.

[NikitaZee]

.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well, you don't have to be *happy* for him, so take that off your list.

Supporting his dream doesn't have to be completely open-ended. You can have some boundaries. If I were in your shoes, I'd say something like "I understand this is important to you and I want you to be able to experience it. But you need to understand that we are not at a point in our lives where we can deal with you TRYING to be a professional musician for very long. So, let's set a time limit. For X amount of time, you should try as hard as you can. And after that point, if you aren't successful (you'll need to define "success"), your music becomes a hobby again."

 

[golfgal]

Why do you feel like you have to hang out at the bars with him? Do you go to work with him now and hang out in his office? Think of it as a "night" job for him. Maybe that will help put it into perspective what he is doing? Plus, if he is working from say 10:00PM until the early morning-he will be home in the afternoons with the kids when they get home from school so spending MORE time with them.

 

[Jennasis]

How old is your DH? My dad is reliving his childhood just like this...complete with band full of brothers-in-law that he played with eons ago. Mom is at her wits end, but Dad is having a blast.

 

[NikitaZee]

How old is your DH? My dad is reliving his childhood just like this...complete with band full of brothers-in-law that he played with eons ago. Mom is at her wits end, but Dad is having a blast.

He's 40. That's funny how you phrased that about you folks - I have a mental picture of it and it's cracking me up - a much needed laugh!

 

[IdesOmarch]

Been here done that so I can probably give you some helpful advice. I have been a musician all my life, played lead guitar in rock bands and for the last 15 years or more play classical piano (played keyboards in the bands too). I realized at about age 25 that going down the road of a musician was too rocky to totally count on so I ended up going back to college and getting a law degree. Now I see all my friends that have clung to the life as a full time musician end up in places and situations that are very, lets just say not desirable and I feel for them for not planning and putting all their eggs in one basket.

My point is this, to cheer you up. DON"T WORRY BE HAPPY, and I say this for this reason, it won't last. Even big time musicians careers tail off. Most careers you are on top (if you ever manage to get that far) for a few years then it all goes away. Point is this won't last forever so just try to have fun now, and remember things will change eventually. Its just the nature of the business. The few musicians that have made long careers out of being musicians are few and far between (the Aerosmiths, Van Halens etc.) If you were to look at the odds of this level of success in the music industry it is alot like looking at the odds of winning the lottery.

Other advice would be to just let this ride out and see what happens. When it starts to look like it is on the decline, and it will eventually, you may start to encourage him to start thinking about some kind of back up plan at that point.

Also, if I were you you should probably start looking at a career yourself if you haven't already done that, to get you two over the transition period when it eventually happens.

Its very very tough to make a living as a musician. Its a hundred million to one odds really on achieving any real success. Its just set up to fail the way the business is. And with the internet now, it has changed the music business forever, because it is so easy to pirate CDs now, it is now a small percentage of people that actually pay for the music, making it even more difficult for musicians to make a living. He will always be an artist and a musician and should not ever totally give it up, but there will come a time when he will need to actually earn his living another way, unless he can make good bucks in teaching, which is another possibility.

Also, he may get tired of beating his head into the wall eventually on his own and realize he needs to take another path. Playing in clubs, dealing with unscrupulous club owners, being on the road, having the van break down, having gigs cancelled, etc., etc., will get old to him eventually, at least that is what I think for what its worth.

I have seen some of my friends also get real "record" deals back when a record deal was a big deal (like in the late 80s early 90s). One band of friends in particular were signed by the same guy that signed guns and roses, right after guns were having their success, so it was a huge deal for them. They were pretty good and I thought they had a good chance. They had management that could get them on big tours with big bands etc., but only a year later it all came crashing down. The CD just didn't sell, they were an 80s hair band that came out too late at the end of that era, no one got it, and they were back in Memphis the next year with no deal, no where to go, it was basically over. Only the year before they all thought they were about to be huge rock stars. I've seen this over and over again.

 

[Jennasis]

Ah...mid-life crisis. My dad is 64 (and one heck of a bass player). My parents set boundaries...er...I mean MOM set them. Can't interfere with the day job, can't interfere with family time. Can't upset the neighbors with practice (dad got around that one by getting the neighborinvolved in the band!).

As for not being into clubs and bars. Don't go. I'm sure he'd love to have you (his "groupie") there, but you don't have to go if you can't or don't want to, but don't dismiss it out of hand. try going to a gig and see what it's like. You may be surprised.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

My husband recently told me that if I want to quit my $50K a year job (that makes me come home in tears every day and has given me ulcers) and go get a job at Target or something that he'd support my choice because he hates seeing me miserable from work every day. Not the same as supporting a "dream" per se, but being willing to accept a huge lifestyle change for the sake of my sanity and happiness.

DH is also a musician and artist but he does not currently do either for profit, just as a hobby. If something came up and he was able to make money (even as a second job) doing something he loves, I'd support him. Even if it meant a lifestyle change.

I can't even imagine not supporting him.

 

[minkydog]

IdesOMarch has given you good advice. You don't have to love it, but you can be supportive. It's not going to kill you to let him try out his dream. Our pediatrician has been playing in a house band since he was in residency. Obviously, his main job is doctoring but he gets so much pleasure out of rockin' out with the boys that his wife decided to just let him have his fun. It's not any different than someone playing ALTA tennis or having a second job. Lots of people do that. And this probably won't last forever. In fact, you might want to negotiate a time frame, say 6 months to a year, after which you both assess the situation and discuss where to go from there.

 

[yoopermom]

I have a relative who's BIL is, what I would consider a "B level" musician(if I told you the name of the band, you'd know it, but if I told you his name, you wouldn't). He's the same age as your DH, and, after a decade of fighting for a career in the industry, is getting tired of being constantly surrounded by drug use, groupies, being on the road, infighting, etc. Last time I talked to him, he told me that singing "Tiny Dancer" on the bus doesn't work like in the movies. He's on his second wife (and she wants to have kids, which he can't picture since he's rarely home, so she may be an ex soon enough), is rarely home, hardly sees his immediate or extended family, etc. Yeah, he might be almost famous, but I don't know if he'd say most days that it's worth it.

So do like everyone else has said and set some commonsense boundaries with your DH--how long, how often, how far away, how is he going to put you and the kids first when chasing this kind of a dream requires a huge commitment, etc.

Good luck!
Terri

 

[agnes!]

My husband recently told me that if I want to quit my $50K a year job (that makes me come home in tears every day and has given me ulcers) and go get a job at Target or something that he'd support my choice because he hates seeing me miserable from work every day. ...

Man, that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard...you picked a keeper .

agnes!

 

[Miniefan]

I'm in a similar situation, kind of. My husband is not a musician, but about 9 months ago, he told me he was tired of his job, wanted something new, burnt out, I was ok with trying something different, but I was in school at that time, so he started applying for jobs, went on a couple of interviews and landed a job in Virginia, we were living in Florida at the time. So, I finished up my school in August, we had a month to plan and pack and moved the first week of October. I was very supportive of this change, wanted something different myself, wanted to see what other parts of the world were like, but scared because we never did anything like this before.

Fast forward about 4 months to now- Im miserable, he's totally happy. I don't know what to do now. I can't find a job, I don't know anyone here, my kids are miserable, my husbands never home, I'm totally drowning most days in the sorrow I feel. I miss Fl, my family, my friends, the weather, crap just everything. The worst part of this is I don't know what to do to fix things or how to begin to dig out of the hole I'm in. I don't want to make dh feel bad, but I know I am harboring a bunch or resentment because this was his idea and we all kinda came along for the ride. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet, but I don't know what to do either.

Kim

 

[Handbag Lady]

I am married to a musician.

Do everything you can to be happy for him. Support him. Do what you can up to the point where it starts to infringe on the family and go no further. Let him follow his dream, get it out of his system, let him be him. Do not drag him down in any way, shape or form.

You do NOT want the next 30-40 years of "what if" hanging over his head. TRUST ME. I know from which I speak.


And let me tell you something else. I work with a lot of musicians now. They are not paid musicians, but we all work in sound for film and tv. Stable, high-paying jobs with health benefits and pensions. And most of the wives don't have to work unless they want to work. Everyone started in music as either engineers, musicians, or editors. You never know where this could lead.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would just tell my dh the truth and talk it out. I would explain my expectations and he would share his and then we would come to a compromise.

Obviously at 40 married with kids he knows that playing gigs will take away from family and to expect you to be "happy" about that is silly.

I would shoot for some realism in the relationship. But that is how dh and I operate. We just don't beat around the bush, we prefer to just talk things out frankly.

Good Luck!

 

[okeydokey]

I'm in a similar situation, kind of. My husband is not a musician, but about 9 months ago, he told me he was tired of his job, wanted something new, burnt out, I was ok with trying something different, but I was in school at that time, so he started applying for jobs, went on a couple of interviews and landed a job in Virginia, we were living in Florida at the time. So, I finished up my school in August, we had a month to plan and pack and moved the first week of October. I was very supportive of this change, wanted something different myself, wanted to see what other parts of the world were like, but scared because we never did anything like this before.

Fast forward about 4 months to now- Im miserable, he's totally happy. I don't know what to do now. I can't find a job, I don't know anyone here, my kids are miserable, my husbands never home, I'm totally drowning most days in the sorrow I feel. I miss Fl, my family, my friends, the weather, crap just everything. The worst part of this is I don't know what to do to fix things or how to begin to dig out of the hole I'm in. I don't want to make dh feel bad, but I know I am harboring a bunch or resentment because this was his idea and we all kinda came along for the ride. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet, but I don't know what to do either.

Kim

Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. I too moved across the country to a completely different environment so my DH could go to grad school. He was off at the University during the day and I hadn't found a job yet and was unhappy. I remember walking from room to room in the house, crying, thinking What the Heck am I Doing Here? This isn't my home!

It really did get better with time. We found a new social circle, church, and I did find a job with people I enjoyed being around. Hang in there!

 

[RadioFanatic]

My husband recently told me that if I want to quit my $50K a year job (that makes me come home in tears every day and has given me ulcers) and go get a job at Target or something that he'd support my choice because he hates seeing me miserable from work every day. Not the same as supporting a "dream" per se, but being willing to accept a huge lifestyle change for the sake of my sanity and happiness.

DH is also a musician and artist but he does not currently do either for profit, just as a hobby. If something came up and he was able to make money (even as a second job) doing something he loves, I'd support him. Even if it meant a lifestyle change.

I can't even imagine not supporting him.

I agree about supporting, but I see OP has kids and that's what I would be worried about - will it affect them, both financially as well as emotionally. For example, after I was told I couldn't have kids, dh and I decided to dump our well paying but in a stressful field, move to florida in an apartment, and just make enough to live well. Only three months after making that decision and starting to look for places, I got pregnant. We realized our priorities had to change for him; and we are still here, working the jobs. Do I love it? no, but I do it for DS. So I agree about support; however, I would not change it bc it's worth it for DS.

 

[horseshowmom]

My parents set boundaries...er...I mean MOM set them. Can't interfere with the day job, can't interfere with family time. Can't upset the neighbors with practice (dad got around that one by getting the neighbor involved in the band!).

OP, you have my sympathy. I think you have to support your husband, but I would feel exactly like you do. I would probably think he had lost his mind and wonder about the effect on our marriage of his being in bars at all hours of the night on a regular basis while I was home with the kids. I think that's human nature. The advice you got from IdesOmarch was excellent.

 

[eliza61]

How old is your DH? My dad is reliving his childhood just like this...complete with band full of brothers-in-law that he played with eons ago. Mom is at her wits end, but Dad is having a blast.

He's 40. That's funny how you phrased that about you folks - I have a mental picture of it and it's cracking me up - a much needed laugh!

Hey, hey no laughing at the old folks.

Op, my dh is 54 and in a band. He's a drummer, being a muscian is not some thing you turn off when you turn a certain age.

Why do you think being in bars is a horror? what do you think is going to happen? The "old guy" and his band play 70-80's tune and is pretty popular in the south jersey/philly area. He does his gig and then he comes home. end of story. His work place is a bar. that's it. Unless you're worried about him picking up women, it's no different than any other workplace. Ok except they serve alcohol. If he was a fireman on the late shift would that be different?

Personally I loved the extra money. Some times I made it a date night and got a baby sitter, most times I was at home.

My dh knows he's not going to be the next Phil Collins but he loves music, why would I want to take that away. He has a full time job, he is an active father and has passed on his love of music to our kids. God knows they don't get it from me, I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Now he has made some scarifices. No overnight gigs. No last minute gigs and he checks with me to make sure it's not disrupting our schedule to much.

I agree with others, you don't have to love it but really it's not the worse thing in the world and it's a part of who your dh is, so I think you should be a bit supportive.

 

[NikitaZee]

Thank you everyone who replied. At least, I don't feel like I am unreasonable in my feelings or making a mountain out of a molehill. In my mind, I've been just kind of 'humoring' this, not thinking it will really go anywhere. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, a regular schedule of playing bar gigs in another state will definitely impact our family, and that is what I'm anxious about.

Well, you don't have to be *happy* for him, so take that off your list.

Thanks for this. I know my husband doesn't really expect me to be happy - we had this conversation when he released his CD - but he's not the kind to let my emotions roll off his back. When I'm unhappy, he's unhappy, and vice versa. He even told me he would quit this band, and give this up, but I don't want him to give up on this dream because of me.

Been here done that so I can probably give you some helpful advice. I have been a musician all my life, played lead guitar in rock bands and for the last 15 years or more play classical piano (played keyboards in the bands too). I realized at about age 25 that going down the road of a musician was too rocky to totally count on so I ended up going back to college and getting a law degree. Now I see all my friends that have clung to the life as a full time musician end up in places and situations that are very, lets just say not desirable and I feel for them for not planning and putting all their eggs in one basket.

My point is this, to cheer you up. DON"T WORRY BE HAPPY, and I say this for this reason, it won't last. Even big time musicians careers tail off. Most careers you are on top (if you ever manage to get that far) for a few years then it all goes away. Point is this won't last forever so just try to have fun now, and remember things will change eventually. Its just the nature of the business. The few musicians that have made long careers out of being musicians are few and far between (the Aerosmiths, Van Halens etc.) If you were to look at the odds of this level of success in the music industry it is alot like looking at the odds of winning the lottery.

Other advice would be to just let this ride out and see what happens. When it starts to look like it is on the decline, and it will eventually, you may start to encourage him to start thinking about some kind of back up plan at that point.

Also, if I were you you should probably start looking at a career yourself if you haven't already done that, to get you two over the transition period when it eventually happens.

Its very very tough to make a living as a musician. Its a hundred million to one odds really on achieving any real success. Its just set up to fail the way the business is. And with the internet now, it has changed the music business forever, because it is so easy to pirate CDs now, it is now a small percentage of people that actually pay for the music, making it even more difficult for musicians to make a living. He will always be an artist and a musician and should not ever totally give it up, but there will come a time when he will need to actually earn his living another way, unless he can make good bucks in teaching, which is another possibility.

Also, he may get tired of beating his head into the wall eventually on his own and realize he needs to take another path. Playing in clubs, dealing with unscrupulous club owners, being on the road, having the van break down, having gigs cancelled, etc., etc., will get old to him eventually, at least that is what I think for what its worth.

I have seen some of my friends also get real "record" deals back when a record deal was a big deal (like in the late 80s early 90s). One band of friends in particular were signed by the same guy that signed guns and roses, right after guns were having their success, so it was a huge deal for them. They were pretty good and I thought they had a good chance. They had management that could get them on big tours with big bands etc., but only a year later it all came crashing down. The CD just didn't sell, they were an 80s hair band that came out too late at the end of that era, no one got it, and they were back in Memphis the next year with no deal, no where to go, it was basically over. Only the year before they all thought they were about to be huge rock stars. I've seen this over and over again.

Thank you for this long and thoughtful post. I know my husband will always play, but I can't imagine riding this out for as long as it takes to fail - or not fail. I know the odds are long, and he does too. It's the lifestyle change in between - like you described above - that bothers me the most.

I am married to a musician.

Do everything you can to be happy for him. Support him. Do what you can up to the point where it starts to infringe on the family and go no further. Let him follow his dream, get it out of his system, let him be him. Do not drag him down in any way, shape or form.

You do NOT want the next 30-40 years of "what if" hanging over his head. TRUST ME. I know from which I speak.


And let me tell you something else. I work with a lot of musicians now. They are not paid musicians, but we all work in sound for film and tv. Stable, high-paying jobs with health benefits and pensions. And most of the wives don't have to work unless they want to work. Everyone started in music as either engineers, musicians, or editors. You never know where this could lead.

Thanks for this as well. I have encouraged my husband to do exactly that - get into sound mixing or engineering, he is just hesitant to start this without a degree in hand in the field. Is having a degree in this field a must for getting in the door? He is joining an organization next month were he can submit his original material to networks like the Discovery Channel, History Channel, etc. I would love for him to have a career in music that is stable like you mentioned - security is the #1 thing in my mind at this point, with little ones especially.

OP, you have my sympathy. I think you have to support your husband, but I would feel exactly like you do. I would probably think he had lost his mind and wonder about the effect on our marriage of his being in bars at all hours of the night on a regular basis while I was home with the kids. I think that's human nature. The advice you got from IdesOmarch was excellent.

Thanks. Those thoughts do cross my mind - after all, I used to go to his shows when I was a teen-ager, and I know exactly how some of those nights ended! Not that I don't trust him - I do, but I still don't like the whole atmosphere around it, and I don't want resentment to build between us over this.

 

[Jennasis]

Hey, hey no laughing at the old folks.

Op, my dh is 54 and in a band. He's a drummer, being a muscian is not some thing you turn off when you turn a certain age.

Why do you think being in bars is a horror? what do you think is going to happen? The "old guy" and his band play 70-80's tune and is pretty popular in the south jersey/philly area. He does his gig and then he comes home. end of story. His work place is a bar. that's it. Unless you're worried about him picking up women, it's no different than any other workplace. Ok except they serve alcohol. If he was a fireman on the late shift would that be different?

Personally I loved the extra money. Some times I made it a date night and got a baby sitter, most times I was at home.

My dh knows he's not going to be the next Phil Collins but he loves music, why would I want to take that away. He has a full time job, he is an active father and has passed on his love of music to our kids. God knows they don't get it from me, I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Now he has made some scarifices. No overnight gigs. No last minute gigs and he checks with me to make sure it's not disrupting our schedule to much.

I agree with others, you don't have to love it but really it's not the worse thing in the world and it's a part of who your dh is, so I think you should be a bit supportive.

It's hard not to laugh, God bless him. He makes us call him "Dr. Rhythm" . I DID make him a concert "world tour" t-shirt for his band for Christmas. He thought it was the best thing since sliced bread.