When in laws cause problems

[mom2rtk]

So glad you had a great time OP! Sorry about your kitty. Our 14 year old cat had to have a couple teeth removed this summer but seems good as new now as well. I'm sure glad kitty's stress level wasn't raised more by having your BIL in the house while you were gone.

 

[Lisann]

OP... I am with you 100%.

 

[we"reofftoneverland]

I am late to this thread but I had to say that it was so refreshing reading everyone give you such good advice (for the most part). I wanted to add that you are dealing with a very selfish and manipulative person in your BIL and that the situation wasn't about helping him but about whether or not you would enable him in the destruction of your marriage. He lost. For now. And hopefully for good. He did not actually need your help but obviously took pleasure in making you feel uncomfortable and definitely knew he was causing strife in your marriage. People like him are not just a bother, they are dangerous.

 

[EmmabaRose]

OP I'm so glad that this all worked out for you in the end. It all makes me very glad I kicked my ex to the curb when I did. 29, couched surfed through all his aunts, could never hold down a job and pay bills. He cost me £1000 over two years enabling him to mooch. He booked surprise character meals for me at WDW and I PAID. He even persuaded money out of my parents. And I nearly married all that. Glad I dropped him when I did. The girl he was unfaithful with is welcome to that mess.

Do not let people like this into your life. They will make you feel sorry for them and use that to get what they want out of you. And it won't stop. You can't save them, they don't really want to be saved. You won't get your time and money back and they're not worth it anyway.

 

[Plaid Princess]

Yesterday he TOLD me he was thinking about house sitting for us while we are in Disney at the end of the month. He totally put me on the spot in front of their family and mine at our daughters birthday party. He even suggested it as if he was doing me a favor by staying in my house for the week. Then he says "I'll bring my own bed sheets for when my girlfriend comes". I swear on my children I could not make this up if I tried. Long story short, his girlfriend lives 5 hours away because her parents got sick of him mooching off them and kicked him out, so he came back here to live with MIL (after we told him no several times).

I'm late to the party here, but I'm gonna jump on the No Way bandwagon. Tell him you're listing your home on AirBnB while you're out of town, and he's welcome to rent it from you for a couple grand!

His brother has more than once made comments of "it must be nice" in regards to some of our belongings and our vacations.

Oh hell no! I hate comments like this. I have a drop kick cousin who is the same way (if she were male, I'd wonder if they were the same person). Fired from every job she's ever had. Kicked out of the army, kicked out of 6 different community colleges. Still lives with her mom at 30. All not her fault of course. My husband and I scrimp and save to be able to travel frequently. We choose not to drive nice cars, have fancy phones, or cable TV etc., so that we can see the world. She always whines that she'd just "love to be able to travel" and "wishes she were as lucky as us". I always point out, there is no luck involved. Zero. Zip. Zilch. We work hard for what we have, pay our bills, and make careful financial decisions. We are not wealthy, we just prioritize our spending.

I'm sorry about your situation. Moochers are stressful in the best of times, and it's incredibly unfair of your BIL to even put you and your DH in this uncomfortable position.

 

[Plaid Princess]

(threadjack)

My wife will take video with her iPhone and go back and forth from horizontal to vertical. Hey, if the screen flips why doesn't the video! Arrrrghhhhhh!!!

OK, done with the threadjack! !

There's an app for that!

 

[Grmnshplvr]

I thought this was done and over with, but it NEVER is with this family. I just got a call at work from my husband. Apparently MIL sent BIL some nasty texts last night after a few too many drinks, she was complaining about how he has taken advantage of her, ruined her credit, cost her hundreds of dollars and how she will never get out of this hole he dug her in. She said he is very selfish and needs to go away ASAP, then added, I cancelled my insurance policy so when I'm gone you can sell all my stuff and get some money for it. It was a very long rant but this was the summary. She wants him gone today.

I do not blame her, he's been there for months and has not offered 1 dime. She has asked him several times and he absolutely refuses.

Of course now DH is asking for BIL to move in tonight. I couldn't continue the conversation because I had a customer calling. I figured I'd post her before I call him back.

I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage.

Please someone have some words of wisdom, something. I'm shaking.

 

[Gr8t Fan]

No way, absolutely no way. The most I would do is let my DH pay for 1 week at an Extended Stay type hotel so BIL has a bit of time to figure things out. DO NOT let him into your home. You will never get rid of him.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I thought this was done and over with, but it NEVER is with this family. I just got a call at work from my husband. Apparently MIL sent BIL some nasty texts last night after a few too many drinks, she was complaining about how he has taken advantage of her, ruined her credit, cost her hundreds of dollars and how she will never get out of this hole he dug her in. She said he is very selfish and needs to go away ASAP, then added, I cancelled my insurance policy so when I'm gone you can sell all my stuff and get some money for it. It was a very long rant but this was the summary. She wants him gone today.

I do not blame her, he's been there for months and has not offered 1 dime. She has asked him several times and he absolutely refuses.

Of course now DH is asking for BIL to move in tonight. I couldn't continue the conversation because I had a customer calling. I figured I'd post her before I call him back.

I dont want to be the person that puts his brother on the street, but I know 100% if his brother moves in it will be the end of my marriage.

Please someone have some words of wisdom, something. I'm shaking.

UGH!!!! I'm so sorry. I think all the advice you got regarding the initial problem of BIL wanting "house sit" with his GF during your vacation still holds true. Times ten. You cannot let BIL in your home to stay under any circumstances. See a marriage counselor ASAP with DH to address this--even if you have to "cave" and agree to get BIL a hotel stay for a week to buy time.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh you poor thing.

All I can offer is to refuse and explain to your husband that enabling his brother is just going to cause his brother more harm than good in the end, so not allowing this is much better for your own family and even for his brother in the long run. Maybe you can also tell him what a slap in the face it would be to his mother to make her look like the bad guy here by roiling out the welcome mat for her son she is trying to finally push to grow up and become independent.

Editing to add: you ought to be bale to just say NO, period--but I put the other ideas out there, hoping that if your husband just can't get past thinking he needs to help family, maybe it will help your situation if he can see that he is hurting family if he lets his brother move in (not to mention the hurt he would cause you).

 

[robinb]

If you let your BIL move in with you he will never get rid of him. He's a taker and he'll take and take and take with no regard to you and your family. Once he has a place to crash he will have no motivation to leave.

 

[Mkrop]

I would have my DH's bags packed by the door and say good luck to your and brother, I hope you have a happy life together bc he is NOT moving in here, if you value our marriage and family you would get that. And if he doesnt understand then I agree with others you either need marriage counseling or it might be the end bc he is not valuing your opinions in all of this.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Your DH loves his brother and its only natural for him to want to help. HOWEVER, destroying your marriage in the process is not the answer.

Where is the girlfriend these days? Would you be saddled with both of them?

 

[PlutoPony]

DO NOT have this discussion over the phone while you are at work or via text.
You don't want it to spill over into your work environment and text doesn't convey emotion, which in this case is needed.

Meet your husband for lunch someplace to go through this.
Tell him exactly why you don't think it's a good idea for YOUR FAMILY and YOUR MARRIAGE for his brother to move in.
That once he's staying with you, it will not be possible for him to leave - history shows that. Mom's actions show it - tell him to look at how that worked out.

Don't make it about you, your husband, or BIL..... it's about your family and marriage.

Think carefully about whether you want to draw a line in the sand to your husband - do you tell him this comes down to family and marriage OR BIL? I am not advocating you do that - that's something only you can decide. But if you say that, you have to be willing to follow through. It looks like your husband can't have both unless BIL changes (unlikely).

Best of luck to you

 

[Jcricket Fan]

I wrote the below quoted info. previously and it is all still appropriate today. OP this situation will continue to reappear until you and hopefully your husband go to therapy and learn how to deal with the patterns that have existed for years in whole family. This will not self-correct ~ you need to get some understanding about what is happening from a professional family therapist. I wish you well OP.

10 pages of info. shows exactly how devastating a mark a master manipulator leaves on everyone who gets too close.

OP there are so many serious issues that are coming to the forefront with extended family and more importantly with your husband. This is not so much about BIL, who make no mistake is a master manipulator, but about the effects of not knowing how to deal in a healthy way with a master manipulator.

BIL is 39 yrs old and has set-up the life he is now 'comfortable' living. Masters at manipulation play-off the emotions of usually decent people who 'feel bad' for the person who 'just cant seem to get it together.' Good people care about others ~ master manipulators do not care about the people they manipulate and do not deserve the gut wrenching emotional efforts good people go through.

My concerns, in a general way anytime I hear these similar stories, are that people need to do all they can not to engage manipulators ~ you will never be a match for their ability to twist & distort life. They are incapable of being responsible for themselves as they have rarely had consequences to answer for as those around them enable their behaviors ~rescuing them doing them no favors.

Why would someone who has set their life up so they can be taken care of one day decide to care for themselves ~ what is their incentive? It's a lot less work if YOU do it for me.

From what you have posted OP it is clear there are deep family of origin issues relating to manipulation and enabling behaviors ~ therapy can help with that but we can't force others to change or get help. At some point the decision needs to be made ~ will I save myself and allow the naturally occurring consequences that come from manipulators actions (or lack there of) to perhaps force a turning point for an adult individual.
It is often not easy to step away from self pitying master manipulators, to allow them to take charge of their own lives and learn to become responsible, but it is necessary.

 

[Colleen27]

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear this. I can't even imagine what your DH is thinking to want BIL to come there, knowing that BIL is the sort of person who would take advantage of his own mother to the point that she isn't willing or able to help him any longer. What makes your DH think BIL will treat him, and you, any differently?

 

[piccolopat]

oh yes we have had that conversation several times. He always asks why, why wont you let him stay. I stand my ground, it gets dropped, a week later BIL asks for something else. Same conversation. I probably do need to work on my attitude when it comes to his brother, I just don't have the patience for this man.

Maybe you can tell your husband that if he wants, he can get a second job and pay for an apartment for his brother if he feels that strongly (as long as it doesn't take away from your family time!). Under the circumstances you describe, I would absolutely not let BIL to stay at my house. Your BIL needs to grow up and support himself. The entire family needs to stop enabling him to wander through life as an irresponsible, disrespectful and demanding jerk.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Your DH loves his brother and its only natural for him to want to help. HOWEVER, destroying your marriage in the process is not the answer.

Where is the girlfriend these days? Would you be saddled with both of them?

she is still living with her parents, I think if he stayed with us she absolutely would at the very least be at my house on the weekends too.

 

[Grmnshplvr]

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear this. I can't even imagine what your DH is thinking to want BIL to come there, knowing that BIL is the sort of person who would take advantage of his own mother to the point that she isn't willing or able to help him any longer. What makes your DH think BIL will treat him, and you, any differently?

My husband feels very strongly that his brother is a victim. I've tried talking reason into him about it but he doesn't see it as I do, or the rest of the world does. The texts MIL sent to BIL were very vulgar and downright nasty...so right now BIL and DH are fixated on how mean she was instead of what her words were actually saying..mean or not it was the truth.

 

[PlutoPony]

Ok, now that I've had a minute to think and not just react, here's another approach that might be more effective... Again, discussion needs to be done in person.

Ask your husband to lay out how it would work for everyone - family + BIL - if he moved in. Let HIM come up with the scenario of day to day living at your house with BIL.
Where would he sleep, how that would effect each member of the family, what kind of "rules" would he lay on BIL.
My bet is he's given absolutely no thought to how this would work for you all, and what would be different from how the situation developed with mom.
Hopefully as he talks things out - probably considering the real ramifications of this for the first time - he'll come to the conclusion that it just won't work.

I'm going back to how this went when your husband wanted BIL to stay at your house during your vacation. When he actually thought it through, your husband came to the "Right" conclusion. I think he will this time if he's able to calmly think it through.

And then I'd go for marriage counseling.