.

[NikitaZee]

Hey, hey no laughing at the old folks.

Op, my dh is 54 and in a band. He's a drummer, being a muscian is not some thing you turn off when you turn a certain age.

Why do you think being in bars is a horror? what do you think is going to happen? The "old guy" and his band play 70-80's tune and is pretty popular in the south jersey/philly area. He does his gig and then he comes home. end of story. His work place is a bar. that's it. Unless you're worried about him picking up women, it's no different than any other workplace. Ok except they serve alcohol. If he was a fireman on the late shift would that be different?

Personally I loved the extra money. Some times I made it a date night and got a baby sitter, most times I was at home.

My dh knows he's not going to be the next Phil Collins but he loves music, why would I want to take that away. He has a full time job, he is an active father and has passed on his love of music to our kids. God knows they don't get it from me, I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Now he has made some scarifices. No overnight gigs. No last minute gigs and he checks with me to make sure it's not disrupting our schedule to much.

I agree with others, you don't have to love it but really it's not the worse thing in the world and it's a part of who your dh is, so I think you should be a bit supportive.

If it worked out like it works for you and your DH, I think it would be fine. It's just that there is quite a bit of traveling involved at this point - if it were a local bar with a steady gig I would't mind that at all. He loves to play - he had to play, really. He's not happy unless he is being creative - writing poetry, playing music, etc. Thanks for the advice.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Why not just tag along for the ride for now & see where it goes? My DH is an amazing artist. Since we've been together he picks it up in spurts wants to make a living at it, then it gets demanding and becomes a job & he loses interest again. I've always been supportive because he's my friend and that's what friends do fir each other. He's taken classes, sometimes expensive ones at The School of Visual Arts in NYC and Airbrush Getaways. He's bought equipment, lots of it as he's switched mediums through the years. I've been to Special Effects Seminars & visited Sci-FI conventions. We pulled out my dining room to give him space, I even had his art table in our bedroom for a while so we'd be together as a family when he was doing sculpture. Right now the very large MAC I am typing on was purchased because he NEEDED it to work on ads with Photoshop.

Personally, I don't have an artistic bone in my body. But the person I fell in love with does so whenever I see that spark in his eyes I smile and follow him until he comes back down to earth, back to me... until the next time Because I am so supportive when I do say something about things going too far or things being too expensive, whatever, he hears me.

If I were in your shoes I'd simply buy a few cute outfits, interview a few sitters and ride it out, who knows it could be a blast.

 

[eliza61]

Thank you everyone who replied. At least, I don't feel like I am unreasonable in my feelings or making a mountain out of a molehill. In my mind, I've been just kind of 'humoring' this, not thinking it will really go anywhere. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, a regular schedule of playing bar gigs in another state will definitely impact our family, and that is what I'm anxious about.




Thanks for this. I know my husband doesn't really expect me to be happy - we had this conversation when he released his CD - but he's not the kind to let my emotions roll off his back. When I'm unhappy, he's unhappy, and vice versa. He even told me he would quit this band, and give this up, but I don't want him to give up on this dream because of me.



Thank you for this long and thoughtful post. I know my husband will always play, but I can't imagine riding this out for as long as it takes to fail - or not fail. I know the odds are long, and he does too. It's the lifestyle change in between - like you described above - that bothers me the most.



Thanks for this as well. I have encouraged my husband to do exactly that - get into sound mixing or engineering, he is just hesitant to start this without a degree in hand in the field. Is having a degree in this field a must for getting in the door? He is joining an organization next month were he can submit his original material to networks like the Discovery Channel, History Channel, etc. I would love for him to have a career in music that is stable like you mentioned - security is the #1 thing in my mind at this point, with little ones especially.



Thanks. Those thoughts do cross my mind - after all, I used to go to his shows when I was a teen-ager, and I know exactly how some of those nights ended! Not that I don't trust him - I do, but I still don't like the whole atmosphere around it, and I don't want resentment to build between us over this.

Well now, you're off to a good start. You know pretty well what your reservations are so you can address them so the don't build up to mountains.

One thing about musicians I find, is that "failing" is a ever evolving thing. Your dh sounds like a pretty level headed guy so his dream may "change". I have a cousin who wants to be an actress, the girl is 52 and still doing auditions in NYC. she emailed everyone in the family because they filmed the movie "Salt" in her building and she was so excited because she got a part as an "extra"...

like I said, when I first went to a few of my guys gigs, I too had crazy ideas in my head about the whole bar scene. but you know what after a few years I realized that most of the guys in the band weren't into the typical "bar" hang out mentality either. Especially when they hit their 40's, dh said it actually made him appreciate me more than ever because if he had to date some of the women he saw in the bars he'd become a eunch. I get a sense that your guy willl be that way too. think about it, you're entire mentality changed from when you were a teen/20 some thing didn't it?

 

[IdesOmarch]

Oh and I even left out the #1 killer for most bands is the musicians themselves. I can't believe I forgot that! Everyone of my bands broke up because of the personalities, either one was always too drunk, too strung out, or was just generally such an egotistical obnoxious person, no one could stand to be around them. Bands are like 3 or 4 or 5 way marriages in a lot of ways. The infighting is usually the downfall for most bands, so most likely your husband or one of the others will get into fights and that will end it.

And you may say, oh know, they're all best friends. Well everyone of my bands we were always "best friends" but nevertheless we had all of these problems. To give you the most recent example, about 6 or 7 years ago, we "decided to get the band back together" Not for fame or fortune, but just for fun, started out for a new years eve party. We were all in our mid thirties to 40s at that time.

Guess what, it was inevitable, one of the members had not changed AT ALL and was still the ego trip he always was, obnoxious, and just generally annoying. We tried to put up with it for a while, because we were having fun, just hanging out on weekends, partying and stuff, until that Halloween, the guy got so drunk he went nuts and started fighting with one of the other guys (and he's in his mid 40s acting like a teenager!! ) So that was the last straw out of that and we all left and I haven't talked to him sense, so done with that. This is just one example, won't bore you with the countless others.

 

[mjkacmom]

BTDT. My DH was in a variety of bands, starting in middle school (singer/guitar/wrote songs). When we started dating, his band played a lot at Maxwells in Hoboken - I was young (22), and it was great. The next band played in NYC (Knitting Factory, CBGB's, plus a standing Thursday night at some bar on Spring Street). Again, it was fun. They recorded 3 or 4 cd's (anyone want one ). Even after we married, after 6 years of dating, it was fine. However, his dreams were dashed after dd14 was born. At the time, he was travelling during the week for work, and was just home on the weekends. Then another baby, then another baby, then he got his MBA, then 2 more babies.

He had 15+ years of playing in a band. I actually think he should get an old-man band together, just to jam, but I don't think any of us wives want them in the garage. BTW, we can get into NYC in 20 minutes if there is little traffic, but it still started becoming a PITA.

 

[IdesOmarch]

BTDT. My DH was in a variety of bands, starting in middle school (singer/guitar/wrote songs). When we started dating, his band played a lot at Maxwells in Hoboken - I was young (22), and it was great. The next band played in NYC (Knitting Factory, CBGB's, plus a standing Thursday night at some bar on Spring Street). Again, it was fun. They recorded 3 or 4 cd's (anyone want one ). Even after we married, after 6 years of dating, it was fine. However, his dreams were dashed after dd14 was born. At the time, he was travelling during the week for work, and was just home on the weekends. Then another baby, then another baby, then he got his MBA, then 2 more babies.

He had 15+ years of playing in a band. I actually think he should get an old-man band together, just to jam, but I don't think any of us wives want them in the garage. BTW, we can get into NYC in 20 minutes if there is little traffic, but it still started becoming a PITA.

, exactly, I think that is the point, it tends to become a LOT more trouble than its worth. Also, I just got to where it just really wasn't fun anymore. I don't know if it was because I was older, probably was, but priorities change with life. I got to the point to where I felt "immature" for wanting to do it. Now I know that is kind of silly since there are many fine people and musicians in their 40s 50s 60s and even 70s playing, but that was just me.

 

[Barbossa]

If you really love your DH, let him pursue his dream.

 

[castleview]

My husband recently told me that if I want to quit my $50K a year job (that makes me come home in tears every day and has given me ulcers) and go get a job at Target or something that he'd support my choice because he hates seeing me miserable from work every day. Not the same as supporting a "dream" per se, but being willing to accept a huge lifestyle change for the sake of my sanity and happiness.

DH is also a musician and artist but he does not currently do either for profit, just as a hobby. If something came up and he was able to make money (even as a second job) doing something he loves, I'd support him. Even if it meant a lifestyle change.

I can't even imagine not supporting him.

Good man.

 

[ez]

I think what maybe some people here don't understand is, how much time playing music can involve. Its easy to say...let him follow his dream, but how would you feel if your husband was gone almost all the time, or the little bit he is home he is rehearsing, with no real financial payback or anything to speak of.
My husband and I were both musicians when we met and were in a few bands together over the years. It can be all consuming, and it becomes all you think about, like an addiction almost (Its not like going to play golf on a saturday morning, you eat drink and sleep it) He kept playing music while working full time, I worked full time and had to give up music to take care of things at home, I barely saw him on weekends for many years, never had new years eve with him. Our musician friends who never got another real "career" are really hurting now, almost 30 years later, they don't own a home, no pension...its sad. My husband finally stopped playing music when our special needs child was born...it was too much for me to deal with on my own, he had played music for 40 years, so I didnt feel bad that he was giving it up.
When your husband is in a band or whatever...it can feel in a way like he has a mistress...something that always winds up coming before you and your family.
That being said, you really have no choice but to have him do what hes doing, and at least see how it goes, but its a hard place to be....best of luck!!!!

 

[999happyhaunts]

Op, I know where you're coming from. My dh isn't a musician but about 5 yr ago he joined a men's softball league. I was fine with i at first but it progressed to something worse ( everyone going out drinking after every game 2-3x a week til 3am) and we just about ended up divorcing over it. I can't really give you some great advice other than when we love each other I think there is a certain amt of crap we all try to put up with. People go thru ages and stages throughout their whole life, but I truly do belive when you love someone you want to see them happy, so you sit back and endure until you can't anymore. My situation was unhappy during that time in our life but I honestly look back on it now, and I know we needed to go thru that to be where we are now. and now our life is good and our marriage is much stronger. I say see what happens. Be supportive without breaking down the family. If you can understand what I mean.

Shea

 

[Disneychix]

My DH has always played in bands. He is usually good about how much time he spends away from the family, this includes practices, playing, recording etc. There are certain times of the year that I 'freak out' on him. Usually this happens in December as I'm stressed with the holidays and he seems to have tons of shows that month. I also get upset if he plays out during the week too much. He does work a '9-5' so if he plays on a weeknight we don't see him for that whole day (and he's tired and crabby the next day!). But I do have to say, I appreciate the cash he brings home some nights! And it is still exciting to watch him play and see how respected he is in our local music scene.

When we met DH was in 3 bands. Now he's basically in 1 but has 'reunion' shows with the others from time to time. I know playing is a stress-relief and hobby for DH so I would never ask him to stop altogether.
OP: I would tell you to be upfront with DH. Tell him how you're feeling and that you're worried about where this might go. Ask him what his plans are? What if something big happens in NYC? What amount of money, time, effort is the family willing to put into this?

DH and I share the dream that he would have to be promised a certain dollar amount to tour for a certain length of time and I could quit my job while he's gone. After 5yrs we're still waiting for someone to make him our dream offer!!

 

[Barbossa]

...but how would you feel if your husband was gone almost all the time, or the little bit he is home he is rehearsing, with no real financial payback or anything to speak of.

I would feel like the thousands of military husbands and wives in this country. They endure much hardship for minimal pay, yet its a life many choose willingly and find happiness in.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Another problem with it is it is just so irrational. Why does one band that are fabulous musicians and songwriters flop, but then someone puts out a rap CD, like a 50 cent, and he makes millions? Its kind of like the fashion world, one designer is popular that puts out clothes that look like they came off a homeless person, then someone that has taste and creativity flops?

The other problem is there are sooooooo many fine musicians in this world. Lots of competition, all of them trying to "make it." NYC and LA are just 2 cities with tons of bands and musicians, but even a place like Austin I have visited several times, and they have a large bar scene there, you can go from bar to bar to bar with everyone having an awesome band that are truly great. You wouldn't think this world would be populated by so many musicians but for some reason it is a common occupation. I guess its all those groupies that draws men to the scene?

 

[MushyMushy]

Op, I can relate! My husband is a singer (also plays guitar) and had a very hard time finding an outlet for it during the first couple of years of our marriage. Then at one point, he decided to join a church choir. Okay, I'm an atheist and some really bad things had happened to me at that particular church, so there was no way I was going to be able to be involved at all. He eventually became choir director, which was even worse because we couldn't go anywhere over the weekends, plus there were rehearsals and all the hours he had to spend putting music together, etc. It was a miserable few years. People thought I was the DEVIL for not supporting him and there was constantly this wedge between us.

A couple of years ago, my friends and I started going out to see acoustic musicians playing in bars. That's become a really big thing here, middle aged men playing classic rock. Long story short, I hooked my husband up with a friend of mine who plays a mean guitar and now they've come out with a CD and are getting their name out there locally. I am THRILLED! I can finally be the supportive partner he wants me to be, and I am his biggest fan. Because some of his gigs have been private gigs, I haven't been able to go, but I'm still so much happier now that I can be somewhat more involved.

The music scene here is pretty tame. The musicians get their own following, but it's not the same as what you see with the younger guys. None of the wild partying or girls hanging all over them. Honestly, I was more worried about church women coming on to my husband when he was a choir director than I am about women in the bars.

Do you enjoy his music? If so, is there any way that you can play a role without being Yoko or anything like that? I'm a lot happier now that I can hang out with my husband and his friend, plus he's asked me to sort of help "manage" things by talking to some clubs and bars. It helps that I'm also friends with his partner. Do you get along with the other musicians?

On the other hand, I noticed that another poster mentioned trying to think of this as an evening job. That's a good way to look at it too.

 

[MushyMushy]

I would feel like the thousands of military husbands and wives in this country. They endure much hardship for minimal pay, yet its a life many choose willingly and find happiness in.

No comparison. One is a career with pay and benefits, the other is a passion with a little bit of pocket change and no stability.

 

[shortbun]

OP, I totally get what you are feeling. Your quiet, comfortable life is coming apart or at the very least, you feel like you will be living and sleeping alone which doesn't fit into your idea of fun/good/positive for you. I think you just need to embrace what you are feeling, then think about what he is feeling. You HAVE to know that he is excited, thrilled, afraid, worried, torn, happy and sad all at the same time. Discuss the fact that he is a lucky guy to be chasing the dream and that you are an award winning spouse for not getting in the way. Set some ground rules regarding how to signal him when you need some attention and ask him what he might be expecting of you-how he's thinking you might be reacting to what is happening in your lives. You can not begin to heal or accept until it is totally clear to both of you what is acceptable, expected and desired. This is going to be a tough thing to get used to and he needs to acknowledge or at least understand what you are sacrificing without too much complaint. You obviously have not had 'the talk' with him. It's a marriage, you get your say. I wouldn't go over and over it ad nauseum but there have to be some groundrules for this part of the dance, as it were. You could go down to NYC once in a while, he could ask for some dates to be sacred until they start making millions. He needs to buy you presents.

 

[NikitaZee]

Why not just tag along for the ride for now & see where it goes? My DH is an amazing artist. Since we've been together he picks it up in spurts wants to make a living at it, then it gets demanding and becomes a job & he loses interest again. I've always been supportive because he's my friend and that's what friends do fir each other. He's taken classes, sometimes expensive ones at The School of Visual Arts in NYC and Airbrush Getaways. He's bought equipment, lots of it as he's switched mediums through the years. I've been to Special Effects Seminars & visited Sci-FI conventions. We pulled out my dining room to give him space, I even had his art table in our bedroom for a while so we'd be together as a family when he was doing sculpture. Right now the very large MAC I am typing on was purchased because he NEEDED it to work on ads with Photoshop.

Personally, I don't have an artistic bone in my body. But the person I fell in love with does so whenever I see that spark in his eyes I smile and follow him until he comes back down to earth, back to me... until the next time Because I am so supportive when I do say something about things going too far or things being too expensive, whatever, he hears me.

If I were in your shoes I'd simply buy a few cute outfits, interview a few sitters and ride it out, who knows it could be a blast.

LOVE this post! This is exactly the attitude I am hoping to develop. My husband is a wonderful man, father, friend, everything. He accepts me, completely, like no one in my life ever has. I feel like I owe it to him to try and give this my best attempt. The part about 'it could be a blast' makes it seem like it could actually be fun for me.

Oh and I even left out the #1 killer for most bands is the musicians themselves. I can't believe I forgot that! Everyone of my bands broke up because of the personalities, either one was always too drunk, too strung out, or was just generally such an egotistical obnoxious person, no one could stand to be around them. Bands are like 3 or 4 or 5 way marriages in a lot of ways. The infighting is usually the downfall for most bands, so most likely your husband or one of the others will get into fights and that will end it.

And you may say, oh know, they're all best friends. Well everyone of my bands we were always "best friends" but nevertheless we had all of these problems. To give you the most recent example, about 6 or 7 years ago, we "decided to get the band back together" Not for fame or fortune, but just for fun, started out for a new years eve party. We were all in our mid thirties to 40s at that time.

Guess what, it was inevitable, one of the members had not changed AT ALL and was still the ego trip he always was, obnoxious, and just generally annoying. We tried to put up with it for a while, because we were having fun, just hanging out on weekends, partying and stuff, until that Halloween, the guy got so drunk he went nuts and started fighting with one of the other guys (and he's in his mid 40s acting like a teenager!! ) So that was the last straw out of that and we all left and I haven't talked to him sense, so done with that. This is just one example, won't bore you with the countless others.

Oh, I was a witness to that firsthand with the 'original' band. The singer was an egomaniac, the guitarist was a heroin addict, and, sadly, the bassist ended up commiting suicide several years ago. The three original members (including my husband) have re-started this. One is my brother, one is a good friend. Both single, looking for girlfriends, guys.

Op, I know where you're coming from. My dh isn't a musician but about 5 yr ago he joined a men's softball league. I was fine with i at first but it progressed to something worse ( everyone going out drinking after every game 2-3x a week til 3am) and we just about ended up divorcing over it. I can't really give you some great advice other than when we love each other I think there is a certain amt of crap we all try to put up with. People go thru ages and stages throughout their whole life, but I truly do belive when you love someone you want to see them happy, so you sit back and endure until you can't anymore. My situation was unhappy during that time in our life but I honestly look back on it now, and I know we needed to go thru that to be where we are now. and now our life is good and our marriage is much stronger. I say see what happens. Be supportive without breaking down the family. If you can understand what I mean.

Shea

So glad it worked out for you. But, seems like you had to go thru hell to get there. I don't want to do that!

Do you enjoy his music? If so, is there any way that you can play a role without being Yoko or anything like that? I'm a lot happier now that I can hang out with my husband and his friend, plus he's asked me to sort of help "manage" things by talking to some clubs and bars. It helps that I'm also friends with his partner. Do you get along with the other musicians?

On the other hand, I noticed that another poster mentioned trying to think of this as an evening job. That's a good way to look at it too.

I like his music - most of it. Some is too hard and heavy for me. I actually have been involved in the process - I helped him design and publish his website, and helped get his music copyrighted thru the Library of Congress. I really am trying to be supportive - I just don't like the way it feels.

OP, I totally get what you are feeling. Your quiet, comfortable life is coming apart or at the very least, you feel like you will be living and sleeping alone which doesn't fit into your idea of fun/good/positive for you. I think you just need to embrace what you are feeling, then think about what he is feeling. You HAVE to know that he is excited, thrilled, afraid, worried, torn, happy and sad all at the same time. Discuss the fact that he is a lucky guy to be chasing the dream and that you are an award winning spouse for not getting in the way. Set some ground rules regarding how to signal him when you need some attention and ask him what he might be expecting of you-how he's thinking you might be reacting to what is happening in your lives. You can not begin to heal or accept until it is totally clear to both of you what is acceptable, expected and desired. This is going to be a tough thing to get used to and he needs to acknowledge or at least understand what you are sacrificing without too much complaint. You obviously have not had 'the talk' with him. It's a marriage, you get your say. I wouldn't go over and over it ad nauseum but there have to be some groundrules for this part of the dance, as it were. You could go down to NYC once in a while, he could ask for some dates to be sacred until they start making millions. He needs to buy you presents.

Thank you - you really got it with your post. Exactly how I feel. A good talk is in order - where he doesn't get defensive and I don't end up a stony wall of silence.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Thanks for this as well. I have encouraged my husband to do exactly that - get into sound mixing or engineering, he is just hesitant to start this without a degree in hand in the field. Is having a degree in this field a must for getting in the door? He is joining an organization next month were he can submit his original material to networks like the Discovery Channel, History Channel, etc. I would love for him to have a career in music that is stable like you mentioned - security is the #1 thing in my mind at this point, with little ones especially.

Nope, no degree required. It is all what you know/learned by trial and error or schooling/classes and 30% of the time who you know. A background in music, sound, sound mixing (I'm sure the band members make sure each gig is set up how they want to sound and/or work with a location engineer/mixer at the venue.)

My husband's best friend is a sax player. He's also a successful editor who works only when he wants to. He works for the networks and edits promos and commercials. And he works out of his home. He and his wife have a 5 year-old boy and they are both home when he's home from school. Doesn't get any better than that.

 

[dldwmom]

Being a professional musician is a tricky thing to handle without a lot of passion going into it because of the unpredictable nature of the profession. My brother is a full time violinist and is able to do it because he has 2 college degrees, 2 agents, and lots of schmoozing. Even then, paychecks are unpredictable, and the hours are long with lots of traveling, and gigs that are sometimes glamorous, and sometimes not.

 

[kirstenb1]

I'm assuming he has a "day job". We have some acquaintances where the husband and his teenage sons have formed a band. He is an engineer by day, so financially they are fine. This is just something he enjoys doing with their sons in the evenings and weekends. We live in a really small town, and they do classic rock at every litttle festival etc.

She seems okay with it, and they're having a blast. I'm sure a huge part, is the 2 sons are involved too. If DH did something like this with our daughters, I'd be glad for them. If it was just DH, not so much.