13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[kmp1191]

Wait until the water buckets start to freeze. Breaking ice is sooo much fun.

Oh.....I think I'll save that little tidbit of info!!

 

[Buckalew11]

This is one happy update! And you were doubting your parenting skills... You are a super mom who loves her son. I am so impressed with you both!

 

[Katy Belle]

Hi Marie,
x I'm proud of you! I am a huge believer in consequences and the power of actually following through. I went to a parenting class when DS13 was 10 months old and they talked about this stuff. It worked then it still works now. It is HARD. This has been work for you, but look at how its paying off already! Your son IS worth it and you can do this! I an so pleased that you are seeing good results.

It seems to me that the work with the horses is really giving him some purpose and something meaningful to do. What a great thing!

Hang in there!
Katy

 

[kmp1191]

It's been 43 days and tonight DS asked when I thought he'd be getting his iPOD back. I'm not sure yet. He has been doing a good job at the barn with the horses & the chores.....although I'd like more hay duty.... ....I just don't know that he's earned it yet. I'm still getting the eye roll and disgusted sigh whenever I ask him to do something....and he still cannot talk to his sister in a decent tone, even when she's being nice....which is not very often.
I guess both of those things are "normal".

I've given him other privileges.....limited computer time, yearbook staff at school...complete w/ the use of our camera, Halloween party this weekend...I
still think it's early for the iPOD.....what do you think?

Oh, and no....he's not done working for TLSnell.....he enjoys it, and looks forward to it!

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Marie,

I'm not sure what I'd do. Part of me says, easy...kiddo, you're never getting it back. The other part of me says he can earn it back...but it's going to take a good 6 months of hard labor...otherwise it's too easy.

Even though he's been "walking the straight and narrow" the fact of the matter is that it really hasn't been all that long...particularly in comparison to the "crime."

Maybe that's the way to look at it....if he was "convicted" of his crime by a court, how long would he have to serve? Even given time off for "good behavior" my hunch is his sentence would be 6 months. Maybe you could ask him to do some research into this...so he understands what could have happened in the "real" world?

I guess what I'm wondering is if he thinks he should already get it back, does he really understand how serious his offense was?

Sorry, just my $.02.

Karen

 

[Buckalew11]

Nah, it is not time. Tell him to watch it or you'll homeschool him.

So happy to hear he is doing so well except with the normal stuff. I have a nephew who is a wonderful, loving, sweet 16 yo boy yet he is a jerk to his sisters. I guess that's the way some brothers are. My 14yo DD and him get along great.
My other sister's son and DD get along and rarely fight. I often wonder why some do and some don't.

 

[kmp1191]

Nah, it is not time. Tell him to watch it or you'll homeschool him.

So happy to hear he is doing so well except with the normal stuff. I have a nephew who is a wonderful, loving, sweet 16 yo boy yet he is a jerk to his sisters. I guess that's the way some brothers are. My 14yo DD and him get along great.
My other sister's son and DD get along and rarely fight. I often wonder why some do and some don't.

I think he'd rather go from the horse barn to the elephant enclosure at the zoo before he'd let me homeschool him!!
DH and I both agree.....it's still too early.

Time will tell.

 

[RUDisney]

My DS's transgressions started in May, though we found out about them in August. He also stole a lot more than your DS. We told him that he was grounded for a year. He has done his community service work and has started to earn back PC and TV time. He did not get to go out with his friends for Halloween, he has not gone to a football game or dance. He is not done paying for his crime yet, either.

We took our DS for counseling and the psych said he had no evidence of abandonment disorders or attachment disorders because of his adoption at age 6. He was just being a stupid 13 yo.

We plan to keep him under house arrest until Christmas. On Christmas morning, he'll wake up and open his gifts and find a freedom card, effective January 1st.

He has been very good about everything we've asked of him. He does extra projects around the house willingly and he's very contrite about his errors. We believe that right now it's still too early to give him his freedom, but we believe that the end of the year will be the proper time for it.

I don't think our DS has felt enough pain yet for his crime. I think that 5.5 months is a good sentence for him.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

one time I told my DD when she was about that age that if she acted so immature, I'd come to school and hold her hand and together we'd "remember" to bring the home work home.

You should have seen the look on her face.

The next day, I asked her what time I should meet her at school.

After that, "remembering" apparently was no longer a problem for her......

 

[Geef]

Just wondering how your son is doing. I hope all is well.

 

[kmp1191]

Thanks for checking!
He's doing MUCH better! He still thinks his sister is the anti-christ and was put on this earth to annoy him til the day he dies, and we are getting better with the homework issues. I found out today he's not studying like he should be, but the grades aren't TERRIBLE. (B's, C's & D in math) We will go over that tonight.

I asked him this weekend if he honestly hated working at the barn. He said no, he liked it most of the time. I guess he still has flashbacks of unloading the hay, and he doesn't like being outside there at night...very dark and he spooks easily. (*thought the barn dog was a wild animal waiting to eat him!*lol) He didn't come right out and say it, but I think he enjoys the responsibility, and the time away from his sister.

As for the dishonesty and trust issues, he's working on them. We've allowed him to stay home by himself a couple of times and he's allowed computer time a couple of hours on the weekend. He still has the eye-roll and disgusted sigh, but we're working on them. (I don't think those ever go away!)

Now then....DH and I are going to get him an iPOD docking station / stereo / alarm clock for Christmas, (the iPOD will be charged and in the box with the stereo), and I got him a couple of t-shirts, but other than that, I am at a total loss as to what to get him! I guess some jeans and a cool sweatshirt or 2. Give me some ideas! 13 yr old boys are just hard to buy for!!

Thanks for checking in on him....he's getting there!

marie

 

[KATHINOWA]

Glad to hear he's earning your trust little by little.

As the mother of a 13 year old DS I am well acquainted with the eye roll. Every question or comment is perceived as a personal attack.

I'm struggling with my own gift giving issues so I can't really help with that.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

 

[kmp1191]

I'm thinking of charging him for every eye roll and deep sigh...
$5.00 per eye roll....$5.00 per sigh....He will either be working for TLSnell forever, or I'll be a millionaire by January!!

 

[TomLovesBecky]

I would keep the iPod for myself and make him pay back the money.

 

[barkley]

i have to agree with the p.p.-i would'nt be giving him the ipod or anything related to it for christmas. because of the issues surrounding the situation i realy think it's something he has to earn back through his actions vs. getting it back as a gift (after all it was a gift in the first place and he behaved in an illegal and irresponsible manner which resulted in it's loss). i also would'nt consider writing off any of the debt (if it has'nt been repaid as yet) as a gift-he could opt to repay it in part or portion from any monies he might receive from others for christmas.

i may be harsh on this issue, but i have a sibling who has pulled this kind of stuff for decades, and i suspect if my parents had'nt given him back (or pulled out of hock) stuff he had taken away as a youth (or written off credit card debt he did on their cards/money he stole from their accounts) as birthday and holiday gifts he would'nt have the mind set now that 'its no big deal', 'they'll forget about it by the holidays', 'they would have spent that much on my christmas present anyhow, i just gifted myself early'....

 

[kmp1191]

Now I'm really at a loss.
I wasn't going to give him the iPOD as a Christmas gift...but put it with the radio...but now I'm having second thoughts on that. I agree, he has to work to earn it back, and he has been working, and will continue to work.
I was just thinking....new year, new start....but now I'm not sure.
I don't expect my kids to be perfect....or do I?


*sigh*
marie

 

[pearlieq]

*sigh*

That'll be 5 bucks, please.

In all seriousness, I admire your perserverence and dedication with your DS. Parenting is definitley not for weenies!

Good luck with the Christmas ideas!

 

[SC Minnie]

Now I'm really at a loss.
I wasn't going to give him the iPOD as a Christmas gift...but put it with the radio...but now I'm having second thoughts on that. I agree, he has to work to earn it back, and he has been working, and will continue to work.
I was just thinking....new year, new start....but now I'm not sure.
I don't expect my kids to be perfect....or do I?


*sigh*
marie

I have a 14yo girl. Personally if I was in your situation and she had been working really hard to earn the trust back and not really complaining about the 'job' that much (they have to complain some- I think its in a teenager's DNA ) I would give the iPod back at Christmas with restrictions. No use of iTunes period end of discussion. If there is a new song he wants he has to go through you to get it. Change the password on iTunes so he can't sneak when he is allowed computer time. If you don't start giving him some things back as a reward for working hard to earn your trust then he will get frustrated and give up. JMHO

And by the way, good job!

 

[Evil Genius]

No way would he be getting that Ipod back just yet. When all monetary debts are paid, then the discussion can begin about getting it back.

 

[audrabolster]

It could be MUCH worse! I used to do billing for adult websites, and you wouldn't believe the number of calls we got from mothers whose sons had purchased more than $500 worth of adult chats and website subscriptions!

I would just take away the electronics for a while- I wouldn't sell it yet!

At work, we also told the parents, that by them using the card without their authorization is fraud and the kid could get in trouble!