When in laws cause problems

[Dawnlight]

I thought this was done and over with, but it NEVER is with this family. I just got a call at work from my husband. Apparently MIL sent BIL some nasty texts last night after a few too many drinks, she was complaining about how he has taken advantage of her, ruined her credit, cost her hundreds of dollars and how she will never get out of this hole he dug her in. She said he is very selfish and needs to go away ASAP, then added, I cancelled my insurance policy so when I'm gone you can sell all my stuff and get some money for it. It was a very long rant but this was the summary. She wants him gone today.

I do not blame her, he's been there for months and has not offered 1 dime. She has asked him several times and he absolutely refuses.

Of course now DH is asking for BIL to move in tonight. I couldn't continue the conversation because I had a customer calling. I figured I'd post her before I call him back.

I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage.

Please someone have some words of wisdom, something. I'm shaking.

I'm so sorry.

Your husband needs to put you, your marriage, and your family first. He needs to grow a pair and just tell the brother that he will not, under any circumstance, put his family at risk for the same problems that the brother has created for the mother (MIL).

 

[Lisaloo]

You married the wrong guy. He will never put you first. Get out or get used to it.

 

[Lisann]

DO NOT have this discussion over the phone while you are at work or via text.
You don't want it to spill over into your work environment and text doesn't convey emotion, which in this case is needed.

Meet your husband for lunch someplace to go through this.
Tell him exactly why you don't think it's a good idea for YOUR FAMILY and YOUR MARRIAGE for his brother to move in.
That once he's staying with you, it will not be possible for him to leave - history shows that. Mom's actions show it - tell him to look at how that worked out.

Don't make it about you, your husband, or BIL..... it's about your family and marriage.

Think carefully about whether you want to draw a line in the sand to your husband - do you tell him this comes down to family and marriage OR BIL? I am not advocating you do that - that's something only you can decide. But if you say that, you have to be willing to follow through. It looks like your husband can't have both unless BIL changes (unlikely).

Best of luck to you

This is very sound advice. Very sound.

 

[okeydokey]

Your husband will come to regret acting in the moment when her is upset. I would also offer for the two of you to spend one week at a hotel to let your BIL figure his next move. One night in your house will turn into months and you both know it.

However, your husband needs to know that you believe your marriage will suffer harm if he allows his brother to move in.

 

[texas disney mom]

Wow. You are in a desperate situation. You have to guard your children and your relationship with your husband. Your husband is not strong enough to stand up to his family and is being manipulated by them. IMO this is not about helping someone. This is about whether or not you will allow your BIL (and MIL) to ruin your family. That is what will happen. BIL is a grown man. This doesnt have anything to do with you or your husband.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Your DH wants to help/save his brother. Normal gut reaction

However, by saving his brother, he has the potential to destroy your family. He lived with MIL for all this time, contributing nothing until she is fed up and sick of him too. How does your husband see this palying out? Agree with the OP who suggested have your husband run the scenarios of what if, and then what...

There are shelters for him if he needs immediate housing. Have the info ready to hand off. You are not social services!
good luck!

 

[robinb]

My husband feels very strongly that his brother is a victim. I've tried talking reason into him about it but he doesn't see it as I do, or the rest of the world does. The texts MIL sent to BIL were very vulgar and downright nasty...so right now BIL and DH are fixated on how mean she was instead of what her words were actually saying..mean or not it was the truth.

Takers always make themselves out to be victims. Nothing is ever their fault because everyone else is mean or unfair to them. It's all part of the manipulation.

Your poor MIL .

 

[PlutoPony]

My husband feels very strongly that his brother is a victim. I've tried talking reason into him about it but he doesn't see it as I do, or the rest of the world does. The texts MIL sent to BIL were very vulgar and downright nasty...so right now BIL and DH are fixated on how mean she was instead of what her words were actually saying..mean or not it was the truth.

One last thing and then I promise to shut up (can you tell this hits a little close to home?)

IF your husband insists on making it about his brother, ask him what end result is he looking for ultimately in the help he gives his brother?

*is he looking for his brother to just maintain the status quo - essentially him being a mooch and going from couch to couch? If so, how much is that going to cost HIM (your husband) in $$ and what will be the effect on his family.
*or does he want more for his brother - for him to stand on his own 2 feet, have a place of his own, a steady job, etc. If so, does his brother really desire this - what clues do you have about his feelings on this? And if BIL DOES want a different i.e. better life - does he have the backbone to do the hard work to get it? Remind your husband the hard work you all went thru to have a nice stable life - it wasn't free or easy I bet. Does his brother really have it in him to do what he has to do to get that kind of life. IF your husband really thinks this is what he's shooting for, what specific steps - and corresponding actions by his brother - should he take to help him get that life - NOT get that life FOR his brother.

Sorry to be so long winded..... I really wish you all the best.

 

[indimom]

I honestly have no advice for you, OP, I just wanted to add to the .
I hope you and your husband can find a solution you both can live with.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would have my DH's bags packed by the door and say good luck to your and brother, I hope you have a happy life together bc he is NOT moving in here, if you value our marriage and family you would get that. And if he doesnt understand then I agree with others you either need marriage counseling or it might be the end bc he is not valuing your opinions in all of this.

THIS.... One hundred times over.

Again, he is so disrespectful that he is hitting you with this WHILE YOU ARE AT WORK.
OMG...

OP, If I were you, I couldn't get out of there fast enough to get home, to insure that your BIL does not step ONE LITTLE TOE inside your door before you can get there to stop it.

If your DH is still pushing the issue when you get there... Yes, I would start packing his bags.
No question.

And, no mater what... If there is any small chance, at all, of saving your marriage... You need to find a good Counselor and Marriage Counselor, TOMORROW.

If you husband is not ready to compromise here and to participate in any real counseling... Then, again, I would simply not be living in the same house with him.

I am SO SO SO sorry to hear that this is happening.

You definitely have all of our best wishes and support.

 

[diznygirl]

Your husband needs to look at his bother and say, "Mom is right." If he can't do that, then you need to look at your husband and say, "No, under any circumstances, Yes I am a *****, the answer is still NO!"

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ok, now that I've had a minute to think and not just react, here's another approach that might be more effective... Again, discussion needs to be done in person.

Ask your husband to lay out how it would work for everyone - family + BIL - if he moved in. Let HIM come up with the scenario of day to day living at your house with BIL.
Where would he sleep, how that would effect each member of the family, what kind of "rules" would he lay on BIL.
My bet is he's given absolutely no thought to how this would work for you all, and what would be different from how the situation developed with mom.
Hopefully as he talks things out - probably considering the real ramifications of this for the first time - he'll come to the conclusion that it just won't work.

I'm going back to how this went when your husband wanted BIL to stay at your house during your vacation. When he actually thought it through, your husband came to the "Right" conclusion. I think he will this time if he's able to calmly think it through.

And then I'd go for marriage counseling.

I can not disagree with this, and advise the OP against this, strongly enough.

You can't 'reason' with somebody who is screwed up and not reasonable.
It is like the old adage, never argue with a three year old, they will ALWAYS win.

OP, please do not even engage the thought of this man in your house.
EVER.

You have to protect your boundaries, your children, yourself and your self-esteem, etc.

 

[Lynne M]

OP, when you stop seeing red (that would take me awhile), ask your husband these questions.

Does he honestly believe that his brother will ever leave your home once he moves in? Why? Does he have in end date in mind? Does he think his brother will abide by it? What happens if his brother refuses to leave, and refuses to contribute financially? Is he planning to support and house his brother for the rest of his life? Has he worked through the financial impact on his own family - money that goes to support his brother is money that's not available for the care and education of his own children. Is he OK with that?

I'm still really confused as to why he thinks your brother should be able to use family members' money and belongings to support himself, when he's apparently able-bodied and working. I mean, you and your husband support yourselves, and pay for your home and your food and utilities. Why does he think his brother shouldn't have to do that, too?

 

[bookgirl]

Sorry that this is rearing it's ugly head again. I'd have a heart to heart with your husband. Just be honest and tell him what you fear will happen to your home and family, and that you will always put your family first and that you deserve to know whether he will do the same.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

I thought this was done and over with, but it NEVER is with this family. I just got a call at work from my husband. Apparently MIL sent BIL some nasty texts last night after a few too many drinks, she was complaining about how he has taken advantage of her, ruined her credit, cost her hundreds of dollars and how she will never get out of this hole he dug her in. She said he is very selfish and needs to go away ASAP, then added, I cancelled my insurance policy so when I'm gone you can sell all my stuff and get some money for it. It was a very long rant but this was the summary. She wants him gone today.

I do not blame her, he's been there for months and has not offered 1 dime. She has asked him several times and he absolutely refuses.

Of course now DH is asking for BIL to move in tonight. I couldn't continue the conversation because I had a customer calling. I figured I'd post her before I call him back.

I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage.

Please someone have some words of wisdom, something. I'm shaking.

I'm so sorry you're going through this (again). Regarding the part I've bolded above - No matter what you and your husband decide, you are not and will not be the person who puts your BIL on the streets. Your BIL (and only your BIL) has done that for himself. You should not feel guilty or responsible for his bad decisions.

 

[deedeetoo]

So sorry you are going through this. I have nothing to recommend that hasn't been said by others. I can't believe your husband is doing this again. Did he forget about what happened last time?

 

[gwynne]

My husband feels very strongly that his brother is a victim. I've tried talking reason into him about it but he doesn't see it as I do, or the rest of the world does. The texts MIL sent to BIL were very vulgar and downright nasty...so right now BIL and DH are fixated on how mean she was instead of what her words were actually saying..mean or not it was the truth.

It could be that he feels like the "good boy" when he's loyal to his brother. Sad, and not mature thinking adult behavior.
Having fun gossiping with his homeless/unemployed brother about their mommy isn't grown up, either.

I hope you find some professional support soon OP. It could be that with some help this mess could gradually be worked through with couples therapy. He needs to see that being unreasonably loyal to his brother is causing him to be disloyal and very unkind to his wife and kids.

 

[Mkrop]

So sorry you are going through this. I have nothing to recommend that hasn't been said by others. I can't believe your husband is doing this again. Did he forget about what happened last time?

Yes what did happen last time with your vacation? Maybe I missed it. But all of that should have given your DH a clear idea on where you stand

 

[Allison]

Nope, it's time to draw a hard line in the sand. Your husband needs to decide which side he is on.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Yes what did happen last time with your vacation? Maybe I missed it. But all of that should have given your DH a clear idea on where you stand

DH took a while but finally realized his brothers happiness wasn't worth his own --his words. How quickly he forgot them!!


Thank you all for helping process my thoughts about this. I went through craigslist and found numerous people looking to rent out rooms. To me its the perfect solution...he wouldn't need money for security deposit or last months rent, some are charging as little as $100 a week - including everything! You can't beat that. I copied them and sent them to my husband, I said this is his only solution. He isn't living with us period, and certainly not for free so it makes more sense to me that he'd pay for at least his own room in someone else's home! Luckily I have a girls night out tonight, a rare luxury for this mama of 2 so I will enjoy my night, probably vent to my friends and hopefully feel better in the morning.