N, as I believe she has looked after him more responsibly than R over the last 8 years. I agree that emotions get in the way of responsible decision making which is why I'm cautious about agreeing to him seeing /not seeing her. I'm pretty sure I'm not doing this for the tit-for-tat effect and I'm sure I'll be happy for Callum to see N next year, the year after etc, obviously he'll be in contact more by phone due to the fact that we're not in the same town but Ns daughters live in the same town as me so N will be here visiting her grandchildren at some point and I want her to feel comfortable with coming around and not to feel that she has to make Callum lie about her visiting.

 

[yo-ho-yo-ho]

Hard one to call !!!

Does N have bitter feelings towards R ? i would be just worried incase this break-up wasn't R's fault and N tries to turn your son against him.

What about meetings like the one you just had to start off with and then see how things go ? let things settle down for a while.

And i hope this isn't you trying to get one over on your Ex !!!

 

[wils]

My gut feel follows most that Callum should be able to have contact with 'N'. Obviously it is going to be easier if 'R' agrees but that seem unlikely!

I'll be hoping it all works out OK

 

[Madjock]

Have to say I agree with Deb on this one Carol, I would proceed with great caution. whilst I agree it sounds like your ex is being unreasonable, without knowing his reasons it's difficult to judge, but at the end of the day Callum's relationship with his dad is far more important than his relationship with his stepmum. I also think, for Callum's sake, it would be unwise to jeopardis your relationship with your ex by going behind his back on something he feels strongly about. Personally, I would back out of it for the time being, let the dust settle and maybe leave it to Callum to convince his dad he's old enough to decide for himself. Good luck.

 

[carolfoy]

I fear that R will try more to brainwash Callum into believing that N is the bad person here, rather than the other way round.
N is not bitter towards R, but he is very bitter towards her. I think you're right, I'm going to steer well clear of it all and let the dust settle a bit. I'll suggest to R that Callum and I will see N whenever we're in Exeter (which is very rare)
Thank you all for listening and allowing me to get this off my chest

 

[ariel75]

Sorry if this goes on a bit.
My Ex (Lets call him 'R') and I split up when Callum was about 18 months old, after a couple of months he was seeing a lady (I'll call her 'N') and they moved in witheach other. Fair enough, They were married after about 4 years together but split up in march of this year. R didn't mention anything about it to me at all it was only Callum who told me. He has become very close to N over the years and she has treated him like one of her own. R is now refusing to let Callum see N and doesn't seem to think that N needs Callum in her life (she has been a second mother to him for practically 8 years and Callum doesn't know of a life without her) Callum has been very upset about this so I 'engineered' a meeting last weekend whereby we were shopping in Exeter and 'happened' to bump into N, went for lunch together , had a chat etc. N is very keen on keeping in touch with Callum and misses him like mad so she asked if it was possible for Callum to stay a couple of days with her in half term. This is fine by me but I didn't want to sneak around behind Rs back so I asked him last night.
He's furious and says that N should just bog off out of Callums life and leave him be but Callums really keen on seeing his stepmother.
Now the question..
If R really puts his foot down and refuses to let Callum see N should I go ahead anyway? he's being really unreasonable as far as I can see. I certainly don't remeber him having any consideration for my feelings when we split up and he was taking my (then) small son around 'this other womans' house a lot. N agrees with me but I don't want Callum becoming a weapon between the two of them.

You do what you think is right for your son!!!
Men can be so sour. Your ex should just put up and shut up for the sake of your child.What happens when the next woman in his life comes around does he just expect your son to build a relationship and then wipe the person out off his life just as quick??????

 

[arieljasmine]

Carol, I think you already have enough advice to digest, and it seems that you have decided what to do, so I just wanted to send you and hope things work out the best for everyone, especially Callum.

ArielJasmine

 

[carolfoy]

Thanks for all the hugs and advice, its really good to discuss these things with people who aren't emotionally involved and get an unprejudiced opinion.

 

[saratogagirl]

Hi Carol

I have no advice to offer sorry, but wanted to send you a big

 

[jen_uk]

I think you are a fab mum Carol and whatever decision you make will be the right one and if that is Callum seeing his step mum then your ex will just have to get used to it!

 

[Lizzy Lemon]

Carol - what a lovely lady you are. I can't imagine what its like to deal with your ex's partner, but if she means a lot to Callum and you are happy about that situation follow your heart. Yes, you've got to think of 'R' but he sounds bitter and vindictive at the moment, probably still very raw, but above all else your sons feeling come first. Hugs on the way.