18 yo son troubles HELP PLEASE

[SplashMtnCrew]

I'd just about bet that anyone that doesn't see an issue with an 18yo male and a 15yo girl being together...doesn't have any sons! No way, would we be ok with that...DS has too much ahead of him in life to get mixed up with a child! What is wrong w/people??? IT IS ILLEGAL FOR AN 18yo TO BE WITH A MINOR! I wouldn't check state law, how about some common sense? There is no way an 18yo male has anything in common with a 15 little girl! At 18 you'll be preparing for college where the girls are 18-25years old and then some!


OP ~ Stand tough, make decisions out of love and concern and remember, this too shall pass

 

[PilotWife]

I think the OP is saying that she doesn't want him dating a 15 year old. The 15 year old or her parents could certainly accuse him of statutory rape at the least (depends on state). And 3 years difference in high school is actually a big difference. A 15 year old is not even close to what an 18 year old is like. A 15 year old is still a child, plain and simple, even if she looks or acts older.

I don't think OP is being dramatic. He's 18 and an adult. If he doesn't want to live by the parents' rules, then time to move out.

I don't have kids that age, but I am a high school teacher and trust me a 15 year old girl and an 18 year old boy are not as close in age as they seem.

I have to respectfully disagree with this - I think that girls are a lot more mature at an earlier age and are often 1-2 yrs ahead of their male counterparts socially...so therefore, 15 and 18 is not a "big" deal. Especially if she is on the verge of turning 16.

BUT I do have to agree with a PP also, that I cannot under any circumstances, see where a parent would "lock" a child out of the house for the weekend, especially where this child lives (If I am understanding this correctly) If you could not trust him in his home, why was he not going with you on your "trip" with the rest of the family living in the house. This could be a cause of resentment on your son's part, due to the lack of inclusion within the immediate family. My opinion is that, if you are going to not let him live in your home with your DH, and he has to "provide" for himself. Then he can make his own decisions, and you have no "control" or leverage over him. If he is living with Dad or older brother, then it is them who will make the rules. Just like there would be your rules for your house.

Oh - also I think that some of these parent need to advicate for 9th grade remaining in Middle/Jr High rather than being included in the high school. That might solve the problem of 15 yr olds being with 17/young 18 yr old seniors.


Just my opinion -
Jennifer

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'd just about bet that anyone that doesn't see an issue with an 18yo male and a 15yo girl being together...doesn't have any sons! No way, would we be ok with that...DS has too much ahead of him in life to get mixed up with a child! What is wrong w/people??? IT IS ILLEGAL FOR AN 18yo TO BE WITH A MINOR! I wouldn't check state law, how about some common sense? There is no way an 18yo male has anything in common with a 15 little girl! At 18 you'll be preparing for college where the girls are 18-25years old and then some!

You're right, I don't have a son, but I do have a daughter, who could end of being pregnant while your son goes off to college. Also, it'd not illegal for them to date; the problem doesn't come until there's sex. If you taught your son some self-control (as should the mother's of daughters), then this wouldn't be an issue.

 

[asmit4]

In order to be charged with "statutory rape" one has to have sexual relations. Just "dating" as you imply does not constitute statutory rape charges regardless of age. No state can forbid dating.

ahhh...and herein lies the issue at heart. Ok, I got ya now! I can say that many many kids I know that are 15/16 are dating 18yos....but most of them are not having sex yet.

Maybe we are just a backwards town in a suburb of Buffalo (my niece mentioned is from a suburb of Cleveland) but this type of dating 2 or 3 years ahead is very very normal. Especially for girls. Am I the only one that sees this as a 'normal' thing? From the posts, I guess so. hmmm....I'm gonna ask around, ask family and see what they think now on this.

As an aside, my SIL who is now 22, was dating a 19yo when she was 16. They had done a school play together when she was a freshman and he was a senior and they fell in love. They dated for 3 years. No one thought this was odd at all..., my girlfriend was 17 and was dating a 20yo..they are now married and have been for about 10 years, when I was in college at 18, I was dating a 24yo. We dated for almost 4 years, I will admit my mom wasn't 'thrilled' but she accepted him after she got to know hom...we must just be an odd family/town!

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

WARNING: If this becomes a fight the thread will be closed. If it strays into attack mode posts will be deleted and infractions may be given.

Please play nice!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Beth E.

Don't know if you've noticed, but I've noticed on this thread and another on the Budget Board, that the posts are all coming in in no particular order. I emailed the DIS Moderators, but just thought I'd point this out. Anyone else notice this too?

 

[asmit4]

Beth E.

Don't know if you've noticed, but I've noticed on this thread and another on the Budget Board, that the posts are all coming in in no particular order. I emailed the DIS Moderators, but just thought I'd point this out. Anyone else notice this too?

Yes, I thought it was very odd.

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

You're right, I don't have a son, but I do have a daughter, who could end of being pregnant while your son goes off to college. Also, it'd not illegal for them to date; the problem doesn't come until there's sex. If you taught your son some self-control (as should the mother's of daughters), then this wouldn't be an issue.

First of all let's point out that you don't have a son....BTW..I don't appriciate your insinuation about teaching my son self control.

The whole point of the OP's son and the 15yo girl is what was being discussed. Your reasoning for personally attacking my son is unclear, hopefully the Mod's will take notice of you.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

First of all let's point out that you don't have a son....BTW..I don't appriciate your insinuation about teaching my son self control.

The whole point of the OP's son and the 15yo girl is what was being discussed. Your reasoning for personally attacking my son is unclear, hopefully the Mod's will take notice of you.

I'm sorry if you thought my post was directed personally at your son. I have no idea how old your son even is! My point was supposed to be parents of sons versus parents of daughters, not my daughter and your son. Please accept my apology for not having been more clear in my post. I believe we, as parents, need to teach all of our children more self-control, regardless of gender.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Have to say I was a girl who started freshman year dating one senior, and ended freshman year dating another. I think this is absolutely crazy that someone could become a registered sex offender for DATING a girl. So it's okay for your daughter to get knocked up by another 15 year old, that's just teens having sex, but if she gets knocked up by an 18 year old that's statutory rape? You'd ruin his life because THEY made poor choices? I'd be curious to poll those who are so offended at this concept and see how many years' difference in age there is between you and your spouse. Everyone knows girls mentally mature much sooner than boys, so I think a 15 year old girl and 18 year old boy are probably about the same, mentally.

I so agree with you!

Girls do mature mentally faster then boys and because they do, they often seek to date older boys.

DATING older boys causes problems for the boys that are over 17 years of age if the parents of the girl files charges of statuatory rape or the girl becomes pregnant then the state can and in some cases file rape charges against this boy.

This 18 yr old boy can lose his future life due to a 5 minute liason with a 15 year old girl. It is not worth it for anyones child.

 

[karibritt01]

Beth E.

Don't know if you've noticed, but I've noticed on this thread and another on the Budget Board, that the posts are all coming in in no particular order. I emailed the DIS Moderators, but just thought I'd point this out. Anyone else notice this too?

I knew I was having trouble keeping up with some threads on DCL site, too. I would find things quoted and think I must have missed that post. Glad to know I'm not nuts!

 

[mickeyluvr004]

Hi Everyone, I want to thank you for all your advice. I also want to appologise for the long drawn out letter just venting. Ok let me clear things up here, #1 my son is NOT dating this girl the 22 yold cousin is
#2 my son was told after the first incident that due to the fact that this girl is in constant trouble and taking off and her mother doesn't care where she is all hours of the day that if anything happened to her i could potentially lose my house. some people are sue happy.
#3 i have found out that he was drinking and possibly driving, leaving from MY house another NO NO with this 15 year old girl and she went through my mothers dresser and wore her bathing suit (yuck) and went into the hot tub possibly drunk another NO NO
#4 this 22 year old has a history of getting into trouble and i asked him not to come back to my house he and his girlfriend were not welcome ( the last time that i saw this kid he was a baby and his mother was a very young single mother and she said she kicked him out of her house for basically the same reason plus other things)
#5 when he got into this accident she cut her head open still unsure as to what happened we are all going to sit down and discuss everything.
I know we all make mistakes hey i was no angel, but i did listen to my parents and respected them and still do, we live in Connecticut and im unsure of the laws here but again hanging with a 15 year old who he met through his 22 year old cousin, and an unattentive mother just doesn't sit well with me or my husband. the reason why we locked him out was because i do not trust him and he did have a place to go his brothers and his real fathers and if he needed my brothers so i did not just lock him out i did find other places for him to go if needed, he also stays at friends houses time to time if he didn't give me a reason not to trust him then that would be different but he knows how my mother and husband and i feel about strangers in our house, my husband has guns in the house due to his employment and we cannot afford to lose all of this and these kids were strangers.
All in all i hope i clarified this and i again appreciate all the kind words. Thanks

 

[maymom96]

What if the girl lies about them having sex. It's his word against hers and I don't think a judge would look too kindly on a 18 year old boy hanging out with a 15 year old girl.

 

[nessz79]

I think that clears things up OP. I think it basically comes down to you feeling that your son is not respecting your house rules. Since I assume he's already graduated from high school, I would give him the choice of abiding by your house rules while he's living with you or finding his own place.

 

[DisneyBrat]

I am sorry for what you're having to face as a mom right now. I also know what tough love is all about too. My 19 yo step son was asked to go live with his mother this past November because of his not wanting to follow house rules and making our home a battleground daily. When we finally came to the realization that Justin didn't want to live here, we knew that it was our only choice.

We had given him chance after chance for many years. He didn't want to do anything around the house except watch tv,play video games ect.. We wanted him to go to college because he has a God given tallent with Physics. The kid could be a rocket scientist if he wanted too. He just fought with his brothers, myself and husband EVERYDAY...

He came home to visit for the first time in 6 months and NOTHING has changed. The whole weekend was him causing chaos again. My kids,hubby and I were all tense and just out of our normal peaceful feel the entire weekend. Justin hit the ground running with doing deliberate things to all of us. My husband told him before the next visit he needed to check his attitude and actions or not come back.

This is so heartbreaking because he has a loving side too. We sent him to couseling before he left but NOTHING worked.


Long story short you have to come to the point of saying OK if he REALLY wants to be here then HE will change and follow rules. Sometimes we have to let them find out on their own that hey life at home wasn't that bad.


Good Luck with your son! I love my stepson and our motto from the first day I married his dad was no divisions in our family. My 2 stepsons call me mom now and really come to me for love and support. Sending him to his mothers was the hardest thing for me and my husband but we had no other options. Sad part too is that Justin's doing the same things there and causing his mom and her husband problems too. He calls asking us what should he do.. One day he might get the picture its not everyone else but its his behavioral problems causing his unhappiness.

Lew

 

[Tricia911]

You sound like a good parent to be so concerned. Personally I would report a 22 year old with a 15 year old to child protective services. That falls under child abuse if they are sexually active. Since they are drinking, sex is most likely happening. Listen to your heart, it will stear you right.

Hi Everyone, I want to thank you for all your advice. I also want to appologise for the long drawn out letter just venting. Ok let me clear things up here, #1 my son is NOT dating this girl the 22 yold cousin is
#2 my son was told after the first incident that due to the fact that this girl is in constant trouble and taking off and her mother doesn't care where she is all hours of the day that if anything happened to her i could potentially lose my house. some people are sue happy.
#3 i have found out that he was drinking and possibly driving, leaving from MY house another NO NO with this 15 year old girl and she went through my mothers dresser and wore her bathing suit (yuck) and went into the hot tub possibly drunk another NO NO
#4 this 22 year old has a history of getting into trouble and i asked him not to come back to my house he and his girlfriend were not welcome ( the last time that i saw this kid he was a baby and his mother was a very young single mother and she said she kicked him out of her house for basically the same reason plus other things)
#5 when he got into this accident she cut her head open still unsure as to what happened we are all going to sit down and discuss everything.
I know we all make mistakes hey i was no angel, but i did listen to my parents and respected them and still do, we live in Connecticut and im unsure of the laws here but again hanging with a 15 year old who he met through his 22 year old cousin, and an unattentive mother just doesn't sit well with me or my husband. the reason why we locked him out was because i do not trust him and he did have a place to go his brothers and his real fathers and if he needed my brothers so i did not just lock him out i did find other places for him to go if needed, he also stays at friends houses time to time if he didn't give me a reason not to trust him then that would be different but he knows how my mother and husband and i feel about strangers in our house, my husband has guns in the house due to his employment and we cannot afford to lose all of this and these kids were strangers.
All in all i hope i clarified this and i again appreciate all the kind words. Thanks

 

[asmit4]

22 and 15 is a A LOT more problematic. I thought we were talking about a sophmore in HS dating a just graduated senior. 22 is a just graduated college student! (well, he could be, as I was). I couldn't imagine any reason that a 22yo would WANT to be with a 15yo. When I was 22, the idea of being with a highschooler? Well, it wasn't even an idea! LOL!

I'd pay careful attention to this situation as it could get out of hand very easily. Plus-if you KNOW they are all drinking at your house? (at least the 15yo and 18yo) well, in OH at least, you COULD be arrested. Not sure about your state but in OH the only person you can serve liquor to in your house is your OWN underage child...at least that's how it was 10 years ago. Things may have changed now. I would seriously consider calling the cops next time you see them drinking. Ending up in jail would be terrible!

Goodluck!

 

[ERMama]

Tell them if you find them there again, you will call the cops. Then do it.
I would have a real heart to heart with your son and let him know that what hes doing now does have consequences and that a criminal record stays with you for life (if he doesnt wise up).

Underage drinking, and especially underage drinking AND driving. No way I would tolerate either and would definately call the cops.

As an ER nurse Ive seen way too many people die, especially young people.