9 year old getting "mouthy"

[Disneynutbsv]

Ok, I have 9 year old boy/girl twins. My dd is in the stamping her foot, small tantrum stage. My ds is in the extremely mouthy stage. I can handle my dd but my ds is driving me crazy. I hear, "I hate you" or "you are stupid" or "leave me alone". And this is all over whether he can use the computer or heaven forbid...make him do his homework. Anyone else going through this? He makes me feel bad I send him to his room and try to tell him what is acceptable and what isn't and he just yells at me back. I really want to nip this in the bud before it gets much worse (from what my friends tell me their son is also talking the same way--same age kids).

 

[cotomom]

No great advice but I definitely feel for you!

Kids don't know how much it can sting! Hope all gets better soon!

 

[Poohgirl]

I'm listening...I have your son's twin!

 

[Disneynutbsv]

I'm listening...I have your son's twin!

lol

 

[ckay87]

Well, first I'd suggest that you find a way to put an end to it now. It's really not going to be cute when his 13 and the hormones kick in. And imagine when he's 16!

I kind of feel strongly about this because I have a 37 year old SIL who STILL talks to her mom this way. I also know how you feel because one of my cub scouts (I'm a leader) talks to ME this way. There have been meetings where I left feeling like crying.

I have no great suggestions for punishment, but I'll be you can come up with a lot. Give a lot - give allowances, priveleges, etc. because everything you can give you can also take away.

Maybe when the mouthiness starts, try to give him another chance by saying something like "can you think of a better way to say that to me" or "would you like to apologize for talking to me like that?"

I have a 9 year old boy too. He's been giving me LOTS of attitude about homework. I had a talk with him last night and gave him his warning.

Most of all, good luck. This is VERY difficult to deal with isn't it??

 

[anewvance]

My dd is 6 and is in the same stage. I'm getting alot of I hate you and you are the meanest mom lately... UGH! Not sure how to handle it myself.

 

[mickeyfan1]

Wo is the boss here, you or the kid? YOu need to do a bit more than send him to his room. If you were me, and I have a 28 year old son so been there, done that, you would start by taking away all the little niceties, video games, movies, tv times, etc. Then he has to earn them back. If he yells at you, he gets to sit where ever you are and either do his homework or read a school book. He is at the age where hormones are kicking in and it will only get worse if you let it. You need to reenforce what expectations you have and you need to reenforce the idea that there are consequences to his inappropriate behavior. But you also need to keep the communications open in case there is something else going on. Asking if there is a problem at school or with froends will likely get a "No, nothing is wrong, leave me alone" answer. Let hiom know he can talk to you about anything that is going on in his life and ask him to explain why "you are stupid" or "why I hate you". It is a day by day process and it isn't over fast. But you are the boss, and the rules in your home are to help him become a well rounded adult.

 

[Disneynutbsv]

Well, first I'd suggest that you find a way to put an end to it now. It's really not going to be cute when his 13 and the hormones kick in. And imagine when he's 16!

I kind of feel strongly about this because I have a 37 year old SIL who STILL talks to her mom this way. I also know how you feel because one of my cub scouts (I'm a leader) talks to ME this way. There have been meetings where I left feeling like crying.

I have no great suggestions for punishment, but I'll be you can come up with a lot. Give a lot - give allowances, priveleges, etc. because everything you can give you can also take away.

Maybe when the mouthiness starts, try to give him another chance by saying something like "can you think of a better way to say that to me" or "would you like to apologize for talking to me like that?"

I have a 9 year old boy too. He's been giving me LOTS of attitude about homework. I had a talk with him last night and gave him his warning.

Most of all, good luck. This is VERY difficult to deal with isn't it??

Thank you Ckay87, I appreciate it!!

 

[Disneynutbsv]

BTW, we have the same last name

My dd is 6 and is in the same stage. I'm getting alot of I hate you and you are the meanest mom lately... UGH! Not sure how to handle it myself.

 

[RUDisney]

You need a penalty box. I use an old cigar box because it has a latch on it. I sat down with my kids and we wrote different penalties on slips of paper and folded them up. I found that sending my DS to his room was losing its effectiveness.

The kids helped me to come up with penalties. The fact that they don't know what their punishment might be makes it worse for them... fear of the unknown.

Some of the penalties we have are "vacuum all 3 floors of the house," "clean up after dinner for a week," "go to bed at 8:00," "no computer for a week," "no playstation or gameboy for a week," and "no TV for the rest of the day." The last one really stinks if they get it at 8:30 on a Sunday morning.

To even things out, we also put in some mercy cards. There is a "if you are truly sorry, you can be forgiven," and a "pay $.50 to be forgiven." That money winds up in the church basket on Sunday morning.

This has been the one thing that has worked wonders for me. DD has only had to pull 2 penalties in 18-months. DS has pulled a bundle of them, but usually, if I tell him that he will have to pull a penalty because of his behavior, he straightens out and the issue is resolved without "penalty."

If you try this, I hope it works as well for you as it does for me.

 

[Disneynutbsv]

Wo is the boss here, you or the kid? YOu need to do a bit more than send him to his room. If you were me, and I have a 28 year old son so been there, done that, you would start by taking away all the little niceties, video games, movies, tv times, etc. Then he has to earn them back. If he yells at you, he gets to sit where ever you are and either do his homework or read a school book. He is at the age where hormones are kicking in and it will only get worse if you let it. You need to reenforce what expectations you have and you need to reenforce the idea that there are consequences to his inappropriate behavior. But you also need to keep the communications open in case there is something else going on. Asking if there is a problem at school or with froends will likely get a "No, nothing is wrong, leave me alone" answer. Let hiom know he can talk to you about anything that is going on in his life and ask him to explain why "you are stupid" or "why I hate you". It is a day by day process and it isn't over fast. But you are the boss, and the rules in your home are to help him become a well rounded adult.

Thanks for the help Marsha

 

[Disneynutbsv]

You need a penalty box. I use an old cigar box because it has a latch on it. I sat down with my kids and we wrote different penalties on slips of paper and folded them up. I found that sending my DS to his room was losing its effectiveness.

The kids helped me to come up with penalties. The fact that they don't know what their punishment might be makes it worse for them... fear of the unknown.

Some of the penalties we have are "vacuum all 3 floors of the house," "clean up after dinner for a week," "go to bed at 8:00," "no computer for a week," "no playstation or gameboy for a week," and "no TV for the rest of the day." The last one really stinks if they get it at 8:30 on a Sunday morning.

To even things out, we also put in some mercy cards. There is a "if you are truly sorry, you can be forgiven," and a "pay $.50 to be forgiven." That money winds up in the church basket on Sunday morning.

This has been the one thing that has worked wonders for me. DD has only had to pull 2 penalties in 18-months. DS has pulled a bundle of them, but usually, if I tell him that he will have to pull a penalty because of his behavior, he straightens out and the issue is resolved without "penalty."

If you try this, I hope it works as well for you as it does for me.

Great idea RUDisney!!

 

[MamaLema]

My oldest DS is 9 and he was a perfect angel till he started 4th grade this year. I feel he is under control, but I definately see a change in him like you're describing.

 

[chrissyk]

I don't know if it's any consolation, but I'm STILL hearing about what a bad year 8-9 was for me (from my mother). I have no recollection of this behavior, but apparently I was quite mouthy. Maybe it's not uncommon Since I'm over 30 now, it must have been a very bad year for my mother to still be stuck on it You have my sympathy!

 

[luvmydogs]

Two years ago when my ds was eight, we had to institute a Zero Tolerance policy for his mouthing off. He was getting waaaaaaaaaay too big for his britches, and like others have said, we knew we needed to stop this ASAP, or it would only get worse.

I sat him down one day when he was behaving just fine (I had checked with his teacher, too, to see if he was acting up in school. NO, just pushing our buttons at home. ). I told him that we would talk to him about anything... Have a gripe, son? Sure, we'll talk to you about it--as long as you remain respectful. Once you cross that line into a tone of disprespect, we will close our ears, and you will lose. We started small--groundings, no TV, etc., but then had to bring out the Big Guns. There are three things ds loves more than anything: playing outside with his friends, playing on his sports teams, and books. We weren't about to take away the books, so he was told that there would be no more warnings when he mouthed off or was disrespectful (his snarky attitude had gotten that bad), and he'd lose his playtime or next sports game. Then we made it stick--without a raised voice from us--he threw major fits, but we kept calm. Yes, he sat inside while his friends played outside a few times, and once he sat in the bleachers while his teammmates played baseball without him (with a stern talk from his coach), but within two weeks, he started thinking before speaking and was *much nicer* to be around. It may have been harsh, but I know I don't want to deal with this as he gets older. I realize he'll still have his moments (they all do), but he now knows that although we love him more than our lives themselves, we mean business when it comes to being respectful of us, our home and our rules.

Please know you're not alone, Mom!

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

My oldest DS is 9 and he was a perfect angel till he started 4th grade this year. I feel he is under control, but I definately see a change in him like you're describing.

Ok, so I'm not alone...that is a good thing? My DD9 suddenly became all the things described here. She has never been a stomping foot, yelling type of child, but she threw one heck of a tantrum at AK last week. She kept yelling that her step-father was making her angry and telling him to shut up. All he did was suggest she call her dad, since my disciplining her is what started the tantrum. He ended up making the call so her Dad could help enforce my discipline. Her punishment is not getting to go back to WDW with us next time. Yikes! I do not want to see what happens as the hormones go into full steam I stopped sending her to her room this year because her new thing is running to her room, slamming the door and locking it while screaming. She's been warned that next time the door is coming off the hinges. I had not spanked her in a long time, but she got smacked on the rump at AK. I like the OP's box idea. I'm going to try that. I refuse to let the child be the end of me

 

[Sandy V.]

The only thing I have to add is to make sure your children see and hear from BOTH PARENTS that this is unacceptable behavior and won't be tolerated in the slightest toward anyone.

Kids tend to back down and get in line much more quickly when they realize they can't play one parent off the other or they can't get away with being disrepectful toward one parent without dealing with the "wrath" of the other parent when they do.

Good luck - they DO push and push!!

 

[luvmydogs]

The only thing I have to add is to make sure your children see and hear from BOTH PARENTS that this is unacceptable behavior and won't be tolerated in the slightest toward anyone.

Kids tend to back down and get in line much more quickly when they realize they can't play one parent off the other or they can't get away with being disrepectful toward one parent without dealing with the "wrath" of the other parent when they do.

Good luck - they DO push and push!!

This is really, really good advice.

 

[dismom9761]

My oldest has been very easy for a long time.Last friday he turned 10 and it is like his whole personality is changing.He hasn't had an attitude with me but toward his 9 yr old brother he has been horrible.And he even invited his girlfriend to church last night.
My dd6 is famous for her breakdowns.She is known as the drama queen.

 

[disneymom3]

I agree with the zero tolerance policy. We had to institute it for eye rolling earlier this year and it worked wonders. DD was really developing this attitude from you know where and no way did I want my sweet girl turning into one of "those" kids. She is 9 too, btw. Must be the age. Anyway, her big thing is playing the piano. It is truly her life! So, she got piano taken away for two days. She was only allowed to play her pieces for her lessons and nothing else. May not sound like a lot, but to her it was torture! I would sit in the room with her and watch over her shoulder while she did her practice and then cut her off. This kid usually plays for 2 or 3 hours a day so this was big!

I had a talk with her about being disrespectful--the eye rolling was just a visual symptom of a larger problem. Told her there would be severe consequences but not what they would be. For one thing she is a control freak and taking away the power of knowing what she would be risking is a good technique with her and for another, I didn't want her to decide that the loss was worth it. So, we did piano once and another time she lost being able to spend the night at a friend's house. That was it and I have to say her attitude has improved drastically since then.

Crack down hard and be consistent and it will get better. Good luck and good for you not letting this continue. The fact that you are concerned and wanting to correct it shows you are going to be able to work it out. Now, my SIL, will just say, "He is soo rude. but what are you going to do? You can't control what they say." Wanna bet?