2 ?'s Reguarding Teens What Would You Do?

[LvsTnk]

My DD ( who will be 15 in a month) has started to date or mostly go out in groups with this 16yo boy. She has become Very secretive and standoffish and I am not sure what is exactly going on. I have really been trying to keep the communication going, but she knows we think she is too young to be seeing this boy.

Now, for the ?'s how far would you go to find out what is going on. I am really thinking about going into her filing cabnet to see what she has been saying to her friends since I know she saves all of her online conversations. If I go in and read some of her files will she find out? I am not that computer savvy.

I am soo desperate for information and sooo worried I don't know what to do????

Any help or advice??

 

[LvsTnk]

I am sooo sorry I meant this for the community board, and I can't delete it. My mind is frazzled!!!!!

 

[WDW Fun]

As the mother of two boys, ages 18 and 20, I've been pretty close to where you are.

First of all, the more you protest against her seeing this boy, the more she'll rebel against you and close up as far as communication goes.

Next, please don't look at her private conversations, for several reasons. First, she is a person separate from you who has her own life and deserves privacy. Second, I can pretty much guarantee that you'll read something you'll regret reading! Not that it will necessarily be horrible but it might be something you don't want to know about your little girl. And you won't be able to discuss anything you read with her anyway without her being upset that you looked. So, that puts you in the position of possibly misinterpreting something in her computer files but unable to ask her!

In my opinion the years from age 14-16 are scary. Just try to keep the lines of communication open without sounding judgmental. I know, easier said than done, but it will be worth it. Unfortunately, we can't shelter our kids forever and she might have to learn from her own mistakes. Just remember, she still needs you no matter how standoffish she appears.

Hang in there!

 

[cdnmickeylover]

Do not read any of her private emails or papers. My mother read my diary as a teenager and I've never really forgiven her and it's over 20 years ago. Our relationship has never been the same partly because she's never felt that she did anything wrong.

I know how scary it is to have a teenager as I've got a 17 year old DS but I haven't ever read his emails or private letters etc. because of what my mother did so long ago.

Just be patient and it will all work out fine in the end.

 

[Naisy68]

Hang in there,
I have a 14 year-old DS who keeps things from me that he feels I don't need to know and according to him, I'm the only parent who asks questions about who he's with and what he's doing. I know (or hope) that's not true but he thinks it is.
My advice to you is to tell your daughter that you really miss talking to her and you'd like her to open up to you even if she thinks you don't need to know what's going on in her life. You're job is to make sure she's safe and not putting herself in danger.
I'm another one that couldn't keep my mother off of my case, I used to write her notes in my journals because I knew she read them. In the end, my mother had actually taught me right from wrong and I usually knew what I should and shouldn't be doing. I did make a few mistakes along the way but I turned out ok.
I guess it boils down to - parents just need to hope that they've taught their kids the right stuff and trust them to make good decisions. Good Luck!

 

[nigel-bigel]

The best advice I have ever heard regarding teenage "significant others" is to include them in your family.

Ask him to dinner, have him join you at the movies, include him in a family games night. This will give you a chance to actually know the young man! Perhaps you will like him, and that will put a lot of concerns to rest.

Plus - as the reasoning goes - if this young man's intentions are less than honorable, he will feel very uncomfortable by all of this togetherness and pull away from your family, and your daughter as well.

My oldest child is 8, so I don't know how effective this advice really is. It sure sounds good to kill him with kindness!

I am really dreading 15 years old.

Good luck to you- Nicole

 

[Dismom63]

I am with you sister! My teens are DD 13 and DS14...
Stay calm and I would agree with the above poster about inclusing the boy in things in your home. From the point of my son and his friends it really does appear that if he has to "look you in the eye" now and then, it keeps things a whole lot more wholesome.
Withthat said, pray! I pray that we all make it through these scary years safe, healthy and relatively happy.

 

[LvsTnk]

Well, I posted this on the community board as well, and I have pretty much decided not to invade her privacy at this point.

I think she has just done a little too much growing up a little too fast, but it's done. I am going to hope I taught her well, and just keep talking to her.

I like this boy he is an honors student and well liked by everyone. It's just this one thing he has done in his past that just keeps nagging at me. My son(17)is making an effort to keep tabs on the situation and had pizza with him and his friends the other day. I also had a nice conversation with him online and he assured me his intentions were good. I also told him I would like him to come around more. It went well and we will see how things go.

Thanks so much for replying I appreciate all the feedback, I feel a little better

 

[Goofysgrl]

I rarely post but had to jump in here. I have a 14 year old daughter who has a male friend. He spends a lot of time here at my house hanging out and watching movies. They hang out in groups and go to the movies or to get something to eat. I think it is wrong to email him and discuss his relationship with your daughter. My daughter would be furious if I ever did this. I trust that I have raised her in such a way that she knows right from wrong. She does talk to me but not if I continually ask her questions. She will come out on her own and tell me what is going on. I made it a point to make my home welcoming to all of my childrens friends that way you sort of have an inside track as to what sorts of things are going on. I would never read her diary of her online conversations she needs her privacy. She may not make decisions the way I would like all the time but she is not me! All I can do is lead her in the right direction and pray that she is smart enough to make good decisions.
Diane

 

[Mommo]

I have 2 girls and 1 boy and know what you're saying. I see people talking about respect and feel that needs to be balanced with a teenage mind. They can take care of themselves and are more dependent than toddlers in the same breath. What does your instinct tell you? Do NOT feel intimidated into parenting that you are not comfortable with. She will have all the time in the world to make her own decisions and your role will be much different in 5 years. Honestly, I would not ever be reassured by a 16 year old telling an adult anything he knows they want to hear. Smile and tell her when you need to have them supervised and know you are doing what you are ok with. Good luck Beth

 

[LvsTnk]

Just to clarify, he IM'd me first, I have never initiated a conversation with him online. Also, DD knows about it and exactly what I said and what he said. I was shocked she was fine with it. I am sure he told me what I wanted to hear, but I had to get out there that we were concerned about our daughter. He knows that I know about everything he does.....small school....kids talk.

I sure am learning alot here! My DH is Italian and if it was up to him she wouldn't go out until she was 21!!!! But my DS can do what ever he likes

Just as an update, last night she did open up a little, and I tried very hard not to be judgemental. I guess you could call it gentle persuasion.

 

[nigel-bigel]

Well said, Mommo (Beth)!

Nicole

 

[cheerdaddy]

I'm not sure I agree with all this "she needs her privacy" stuff....she needs good parenting more!!! Although i'm not suggesting you read her e-mails or diaries, I am suggesting that it is your job to teach and protect your children...If something is going on in her life that could be dangerous to her, you have every right to use whatever means to protect her(or him for those who have boys)....it seems like too many parents feel like their job is done when kids are 12, 13, 15 or whatever age; that's just when the job gets started if you ask me! In our home, privacy and trust are not "god-given" rights, but are rewards earned over time with honest communication and rules observence..

 

[TinkKel]

I read this and wasn't going to reply because it goes against what most have said about teens and their privacy. My 13 yo DS started using the internet to get game codes and music. One day, when I was walking by, I found him IM'*** someone. I asked who he was corresponding with and he told me "someone from school". One day when I was on the computer, I just couldn't help myself, and looked at the chat history, and what I saw competely shocked me. My son had been corresponding with someone much older with him, and a lot of the messages was sexual in nature. I confronted my son about it, and he started crying, pretty much saying he was "sucked into it", and was glad that I found it. Needless to say, he is no longer allowed on the internet unsupervised, and he knows that I check the historys periodically.

While the internet is a wonderful tool, it is also an awful way for pedophiles and other evil people to touch our children. If we leave it in their hands, and not check up on them, one of our sons or daughters may be the next one that dissapears when they take off with someone that seduced them over the internet.

I do not search my son's room, or go through his things...but to me, the computer is a whole different can of worms, there is just too much out there that is tempting, especially to teens. They are naturally curious, and usually trusting.

Anyway, this is my two cents worth. I will never regret checking out my son's chat history, and neither will he (as a matter of fact he has thanked me)

 

[darlene9947]

Wow, I know how you feel. Sometimes you just have to poke into their private messages and stuff to find out just what they are doing. My youngest DD who is now 23, was a hellion when she was between 15 & 17. I had to go thru her things to find out what she was up to. One year on Christmas break she went to visit a girlfriend in El Paso who used to live in Slidell. I talked to who I thought was this girl's mother to make sure everything was on the up and up. Well, come to find out, she was staying in an apt. with some guy she used to talk to on the net all the time. The "mother" I spoke to was actually a friend of one of the boys living in the apt. We finally tracked her down and my husband and I spent New Year's Eve driving from Slidell to San Antonio TX where she was told to meet us at the Greyhound station or I would be contacting the authorities to let them know that she was depressed and in danger or harming herself. It was the only thing I could do to get her to meet us in San Antonio. All I can say is God was watching out for her. I always knew she would be the one to make my hair go grey!! I used to wish I could have a tracking device implanted in her so I would know where she was.