6th grade DD forged note to skip gym yesterday,punishment ?

[barkley]

i think i'm in the minority here. while i sympathize with the girl's problem (i too was an overweight throughout my childhood-until i hit college) i see the issue as being the child both forged a note and then lied to the teacher when questioned about it. that is very serious in my opinion. in my experience this is NOT something kids "just do". it is a rather complex thought process that goes in deciding to deal with a problem in this manner (most girls would feign illness and try to get sent to the nurse or be allowed to sit out on the bench).

it sounds to me like the girl is more upset that she got caught than anything.

while the teasing may/may not need to be addressed at the school (unless it's hostile, bullying or harassment they will likely counsel the girl to avoid the boy and understand that teasing does occur), my concern would be to address what the girl had done.

i would take the girl personaly for a face to face with the teacher to confess and be supportive in whatever punishment the school enacts.

it may not seem like a big thing-but in reality what has occured is identity theft and forgery. i would want to question my child to make sure this is the first time she has ever done this and discuss with her the seriousness of the action.

having delt with forged documents and the persons who forged them (some children) i learned that the first time is the hardest/scariest-subsequent times become easier. many kids who have done it repeatedly will report that they did'nt get into "much trouble" for it the first time or two-so they continued to occasionaly do it figuring they would'nt get caught every time so it balanced out the risk.

best wishes to the op and her dd.

 

[Snoopymom]

Call me a softy, but I think the letter is enough, especially when she's on the honor roll. I did this when I was her age...I thought every girl must have at least once, but from the responses, I guess I'm wrong. The whole thing is humiliating enough, and I'd bet that she won't do it again.

Give her a hug, talk to her, talk to the teacher, maybe her outfit is too tight, maybe she'd feel better with a more supportive bra, you never know what might help and what kids are too embarrassed to ask for or talk about. Ask her about the boy, maybe he's scrawny and insecure...

Just support her, let her know you understand! I didn't get that from my mom, and it still hurts.

Hugs!

 

[shortbun]

Well, I didn't even have to read your post to know exactly why she wrote a note to get out of gym class. I drive a middle school bus and they HAVE to be the meanest age group in life. I think consequences are a good idea but mine would have been: no TV because we are going to start excersizing together at normal TV time and yes the CD Player goes EXCEPT when you are walking or using it for rhythm for a workout. I'd say, "I LOVE you darlin' and let's make that mean boy eat his words and instead find that you are beautiful inside and out." I would maybe not have written the note to the gym teacher without delivering it myself in a meeting to discuss the behavior of the boy and asking that bullying be outlawed. Also, that teacher should NEVER single out your daughter or discuss this around any other children with her or your daughter will be teased worse. Gym teachers(there are exceptions) tend to be militant and noisy, not knowing appropriate times to be 'helpful.' Good luck.

 

[experiment626mom]

The punishment fits the crime. I wouldn't go to the school. I would let her know that all people come in every shape and size and not to let anyone tell her that she's not beautiful and worthy. Make sure she is happy with her body image. My guess is that she will grow out of the chubbiness.

 

[cats7494]

I have to agree, I went through school being teased about all kinds of things (skin color, size of my butt, etc.). This is part of growing up. The best thing to do is to address the self esteem issues at home. She will only get teased worse if her mommy goes to the teacher.

I am sorry - but I completely disagree with this. Just because it is a normal part of growing up - does not mean it is acceptable. Not all kids tease other kids and the ones who do tease need to be reprimanded!
If the teacher handles it correctly - she will not necessarily get teased more. The kids who are teasing will have no way of knowing that her mom talked with the teacher. The teacher will just simply get on the teasers any time they tease anyone - it will raise the level of alertness for the teacher...who will be more likely be looking for this kind of behavior.
Once again - just because it is "a normal part of growing up" does not mean it has to be put up with!

 

[bigsis1970]

Oh i should have told you that i said i would go to school and she was like NO WAY - so I am waiting for a call back from the gym teacher to discuss it. She only has gym Monday's and Thursday's so I will make sure the teacher doesn't single her out in any way during class and hopefully it will make him aware that while it wasn't a boy in his class it is happening with a boy in one of the others sharing the gym at the same time as my DD's class.

added -- we are very cautious of teasing because we know how it feels, but both my kids know that others do it and i explain that they do to make themselves feel better and to not let it bother them cause we are good people and that is what matters. Then i pass out hugs and wipe tears.

 

[Laurajean1014]

I think you did a good job, but....

Because someone teases you or acts in a manner you do not like, does not give anyone the right to forge and escape from the situation. She should not have done what she did. She needs to know that her actions were wrong and dishonest and that she hurt your trust in her the way the boy hurt her.

There is no excuse for your daughter to try to ditch class/gym.

She needs to be shown how to handle bad situations, not escape them. The boy, if this persists, will only do it again tomorrow or next week.

Kids can be very mean, but that is not a valid excuse to excuse her actions.

I'm sure this boy isn't perfect either and if she feels she cannot approach him and ask him to stop, then she should approach a teacher or counselor to document the boys actions and have them make him stop.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Call me a softy, but I think the letter is enough, especially when she's on the honor roll. I did this when I was her age...I thought every girl must have at least once, but from the responses, I guess I'm wrong. The whole thing is humiliating enough, and I'd bet that she won't do it again.

I wrote a note at least once and it wasn't to get out of gym. I've even turned into a fairly decent, ethical adult.

 

[bigsis1970]

She is being punished for writing the note (losing TV and her portable DVD player) do you mean something else should be done as well ?

 

[Shugardrawers]

I don't really have any advice for you but I do want to say this:
As a child I was overweight and clumsy and HORRIBLE at sports. Gym class was absolute torture for me. I did many things to avoid it including writing many notes and feigning illness and injury numerous times. I knew then and know now still that it was wrong and dishonest but the pain of the teasing was unbearable to me. This was also in the late 70's when childhood bullying and teasing was just considered part of life. I was told to suck it up and deal. Children now have rights that we didn't have then. I was only saved when my grandparents (whom I lived with at the time and who were very conservatively religous) learned it was a coed class and didn't approve it. Grandpa wrote a letter and I was excused from class. The following year I "blossomed" into a size DD bra (this was before the advent of sport bras in that size) and was permanently excused for "medical reasons" with a note from our family doctor.

Please don't be too hard on your DD. Yes, she needs to know what she did was wrong and there should be consequences for it but let her know you understand and are on her side and will do whatever is in your power to make the situation better.

 

[barkley]

nothing against the op's daughter-but in general just because a kid is on the honor roll does not mean their inappropriate behaviour should be given any less regard/dealt with any less seriously than a non honor roll kid. as a teacher i saw honor roll kids get away with far too much-stuff that a non honor roll kid would have gotten swift school punishment for (actualy-it was more often the "gifted and talented" kids vs. those not in the program). several of these kids went on to believe they were above normal behavioural standards and had very squewed moral and ethical standards. as a student in junior high i saw an entire group of honor roll students engage in well planned and executed plot that involved forged notes, skipping school and an alcohol fueled "day off"-the school was actualy going to go light on them ("they've never been in major trouble before-maybe their studies caused them the need to blow off some steam") until ONE of the parents stepped in and used his influence as a teacher to insist appropriate punishment was doled out (his daughter had participated in it and he wanted her held accountable/did not want the wrong message sent to the rest of the students).

i firmly believe that while you have to look at the circumstances contributing to a child's decision to take an inappropriate action, the inappropriate action must be addressed and delt with.

 

[bigsis1970]

Barkley in this case do you think the writing the teacher an apology note and the loss of TV & DVD player is enough? (she is not in gifted program - nor does she belong there, she is smart but not smart enough for that program)

 

[Tiggeroo]

i think the punishment is more then enough. Why don't you try a mother daughter weight loss program. Take her to ww with you. Both of you can do nightly walks or curves or whatever works. Build in rewards for small goals like movies for 5lbs. I know it's hard but it gets even worst in jr/sr high school. Kids are mean and adolescent boys are generally jerks.

 

[barkley]

honestly, i have a very sensitive daughter (11 1/2) who would be mortified by doing it-but i would make her confess to the teacher face to face at a prearranged meeting i would attend with dd (same as if she stole some little thing at a store-i would make her admit to the store manager face to face).

writing a note is so much easier than having to speak face to face with the person and see their facial reactions, answer their questions-hear the "thinking out loud" of the person determining the appropriate action (and seeing your mom have to hear it/see it too).

as for the tv/dvd player-i don't know the role they play in your daughter's life. in our home that is the first level (along with all electronics) for anything from not doing a chore you've been told repeatedly to do to teasing (my son is just shy of 9 and loves to tease his sister-he does'nt realise how at 11 1/2 they hurt his sister-esp when it comes to her weight). if tv/dvd is a big treat (like something reserved for the weekend when all schoolwork is done) then it may be right on target.

i don't want to give the impression that i believe you should over-react, but i think the reaction should be more focused on the wrong she did vs. justifying it based on the wrong she experienced (when my son was around 5 a classmate took delight in teasing him to the point of tears-we were addressing it with the school. one day my son hit his tolerance point and hauled off and hit the other kid. while i fully understood why he did it we still had an at home punishment and stood behind the school when they decided on a 2 day suspension)-in our minds he had to learn that certain behaviours were unacceptable and that he would be held accountable.

so many best wishes to you-don't you sometimes just want to wrap the dd's up in bubble wrap and protect them until they are 30 or so?

p.s. i know it won't mean much to your dd now, but you might tell her: i got teased REALY bad about my weight by boys at the same age. well at my 20 year reunion a couple of those same boys came up and apologized-they did'nt realize how hurtful they had been until they saw the pain their own daughters went through.

 

[gina2000]

Kids are mean and adolescent boys are generally jerks.

I totally agree with this statement. If you have a good kid who is out of trouble and works hard at school, think of the pain she must be suffering in gym if she went to such lengths to avoid it. It sounds like its completely out of character for her. She should be reprimanded and punished for the action but unless her self esteem is built up or the kids find another victim, she's going to be subjected to this again soon. So I think it's up to you to help her. There are alot of possible alternatives including losing some of the weight and building her self esteem by helping her realize that she's picked on by people who need to do it because they themselves feel a lack.

Gym is particularly difficult especially if she's forced to change into clothing that is less than flattering and then asked to do things that she feels like she's not good at. It's a tough class for non-athletic kids.

If the teasing persists, I would definitely go in and discuss it. You'll never be able to stop it completely (kids that tease are generally very sneaky about it in this day and age because of the emphasis against it) but you may be able to have it addressed in a general fashion by the principal or the gym teacher.

 

[bigsis1970]

Barkley - yes I have a DS who is 9 and has no fat anywhere and he does some tormenting to DD (he does get reprimanded and if its not stopped early bedtime and loss of TV ) As for the face to face thing knowing her personality it will be the worst when she faces her Dad - she is the ultimate daddy's girl and is more horrifed that he is disappointed in her rather then me . Thanks for answering .
I should say that TV is a biggie in our house - for all of us.. I will start working on that ( however old habits die hard - as a single mom now for 7 years I relied on that when they were younger to keep them busy while I cooked, cleaned ect after work till dinner was ready ) This will be forcing me to step up and take action .
again thanks to everyone who is responding .. Michelle

 

[declansdad]

Gym teachers(there are exceptions) tend to be militant and noisy, not knowing appropriate times to be 'helpful.' Good luck.

I'm offended by this statement and I'm not even a phys ed teacher (the proper term btw).

To the OP. I think your punishment is fair and congrats on the pro-active steps you are both taking.

To those of you who think this is just middle schoolers and they tease, well obviously you haven't been paying attention to the world around you. Much of the school violence in both the US and Canada has come about because of bullying. If you don't think teasing is a form of bullying, sit back and listen to kids these days. It will blow your mind.

 

[bigsis1970]

yes right phys ed teacher.. sorry in the old days - hee hee - we called it gym...

 

[Debbie Jean]

Barkley - yes I have a DS who is 9 and has no fat anywhere and he does some tormenting to DD (he does get reprimanded and if its not stopped early bedtime and loss of TV ) As for the face to face thing knowing her personality it will be the worst when she faces her Dad - she is the ultimate daddy's girl and is more horrifed that he is disappointed in her rather then me . Thanks for answering .
I should say that TV is a biggie in our house - for all of us.. I will start working on that ( however old habits die hard - as a single mom now for 7 years I relied on that when they were younger to keep them busy while I cooked, cleaned ect after work till dinner was ready ) This will be forcing me to step up and take action .
again thanks to everyone who is responding .. Michelle

Big hugs for you and DD Being Pooh sized myself and having a DD, now 19, who's generously proportioned, I've been there and think your actions have been completely appropriate.

While what she did was wrong, I honestly believe the focus needs to be on her feelings... she was looking for a solution to alleviating the pain of being teased. She picked the wrong one, in this case, I'm sure out of desperation. It's important that she knows there are other, better solutions. And above all that you are punishing her for her actions, not her feelings.

She needs to know that you are in her corner and available to help and be supportive in any way you can. At her age, I think she should have the say whether you actually speak to the gym teacher about the teasing or not. I know my DD didn't want me to intercede, so I respected her wishes but always let her know that if she changed her mind I was there. Let your DD be your guide.

Getting the entire family involved in healthy eating and exercise sounds like a great idea! You are doing a super job, Mom

 

[aprilgail2]

Come on people, 6th grade kids tease, you can march down to school all you want but your going to do nothing but make it worse. 12 year olds kids do these things. Its not right but its gonna happen.

I agree....even in my daughters first grade class I know there are kids there already that make fun of another kids weight...is it right? NO! But there is no way to monitor kids on the playground etc to make sure no kid does anything mean to another kid...I have told my dauhgter that I never ever want to hear her doing it but could I gaurentee it? nope...I just hope she has compassion and won't do it...