7 months pregnant and husband having an affair...what now?

[Tiger926]

I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.

People can be very selfish, especially people we love. As I said, your husband is in a different place in life, and it is not the same place that you are in, and thank goodness for that, as you have a baby on the way.

I imagine it must be very hard to come to grips with this harsh reality, especially at this time of your life, but you seem to be a very strong woman, who has supports in place, so although it may be hard, you need to get your ducks in a row so as to protect you and your baby.

None of us can make this decision for you, nor can your parents...it is up to you now to take care of yourself and your baby, so best of luck in determining what the best course of action is for you both.

Yep. Not too mention the fact her H is "with' an unstable 19yo & he is a father to be who is mad at OP for getting pregnant.

I would consider both people at this time to be a danger to my child.

OP your head is telling you to get the heck away from them and your heart wants you to stay because if you leave you it will "make it real".

This is exactly what I said above. Hubby and the girl are unstable, and I would absolutely consider them both to be an issue for both OP and her baby.

I can only imagine what a hard decision this is to make when heart and brain seem to be at odds with each other.

Tiger

 

[N&B'smom]

I'm so sorry OP. Sounds like you have been getting some very good advice! :group hug:

Next time, tell him he can pack his own bag!

 

[mjkacmom]

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.
.

Your baby will give you the strength.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.

HUGS...and you will find the strength. It isn't easy, I know this from experience. But there is a happily ever after.

My ex cheated on me, more then once, I was young and stupid and forgave him. He did this before we were married, and I wish I had been smart enough to leave then. But I didn't. He cheated again when I was pregnant with my first DS (who is now 28). I stayed cause I was pregnant, and didn't tell my parents (stupid inexperineced me). I found out he was cheating again when DS was 3 months old, and I was going to leave then but found out stupid me was pregnant again. For some reason I felt I owed it to the kids and he begged me to stay and how much he loved me, yada yada yada..so I stayed. Well it happened yet again, and when our second DS was 6 months old, and my other DS was 18 months old and I was all of 24 years old I said enough. I left, moved back with my parents, got an attorney, and went back to college and rebuilt a life around my boys. Once the divorce was final I never heard from ex again. He never paid a cent of the child support or bothered to see his sons. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. I don't regret my DS's and never would and would do it all over again to have them.

Today I am remarried, with two more children and I can't complain too much...at least right now. LOL. It will get better for you, and I know for a fact my boys were much much better without that piece of garbage in their lives.

You are strong enough to do this. You have a career (somehting I didn't have back then), you have resources and loving family. Do what is best for you and your child. Talk to the attorney, tell your parents, and get as far AWAY from your husband and his wacko life as you can. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself. If he winds up changing later on, you can go with the flow, but you have to protect yourselves now. You are strong enough to do it. HUGS!

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.

Leaving your husband is going to be a difficult thing. I know a couple of people who left their spouse thought of it in baby steps. One said that she was going on a small vacation/timeout to see her parents. She could always come back and workout her relationship if it was meant to happen. She then put her energy in healing and moving forward with her life. Maybe you can think of this in small steps as well. Just take one step at a time so you and your baby can be in a better place with people who truly love you. I guess think of it as going to see your parents for a little while.

 

[RadioNate]

I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.

I packed up and moved 1000 miles back home. To be honest I couldn't imagine staying. It may get easier to think about moving. You need the support but you don't have to move, at least not immediately if you don't want to. I know citizenship is a pressing concern but take that 1 day at a time. All you have to do is get though the next hour, the next day...it gets easier. I promise.

Please look at surviving infidelity. It'll help. I jumped straight into Separation/Divorce because I knew that reconciliation was not an option (mostly because HE didn't want it, total exit affair.)

I'm 1 year past divorce, nearly 2 years since discovery and almost to 3 years from when I knew there was a BIG issue.

I can 100% say that MY life is better. I am happy.
I can also say with certainty that HE is not happy. His life is not better. The girlfriend left him ages ago. She reconciled with her husband. Had a baby. Everyone says he is miserable. He even told me that himself. Now I feel nothing but pity for him. We had a good life, sure there were areas to work on but it was good. Now MINE is better and his isn't.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

HUGS...and you will find the strength. It isn't easy, I know this from experience. But there is a happily ever after.

My ex cheated on me, more then once, I was young and stupid and forgave him. He did this before we were married, and I wish I had been smart enough to leave then. But I didn't. He cheated again when I was pregnant with my first DS (who is now 28). I stayed cause I was pregnant, and didn't tell my parents (stupid inexperineced me). I found out he was cheating again when DS was 3 months old, and I was going to leave then but found out stupid me was pregnant again. For some reason I felt I owed it to the kids and he begged me to stay and how much he loved me, yada yada yada..so I stayed. Well it happened yet again, and when our second DS was 6 months old, and my other DS was 18 months old and I was all of 24 years old I said enough. I left, moved back with my parents, got an attorney, and went back to college and rebuilt a life around my boys. Once the divorce was final I never heard from ex again. He never paid a cent of the child support or bothered to see his sons. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. I don't regret my DS's and never would and would do it all over again to have them.

Today I am remarried, with two more children and I can't complain too much...at least right now. LOL. It will get better for you, and I know for a fact my boys were much much better without that piece of garbage in their lives.

You are strong enough to do this. You have a career (somehting I didn't have back then), you have resources and loving family. Do what is best for you and your child. Talk to the attorney, tell your parents, and get as far AWAY from your husband and his wacko life as you can. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself. If he winds up changing later on, you can go with the flow, but you have to protect yourselves now. You are strong enough to do it. HUGS!

I know a girl who needs to read this right about now. She had dated her bf for 8 years and they were to be married, just yesterday. The wedding was called off last week because she found out that he had recently cheated, again. She was smart to walk away. She could have gone through some of the heart break of what you have posted here.

I honestly believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I also believe if someone truly loved you they would never hurt you in any way, shape or form. Hurtful words, lying, cheating and and all of those things are not anything that someone who really loves you would do to you. I also believe that people don't change. You may think that things will get better, or you can say or do something to change them but the sad reality is that people like this do not change.

OP, as hard as this is a life time of this would be much worse. I see where you plan to call your parents tomorrow and I think that after you do you will see what we are all saying, not that you don't already. Telling them may be hard for you to do but just know that they love you and your baby no matter what and they will be there for you when no one else will.

 

[punkin]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Leaving is always hard I think. I only suspected my ex was cheating. What made me leave him was he hit me and used to break things and generally made my life hell. Even after I left I used to cry myself to sleep because I still loved him. I just knew that he was hurting me and I had to love myself more. Once you are in love and married and intimate there is a connection formed that is even stronger than common sense or self preservation. I can tell you 100% that leaving will hurt at first but after a while it doesn't hurt as much and then a little while after that it doesn't hurt at all and you wonder why you ever put up with his crap in the first place. You have to love yourself and your baby more than you love him and do the right thing for both of you. My thoughts about leaving him is that he showed you who is is. He showed by his callous actions he doesn't respect you and he doesn't value you. Like another posted said had he just cheated and felt sorry there may have been some hope for him and your marriage (with counselling and honest work). Because he allowed his bimbo to harrass and disrespect his wife and mother of his child he showed himself as someone who will never treat you right. It will be hard and it's hard for anyone. It's closing the door on the life you envisioned having and realizing it's never going to happen. I'm here to tell you that there is an even better life than that one. An even better future. When you allow yourself to settle for less than what you deserve because you're lonely and don't want to be alone you will never be fulfilled and never truly happy. I'm a true believer that whenever one door closes another opens. We don't know what the future has in store for you but you sound like you have your stuff together so I'm guessing the future will be bright.

Oh Yes...if someone shows you and tells you exactly who he is, you should believe him.

 

[MrsPete]

Why do you say that? In my experience, doctors know very little about insurance. They typically leave that to their staff.

The doctor knows who on his staff takes care of insurance. He can get her an absolute, correct answer for her specific insurance. He is the right starting point.

All I can say is wow!...Maybe she should let the crazy teenage girlfriend come in to the delivery room too? Afterall she may very well be the baby's new step-mom.

And no one ever had a better childhood due to parents who are in a really dysfuntional place staying together just for the sake of the children.

I just read through this whole long thread as I'm at home with a sinus cold today, and your advice here greatly concerns me.

The OP is dealing with an unstable husband who is dating an unstable girl. Nothing good will come of that, if she gets in the middle of it, and she does not need to in her current condition.

She absolutely should not call the girl's parents - how would running off to tattle solve anything?

And she should absolutely consult a lawyer, and not just for advice either. She needs to protect herself and that unborn baby, who did not asked to be born into this mess.

The OP is clearly in a difficult situation, put there by an unstable and unselfish husband.

As a Canadian, I would say that her having dual citizenship would be great as she can move here with her parents, and access our Canadian healthcare system. She would have to consult regarding the timeline, so she can make sure that she and the baby would be covered (not sure if there is a mimimum time involved here?).

There has been some very good advice and tips on here, but I honestly have to say, that most of your advice could actually be very harmful to her - especially going to the parents and trying to reconcil with a man who clearly does not love her nor their unborn child.

Good luck OP. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Tiger

Did you two read that I suggested that at the very least she get a restraining order against the girl? "Tattling" to her parents will give the OP another layer of protection against this girl because if her parents are aware of what's going on -- and if they're reasonable people -- they're going to encourage her to stay away from a man who is very wrong for her, perhaps even bring her back home where they can keep a better eye on her. The OP has nothing to lose by "tattling", and she might do herself some good.

Note that we don't know what kind of relationship the OP and her husband had prior to these problems. Clearly they had something good at some point, or she wouldn't have married him. Were they dysfunctional before this crisis? She doesn't indicate that they had any problems prior to the pregnancy, which leads me to suspect things were okay. We don't hear stories about things that led up to this crisis -- he seems to have just fallen off the deep end around the time the OP got pregnant. He wouldn't be the first man to freak out at the thought of surprise parenthood, then come around later. Note that he's chosen to have an affair with a child. I strongly suspect that what draws him to her is that she's young and carefree -- things he no longer is, now that he's about to be a father.

IF everything was good before, the best thing she can do is to give this the best try she can -- for the good of the child. If he doesn't rise to the occasion, if he prefers to continue down this path, fine -- that's his choice. If that's his choice, kick him to the curb. But it won't do her any good to wonder, in future years, "What if I'd tried to remind him of our good times? Could I have saved the marriage?"

On the other hand, if the OP comes back and says, "Well, we had all these problems for years and years, and this may not've been the first time he cheated . . . but I didn't mention them in this post," then I'd change my opinion and say it's time to give up on him. But at this point, you and I don't have any information of that type.

She will always be connected to this man -- for better or for worse. They have a child together. It's in her best interest, IF POSSIBLE, to forgive, reconnect, and move on together. If he won't do that, then she may end up divorced. But divorce should be a last resort, a choice entered into after exhausting every other option -- not a knee-jerk reaction.

It's amazing how someone can hurt you so much, and you can be so angry with them for the way they've behaved, and yet you still love them.

Yep, I understand that perfectly. My father did numerous things that made my childhood miserable, and it ended in him abandoning us. He's been dead more than two decades now, but I do still love him. Doesn't make a bit of sense.

 

[Tiger926]

Did you two read that I suggested that at the very least she get a restraining order against the girl? "Tattling" to her parents will give the OP another layer of protection against this girl because if her parents are aware of what's going on -- and if they're reasonable people -- they're going to encourage her to stay away from a man who is very wrong for her, perhaps even bring her back home where they can keep a better eye on her. The OP has nothing to lose by "tattling", and she might do herself some good.

Note that we don't know what kind of relationship the OP and her husband had prior to these problems. Clearly they had something good at some point, or she wouldn't have married him. Were they dysfunctional before this crisis? She doesn't indicate that they had any problems prior to the pregnancy, which leads me to suspect things were okay. We don't hear stories about things that led up to this crisis -- he seems to have just fallen off the deep end around the time the OP got pregnant. He wouldn't be the first man to freak out at the thought of surprise parenthood, then come around later. Note that he's chosen to have an affair with a child. I strongly suspect that what draws him to her is that she's young and carefree -- things he no longer is, now that he's about to be a father.

IF everything was good before, the best thing she can do is to give this the best try she can -- for the good of the child. If he doesn't rise to the occasion, if he prefers to continue down this path, fine -- that's his choice. If that's his choice, kick him to the curb. But it won't do her any good to wonder, in future years, "What if I'd tried to remind him of our good times? Could I have saved the marriage?"

On the other hand, if the OP comes back and says, "Well, we had all these problems for years and years, and this may not've been the first time he cheated . . . but I didn't mention them in this post," then I'd change my opinion and say it's time to give up on him. But at this point, you and I don't have any information of that type.

She will always be connected to this man -- for better or for worse. They have a child together. It's in her best interest, IF POSSIBLE, to forgive, reconnect, and move on together. If he won't do that, then she may end up divorced. But divorce should be a last resort, a choice entered into after exhausting every other option -- not a knee-jerk reaction.Yep, I understand that perfectly. My father did numerous things that made my childhood miserable, and it ended in him abandoning us. He's been dead more than two decades now, but I do still love him. Doesn't make a bit of sense.

Of course I read your entire post, or else I wouldn't have responded.

I think you are making assumptions here - just because she didn't mention problems before, does not mean there weren't any.

Also, all kinds of people marry for the wrong reasons, to the wrong person at the wrong time in their lives. He could have been a jerk before and she accepted it. We have no idea what their courtship entailed, nor do we know much about their marriage, so let's take a look at his actions right now, at this critical stage in OP's life.

Hubby clearly is at another stage in his life - he has chosen a teenager to be with. He has left his wife and unborn child to be with a teenager. He is more than likely hanging around the house to keep an eye on his stuff, and to keep an eye on OP.

He does not seem at all interested in the emotional nor physical wellbeing of his wife and unborn child. Clearly his girlfriend is unstable, yet he is believing her over his wife. At this point, that should be enough. He is showing who he really is at a critical and crucial time, so why not believe him?

And I absolutely disagree that telling the girlfriends' parents is the right thing to do. Oh my goodness! That is nothing that she needs to get involved in. Her first priority is for herself and her baby, and so telling the parents should not even be a concern for her.

I really feel for the OP, and as I have stated over and over, none of us can make the decision for her, nor truly know how she feels. You are approaching this from a child's perspective in regards to what your dad did to you and your mom, and I really don't think that is helpful to the OP at this point. Her situation is different.

There has been so much advice and support on this thread, and all of us are approaching our words from varied perspectives and places, and I will agree that we can only base it on what OP has provided to us in this thread.

But for me, what she has provided has been enough to see that her hubby seems a little more than scared of having a new baby. He does not want the baby, nor does he want to be married to OP, and his actions are clearly showing that they don't seem to be of concern to him any longer. Sure he says he can't really get divorced, but that is more than likely because it will cost money or make him look bad. Nothing of what OP told us showed that he is concerned about her and the baby. He clearly stated that OP and the baby make him unhappy and the girlfriend makes him happy. Why stay with a man who is telling you that he does not want to be there? If OP decides to stay, how long does she wait for him to snap out of it and rise to the occasion?

In my opinion, the occasion is now, and he has failed....

I am so sorry OP is going through this horrible situation at this time in her life.

Tiger

 

[mrsklamc]

Restraining orders are pretty much useless. There is no reason to add drama to the situation and possibly make people hostile to the OP by telling the parents.

 

[zurgswife]

I've been following your thread and I wish you luck and prayers. I think you have gotten some solid advice and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

 

[I Love Pluto]

Go visit your parents in Canada. Tell them everything. Hopefully, they will give some advice and aid, which can help you. Don't attack this problem alone. You need to lean on some family to help you through. Alone at this time is really tough.

Good luck to you. No one deserves what you are going through. I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation.

 

[lizabu]

Of course I read your entire post, or else I wouldn't have responded.

I think you are making assumptions here - just because she didn't mention problems before, does not mean there weren't any.

Also, all kinds of people marry for the wrong reasons, to the wrong person at the wrong time in their lives. He could have been a jerk before and she accepted it. We have no idea what their courtship entailed, nor do we know much about their marriage, so let's take a look at his actions right now, at this critical stage in OP's life.

Hubby clearly is at another stage in his life - he has chosen a teenager to be with. He has left his wife and unborn child to be with a teenager. He is more than likely hanging around the house to keep an eye on his stuff, and to keep an eye on OP.

He does not seem at all interested in the emotional nor physical wellbeing of his wife and unborn child. Clearly his girlfriend is unstable, yet he is believing her over his wife. At this point, that should be enough. He is showing who he really is at a critical and crucial time, so why not believe him?

And I absolutely disagree that telling the girlfriends' parents is the right thing to do. Oh my goodness! That is nothing that she needs to get involved in. Her first priority is for herself and her baby, and so telling the parents should not even be a concern for her.

I really feel for the OP, and as I have stated over and over, none of us can make the decision for her, nor truly know how she feels. You are approaching this from a child's perspective in regards to what your dad did to you and your mom, and I really don't think that is helpful to the OP at this point. Her situation is different.

There has been so much advice and support on this thread, and all of us are approaching our words from varied perspectives and places, and I will agree that we can only base it on what OP has provided to us in this thread.

But for me, what she has provided has been enough to see that her hubby seems a little more than scared of having a new baby. He does not want the baby, nor does he want to be married to OP, and his actions are clearly showing that they don't seem to be of concern to him any longer. Sure he says he can't really get divorced, but that is more than likely because it will cost money or make him look bad. Nothing of what OP told us showed that he is concerned about her and the baby. He clearly stated that OP and the baby make him unhappy and the girlfriend makes him happy. Why stay with a man who is telling you that he does not want to be there? If OP decides to stay, how long does she wait for him to snap out of it and rise to the occasion?

In my opinion, the occasion is now, and he has failed....

I am so sorry OP is going through this horrible situation at this time in her life.

Tiger

ITA. What on earth would the parents of a 19 y/o woman be expected to do if someone tattled on her anyway? Ground her? I'm sorry but it's a ridiculous suggestion. The suggestion to stay with a man who doesn't love her or resepect her and doesn't want the baby that she is already 7 months pregnant with is ridiculous too. It's not like they just found out shes pregnant and he's dealing with the shock of the news. She's 7 months along. It takes a special type of person to be that cold. And she's supposed to just make it work for the sake of the child? Sick.

 

[DVCJones]

I just thought of something. The OP had health insurance now. Wouldn't she be covered by it even if she went to Canada?

 

[Imzadi]

I don't really have much new to add, but I haven't told anyone else yet (talk to the parents tomorrow after they get back from vacation) so you guys are my only outlet.

For the poster who asked, I was born in Canada and lived there until I was 21. So I would assume my baby would be eligible for Canadian citizenship, even if he were born in the US. I'll add that to my list of things to look into though. I did some googling last night and as far as I can tell, the area my parents live in requires 90 days residency in order to qualify for the free healthcare. I need to investigate further to see if there are times that can be waived, and, if not, what healthcare would cost me there for a few months versus here.

DH is still in the guest room. I spoke to him once yesterday to mention that this girl was still texting me - he said that he had asked her to stop, and that she says she's not texting me, that if I'm getting texts someone must have hacked into her phone and sent them pretending to be her. That is so ridiculous I don't have a response for it. I asked if he actually believed her and he said no, but he told her he did believe her because he didn't want to fight with her. He did say he was sorry she was doing it, and offered to download a program to block the messages, but I declined. I don't believe for a second he's sorry she's doing it, and I still can't believe he could want to be with someone so horrible.

My appointment with the attorney is tomorrow - I'm going alone but I'll take a notepad with questions I want to ask and I'll be sure to take lots of notes. My Dr appointment is also tomorrow, so I'll be able to find out if I can fly and see if the baby is coping OK in there given how stressed I am. He's wiggling away like crazy, so I assume he's fine, but it would make me feel better just to check.

I know some people have said not to make any rash decisions, and I am trying to think clearly, but I'm worried if I start thinking about this too much, I'll end up wanting to forgive him and try again. As it is I'm wondering where I'm going to get the strength to actually leave if it turns out that is an option. It's amazing how someone can hurt you so much, and you can be so angry with them for the way they've behaved, and yet you still love them.

Thank you guys all so much for all the advice and support you've given me so far - it really has kept me focused and kept me going the last couple of days. I'll be sure to update tomorrow with reports from the Dr and attorney as to what my next steps should be.

The reason many of us bring up the baby's citizenship is mainly to see if that would block or cause problems in your DH trying to get custody of your baby. The more road blocks you put in his way, the less he (and your MIL,) may be willing to legally or financially fight you over your baby out of spite.


Another question to bring up to your lawyer, just so you get clear facts in on the matter of the house, especially if DH does not sell for years. I knew someone who left the house they both jointly owned. Both names were on the deed. Several years later, when the DH was finally ready to sell the house, he tried to pull this stunt and claim that his DW not only abandoned the marriage, but abandoned the house and she no longer had claims to it. So all the money and ownership should go to him.

After her lawyer peeled himself up off the floor, laughing so hard, he informed her that one can't "abandon" real estate property. It's not like leaving a possession at the side of the road.

For example: DH and the girlfriend may up and decide to move to Acapulco, leaving the house and everything behind, to chase the high life. Even if you haven't lived there for years, the city and banks will go after YOU for any taxes & mortgage owed on the house & property if you are named on the deed. Again, one can't "abandon" real estate property. But, you should bring this up with the lawyer to hear it from him.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

ITA. What on earth would the parents of a 19 y/o woman be expected to do if someone tattled on her anyway? Ground her? I'm sorry but it's a ridiculous suggestion. The suggestion to stay with a man who doesn't love her or resepect her and doesn't want the baby that she is already 7 months pregnant with is ridiculous too. It's not like they just found out shes pregnant and he's dealing with the shock of the news. She's 7 months along. It takes a special type of person to be that cold. And she's supposed to just make it work for the sake of the child? Sick.

OK, I have a 19 year old DD and if someone came to me and told me that she was dating a 29 year old man who was married and had a baby due in a few months I would be livid with my DD. I would also tell her that if he would do this to his wife, then he would also do it to you. I would do everything I could to show that this is wrong on so many levels and I would not approve of it.

Even if that girl did back out of the relationship, and for some reason the guy did come back into the picture, he has already shown who he is and it's not pretty. There is no way in hell I would take him back. EVER! I would never be able to trust him again.

 

[abdmom]

I just thought of something. The OP had health insurance now. Wouldn't she be covered by it even if she went to Canada?

Depends on the health insurance.

There are private insurers in Canada. OP, you can check out Blue Cross.

With regards to the Canadian citizenship for the baby: If the baby is born in Canada or the U.S., it will have Canadian citizenship. Doesn't matter. It does matter for the baby's future children. If the baby is born in the U.S., the baby's children will only have Canadian citizenship if they are born in Canada. If both the baby and his future children are born outside Canada, the future children will not have citizenship automatically.

 

[Buckalew11]

OK, I have a 19 year old DD and if someone came to me and told me that she was dating a 29 year old man who was married and had a baby due in a few months I would be livid with my DD. I would also tell her that if he would do this to his wife, then he would also do it to you. I would do everything I could to show that this is wrong on so many levels and I would not approve of it.

Even if that girl did back out of the relationship, and for some reason the guy did come back into the picture, he has already shown who he is and it's not pretty. There is no way in hell I would take him back. EVER! I would never be able to trust him again.

You would and I would but I can promise you that not all moms would be upset. I would not believe it if I had not experienced it for myself.

 

[lisaviolet]

I just wanted to clarify - it's not that I want to stay and forgive him, or that I think I will. I know in my heart leaving him is my only option - not only does he not want to work things out, but after the things he's said and done, I just don't see how I could trust him again.

I just wonder where I'll get the strength from to leave, I mean to actually pack up my life here and move thousands of miles back home. It seems terrifying right now. That's why I'm trying not to think about this too much - I want to make decisions based on my head, not my heart. If I deal with the practical elements of leaving, I don't have to think too much about the emotional aspects of it.

When I first found out about the affair, I asked DH (BTW the D stands for something very different right now...) how he could do this. His response was that he was just trying to make himself happy - the more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. His quest for happiness has come at the expense of so many other peoples. I don't understand how someone can be that selfish.

I've read since you originally posted and figured you've had enough voices to support you through this horrendous time. But regardless felt so sad.

Tonight I felt I needed to share a few thoughts with you - I'm hoping some might help you through this awful time.

I'm so incredibly sorry for that you're going through.

Your husband is a totally different animal from someone who makes a horrendous mistake and has an affair (yes I know many here feel that affairs are way more than a mistake.)

Your husband. Sighing. He's shown his character. And it's not redeeming in any way. Way beyond an affair. Way beyond. And don't blame yourself for loving him for one moment. I've heard many times that this type of person can be the most charming and can fool with ease.

So I guess I wanted you to know as an outsider - although I am so incredibly saddened to the amount of pain you are suffering - I am also feeling something else:

I'm feeling that you're lucky and blessed and it's impossible for you to see that through all - of course it is - you love him and are in pain.

But years from now - maybe even a shorter time period - you'll realize how lucky you were to see his full colours before life went too far with marriage and trust and other children. Can you imagine what if you never found out and you gave years to him? You're young. You're bright. You'll have a child that will not have to grow up on a regular basis with a man that I'm just going to say it - and this has nothing to do with cheating at all - would probably have been an absolutely awful father - an awful man to mirror or look to. Yes people can change but I suspect he never would or could.

So smile for your baby. Your baby won't know the loss because it will simply be their life. But you'll always know the gain of that man not fathering your child on a regular basis. I know that sounds harsh - and I'm a person who sees good in human beings and hope and believes that fathers are greatly underestimated in a child's life. But I believe it's true in your case - your baby is blessed to be out this soon.

And I believe you are as well. I know - hard through the shock and pain.

You know what I love on the DIS. There are many people that seem to have really beautiful second marriages - second chapters in their lives - after being incredibly hurt. Wink at you.

All the best to you in whatever you choose. And please know that despite my thoughts I can only imagine what pain you're going through - please see yourself as the mother already (as you are and do!) and do whatever you need to protect your child. I find myself worried for a stranger on the DIS - so please take care of yourself with your decisions. I bet your parents will be on the next flight or will get you to get on the next flight (if the doctor says it's okay) - either way I pray you're surrounded by your loved ones ASAP.

Lisa