5th grade girls = rude, selfish, and spoiled

[tiggersmom2]

My dd was in high school and it was still going on. DH is a surgeon and she received that treatment also from teachers. Girls are mean as snakes. She had heard about an after prom party that "everyone" was going to and she asked the girl who was having it what time, etc. The girl promptly told her she wasn't invited. She was heartbroken and embarassed. We flew her and her date to Houston (dh & I were there for a function) and they had a blast! (She ended up marrying him, she is now 31, a lawyer, and has 2 beautiful boys).
My other dd had a 13th b'day party and only 1 person showed up. The others thought it would be "funny" not to show. I was the one that was heartbroken. Who would do this to a child? How do those parents let this happen? I think it made her a stronger person. She is now 21 and doing a semester in Budapest.

Just hug them, love them, and let them know this world is full of a**holes!

Oh goodness, I am so sorry your sweet girls had to endure that. When I was little, my mother never let me have a birthday party b/c the same thing happened with one of my brothers, only a few children showed.

I have carried this over to my children, we do not do public parties, only family parties.

 

[mommyoeo]

When DD was the only one not invited to a classmate’s birthday party, she said she tried so hard not to cry. She said when the cards were passed out to everyone, including the people on either side of her, she was so sad. I felt her pain and sympathized with her. Then I told her that some kids don't have folks who love enough to teach them. I wanted her to know that she's special and that the mean child was really the unfortunate one. Still, I wanted to bash the child's face in!! I can't imagine a mom allowing someone to leave out a child!

I am sorry that your little girl is going through all of this. My heart breaks for her. I would definitely try and change schools if it were my daughter.

I had a similar problem at school. I had just about all the cool stuff and tried to stay away from trouble but I was picked on to extremes. There are things that happened that I will not print on this board ever. I still have not ever told my mom or DH all of it because it is too hard and embarrassing to talk about (even at the age of 34) because it's like somehow I deserved it or wasn't strong enough to stop it on my own. I would definitely step in and fix things for her!! Change schools, neighborhoods, whatever it takes. It's a cruel world, but there is no right of passage that says a child needs to toughen up and take it! I disagree with that completely, and there is a large part of the population that thinks that.

I am thankful that I had my church. They were not always great, but I found some true friends that I love to this day. It was a place I was loved, at least by my real friends. Of course, there was still drama, but just not the worst kind!

I see the news and think how terrible that a person could go and shoot others at their school-- how brutal they are and on and on. But I have stopped and said a prayer of thanks many times that it wasn't me doing something like that, that I had parents who adored me and other friends to affirm me and save me from going nuts. I wished many times that I had the physical strength to fight though. I swear that if you have ever lived through it, you would stop at nothing to keep your DD safe from it.

DD is in a private school and they have a tough policy on bullying. They have said not to try and give your child strategies on how to handle things and try to fix it themselves, etc., but to tell the school about it immediately. I believe them too. I think they’d handle it quickly and correctly. Of course, DD not getting a bd invitation doesn’t count!

I wish you and your precious DD well!

Christy

 

[Grand Canyon]

We have drama here too DS12's small group of boys vie for control.
As I read about the mean girls I was reminded why I blotted out my child hood growing up in Plano TX. God it sucked!! I laughed ( To myself ) when all the teachers at our little school (230 K-12) had a full days training on how to deal with Mean Girls. If it helps any. here kid mean or nice disagree about who is friends with who. Clicks do happen but don't last long.
DS12 is the 1st child. He is sooo anal. He has to be 1st in every thing. He is overly driven! Minime At 43 I can now see clearly what was important and what had no real impact on how things turned out. How I wish I could give him the wisdom not to sweat the little thing and enjoy his childhood.
Our little community is poor by US standers. We would count as middle class in Plano, here we look rich. My DW make sure that all the kids in the boy's classes are invited to their birthday parties. When one of my boy is excluded from someones party DW or I will tell them that most kid can't afford big parties, it still stings a little.
I think these are a few of the thing that keep the drama to a minimum
1. to field a sports team they all have to play, there is not enough kids/class
2. all the kids know each other
3. most of the parents know and work with each other
4. your kid screws up at school you don't have to go home to find out about it. You will hear it at work first
5. parents will and do intervene (not always a good thing)
6. In a small school/town karma catches up quickly

I would like to write more but I fear rambling

 

[vettechick99]

I can't believe there are some mothers out there who let their girls pass out invites at school and don't invite everyone. How rude! I've known from an early age that everyone was invited or only a few. And if just a few, never pass out invites at school. Just common courtesy. Sheesh.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My fifth grade daughter must be the anomaly. She gets invited to most things but if she isn't, she doesn't care. She honestly doesn't give it another thought.

As for the parents that don't reciprocate the playdates/sleepovers, I could be that parent. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to, but with 3 children, things can get hectic. It is difficult to find a day where we aren't going somewhere or doing something (homework/projects) at home.

Most of our playdates/sleepovers are done spur of the moment with the friend inviting themselves. I don't mind them doing that at all. They feel like my own children. Or with short notice planning on my part. I also think that at this age a lot of the girls already have their close friends.

I like the idea of getting your daughter involved with groups like Girl Scouts.

Lori

 

[disneyjunkie]

Do you all really think the parents are aware of what their children are doing?

It's very possible the parents had the child write out an invitation for everyone. However, the child could have just decided not to give them all out.

Same for the group of kids that decided not to attend a party. The parents may not have been aware of the party. Even if they were aware, if the kids said they didn't want to go, should they have made them attend?


As far as inviting everyone in a class to a party,

I stopped doing that in kindergarten. The only reason I did it then is because the day care and school he attend required it. It was easier to pass them out at school then it was to get addresses and mail them out. If it was left up to me, he would have invited 5-10 kids in his class. I could have discreetly placed the invites in the kid’s bags or cubbies and called it a day.

From a 1-3 grade he'd invite 3-5 kids from his class, a few kids from the neighborhood, a few from church, a few from scouts, and few of my friend's kids. If I had to invite his whole class, the others would have been left out.


I'm not saying that kids aren't mean. I just don't think parents are always aware or are part of the meanness.

 

[java]

Here it isn't as obvious.But my 5th grader has gotten her feelings hurt. Her "best friend" has not been acting like one- so we have had long talks about what a real friend is. (her best friend is someone that I always felt had to be queen bee and when they went into middle school my dd starting getting more attention than she did- Older brother helps that but I think jealousy is what is causing her to act this way.) the "best Friend was controling who she could or could not be friends with- not good. The lunch room was the land mine place. This is where the friendship really fell apart- I had days of her coming home and crying when I finally said "Move- find a new place to sit" And that was a month ago and she has been happy ever since

She thankfully has REAL friends. Girls that are kind, funny and respectful. There are parties and get togethers where they have fun.
Girls are much more emotionally mean than I ever saw my son's friends be. But learning to navigate through those mean girls will get her through life. Help her develop some real friends.
FRIENDS don't treat friends like that.

 

[KarenB]

I can't believe there are some mothers out there who let their girls pass out invites at school and don't invite everyone. How rude! I've known from an early age that everyone was invited or only a few. And if just a few, never pass out invites at school. Just common courtesy. Sheesh.

Both the district my DSs go/went to and the one I work in do not allow invites to be passed out at school.

However, I can't tell you how many times I have stopped a child from passing them out in the classroom, hallway, recess, etc, even when after this policy has been discussed.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

Mean girls turn in to mean women. It's all in how they are raised. Most of the mean girls I knew growing up were raised to think that the sun rose to shine on them.

I don't think this is true. I think the majority of mean girls is they want to seem "cool". Most of them grow up eventually.

I was one of the girls that was picked on all the time. I was an easy target, because we were poor, but my parents scraped and sacrificed to send me to a private Catholic HS. We did not have school uniforms, just a strict dress code. So the kids could see based on what I wore, that I was not in their league, AT ALL.

Freshman and sophomore year was almost unbearable, the torment we (my small group of lower middle class friends) suffered. Junior year, we just became invisible. Every one had their little groups, and just kept to themselves. Senior year was better. I am not saying I was invited to parties, ect. But I was actually won a superlative. Yes, it was me up against one of the most popular girl in school, and the picked ME!

Anyway, we graduate. 5th year reunion looked just like the lunchroom. Everyone sat with their little cliches. 10th year reunion, I missed because I was giving birth. My friend told me it was much better socially than the 5th. 15th year reunion, you wouldn't even know there were any cliches. Everyone talked to everyone, There was laughter, and hugs. My friend saw me talking to the President of the class. She asked me what we were talking about. I said his wife was due to have their first child, so he was asking for baby advice. She laughed, incredibly, She never believed she would see the day that any of us from our group would be asked advice from CLASS PRESIDENT.

Also there was Rachel, the richest girl in school, telling me all about her day with her twins.

So yes, even the mean girls grow up and join the real world. Once you become an adult, you realize we are all just trying to get through life, one stress at a time. LOL

 

[rcraw45425]

Just up a few minutes and I remembered something else about our "mean girl" This is the one notorious for making up the Tall Tales. She is at school telling everyone about her upcoming birthday party. Tells Amy that she's invited. Amy's like, okay, cool (this was at the beginning of the mean phase, it wasn't as noticible). This school loops so this is now the second year that most of these kids have been together. (Yep, two years of this child ) Amy comes home and tells me that K is having a birthday party and she's invited. I'm okay with it since K lives with Grandma, who's a lovely person. Well, a few days later K comes in and tells Amy, "Amy, I can't invite you, G'ma says I can only invite 4 and I want Abby to come." WTH? Amy comes home and tells me, I'm like, okay, bad manners but that's okay. Two days before the party DD comes home and says that Abby can't come so K had the nerve to re-invite Amy! I'm like, no way!

Here's an even better (or worse) example of how hurtful that girls can be:

We have lived in our house for 10 years now, moved in right before AMy was born. Next door neighbor's youngest is the sama age as Kelly, well 9 months older but same grade. When they were in 4th grade the parents put her in private school, their choice since our public school is raved about. THe girls started to drift apart, but still played together occasionally. Well, for the girl's 5th grade birthday party, she invited Kelly, but not Amy, said that a friend that knows both my girls helped her make the invitation list. Well, I said no, and was a little miffed since the neighbor Mom claims to be so against hurting anyones feelings, it's not Christian, etc. Fast forward to the next year, (oh yeah, neighbor girl came to both of my girls' parties), her birthday rolls around, she is over here with the girls and talking about her birthday party. Tells mine that they're not invited because she made a list then Mom made her cull half of the list (from 10 to 5). THat was it for me. They don't even get together now. My feeling is if this is what they teach at their wonderful Christian school, I want no part of it. I swear though, the uninviting then inviting was the most surprising. I also love the ones that decide that a birthday party at a public place is an open invitation to bring all the younger siblings and expect them to be entertained/babysat too. Amys' party has been at the local bowling alley (her choice, definitely not mine) for the past two years. She invited all of the girls in her class. Very few RSVP'ed, guess that's a courtesy that's fallen by the wayside. We arrive at the facility and here come two parents with the classmates and their younger siblings. They proced to say "we need to run some errands so we're just going to leave them with you too." WTH? I dont' even know these people! I agree, since I'm on the spot, shell out the extra $15 per kid, then when the party is over the parents want to know why their extra kids don't get treat bags too!!!!! ARGH.

 

[MareQ]

Both the district my DSs go/went to and the one I work in do not allow invites to be passed out at school.

However, I can't tell you how many times I have stopped a child from passing them out in the classroom, hallway, recess, etc, even when after this policy has been discussed.

I wish our school would do that.

I do NOT believe a child should invite everybody in the class - but I also believe school is not the place to pass out invitations. My eldest is never invited and they always make a point of letting him know that and will tell him it's because he's weird.... (He's a special needs child in 3rd grade)

 

[4chitlins]

I am totally with you on this one.My daughter goes to school with the same girls your daughter does.It amazes me how mean these girls can be.My daughter thinks cheerleaders are the worst form of life on the planet.My daughter doesn't have the plague either, but she is quiet and refuses to be mean to other's just to fit in.Makes you think twice about home schooling doesn't it?My daughter is in 7th grade but 5th is just about when it all starts going sour

 

[agnes!]

This thread makes me sad. Sad for all the suffering many of our children are going through, sad for all the suffering many of us went through growing up. Emotional wounds go deep and can take a lifetime to heal.

What I used to tell my DD - back when this first started happening in grade school - was that the kids she called "the popular girls" really WEREN'T, they were just the group of girls who seized power. They were not and are not the most-liked, the nicest, the smartest, the prettiest, the most-athletic...they are simply the most powerful and that does NOT make them truly 'popular'.

As a matter of fact, if you polled the girls in some group (like a classroom or a grade), oftentimes the so-called 'popular' girls are actually the most-disliked. Nobody wants to be like them, everyone is just afraid of them.

agnes!

 

[trmcguire]

Come on DFW Dis-ers, let's share our stories of the Highland Park snobs (it made the paper when the first black family moved in a few years ago) or the notorious pretentious Plano moms!

Texas crazy is a particular brand of crazy...we are, after all, home to the Murdering Cheerleader Mom!

Yes, girls are mean. They were mean when I was young, but I think nowadays we just have so many more ways for them to express that meanness. They can IM, create webpages, send nasty text messages...one boy in my daughter's class last year had a Myspace page and wrote some really nasty things about her. Fifth graders trashing each other on Myspace!

I went to Plano schools and found that while there we re a lot of rich families with kids getting brand new BMWs for their birthday, the school was so big that there were so many different groups nobody was really left out. Hopefuly when my children go to Plano schools they have the same great experiences I did.

Now, Highland Park and Southlake are a different story.......

 

[agnes!]

OMG! I have two girls 10 & 12, so I have a 5th grader and a 7th grader. I have seen this so much, not necessarily with my two, but with others that have trouble being accepted, or are targeted by the bully girls. Older DD Kelly is lucky to be a bright well rounded child, but boy is she anal. She is in band, the only girl on her school's golf team, in accellerated classes. Her younger sister is a typical 2nd child, happy go lucky, oh well, I got a B instead of an A on that test, you get the picture. Well, after the girls had golf lessons today (younger started lessons with older, older is not happy because they will be on the same team next year and vying for the same Varsity, JV or B team slots) we went to Target to pick up supplies for a 7th grade project. Amy (younger) often mentions a girl that she has known since like 1st grade, who has become a bit of a bully. She also is notorious for making up tall tales. She is one who eats with her mouth open, while talking, which literally makes Amy nauseous to the point where her lunch comes home untouched. Well Amy has a best friend, we'll call her A, who is the sweetest child the Lord ever created. She is polite, quiet, loves animals (became a veggie because she can't stand to think of an animal being slaughtered). Well, the bully, K, torments her. I had no idea how badly until her mom told me in Target today about how the little girl is always coming up to A and smacking her in the cheek. CHild literally has bruises on her jaw bone! And she will pinch her on the pressure point on the collar bone and threaten to tell the teacher a lie about her if A tells! I could wring that child's neck I am so angry right now. She knows better than to try that with Amy, she definitely holds her own, even the boys will tell you that, even though she's the smallest in the class. This one (K) has made snide remarks about Amy and A whenever the teacher calls on them to do something "special". One remark that comes to mind is "do you always get everything you want, oh wait, did I say that out loud?" Oooooooo!

Kelly is always telling me about the girl cliques in 7th grade, how they are all like frenemies, buddy buddy one minute then at each other's throats the next. But surprisingly it seems like the drama is centered around 5th grade. 6th grade can't come soon enough for us, hopefully our bully will be rezoned since she's already lying to be in our school!

In our area, we had parents pull all sorts of stunts to get their darlings into our local grade school. Before DD went to KG, I vaguely remember moms (who did NOT live in our district) talking about getting people to lie (who actually did live in our district) so their kids would get to be in our grade school. Some parents would even hire experts who would say that Susie & Johnny HAD to be at our school (when the kids actually DIDN'T), I knew of one mother who had to drive past THREE other schools because of our school's snob appeal. It made me so MAD, our school was overcrowded, these other schools had bad reputations, not enough parental involvement...A couple of us went to the principal when DD was in 3rd grade to get something done. The restrictions were actually tightened-up (meaning the school was supposed to actually check up on the facts of each child's case), but the one mother who was NOTORIOUS for getting her kids into the school got to keep her kids in...I always thought it was because she gave a lot of money to the PTA, etc.

If I KNEW for a fact that a parent was lying about living within the school's district (saying the family was living at an in-district address when they didn't, getting a friend to lie - saying Johnny & Susie have after-school care at an in-district house when they never did, etc)...oh yeah, I'd turn the parents in.

And the moment another person lays their hand on me or mine, all bets are off. I'm sure your friend is ready to scorch the earth. There are a lot of things she can do...Enroll her DD in self-defense classes, practice role-playing (when Susie does this, what can her DD do), go to school and observe the class, etc.
When my DD was being intimidated by a boy in grade school, one of the things we did was go to school and eat lunch with her one day, both myself and DH. There's nothing like a Dad sitting there looking all manly to make a bully (girl or boy) realize that a classmate belongs to a family, that she has other people standing behind her. Predators go after those that they perceive to be weak or alone, we sat with her and by doing that, showed the bully that DD was a member of a group. She was not a One, she belonged to Many.

I'm mad & sad for your daughter's friend and I don't even know her. I hope her school year improves.

agnes!

 

[daisax]

What I used to tell my DD - back when this first started happening in grade school - was that the kids she called "the popular girls" really WEREN'T, they were just the group of girls who seized power. They were not and are not the most-liked, the nicest, the smartest, the prettiest, the most-athletic...they are simply the most powerful and that does NOT make them truly 'popular'.

I agree with this. I was tortured for a couple of years (5th and 6th grade) back in the early 70s -- there's nothing new about this phenomenon. It had nothing to do with material possessions or family wealth -- the girls who bullied me were a mix of well to do and far less well off than I was.

I do reassure girls who are the victims of this sort of thing that the power shifted (in my experience) in middle school, and the bully girls became outcasts, burn outs, or just ignored. I never became popular, but I certainly had friends to hang out with and got along well with the truly popular kids (even if we didn't socialize). Maybe I'm in the minority, but the popular kids in my high school were nice kids who were academically motivated (also cheerleaders and jocks, naturally, but not the stereotypical shallow people).

Also, in talking to lots of adults about this over the years, I find a large percentage of the coolest adults I know went through it -- must be something about being truly cool that shows early and provokes bullying from those whose peak years will be under the age of 12.

 

[holycow]

ah, sweetie....I wondered where you were from and then I saw....I feel your pain. I haven't read any other post but hugs to you....do stuff with you DD and get involved in outside activities.

I'm wondering what part of Ca. your from.

Take care.

 

[rcraw45425]

In our area, we had parents pull all sorts of stunts to get their darlings into our local grade school. Before DD went to KG, I vaguely remember moms (who did NOT live in our district) talking about getting people to lie (who actually did live in our district) so their kids would get to be in our grade school. Some parents would even hire experts who would say that Susie & Johnny HAD to be at our school (when the kids actually DIDN'T), I knew of one mother who had to drive past THREE other schools because of our school's snob appeal. It made me so MAD, our school was overcrowded, these other schools had bad reputations, not enough parental involvement...A couple of us went to the principal when DD was in 3rd grade to get something done. The restrictions were actually tightened-up (meaning the school was supposed to actually check up on the facts of each child's case), but the one mother who was NOTORIOUS for getting her kids into the school got to keep her kids in...I always thought it was because she gave a lot of money to the PTA, etc.

If I KNEW for a fact that a parent was lying about living within the school's district (saying the family was living at an in-district address when they didn't, getting a friend to lie - saying Johnny & Susie have after-school care at an in-district house when they never did, etc)...oh yeah, I'd turn the parents in.

And the moment another person lays their hand on me or mine, all bets are off. I'm sure your friend is ready to scorch the earth. There are a lot of things she can do...Enroll her DD in self-defense classes, practice role-playing (when Susie does this, what can her DD do), go to school and observe the class, etc.
When my DD was being intimidated by a boy in grade school, one of the things we did was go to school and eat lunch with her one day, both myself and DH. There's nothing like a Dad sitting there looking all manly to make a bully (girl or boy) realize that a classmate belongs to a family, that she has other people standing behind her. Predators go after those that they perceive to be weak or alone, we sat with her and by doing that, showed the bully that DD was a member of a group. She was not a One, she belonged to Many.

I'm mad & sad for your daughter's friend and I don't even know her. I hope her school year improves.

agnes!

I agree agnes. Amy's friend is the sweetest thing. Her Mom talks of enrolling her in self defense classes, evidently Mom was herself a target of bullying/beatings during her high school years. I just pray that someone comes along and knocks this "bully girl" down a peg or two. She lives with Grandma fulltime and Grandma lives in district so no hope of her being told she has to chnge schools or pay tuition. I see Mom from time to time, she has a couple of younger children with different men, so you know the situation there. The younger ones appear to be completely out of control! I think that K uses the intimidation as a way of getting attention, I believe she thinks it makes her popular. She is also a pot stirrer, always causing dissent.

 

[swilphil]

I went through the "girl drama" a little bit in high school/junior high where there were a fair number of upper-class, old-money familes. I work in a neighboring high school that is definitely middle class, with a bit of working class, and it's much more diverse. I don't see the cliquey girls and snobbery there that I saw in my own high school and another more affluent school where I worked in the past. The kids I work with, for the most part, are very tolerant of one another. We don't have the highest test scores, but test scores aren't everything. I would have been much happier as a teen if I had attended a more middle-class school. The two schools are in the same district, so kids basically get the same education. Just the social environment is different.

To sum it up, the richest/nicest school isn't necessarily "the best."