19yo boys are clueless

[The Mystery Machine]

Don't try to stop him. Sounds like a dose of reality could help him tremendously. Don't help him though. When he has no money for rent, groceries, whatever, respond with this phrase: "Gee, that's tough. I remember when we were young and poor."

Ha, ha, ha...DH and I talk about that now like it is golden to our 9 & 14yodd's. Our first apartment... How we only brought a nasty couch from my parents family room, no TV, raccoons living in the chimney, and 14 people above us flushing toliets scalding us in the shower.

Then we say we hope you can have cool memories to look back on like us....

 

[HaleyB]

I imagine I am in for it with at least one of my 3. So far my oldest is being very responsible. Knock on wood. My 8 year old daughter has me kinda worried.

You know the teen years are a lot like the toddler years in some ways. You can't keep them from falling or they will never learn to walk. So buy him a suitcase and invite him for Sunday dinners

 

[Michie]

Guess I really should not complain because both my 21 and 19 year old do go to college and make good grades, both have jobs but still...they are so...daft. Really I dont understand Is there just nothing up there?

 

[Tiggeroo]

I am back in college. I was talking with some other 19yo boys today about a trip I took with my boys last spring when they were 18. I always take a large group of their friends to the outer banks every spring. This time we got a place with a hot tub. I should have known better. Their youth leader told me that he wouldn't get a place with a pool table.
Well one of the boys put a whole bottle of dish soap in the hot tub. He thought it would clean it as I was upset since a boy got into the hot tub in his wet suit. Well, how long do you think that mess took to clean up.
I told the boys in my class this story followed by the remark that 18yo boys are stupid. They tried to take offense at my remark but just couldn't.
And by the way I found out that my responsible son had his picture on collegehumor.com on his first week at college as a freshman for a fun thing called shopping cart ramping where you sit in a cart and are propelled into the bay over a beer keg ramp. His pic apparently was all over his school.

 

[Kteacher]

Boy do I feel your pain. i'm waiting for the day when our DS19 "gets it ". Right now he still thinks that " they " give you a job that pays all the bills and gives you good benefits the day you move out of your parents house. I think he gets this from my MIL, though. At Christmastime she asked him if his college guaranteed him a job when he graduates

 

[Kitty 34]

First of all: to you.


I have a 19 yr old DS and a 25 yr old DS. Believe me, my 25 yr old has given me more fits. Recently, he quit a very good paying insurance job because as your 19 yr old put it....he just wasn't working with "fun" people.

Like other posters have said......I don't think it's an age thing here...it's a gender issue!!

 

[poohandwendy]

Don't try to stop him. Sounds like a dose of reality could help him tremendously. Don't help him though. When he has no money for rent, groceries, whatever, respond with this phrase: "Gee, that's tough. I remember when we were young and poor."

ITA. It sounds like he is going nowhere under your roof and your words are falling on deaf ears. It happens. Some people just insist on taking the longest road. Sounds like your son is one of them.

If I were you, I would start by not thinking of him as a boy anymore. He is a young man now and needs to start acting like one. Unfortunately, that is going to have to start with you and your DH. Instead of pleading and bargaining with him, tell him the ground rules (ie no college, no free home or whatever your rules are ) and allow him to figure out what he is going to do and how he is going to do it. Then step back, bite your tongue until it bleeds and let him take care of himself. Sounds like it is time for tough love, it won't be easy but the lesson will be worth it in the long run. You can be there as a safety net, but don't allow him to think that you will pick up the pieces.

Btw, I was headstrong like him ad really had to get out on my own to grow up and realize that it was up to me.

It is not easy when they are leaving the nest. Sounds like that is exactly what he needs to do.

 

[mickeysgal]

I don't have much to add here other than I have a DS16 that I'm very concerned about in regards to how he will be able to "grow up" and support himself with a sustaining job that has health insurance. I'm even seeing immature behavior from DS10 (immature for a 10 year old). I have to wonder what his teen years are going to be like. I just think boys/men take far more time to grow up than girls. My brothers didn't pull themselves together until they were well into their 20's. I'm already wishing for those days when all they wanted to do is play with their toys and watch children's shows on TV.

 

[mtdevine615]

Time to ask him if he wants to go for a ride. And when you pull up in front of the Army recruting office maybe he will get the hint. I know he's only 19 but it's time to be a man. In my house it was either go to school or get a full time job. I chose the latter and realized that if I wanted anything more than dead-end jobs that I would have to go back to school, and that is what I did. It wasn't the easy way and not the way I would recommend but it worked for me.

 

[minkydog]

Time to ask him if he wants to go for a ride. And when you pull up in front of the Army recruting office maybe he will get the hint. I know he's only 19 but it's time to be a man. In my house it was either go to school or get a full time job. I chose the latter and realized that if I wanted anything more than dead-end jobs that I would have to go back to school, and that is what I did. It wasn't the easy way and not the way I would recommend but it worked for me.

I think he's planning to drop out of colleg, but doen'st want to tell us. I think that's why he won't register for classes. My rule is I pay for college as long as you're passing. So my guess is, he's not passing. He looked into the Navy & the Air Force, but with is psychiatric history(2 suicide attempts ) they won't take him...not that I blame them. Don't want a guy like that walking around with a bazooka.

Some boys has to learn the hard way and he's one of them, Im afraid. My brother was just like this, too, and he has had a hard, hard life. Too bad your kids can't learn from other people's mistakes

 

[MinnieM3]

With a DS17 and DD20, just let me say I feel your pain.

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

Did not read all the posts but just want to say:

I agree with the post that says take away the 19 in the title and change it to boys/men.

Also, the biggest gripe I have with this 19 year old BOY thing is that the law says they are responsible at 18!!! You cannot even call the doctor and find out results of tests, they are able to vote(scary) and for all intents and purposes they are adults. Jeeze...most of them cannot pick up their dirty underwear on the floor and we consider them adults???

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, I would say that it's probably a good idea to let him leave the nest and try and make it on his own, livig in a basement aprtment somewhere with his GF. The key phrase here is "make it on his own"...meaning no financial bail outs from mom & dad

Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way!!!

 

[minkydog]

Well, I would say that it's probably a good idea to let him leave the nest and try and make it on his own, livig in a basement aprtment somewhere with his GF. The key phrase here is "make it on his own"...meaning no financial bail outs from mom & dad

Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way!!!

I agree. Now any ideas for getting him to leave the nest? We have limited access to the car & the computer, I have stopped buying junk food, we have a 12mn curfew, we give him no money for gas or fun. I've stopped buying his clothes other than work clothes. We don't invite him to go out to eat with us unless we're also taking the other kids (sometimes I do take him out, just the two of us ) We're trying to make it less pleasant and wonderful to be at home, but so far, no luck

 

[Tiggeroo]

I might try the cutting off all access to money and extras like you are doing. See if a month of that gets him motivated. If not it's ultimatum time. Like I said, here I told son choices are full time work pt school, ft school pt work, or super ft work as much as you need to cover all expenses including rent and food money to live at home. Not the real world rate but maybe half of it. If this doesn't happen by a certain date you will be asked to leave. I might even give my son his first months rent and take him to a cheapy apt, around here there are alot of rooming houses you pay by the week.
When I told my son this at first he did the defensive, fine I'll move out then. I told him that would be sad but if he chooses that so be it. Then I spelled out on paper the expenses he would have living on his own and how many hours he'd have to work at 8. per hour to get that money.
I don't know if it worked. But he's actually been looking for work. His problem is he has a job for 7 months of the year. It will start up again in April. But he saved no money to live on for the rest of the year and I won't pay his bills for him after he was so foolish with his money.

 

[Mom2be]

It's your house - tell him that if he is not registered for classes and passing them, and not working then he better figure out where he is going to live. Give him a month to figure it out and if he doesn't meet the requirements then tell him he needs to move out. Tough love and it sucks but maybe he needs a little right now.

My brother had a difficult year at 18 and 19 - but he did survive. Now he's got a good job, and wonderful fiance, and adopted son and another baby on the way. He's happy - and that is what matters. College might not be for your son, (it wasn't for my brother or husband - they both went to tech school) but he needs to start figuring out what is for him and do it.

PAW - WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

~Amanda

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I had a boss once who had a little chick who was very reluctant to leave the nest. He had 5 children and he had always told them, I will support you as long as you are in college, then you are on your own. The first 4 did great, they all went to college or joined the military. The "baby" graduated and kind of stalled.

The boy went on a long weekend trip with a girlfriend. Boss and his wife were prepared. They found a nice, cheap 2 room apartment and paid the first few months rent and deposit. The weekend he was gone, they rented a U Haul and moved the kid.

The kid came home to a "present!" Congrats, your own place. Your paid up until ____________ . After that, the rent payments are your responsibility.

And the kid did go get a job, and then a better job, and then he took some classes.....

 

[ucfsweetie82]

I am just offerring my support. Hopefully he will come around and sign up for classes or get a job. If you can convince him to serve, he could very easily work 4-5 nights a week and pay his bills.
Here's my story:
I turned 18 graduated, and left two weeks later for UCF. The summer semester I did well, but in fall I made some friends that liked to go out alot and my grades fell. 3 semesters later I got kicked out for my grades. Through much support of my parents, I enrolled at the local community college, and got good grades and worked part time. After two years I earned and A.A. degree and an A.S. degree, and jumped through a lot of hoops and became a UCF student again. In Fall of 2006 I will have earned my B.S. in Communicative Disorders, and hopefully will be staying for grad school. It will either be UCF or Appalachian State in NC.
There is hope but my parents put it to me as long as your in school, we will support you, you drop out we no longer support you.
So I hope your DS comes around, and figures out what he wants to do with his life. It took me 3 majors.

 

[stego]

"we have to let our children dance the dance." He had shared with me and a number of men the "growing pains" of his adult daughter. I so NOT look forward to that day...but know that I am building on the foundation to push "the little bird" gently out of the nest, one day at a time.

 

[Sylvester McBean]

I'm 36 and still clueless. I was away in college at 19 but still wanted a weekly handout from mom and dad. my wife still complains I act the same when she met me when we were 21.