Would You Wear a "Cremation Pendant?"

[CarolAnn856]

Myself and all of my loved ones will be buried, as have all those gone on before me.

It's possible, though, that one your loved ones may want to be cremated, even if they don't currently want that. Will that be hard for you, or would you be able to find peace with that? (Genuinely asking, not being snarky.)

 

[pate59]

For my husband only would I wear any type of jewelry with his ashes or made from his ashes. I think its a personal decision but understanding others opinions, I certainly would never volunteer or point it out either.
Now, when my father recently passed, at the funeral home, we were offered the opportunity to have his fingerprint engraved on a piece of jewelry.(A separate company handles the jewelry part) Now the jury is still for me on that but I would never judge others if that is their choice.
Both my parents pre-planned and already paid for their funeral/burial 20+ years ago. When my dad passed a few months ago, when meeting with the funeral director, my mom surprised both my husband and I that she was
now considering cremation. Wasn't a money issue obviously but a personal choice. She is still in the grieving process and her heart is broken but at some point, I will have confirm her final choice with her.

 

[ronandannette]

It's possible, though, that one your loved ones may want to be cremated, even if they don't currently want that. Will that be hard for you, or would you be able to find peace with that? (Genuinely asking, not being snarky.)

It's a legit question and one everybody in the immediate family has thought through. We all generally believe that "final arrangements" can really only benefit the survivors, not the deceased and therefore even though our wishes have been made known, it will ultimately be up to our kin to make the decisions. Ironically, this could mean I end up cremated myself even though I would simply never, ever do it to a loved one.

I know that runs counter to how a lot of people feel about it. I've seen so, so many family conflicts (both personally and when I worked in the industry) caused by people not being able to agree on what to do, or even worse, struggling to comply with a decedent's wishes when they found them abhorrent. It's the last thing I'd ever want my family to have to go through on account of me.

 

[CarolAnn856]

It's a legit question and one everybody in the immediate family has thought through. We all generally believe that "final arrangements" can really only benefit the survivors, not the deceased and therefore even though our wishes have been made known, it will ultimately be up to our kin to make the decisions. Ironically, this could mean I end up cremated myself even though I would simply never, ever do it to a loved one.

I know that runs counter to how a lot of people feel about it. I've seen so, so many family conflicts (both personally and when I worked in the industry) caused by people not being able to agree on what to do, or even worse, struggling to comply with a decedent's wishes when they found them abhorrent. It's the last thing I'd ever want my family to have to go through on account of me.

Thanks for explaining.

 

[wenrob]

This is me. That is no longer my loved one, that person is gone. I don't visit the cemetery either. I'd much rather look at pics, read old cards etc. So, a big no from me.

These were my thoughts when the thread was originally posted. With my dad having passed about a week before Thanksgiving this year they are still pretty much the same. My sister has his ashes for now but for me, they are not Dad.

I belong to a mom group and we have a yearly ornament exchange. One girl got another an ornament with her dad’s year of birth and the year he passed. I did not participate this year and I’m so glad I didn’t because that would have crushed me. While the intention was absolutely heartfelt and good, in all honesty, I probably would have thrown it away. I want reminders that my dad lived not that he died if that makes any sense. To that end my older DD and I went and got tattoos of his signature. (Love, Dad/Love, Grandpa) I saw that signature my entire life. For me, it’s more tangible than ashes for whatever reason.

It so individual what will bring a person comfort. Oddly, another for me was my sister giving me my dad’s death certificate and an explanation of what it means (she had a doctor friend read it for her). I found myself hugging it and have yet to tuck it away. You would think given my previous statements on the subject I wouldn’t want it but I think *knowing* why he died gives me a little peace so in turn, so does the certificate.

 

[mjkacmom]

These were my thoughts when the thread was originally posted. With my dad having passed about a week before Thanksgiving this year they are still pretty much the same. My sister has his ashes for now but for me, they are not Dad.

I belong to a mom group and we have a yearly ornament exchange. One girl got another an ornament with her dad’s year of birth and the year he passed. I did not participate this year and I’m so glad I didn’t because that would have crushed me. While the intention was absolutely heartfelt and good, in all honesty, I probably would have thrown it away. I want reminders that my dad lived not that he died if that makes any sense. To that end my older DD and I went and got tattoos of his signature. (Love, Dad/Love, Grandpa) I saw that signature my entire life. For me, it’s more tangible than ashes for whatever reason.

It so individual what will bring a person comfort. Oddly, another for me was my sister giving me my dad’s death certificate and an explanation of what it means (she had a doctor friend read it for her). I found myself hugging it and have yet to tuck it away. You would think given my previous statements on the subject I wouldn’t want it but I think *knowing* why he died gives me a little peace so in turn, so does the certificate.

An old childhood friend posted a similar ornament on Facebook and she loved it. She lost her mom rather suddenly a couple of years ago (her mom was friends with my mom, who passed 3 years ago), so we are in a similar place mentally. I’d like an ornament like that for my mom, but not my dad (who died 2 days ago). Way too soon.

 

[Wendy31]

I think everyone handles grief differently & finds comfort in different ways.

I am not the type to visit a cemetery & would rather remember my loved one in other ways, but I know a few people who visit the gravestones of their loved ones very frequently & will post pictures on Facebook of themselves w/ their loved ones' gravestones.

My mom used to purchase seasonal flower arrangements for her parents' graves, but I don't think she does any more.

I have not yet lost a parent, but, since both of their plans/wishes are to be buried & they have prepaid for their funerals & burial plots, I won't ever be in a position to decide what to do w/ their ashes.

My FIL passed away this past April, & he was also buried. We were there for a special remembrance service at the chapel of the funeral home earlier this month & visited his gravestone then for the first time since April.

I don't know... w/ my grandparents &, now, DH's dad, I just don't find any comfort in the cemetery because I know they're no longer there & don't feel like I need anything "tangible" to help me remember them.

However, in thinking about it, though, I may feel very differently if I lost DH or one of our children, & I could see how I might find comfort in a small remembrance piece of jewelry or an urn.

My wishes are to be cremated & my ashes scattered over the ocean in one last adventure for my family. I also like the thought of becoming part of a coral reef or of my ashes being combined w/ DH's ashes & then our children scatter our ashes somewhere together or put in an urn together or whatever brings them peace & comfort.

 

[wenrob]

An old childhood friend posted a similar ornament on Facebook and she loved it. She lost her mom rather suddenly a couple of years ago (her mom was friends with my mom, who passed 3 years ago), so we are in a similar place mentally. I’d like an ornament like that for my mom, but not my dad (who died 2 days ago). Way too soon.

It could be that it’s too soon but I’ve never been a ‘memorial’ type of person so it’s hard to say. I’m very sorry for your loss.

 

[North of Mouse]

Nope!

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I wouldn't ever personally get jewelry with a lived ones remains, nor do I want an urn with them to keep. I also have no desire to see an open casket and don't know that I could emotionally handle being the one to identify a body. I don't want the last way I see a loved one (last visual memory of them) to be once they are dead, whether it be seeing them in their physical body or as ashes. Several family members are understanding of this and respect my feelings on not being involved in seeing/making decisions with any remains, and I am grateful for that.

 

[Suger Mag]

yes, quite often. I love them, often wear them to family functions when I feel like I want them there, or just in general when I feel the need for closeness with that person. They are small earrings made of glass, very low key, nothing that would scream dead person bits. I also got some glass items made also for my kids, my daughter loves her earrings, my son never wears ties, so his tie tack is not used as often, but he has it for when and if he wants it.

I have a friend who has a bracelet with all her dead pets on it, she has gemstones made and added, very pretty... but those are too pricey for me to get done, part of why I liked the glass remembrance items, usually not that expensive. I am looking into getting a pendant made from a cast of my dog's nose LOL, they look so funny I think my daughter would love one of her Boston terrier's nose.

 

[Disney Doll]

I probably wouldn’t do it because the thought of losing it would make me feel terrible.

But I don’t have a particular problem with it. Especially if it brings someone comfort.

 

[4kids4karen]

Interesting topic.

YES, I HAVE ONE! My best friend gave it to me and I wore it with my son's ashes on our overseas trip. Only problem is these pendants (mine is a butterfly which my BFF knows I love butterflies) tarnish easily so it is already starting to tarnish. Our funeral home says she got tired of having to return the after tarnishing so she no longer carries them for sale.

My son's urn is on the table in front of my sofa. So if that creeps people out, too bad. DH and I always talked about our funerals and I am the one who said I wanted to be cremated first. DH eventually says he would want the same. We have no ties to any particular location and many of my relatives do not even visit the cemetery in their own town where loved ones are buried. So if I move, yes, my son's ashes go with me. I have no plans to move, but you never know where live takes you.

I get so tired of seeing Go Fund Me's for funeral expenses, yet the families are having really expensive services, viewings, etc. Paying for my son's funeral was not an issue, the cremation is what DH and I decided for ourselves so when our 24 year old passed unexpectedly we did the same thing we had planned for ourselves. No Go Fund Me, no viewing, no service. We had a family gathering in my home for those who were closest to him.

Sidenote: In our town, all funeral homes use the exact same centrally located crematory, yet every funeral home charges different prices and has different packages. A few years ago I had read a book that is an eye opener into the funeral biz. My son passed six months ago (after I had read this book and decided on my final arrangements). We are also a dual military family (both retired) with VA burial benefits and still will choose a cremation.

book:
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematory
by Caitlin Doughty

 

[mjkacmom]

It could be that it’s too soon but I’ve never been a ‘memorial’ type of person so it’s hard to say. I’m very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss, holidays seem to make it harder.

 

[maxaroni]

This is something that I have had rolling around in my head for awhile. Not sure I want the jewelry, although, not opposed to it. I have to say that some of this creeped me out a bit, until I have lived through it.

My MIL wanted the urn with her dogs ashes buried with her. I thought that was very odd and didn’t understand it. When our dogs passed, we had them cremated and have the ashes in our closet. They will go with us if/when we move. Now, I can understand my MIL’s wish.

My dad had my mom cremated and has the ashes in a wooden box in his living room. I once thought that would creep me out but it’s my mom and have no problem with it. When DS graduated college, we took family pictures at my dads and made sure mom was in the picture. Some may think it’s weird but it is a source of comfort for us. When my dad moved to Florida, mom went with him. Now, all of this seems normal.

My parents had a friend that put her husbands cremains put into a teddy bear, she takes him with her in the car and buckles him up. Not sure that is something I could do but understand it more now.

The jewelry option has come into my mind in regards to what does one do with the cremains. In other words, at some point I will have my mom and my dad. Looking long (I hope!) down the line, the cremains will go to my DS, along with DH & I. How long do you do this? Does my DS want this? I have thought about, in the future, taking my parents remains and scattering them, but do I want some remains and have them as a piece of jewelry? I just don’t know. I know my friend didn’t do anything with her parents remains for awhile, years in fact. She came to peace and then decided what to do.

A conversation at work was about this and even as far as a burial, how many generations will go visit? Between moving around the country, and the fact at some point down the road, people won’t know who we are. Will our great grandchildren, great great grandchildren come to visit?

A lot to think about.

 

[MIGrandma]

I was surprised to see this topic was bumped up, but have enjoyed reading all of the new responses. And I agree with whoever said grief is a very personal thing. I feel there is to right or wrong way to grieve someone's passing, we all deal with it differently. I don't even remember, for sure, what I said when I started this topic. I don't care what my family does with me after I die, whatever they choose to do is fine as I really have no wishes of my own. If DH passes before me I would like him cremated, and have some of his ashes buried in the funeral plot we bought back in the 70's and some of his ashes in an urn to keep in the house. My parents are both gone now, and I do find a bit of comfort in tending to their grave. They have a beautiful headstone, with vases on each side and I keep them filled with silk flowers for whatever season it is, and a saddle on top for Christmas. I love going for walks in the cemetery so every time I do I visit their grave and spend a few minutes there. I know "they" are not there but it's their final resting place for their bodies so I like to visit their grave and glad I live close so I can do it often.

I did have my cat cremated. Now, in no way whatsoever does her death equal the death of a loved human, but with her I could afford to do it so I decided to have it done. She had an inoperable tumor by her eye so I had her put to sleep almost a year ago. Very hard thing to do, but I ordered an urn from Amazon and she is in that now, along with a few of her toys, and her picture on the front, on top of my piano. I like knowing she is still "here" with me, and if my DH passes before I do I know it would give me comfort to have part of him still in the house with me too.

Cremation is not for everyone, as is burying someone in the ground. A very personal choice.

The only way I would have a piece of jewelry made from some of DH's ashes would be to wear it only in the house. I would be so worried about "losing him" if I wore it outside the house. Someone mentioned having a nose print pendant made from their dog, and I think that would be a wonderful thing to have! After I had my cat cremated I found out they would have made a pendant from her paw print, which I didn't know about before. I would have loved having that!

I wouldn't ever personally get jewelry with a lived ones remains, nor do I want an urn with them to keep. I also have no desire to see an open casket and don't know that I could emotionally handle being the one to identify a body. I don't want the last way I see a loved one (last visual memory of them) to be once they are dead, whether it be seeing them in their physical body or as ashes. Several family members are understanding of this and respect my feelings on not being involved in seeing/making decisions with any remains, and I am grateful for that.

I didn't want to see my Dad in the casket either, I was able to avoid it until the day of his funeral when my Mom kept pressing me to go see him one last time. I didn't want to, but did it for her, and I do hate that that is my last memory of him. I would not push my children/grandchildren to see anyone of our family in a casket. I feel it's a personal choice. Now, when my Mom died I felt responsible to make sure all was perfect for her in the casket. She and Dad had paid for their funerals years before they died, and I carried out her wishes for a full viewing and funeral but it was so hard to do. But, I wanted to make sure she was dressed in the dress she chose to be buried in, made sure her hair was done, and her nails, etc. So, I had to look, but didn't feel like I didn't want to as I wanted her to look as perfect as she could, the last thing I could ever do for her.

 

[ChrisFL]

I wouldn't personally, though I wouldn't fault others for wearing one.....however, I do think the argument could be made that it's more difficult to move on from loss with a constant reminder such as that.

For that reason, I'm also against the car stickers on back windows that I see CONSTANTLY of people who died. So not only are the people in the car depressed, they potentially make everyone else depressed who sees it also.

Everyone loses people they love, but we also have to move on from that to keep living our lives to the fullest.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I didn't want to see my Dad in the casket either, I was able to avoid it until the day of his funeral when my Mom kept pressing me to go see him one last time. I didn't want to, but did it for her, and I do hate that that is my last memory of him. I would not push my children/grandchildren to see anyone of our family in a casket. I feel it's a personal choice. Now, when my Mom died I felt responsible to make sure all was perfect for her in the casket. She and Dad had paid for their funerals years before they died, and I carried out her wishes for a full viewing and funeral but it was so hard to do. But, I wanted to make sure she was dressed in the dress she chose to be buried in, made sure her hair was done, and her nails, etc. So, I had to look, but didn't feel like I didn't want to as I wanted her to look as perfect as she could, the last thing I could ever do for her.

I appreciate you sharing your experience and I think it's wonderful that you did all of that to honor your mom's wishes and make sure she looked perfect. I can only imagine how difficult all of that must have been for you.

I'd like to think that if a close relative really wanted a full viewing that I'd try my best to fulfill their wishes, but I really hope I'm not ever in that particular situation. So far, everyone seems to want to be cremated and understands that I would prefer as limited of a role as possible in the whole funeral process. It might sound a little selfish, but everyone grieves and handles death differently. For me, I have to have time to process my emotions and seeing the body or having to make planning decisions right away messes with my mental state in a bad way. When I was 12, a close friend took his life and I was the one to find him. That's an image that will always cloud my memory of him, and though I've worked through it, seeing a family member's body after they've passed is just not something I think I could really handle.

 

[low-key]

If I had to

 

[MIGrandma]

I appreciate you sharing your experience and I think it's wonderful that you did all of that to honor your mom's wishes and make sure she looked perfect. I can only imagine how difficult all of that must have been for you.

I'd like to think that if a close relative really wanted a full viewing that I'd try my best to fulfill their wishes, but I really hope I'm not ever in that particular situation. So far, everyone seems to want to be cremated and understands that I would prefer as limited of a role as possible in the whole funeral process. It might sound a little selfish, but everyone grieves and handles death differently. For me, I have to have time to process my emotions and seeing the body or having to make planning decisions right away messes with my mental state in a bad way. When I was 12, a close friend took his life and I was the one to find him. That's an image that will always cloud my memory of him, and though I've worked through it, seeing a family member's body after they've passed is just not something I think I could really handle.

Your feelings are not selfish at all, as you said and I agree everyone grieves and handles death differently. I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through when you were 12 and found your friend, I’m so sorry.