13 yr old grounded for life-20 months later~post 258!!

[WDSearcher]

You guys are the best! I love the "keep it and make it sparkle!" idea!!

I've been doing some research and I'm waiting for some replies, but here is my current plan.
1) iPOD, phone, computer, tv access, video games-all gone indefinately.
2) He no longer has a lock on his door. It's my house, I pay the mortgage, he currently has no rights. He will have to earn the right to have privacy.
3) He will not be left alone for any reason. I don't care if I'm going to the corner to buy feminine products, he can tag along and enjoy the ride!
4)He will have a LONG list of chores to do...at no pay. I may even make him clean his sisters room! (toilets and dishes are already on the list!)
5) I sent an e-mail to our church asking them if he would be able to volunteer for the uban ministries program. They start this weekend working on an apartment complex in the north part of town. (low income/section 8, a lot of homeless people in the area, not something he's used to at all.)A lot of demo work, cleaning up, hard, manual, sweaty labor. If they approve it, he will be doing that every Saturday until it is finished.
6) I am going to talk to the people that own the horse farm on the corner and find out if they need anyone to clean the stalls for free. I'm going to explain to them what he did, and I don't expect them to pay for his stupidity, but I do want them to keep a tab on how much they would have paid someone to do this type of work. When he gets to the amount that he owes me, then we'll discuss the next step.
7) In October there is a weekend Showcase of Dogs coming into town. I am in the process of contacting them to find out if they will allow a 13 yr old to assist with poop duties, or something else that is NOT fun.

My husband is a police officer and he asked DS last night if he wanted to go to jail. DS of course said no. DH explained to him that a class a misdemeanor is 11 months 29 days in jail and $1000.00 fine. When I talked to DS tonight when I got home from work I asked him what he thought the punishment should be....he said lose the iPOD and phone for a week or two. AFTER I got done laughing, I explained that was a very simple punishment for a very MAJOR crime. Then I explained to him what I had on my mind....when I told him about the horse farm, he started crying and said "NO!" I told him it wasn't a choice.
I told him that I loved him very much, but that I was more disappointed in him than he could ever imagine. I told him not only did he steal from me, he lied to me, and he tried to cover it all up...decieved me....and that it was going to take a VERY VERY long time for me to trust him again.

Oh....when we set up the iTUNES account, I bypassed the credit card part and entered the "redeem gift card" information. I told him that the only way he would be allowed to buy something was if he had an iTUNES gift card. THAT's how I know he stole the credit card.....plus he confessed.
I am also going to take a half day off work tomorrow and completely clean out his room. Again, it's my house and he has lost all privilges in it, with the exception of eating, bathing and sleeping.


I'll update more later. Hopefully I'll hear back from the church tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks again!
m

This all sounds great, but at no point here to do mention actually talking to your son and asking him why he did this. Obviously, he doesn't think it was a major deal, since he set his own possible punishment so low. But I would think getting to the root of why he thought it was okay to do this would be paramount in solving the problem. Just don't get so caught up in designing the perfect punishment that you forget to find out WHY the crime occured in the first place. People always forget that part.

If I did something wrong as a kid, I had to write 1000 words on why I did what I did. This was in addition to any other punishment. My parents wanted me to think about why I did the wrong thing -- what led me to the conclusion that what I was doing was acceptable. "I don't know why" was not a valid answer. I had to describe my thought process and if I even considered the ramifications. It's an interesting exercise -- to have to explain why you chose to lie about where you were or why you chose to break curfew or whatever. To have to put into words why you did something wrong usually makes it sound way more stupid.

 

[horseshowmom]

This all sounds great, but at no point here to do mention actually talking to your son and asking him why he did this. Obviously, he doesn't think it was a major deal, since he set his own possible punishment so low. But I would think getting to the root of why he thought it was okay to do this would be paramount in solving the problem. Just don't get so caught up in designing the perfect punishment that you forget to find out WHY the crime occured in the first place. People always forget that part.

If I did something wrong as a kid, I had to write 1000 words on why I did what I did. This was in addition to any other punishment. My parents wanted me to think about why I did the wrong thing -- what led me to the conclusion that what I was doing was acceptable. "I don't know why" was not a valid answer. I had to describe my thought process and if I even considered the ramifications. It's an interesting exercise -- to have to explain why you chose to lie about where you were or why you chose to break curfew or whatever. To have to put into words why you did something wrong usually makes it sound way more stupid.

I know what you mean, but honestly, I suspect he did it because he wanted those songs and was naive enough to think he could get away with it. And, as far as setting his punishment so low, I think he was looking after his own interests there. Very few "criminals" are really going to choose to set an appropriate punishment. JMHO though.

 

[kmp1191]

I know what you mean, but honestly, I suspect he did it because he wanted those songs and was naive enough to think he could get away with it. And, as far as setting his punishment so low, I think he was looking after his own interests there. Very few "criminals" are really going to choose to set an appropriate punishment. JMHO though.

Yeah-I did ask him why he did it. First he said he didn't know why. Then he said because it was cool stuff and he didn't want to have to wait to get it. I said, WOW...you couldn't wait to get it, so you stole it...now you don't have it anyway!! Guess you should have waited til you earned it!
He asked me this morning why he had to do manual labor as punishment instead of just losing the items. I said it's easy to take something away for a period of time...you don't get the joy of having it. BUT, if I make you do hard work for a few weeks, every time a drop of sweat gets in your eyes, every time you find a new blister on your hand, and every morning that you wake up with sore muscles, you will remember WHY you feel this way and WHAT you did to get to this point. I also told him that I worked on a farm growing up and NOT ONCE DID I EVER CONSIDER SNEAKING AND STEALING FROM MY PARENTS!! Oh...and something that even amazed my husband...I never raised my voice during all of this.
And yes, I've told him I love him, and I've given him hugs, and I explained that I will never stop loving him no matter how many stupid things he does, but when he does something dishonest, he will expect to get punished for it. His actions are his own. He has no one to blame for this but himself and I will not feel guilty about punishing him for it.

later ya'll!
marie

 

[horseshowmom]

Yeah-I did ask him why he did it. First he said he didn't know why. Then he said because it was cool stuff and he didn't want to have to wait to get it. I said, WOW...you couldn't wait to get it, so you stole it...now you don't have it anyway!! Guess you should have waited til you earned it!
He asked me this morning why he had to do manual labor as punishment instead of just losing the items. I said it's easy to take something away for a period of time...you don't get the joy of having it. BUT, if I make you do hard work for a few weeks, every time a drop of sweat gets in your eyes, every time you find a new blister on your hand, and every morning that you wake up with sore muscles, you will remember WHY you feel this way and WHAT you did to get to this point. I also told him that I worked on a farm growing up and NOT ONCE DID I EVER CONSIDER SNEAKING AND STEALING FROM MY PARENTS!! Oh...and something that even amazed my husband...I never raised my voice during all of this.
And yes, I've told him I love him, and I've given him hugs, and I explained that I will never stop loving him no matter how many stupid things he does, but when he does something dishonest, he will expect to get punished for it. His actions are his own. He has no one to blame for this but himself and I will not feel guilty about punishing him for it.

later ya'll!
marie

You may have taught him another lesson as well. There are a lot of people in this world who have gotten themselves into financial difficulties because they didn't want to have to wait to get it. That may be an extra benefit - learning that you need to wait until you actually have the money.

ETA: You said that he asked you why he couldn't just lose the items. I realize that you know this, so I'm preaching to the choir here (as they say), but just "losing the items" was no punishment. He didn't have the songs before he stole your credit card, so he was basically no worse off than before (other than the ipod, of course, and even with that he would only be out something that he didn't have before you gave it to him). All in all, it would have just been a wash. That punishment you're going to provide him with actually makes him "pay" for what he did. That's a good lesson to learn now rather than later. Good for you!

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Yeah-I did ask him why he did it. First he said he didn't know why. Then he said because it was cool stuff and he didn't want to have to wait to get it. I said, WOW...you couldn't wait to get it, so you stole it...now you don't have it anyway!! Guess you should have waited til you earned it!
He asked me this morning why he had to do manual labor as punishment instead of just losing the items. I said it's easy to take something away for a period of time...you don't get the joy of having it. BUT, if I make you do hard work for a few weeks, every time a drop of sweat gets in your eyes, every time you find a new blister on your hand, and every morning that you wake up with sore muscles, you will remember WHY you feel this way and WHAT you did to get to this point. I also told him that I worked on a farm growing up and NOT ONCE DID I EVER CONSIDER SNEAKING AND STEALING FROM MY PARENTS!! Oh...and something that even amazed my husband...I never raised my voice during all of this.
And yes, I've told him I love him, and I've given him hugs, and I explained that I will never stop loving him no matter how many stupid things he does, but when he does something dishonest, he will expect to get punished for it. His actions are his own. He has no one to blame for this but himself and I will not feel guilty about punishing him for it.

later ya'll!
marie

Marie, you are a strong person and a great mom! I hope if my DS ever does anything like this I will handle it with the same grace you have. Unfortunately, I fear I'd be so angry that I wouldn't handle it as well as you have.

Hugs to you! And, as my mom reminds me the best job in the world is being a mom...the hardest job in the world is also being a mom!

K

 

[kmp1191]

You may have taught him another lesson as well. There are a lot of people in this world who have gotten themselves into financial difficulties because they didn't want to have to wait to get it. That may be an extra benefit - learning that you need to wait until you actually have the money.

ETA: You said that he asked you why he couldn't just lose the items. I realize that you know this, so I'm preaching to the choir here (as they say), but just "losing the items" was no punishment. He didn't have the songs before he stole your credit card, so he was basically no worse off than before (other than the ipod, of course, and even with that he would only be out something that he didn't have before you gave it to him). All in all, it would have just been a wash. That punishment you're going to provide him with actually makes him "pay" for what he did. That's a good lesson to learn now rather than later. Good for you!

Thanks....that was my way of thinking as well.

 

[kmp1191]

Marie, you are a strong person and a great mom! I hope if my DS ever does anything like this I will handle it with the same grace you have. Unfortunately, I fear I'd be so angry that I wouldn't handle it as well as you have.

Hugs to you! And, as my mom reminds me the best job in the world is being a mom...the hardest job in the world is also being a mom!

K

oh...i don't know about the strong person. every time i think about it i want to break down and cry. every time he looks at the floor and asks a question, it stabs a little deeper.
I've only told a couple of my friends here, and none of them know how I didn't choke the crap out of him. One guy said he'd beat the sh*& out of him if it were his kid. I said...yeah...but he still wouldn't learn the lesson of working hard for something only to give it away, or have it taken away.
My DH asked me today how I was holding up...I just looked at him and said...I feel like a prison warden...it sucks! He laughed...he's a cop, so he knows. He, and a few of his buddies agree 110% with my plan. They can't wait to see DS after his first day of work!

Ok...i'm in the process of re-arranging his room now....minus the tv & playstaion. He will have his radio and his books. Thats all a kid needs anyway.

 

[SamIAm21]

You guys are the best! I love the "keep it and make it sparkle!" idea!!

I've been doing some research and I'm waiting for some replies, but here is my current plan.
1) iPOD, phone, computer, tv access, video games-all gone indefinately.
2) He no longer has a lock on his door. It's my house, I pay the mortgage, he currently has no rights. He will have to earn the right to have privacy.
3) He will not be left alone for any reason. I don't care if I'm going to the corner to buy feminine products, he can tag along and enjoy the ride!
4)He will have a LONG list of chores to do...at no pay. I may even make him clean his sisters room! (toilets and dishes are already on the list!)
5) I sent an e-mail to our church asking them if he would be able to volunteer for the uban ministries program. They start this weekend working on an apartment complex in the north part of town. (low income/section 8, a lot of homeless people in the area, not something he's used to at all.)A lot of demo work, cleaning up, hard, manual, sweaty labor. If they approve it, he will be doing that every Saturday until it is finished.
6) I am going to talk to the people that own the horse farm on the corner and find out if they need anyone to clean the stalls for free. I'm going to explain to them what he did, and I don't expect them to pay for his stupidity, but I do want them to keep a tab on how much they would have paid someone to do this type of work. When he gets to the amount that he owes me, then we'll discuss the next step.
7) In October there is a weekend Showcase of Dogs coming into town. I am in the process of contacting them to find out if they will allow a 13 yr old to assist with poop duties, or something else that is NOT fun.

My husband is a police officer and he asked DS last night if he wanted to go to jail. DS of course said no. DH explained to him that a class a misdemeanor is 11 months 29 days in jail and $1000.00 fine. When I talked to DS tonight when I got home from work I asked him what he thought the punishment should be....he said lose the iPOD and phone for a week or two. AFTER I got done laughing, I explained that was a very simple punishment for a very MAJOR crime. Then I explained to him what I had on my mind....when I told him about the horse farm, he started crying and said "NO!" I told him it wasn't a choice.
I told him that I loved him very much, but that I was more disappointed in him than he could ever imagine. I told him not only did he steal from me, he lied to me, and he tried to cover it all up...decieved me....and that it was going to take a VERY VERY long time for me to trust him again.

Oh....when we set up the iTUNES account, I bypassed the credit card part and entered the "redeem gift card" information. I told him that the only way he would be allowed to buy something was if he had an iTUNES gift card. THAT's how I know he stole the credit card.....plus he confessed.
I am also going to take a half day off work tomorrow and completely clean out his room. Again, it's my house and he has lost all privilges in it, with the exception of eating, bathing and sleeping.


I'll update more later. Hopefully I'll hear back from the church tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks again!
m

I gotta agree! You are my hero too! This hard time for him will pay off in ways you can't imagine now. He will learn a very valuable lesson and maybe somewhere down the line, he may be tempted to do something even more heinous and will decide to tow the line/walk the straight and narrow rather than risk losing your trust again and having to work his A$$ off to regain it.

Also, why is it that Mom's cry in the shower?

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

Also, why is it that Mom's cry in the shower?

I don't know...maybe because that's the only place we ever have any privacy?

 

[kmp1191]

I don't know...maybe because that's the only place we ever have any privacy?

Privacy...what is that?

Good thing I went through his room today....just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. His top dresser drawer is his "stuff". The kid is a fricking pack rat! Well, I found all sorts of Ninetendo DS games....games I didn't buy him.
When he got home from school I asked him where they came from. He said a friend of his "gave" him 4. I said so...where did the rest come from? Down goes the eyes and out comes the truth! HE TOOK THEM FROM MY NIECE IN ILLINOIS EARLIER THIS SUMMER!! Jeezie peetes!! It's not like we don't buy the damn kid stuff!! He had 6 fricking games that he took from her!! He is adament that he didn't steal them from the other kid, and that my other niece gave him one of them, but the fact still remains that there were 6 games that he took!! STOLE!! My DH is LIVID right now. I don't know what the hell to do now!!
I still want him to do the manual labor, but I'm really thinking that DH needs to take him downtown and see what really happens when you steal!!

dammit!

mods~please excuse my language...it's been a BAD day!

eta:I gave his DS and all of the games that were actually his to his sister.

 

[Amlee]

Privacy...what is that?

Good thing I went through his room today....just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. His top dresser drawer is his "stuff". The kid is a fricking pack rat! Well, I found all sorts of Ninetendo DS games....games I didn't buy him.
When he got home from school I asked him where they came from. He said a friend of his "gave" him 4. I said so...where did the rest come from? Down goes the eyes and out comes the truth! HE TOOK THEM FROM MY NIECE IN ILLINOIS EARLIER THIS SUMMER!! Jeezie peetes!! It's not like we don't buy the damn kid stuff!! He had 6 fricking games that he took from her!! He is adament that he didn't steal them from the other kid, and that my other niece gave him one of them, but the fact still remains that there were 6 games that he took!! STOLE!! My DH is LIVID right now. I don't know what the hell to do now!!
I still want him to do the manual labor, but I'm really thinking that DH needs to take him downtown and see what really happens when you steal!!

dammit!

mods~please excuse my language...it's been a BAD day!

eta:I gave his DS and all of the games that were actually his to his sister.

I know this is hard and stressing for you and hubby. But be glad you have caught all of this now. He is still young enough to have the fear of Mom and Dad in him. A few years more and it might have been too late.

Maybe a trip to "jail" might do him some good.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Oh, honey. Many more , and a honkin' glass of wine (bet you've switched to harder stuff by now....).

 

[kmp1191]

I'm out of rum...."Why is the rum always gone?" (my favorite line!)
DH wants to come home and beat the pooh out of him.
I want a friend of DH's...that DS doesn't know, come over in uniform and arrest him....do the handcuffs and everything...then have him drive him to where DH is working.
Would that get the point across or scar him for life?

I'm about to really loose it here guys....I've really remained calm since Sunday....
I have to get out of the house for a few minutes.....

 

[clh2]

Just don't make jail look better than the manual labor...KWIM?

Sorry to hear about the new developments! Hang in there and keep on being a good parent.

 

[Amlee]

I'm out of rum...."Why is the rum always gone?" (my favorite line!)
DH wants to come home and beat the pooh out of him.
I want a friend of DH's...that DS doesn't know, come over in uniform and arrest him....do the handcuffs and everything...then have him drive him to where DH is working.
Would that get the point across or scar him for life?

I'm about to really loose it here guys....I've really remained calm since Sunday....
I have to get out of the house for a few minutes.....

I would play it that your neice reported the games stolen, and pretend that once she found out she contacted the local police. You will have to play your role. But if done right, it should get the point across to him.

Honestly you want something like this to scar him for life. You want him to remember forever what happens if you break the law.

 

[barkley]

when you get ready to cut the kid a break and let him go on a vacation consider coming to eastern washington for a visit-i have 10 acres of land he can move rocks on to occupy his time-quail poop covered rocks, chipmunk poop covered rocks, owl poop covered rocks, deer poop covered rocks, AND THE GRANDDADDY OF THE ALL-MOOSE POOP COVERED ROCKS (moose poop is to horse poop what dog poop is to mouse poop)

 

[kmp1191]

when you get ready to cut the kid a break and let him go on a vacation consider coming to eastern washington for a visit-i have 10 acres of land he can move rocks on to occupy his time-quail poop covered rocks, chipmunk poop covered rocks, owl poop covered rocks, deer poop covered rocks, AND THE GRANDDADDY OF THE ALL-MOOSE POOP COVERED ROCKS (moose poop is to horse poop what dog poop is to mouse poop)

What are you doing over the Christmas holidays?

 

[barkley]

What are you doing over the Christmas holidays?

planning on sitting with you, your dh in our nice warm house, sipping cocoa-while your dd and my kids play nintendo in front of the window that overlooks what will be a wind swept frozen front yard-accented with your son picking up steaming piles of moose poop encrusted rocks (it can get well into the single digits here but the moose poop still dont freeze ).

 

[Buckalew11]

I agree. I'd scare the crap out of him while the police station. Either way should make an impression on him. Having an officer come would be something you'd never forget!
This is not an equal comparison but I have a client whose son could not get up in the a.m. and make it to the school bus on time. So, after many times of this problem, the father made him get on the bus in his PJs! He rode the bus to school in his jammies. He was probably about 1o or 11! The father met him at the school with his clothes when he stepped off the bus! That kid now is in his 20s and doing fine, no scars but a lesson well learned, and learned the hard way.

As Barney Fife (from the Andy Griffith Show) would say, "You have to nip it, nip it in the bud."

You are doing great, Mom!

 

[Buckalew11]

Barkley, you are hilarious!! Steaming moose poop crusted rocks!!! LOL