11/28/2009 - 12/5/2009 - The Nana's Ride the Seas Again #4

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

A quick break in the jokes so you can wipe the tears from all that laughing

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Ok, back to the jokes, sorry folks

 

[jollyg]

Ok, I'll jump in and stop you.

 

[jollyg]

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.

 

[jollyg]

I guess I jumped the gun on that one?

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

TOP FOR ME AGAIN

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

I guess I jumped the gun on that one?

I was hoping you were there and I would beat ya.

That makes the victory that much sweeter

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

That made my whole day

Now I can relax.

 

[dsparks]

A Senior Citizen
I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. That late!

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. Forget about that just have your child open it!

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. Find it I've already printed a map out at home to know where they are!

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. Or I'm just too tired to listen!

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. Because I can't remember who I have told!

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. Hello! Well, they are!

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians... I'm wise enough to know the difference...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I put it where it belonged!

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh... What was that?

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. Duh!

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I've seen EVERY restroom at WDW!

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. When young people that are in their 30s look young !

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. When AARP sends you their paperwork to join!

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I feel older at night!

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

 

[dsparks]

Save the dead rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

Oh NO!

 

[dsparks]

Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Great answers

 

[dsparks]

Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Ewww! Thanks Kathy

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Oh NO!

You should know better than to actually read my jokes

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Ewww! Thanks Kathy

Your welcome

At least I didnt tell that joke at dinner last year

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

I think Greg is in stealth mode waiting to pounce in at the next top
I need to walk my girls really soon but will try to wait until one of us has got the top

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

Lurkers will soon be jumping in, we're almost there

should I wait to hit the reply button??
How long should I wait til I post??


That dumb 40 second rule is a killer.

Oh well , I have had a good day for tops, may as well post.


Kathy

 

[mom x4 grandma x4]

time for a top or to walk the pups