*Sigh* Family relationships are so complicated, aren't they? I empathize with your situation and agree with other posters that this vacation should be spent with you and your DH and filled with love and laughter, not tears and accusations.
I thought about Miss Manners when I read about your mother's behavior. It is Miss Manners, I believe, who has noted with some surprise and much disappointment that family members are often under the mistaken belief that it's acceptable to treat your family with less regard than you would treat a complete stranger, that your public face is not needed at home where you are free to "be yourself." She notes, however, that "being yourself" does not mean disregarding others' feelings/needs or behaving badly, and calls for us to treat our loved ones with the same courtesy we would treat anyone else.
It's strange, isn't it, that the reactions to behaviors we wouldn't condone in other people--the kind of behavior that would merit their elimination from our dance cards, so to speak--we don't apply to our families. We offer apologies and rationales for our family members' behaviors, all the while seeking approval from those who wield their love like a weapon. And the damage is does to us, and to our other relationships, is immeasurable. Although we're told that family relationships are integral to our development as loving, ethical individuals--and I believe they are--one of the effects of such cultural beliefs is that it makes it much harder to determine how to interact with family members who are (self)destructive. Do we maintain contact with these people and, if so, what kind of contact?
Obviously I, too, struggle with this question. It's a lifelong struggle. I have come to the understanding that I cannot change my parents' behavior toward me, my DH, or even to each other. And I admittedly find it difficult to change my behavior toward them when I'm in their physical presence; for some reason I return to my sulky 9 year-old self in their company. (Why, oh why, can I find this fountain of youth in other parts of my life???
) So my solution has been to limit my contact with them. I keep lines of communication open--mostly through emails and postcards, where the communication is one-directional, where I can walk away from the biting remarks and choose not to respond to them. It keeps me calmer, healthier, and less depressed, although I still experience the cultural guilt that goes along with this decision. Still, as you suggest in your post, sometimes you need to make such choices.
So, I whole-heartedly agree: Go to WDW with DH, enjoy your trip and possibly a new way of interacting with your mother. This trip can be a watershed moment and mark your "line in the sand," the limits to what you will accept from your mother. Going without her--and calmly stating why--makes it clear you aren't willing to jeopardize your trip or, more importantly your relationship with your DH and your own sense of self. You can send her postcards and buy her a memento, leaving the door open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I believe bringing her along would be detrimental. After all, you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect.
Good luck with your decisions. My thoughts are with you.
So that started another go around with her screaming at me saying You are definately not detective material, believe me I have worked with them for 25 years and you are really stupid. What! First of all I am not a detective. Then she started telling me how she is not feeling well and sat down and clutched her chest...no I am not kidding.
Hopefully she will learn.
