18 yo son troubles HELP PLEASE

[mickeyluvr004]

Ok here we go my DS 18 just this past saturday well my mom and i have adjoining house (in law sorta) well my mom is away for a month and i go next door to find my ds, his cousin(ex family) and a 15 yold girl (fully clothed) sleeping (ds in a lounge chair) and the cousin who is 22 mind you sleeping in my mothers bed i tell them to leave i was soo upset ok now my dh and i and our 2 dds 9 and 4 leave to go away for 2 nights i tell ds he needs to sleep at his real dads or older brother (brother said it was ok dad no help ) do not come here locked all doors, windows took keys well come home to (thinking someone broke in) things moved cat outside (she never goes out lonnng story) well can't find her (finally do outside) come to find out this 15 yold girl which i told son she was not allowed in his car as she is underage and she shouldn't be hangin with a 18 and 22 yold males where is her mother (apparnently doesn't care ) and forbid him to have her around well he gets in car accident guess who is with him yep you got it well he then tells me they were just going for a ride well long story somewhat short she tells the 22 yold mother that my son and her went in the jacuzzi and stayed next door this second night and that my son was drinking tequila (well i have to wait until mom gets back to ask if she had some i know i don't i don't drink and neither does mom) this girl insists it happened there is kinda proof that they were in hot tub my son is not coming clean and arguing with my husband saying hes not my dad i don't have to listen to him and right now hes not allowed to stay here until he confronts my husband and he wants to lay down the law with him IF he is even allowed to come back here i am feelin kinda guilty as he called me uncaring mother but i can't let him get away with this PLEASE any words of wisdom the first never gave me this kinda crap thats for sure what do i do

 

[PrincessTigerLily]

I don't have teenagers yet, but I am a momx3, and I say stick to your guns! You are ABSOLUTELY right in the matter of the 15yo, there is nothing but trouble and a potential police record in the future there. Sometimes its hard to remind ourselves that they will say things that aren't true: if you were uncaring you would allow your son to continue on this dangerous path. Your DH may not be his "real dad", but he is head of the household along with you and you are not expecting too much in asking him to live up to his end of whatever bargain you decide on. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[gk90]

Hang in there! I teach college freshmen and they act like they're adults--BUT they do need boundaries, limits and direction. And you set the limits for them because you do care!
Good luck with doing what you need to do!

 

[Frankiesmom]

Good Luck! MY Dstep-son didn't start acting like a fool till his summer break after his 1st year @ a Pre-med college- well needlesss to say- me, DH(his dad) really had to lay down the law-@ first we just chalked it up to needing to blow off some steam after a hard college load- well then he dropped a bombshell- he wasn't going back to college- he wanted to work- and we found out he started dating a 15 year old friend of my DD!!!! Well we said, sorry not here- if he wanted to date an underage girl he wasn't bringing her here! So he went to work- well I don't know what kind of $$ he thought he was going to make with no education- and dince he dropped out of school he would have to start paying his car payment and car ins- almost $450 a month. Well that lasted from june till sept and we all had a huge fight- he joined the marines; moved in with the underage girl and her family and went to boot camp last oct. He's hasn't spoken to us since- and we found out that him and this girl are engaged. Her parents love DSS; Her father is an ex marine- I guess that has something to do with it; but this girl was a handful for her parents for the past few years- so I think they're just happy to get rid of her. So, hopefully he'll grow up soon- hasn't happened yet- his father just gets this sad look when someone brings it up. What p/o'd me the most was that after he moved out- he couldn't even come over and say goodbye to his 2 little brothers who idolized him? They are 6 and 3 and were asking about him constantly! So, like I said- Good luck! A lot of older kids these days are totally spoiled brats and I guess they won't realize until they have kids?

 

[surfergirl602]

Well, your post is kind of hard to understand - but at 18 he needs to learn to be more respobsible. I don't think you are being a bad mother - you need to lay down the rules. He needs to abide by them!

 

[momtoBrandon&Jacob]

Ok here we go my DS 18 just this past saturday well my mom and i have adjoining house (in law sorta) well my mom is away for a month and i go next door to find my ds, his cousin(ex family) and a 15 yold girl (fully clothed) sleeping (ds in a lounge chair) and the cousin who is 22 mind you sleeping in my mothers bed i tell them to leave i was soo upset ok now my dh and i and our 2 dds 9 and 4 leave to go away for 2 nights i tell ds he needs to sleep at his real dads or older brother (brother said it was ok dad no help ) do not come here locked all doors, windows took keys well come home to (thinking someone broke in) things moved cat outside (she never goes out lonnng story) well can't find her (finally do outside) come to find out this 15 yold girl which i told son she was not allowed in his car as she is underage and she shouldn't be hangin with a 18 and 22 yold males where is her mother (apparnently doesn't care ) and forbid him to have her around well he gets in car accident guess who is with him yep you got it well he then tells me they were just going for a ride well long story somewhat short she tells the 22 yold mother that my son and her went in the jacuzzi and stayed next door this second night and that my son was drinking tequila (well i have to wait until mom gets back to ask if she had some i know i don't i don't drink and neither does mom) this girl insists it happened there is kinda proof that they were in hot tub my son is not coming clean and arguing with my husband saying hes not my dad i don't have to listen to him and right now hes not allowed to stay here until he confronts my husband and he wants to lay down the law with him IF he is even allowed to come back here i am feelin kinda guilty as he called me uncaring mother but i can't let him get away with this PLEASE any words of wisdom the first never gave me this kinda crap thats for sure what do i do

This is so hard to read - it is just one long sentence with no punctuation and hard on the eyes. I realize you're upset but please try to form your paragraphs with at least a little bit of grammar. Thanks!

 

[Redbudlover]

HI,
I am concerned about your son. You say he is 18 and that you were angry at him for being in your mother's house with his cousin and a girl 3 years younger than him. And I can understand that and there should be consequences. However I don't understand exactly where the boy lives and who takes care of him. You say you locked him out of your house for the weekend when you took off with your new husband and two daughters, telling him he was to stay with his brother?

I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would lock my own son out of his or my own house! He and his girlfriend are only three years apart in age. I don't see that as a problem. We all have at one time or another - and especially when we are teens - an auto accident. And when we do we need help. I am just wondering who is advising, counseling and helping this boy.... It sounds like there is so much drama going on that no one is thinking calmly. I find it strange that an 18 year old boy should be told he can't have anyone in his car who is under 18. I was raised by very strict parents and not allowed to date until I was 15 and then had curfews, but girls usually date older boys - and that means they are in cars with them. Am I the only one who does not have a problem with and 18 year old dating a 15 year old? It sounds like she has definitely paired off with your 18 year old son and not the 22 year old.... I am just wondering why this is being handled with so much drama and so little understanding....

 

[nessz79]

I think the OP is saying that she doesn't want him dating a 15 year old. The 15 year old or her parents could certainly accuse him of statutory rape at the least (depends on state). And 3 years difference in high school is actually a big difference. A 15 year old is not even close to what an 18 year old is like. A 15 year old is still a child, plain and simple, even if she looks or acts older.

I don't think OP is being dramatic. He's 18 and an adult. If he doesn't want to live by the parents' rules, then time to move out.

I don't have kids that age, but I am a high school teacher and trust me a 15 year old girl and an 18 year old boy are not as close in age as they seem.

 

[asmit4]

Check the laws in your state. This is very normal in most places (a 15yo dating an 18yo). I don't see a huge issue if the mom thinks it's ok. My niece started dating a 17yo at age 14. She is now 15 and he is 18 and no one is making a stink about it. He just graduated HS and she is entering 10th grade this year. They went to his prom together too- no issues.

Is this really an issue?

 

[PrincessTigerLily]

Yes, I really think it is an issue. As another poster stated, her son may (depending on the state they live in) at any time be arrested for statutory rape, don't you think that may be an issue? Even if the parents seem OK with it now, I have a friend whose cousin went through this exact situation, parents became upset at the older boy, and now he is a registered sex offender. Nothing to play with.

 

[swkmom]

I agree with checking the state laws, in our state the age difference has to be four or more years however the one who is younger has to be at least 14.

I also agree with others, the post was confusing and difficult to read however I do know you must be very upset and frustrated.

 

[Frankiesmom]

here in NY it's statuatory rape for anyone older than 17 to date anyone younger. Our issue was my DSS 18 dating a 15 year old; the girl's parents @ any time could have had him arrested. It's the law- and my DD is 15 and I darn sure wouldn't want her with an 18 year old boy- I would be the 1st 1 to call the police- and press charges!

 

[asmit4]

Well, lets be pragmatic about this- in general IMO- the laws SHOULD allow for a freshman to date a senior....WHY??? B/c it happens ALL THE TIME. Just go poll freshman girls about how many are dating senior football stars or even just regular seniors.....this has been going on since my mom was young and even before that. If the laws don't allow for that- then IMO-the law needs to be changed. BOTH of mine and my husbands parents were dating people that were seniors when they were freshman. I am sure MANY of you have examples too. I can't believe that my FIL could have been tagged a sex offender for life for dating his now wife 30 some years ago. The law is messed up!

Until then, I guess you might have a problem on your hands.

 

[asmit4]

here in NY it's statuatory rape for anyone older than 17 to date anyone younger. Our issue was my DSS 18 dating a 15 year old; the girl's parents @ any time could have had him arrested. It's the law- and my DD is 15 and I darn sure wouldn't want her with an 18 year old boy- I would be the 1st 1 to call the police- and press charges!

Are you serious??? WHAT do they do when a senior turns 18, but one of them doesn't turn 18 for 2 more months???? This can't be true?! There HAS to be some sort of leeway/loophole. I live in NY state and I can 100% say that if this is 'statutory rape', our HS has LOADS of CRIME.

 

[Frankiesmom]

yes, I'm totally serious- remember all the bill boards and the public service announcements before it became law! It's a really big deal- and I think it's a good law- 18 year old boys have noo business dating 14,15,16 year old girls.

 

[asmit4]

And here is the loophole- which I knew they had....

Under 17 years of age: New York law states that a person less than 17 years of age is legally incapable of consenting to sexual intercourse or other sexual contact. These laws are typically known as statutory rape laws.

If the victim is under 13, and the defendant is at least 18, this constitutes a 1st degree sexual offense. 1st degree crimes are considered the most serious ones and carry the longest penalties.
If the victim is under 15 and the perpetrator is at least 18, this constitutes a 2nd degree sexual offense. However, if the defendant is less than 4 years older than the victim, this may constitute an affirmative defense. Affirmative defenses are those in which the defendant introduces evidence which negates criminal liability.

A parent can claim statutory rape, but in the case above, the boy has been seeing/dating the girl for who knows how long and he could claim an affirmative defense and not have any criminal liability.

I still think it's absurd that an 18yo can't date a 16yo without the fear of possibly being arrested and having to use the affirmative defense. Thinking back to my HS days 15 years or so ago, I can't remember many girls at ALL that dated in their own age range. MOST of us dated guys at least 2 years older. That's just the way it was.

 

[DVC Sadie]

HI,
I am concerned about your son. You say he is 18 and that you were angry at him for being in your mother's house with his cousin and a girl 3 years younger than him. And I can understand that and there should be consequences. However I don't understand exactly where the boy lives and who takes care of him. You say you locked him out of your house for the weekend when you took off with your new husband and two daughters, telling him he was to stay with his brother?

I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would lock my own son out of his or my own house! He and his girlfriend are only three years apart in age. I don't see that as a problem. We all have at one time or another - and especially when we are teens - an auto accident. And when we do we need help. I am just wondering who is advising, counseling and helping this boy.... It sounds like there is so much drama going on that no one is thinking calmly. I find it strange that an 18 year old boy should be told he can't have anyone in his car who is under 18. I was raised by very strict parents and not allowed to date until I was 15 and then had curfews, but girls usually date older boys - and that means they are in cars with them. Am I the only one who does not have a problem with and 18 year old dating a 15 year old? It sounds like she has definitely paired off with your 18 year old son and not the 22 year old.... I am just wondering why this is being handled with so much drama and so little understanding....

The big PROBLEM is the fact that the OPs son is 18 and the girl is 15. Statuatory rape, jail time, having to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life and becoming a father are life altering experiences that I am sure the 18 year old boy is not yet ready to handle.

OP, hang in there and do set limits and boundaries for your son even if he is 18 years old.

 

[Louisianafive]

My oldest DD will be 15 in October and my DH and I would be livid if she were dating an 18 yr. old! Maybe it's different from the view of the parents of the girl!

 

[denegate]

In order to be charged with "statutory rape" one has to have sexual relations. Just "dating" as you imply does not constitute statutory rape charges regardless of age. No state can forbid dating.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Have to say I was a girl who started freshman year dating one senior, and ended freshman year dating another. I think this is absolutely crazy that someone could become a registered sex offender for DATING a girl. So it's okay for your daughter to get knocked up by another 15 year old, that's just teens having sex, but if she gets knocked up by an 18 year old that's statutory rape? You'd ruin his life because THEY made poor choices? I'd be curious to poll those who are so offended at this concept and see how many years' difference in age there is between you and your spouse. Everyone knows girls mentally mature much sooner than boys, so I think a 15 year old girl and 18 year old boy are probably about the same, mentally.