1 Year after a relatives wedding & still no thank you...WWYD?

[disneychrista]

So, what is worse, not saying thank you for a gift or noticing that a person didn't say thank you for a gift?

IMO worrying about it A YEAR LATER!

 

[horseshowmom]

You mean the appropriate response of two words upon receiving a gift? People are trying to be up in arms about written thank you notes. But not one person on this thread has said that a written thank you was the only acceptable form. In fact, it has been said over and over by numerous posters that the form the thank you comes isn't what's important. It's that it comes in some form rather than being omitted entirely. It could be said in person when the gift is received. Or if the giver is not there when the gift is received that a thank you goes out in some form to both acknowledge getting the gift and and to show appreciation for it.

This is not unreasonable, nor is it worthy of scorn.

I honestly can not believe that we are having such a lengthy discussion on the issue of it being okay to not thank someone for a gift. I really can't. I knew manners were flying out the window with many people as we become more entitled, but this really does go to show how far we've gone.

Completely agree...

 

[OceanAnnie]

So, what is worse, not saying thank you for a gift or noticing that a person didn't say thank you for a gift? IMO, they are equally offensive...

To me it's not even close. The worse thing is not to say thank you for a gift.

 

[horseshowmom]

To me it's not even close. The worse thing is not to say thank you for a gift.

Again, completely agree...

In fact, I don't even see how they're even considered the same thing. One is showing a lack of gratitude, and the other is recognizing that lack.

 

[Scurvy]

So, what is worse, not saying thank you for a gift or noticing that a person didn't say thank you for a gift? IMO, they are equally offensive...

Most people notice courtesies or the lack thereof. If someone says "Excuse me", we notice. If someone says "Thank you", we notice. If I hold the door open for someone and they don't thank me, I'm going to notice. I won't yell "You're welcome, jerk!" after them because that would be rude. It isn't rude to notice when they are not polite, it's just rude to respond to rudeness with more rudeness.

Most of us want to know what the recipient thinks of a gift when we give someone something. We put effort into choosing a gift, wrapping it and getting it to the person because we want them to have it. We are likely to notice if we don't receive any response from them about the gift. If I give Susie a wedding gift and she calls and tells me how much she loves it and how well it matches her kitchen, I'm going to be very happy even if she ever says the magic words "Thank you" and even if she never writes me a card or letter about it. If she tells me she appreciates the thought I put into the gift I'll be pleased. If she thanks me I'll be happy. If she doesn't acknowledge it at all of course I'm going to notice. I'll wonder if she got it at all, or if the card saying who it was from fell off, or if she's just so impolite that she can't be bothered to respond in any way. Telling Susie or all of her friends and family that she is an ungrateful boor because she is not polite enough to thank people for their gifts is rude. Noticing she is not polite enough to acknowledge receiving gifts and asking for advice on an anonymous message board is not rude.

disneychrista - I think perhaps the "year later" thing came into it because many people have the belief that the happy couple has a year to write their thank you cards while still remaining within the bounds of good etiquette. It is possible that the OP assumed that the couple would be following that custom, and after a year went by something reminded her that she had never heard from them about the gift. After a year it's pretty obvious that the couple isn't chosing to follow that custom and instead they've just chosen not to acknowlege the gift at all.

 

[wdwfan16]

yep same here. i told everyone thanks when they gave me the gift...here is one for you. my fil always sends the kids their gifts by mail and he will CALL to make sure it got here!!! b/c if he didn't call or let us know how were we to know he sent a gift???

this is what I have been trying to say...what if this girl never got the gift? or what if she didn't realize she didn't say thank you I mean there are so many different things that could have happened and i wouldn't consider a call or something to ask about the gift rude...

Have you or your FIL not heard of delivery confirmation?

Maybe he calls because he knows that no thank you will occur. This was how he can force a thank you.

 

[cheermom1]

oh for goodness sake what I meant was that he calls to let us know they are on their way!!

and no he doesn't call just to get a thank you!! jeez! this whole thing is just so stupid. If you are that close to a family member you will ask about the gift when you see them and they will understand. I know that with me and my family we don;pt give gifts just for a thank you card! and if we are worried about a gift getting to someone we just ask!! I guess that makes us wrong.

 

[snapppyd]

A thank you is common courtesy. The form doesn't matter. In the case of mailed gifts it lets the person who sent the gift know it arrived.

Last summer I waited 3 months for my niece to cash a check I sent her. I finally asked if she was going to cash it. Guess what? She never received it. I waited so long because I didn't want to look like I was asking for a thank you, but good thing I mentioned it.

If people took the time to say thank you it would avoid a lot of confusion.

 

[cheermom1]

A thank you is common courtesy. The form doesn't matter. In the case of mailed gifts it lets the person who sent the gift know it arrived.

Last summer I waited 3 months for my niece to cash a check I sent her. I finally asked if she was going to cash it. Guess what? She never received it. I waited so long because I didn't want to look like I was asking for a thank you, but good thing I mentioned it.

If people took the time to say thank you it would avoid a lot of confusion.

Yes i tell them thank you for their gift but i don't send a thank you card...

 

[snapppyd]

Yes i tell them thank you for their gift but i don't send a thank you card...

As long as you acknowledge it.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...disneychrista - I think perhaps the "year later" thing came into it because many people have the belief that the happy couple has a year to write their thank you cards while still remaining within the bounds of good etiquette. It is possible that the OP assumed that the couple would be following that custom, and after a year went by something reminded her that she had never heard from them about the gift. After a year it's pretty obvious that the couple isn't chosing to follow that custom and instead they've just chosen not to acknowlege the gift at all.

Yeah, but the question remains - who keeps track of these things so that they would remember it 365 days later? And what does it say about a person that they would still be waiting for that one whole year later, still remembering that they had not received their "etiquette bound" response, still holding onto animosity for that horrible trangression...

You tell me that a Thank you should be sent, and I agree, but this is just as bad...

 

[Scurvy]

Yeah, but the question remains - who keeps track of these things so that they would remember it 365 days later? And what does it say about a person that they would still be waiting for that one whole year later, still remembering that they had not received their "etiquette bound" response, still holding onto animosity for that horrible trangression...

You tell me that a Thank you should be sent, and I agree, but this is just as bad...

Maybe someone with a good memory? I don't know about you, but I have a pretty good memory and if I chose a gift for someone and wanted to know what they thought of it I wouldn't just spontaneously forget about it. I'd probably occasionally wonder if they had liked the gift. If I had given a gift out of a sense of obligation (to a distant family member, my bosses child or something like that) and never got any acknowledgement I'd probably be reminded of that the next time a gift giving occasion arrived. And again, as I've said there's a difference between one gift being overlooked and a pattern of someone never thanking people for gifts. If Susie doesn't thank me for one wedding gift I doubt I would remember that forever. If Susie doesn't thank me for any gifts I'm going to be reminded of that each time I give her another present and I'm eventually going to chalk her up as being ungrateful and rude and I'll stop expending my time and money trying to find gifts for her.

 

[snapppyd]

Yeah, but the question remains - who keeps track of these things so that they would remember it 365 days later? And what does it say about a person that they would still be waiting for that one whole year later, still remembering that they had not received their "etiquette bound" response, still holding onto animosity for that horrible trangression...

You tell me that a Thank you should be sent, and I agree, but this is just as bad...

But it didn't only happen once. She gave gifts to the baby and got no thank you. I don't think she is wrong to be upset and IMO she should stop sending ANYTHING to this woman.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...If Susie doesn't thank me for any gifts I'm going to be reminded of that each time I give her another present and I'm eventually going to chalk her up as being ungrateful and rude and I'll stop expending my time and money trying to find gifts for her.

And that is your right, but it is also scorn...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

But it didn't only happen once. She gave gifts to the baby and got no thank you. I don't think she is wrong to be upset and IMO she should stop sending ANYTHING to this woman.

I don't think that it is my place to tell someone when they should or should not be upset, but I have long since stopped concerning myself with things like this. I will gladly give gifts when I think that I should, withhold gifts when I think it appropriate, and everyone else should do so, too. But I think it is silly to worry about someone else's "manners".

Withholding a gift that you otherwise send because the receivers are not polite or thankful enough is just a foreign concept to me. I don't keep track of that sort of thing. I give with no expectations.

Again - just my opinion...

 

[cm8]

Well, it is almost 2 years after our wedding and about 1/3 of our guests never got thank you cards. Why? Dh was supposed send them to the guests he knew, and I sent cards to the guests I knew. I sent mine out promptly. After much nagging, dh started them, but he never finished them. I have no problem throwing him under the bus to those friends and family members, either.

, I can just see that picture image in my head!! I am so with you on that one!!

 

[snapppyd]

I don't think that it is my place to tell someone when they should or should not be upset, but I have long since stopped concerning myself with things like this. I will gladly give gifts when I think that I should, withhold gifts when I think it appropriate, and everyone else should do so, too. But I think it is silly to worry about someone else's "manners".

Withholding a gift that you otherwise send because the receivers are not polite or thankful enough is just a foreign concept to me. I don't keep track of that sort of thing. I give with no expectations.

Again - just my opinion...

So when is it appropriate?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So when is it appropriate?

For me? When we caught a niece stealing from us. She received nothing when she got married. I have a few others, but they are similar stories...

 

[Scurvy]

And that is your right, but it is also scorn...

No, of course it isn't. I'm not saying that I will feel contempt or derision for them because they don't appreciate the gifts I have given them. I'm simply not going to continue to waste my time, money or effort to give them things when they clearly don't appreciate them. Now it's true that I might feel scorn toward people who are always rude, but if they are simply not polite enough to acknowledge gifts it isn't going to inspire me to feel scornful about them. It is likely to make me feel apathetic about giving them future gifts, which is why I'm not going to bother with it in the future if they have never seemed at all grateful when I have given them things. If they don't care when I am giving them gifts, then they aren't going to care when I stop giving the gifts and I can save myself the effort.

 

[snapppyd]

no, of course it isn't. I'm not saying that i will feel contempt or derision for them because they don't appreciate the gifts i have given them. I'm simply not going to continue to waste my time, money or effort to give them things when they clearly don't appreciate them. Now it's true that i might feel scorn toward people who are always rude, but if they are simply not polite enough to acknowledge gifts it isn't going to inspire me to feel scornful about them. It is likely to make me feel apathetic about giving them future gifts, which is why i'm not going to bother with it in the future if they have never seemed at all grateful when i have given them things. If they don't care when i am giving them gifts, then they aren't going to care when i stop giving the gifts and i can save myself the effort.

ita