"I don't like food, I love it. And if I don't love it, I don't swallow." - Anton Ego
I can't even count how many times I've throw that quote out there in my reports, but I absolutely love it. Never gets old. Especially in that voice.
Now I'd like to pretend that we were all fancy schmancy, hoighty toighty about our selections, but really we weren't, rather quite the opposite. It was hard, initially to pick dining, because at first I thought I needed to avoid restaurants I'd eaten at with Mom.
Do you realize how little that actually leaves me?
And then I thought, well, we'll do some that we hadn't done in a while.
And that really didn't work either. What I realized was that in trying to make everything so different, it was more glaringly obvious that I was missing my mother. Instead of being able to eat at some of the same places and honor her memory, it was like I was trying to completely stick my head in the sand and avoid the pain altogether.
Well, folks, the pain is there. It's real, it exists, and I live with it every day. Disney or no Disney, Chef Mickey's or no Chef Mickey's, it's there. The key, I've learned, is really trying to regain that positive spin, that positive energy. To think of things not as "I don't have a mother," but, "I had a wonderful mother." Some people never get what I had. I may have wanted it longer, that's for sure, but I am lucky that I had it at all.
Oh sure, there are days that I don't feel like that. There are days when I just want to wallow in my own pity. And sometimes I do, because I try to honor each emotion that as I'm feeling it and not apologize for feeling that way. I'm a big, I'm sorry, but this is how I feel type of person, and I'm learning not to be. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, regardless of what you or I or anyone else thinks about that.
And now let's sing kumbayah.
I digress. Anyway, the week before Christmas was a huge turning point for me. I really didn't want to go through the holiday. Period. At. All. My mother always started her Christmas shopping on December 26th, savvy? She would purchase things as she found them, well in advance, so suffice it to say, Nemo and Squirt both had presents that were purchased by my mother this year. As I was wrapping the presents for Squirt, this feeling just came over me. Suddenly, I was happy to be wrapping these gifts. I was enjoying the moment. I was even happy that Christmas was coming.
It was that quick, my emotional shift. I'll tell you flat out that I think the spirit of my mother touched me in that moment and let me know that it was okay. And as my therapist has often said, "you can miss your mother and be happy about the holiday or about becoming who you are without her. They're not mutually exclusive emotions." And she's right. I can miss her, and I can be sad, and hold that in my heart while continuing on and being happy for what I do have.
I posted on Facebook Christmas or the day after, "Knowing what I've lost makes me grateful for what I have."
This is pretty much my current mantra. So thinking that I wouldn't eat a places I'd been with Mom or trying to make our trip so super different...well, it just wasn't making sense. I won't lie to you. It's going to be hard to walk into these restaurants, it's going to be hard to be at Disney World, all of it will be hard! But it's also a vacation...it's something she loved, and it's something she'd want me to continue to love.
So, without further ado, we have:
Saturday, May 28, 2011 - Arrive - Magic Kingdom
*it is a must in my family to start with this park, when I suggested otherwise, MJS gave me a look that said, "are you nuts, woman?"
Sunday, May 29, 2011 - Lunch at the Brown Derby
Monday, May 30, 2011 - Early Dinner at the Coral Reef
Tuesday, May 31, 2011 - Late Breakfast at Chef Mickey's
Wednesday, June 1, 2011 - Go Home (Boo, hiss!)
The goal with the Brown Derby on Sunday is to be able to take advantage of Star Wars weekends. I also thought if we'd had enough of DHS later in the day, we could just hop over to Epcot and maybe do the back of the park, some shopping in the countries for Nana and I. Again, none of my plans are set in stone, so that's one idea of many.
Early dinner at the Coral Reef is set with the specific goal of leaving the whole day open. I really want to spend at least the morning, if not half the day at the resort. This is so anti what we normally do, but I am really looking forward to some downtime at CBR. Nemo is over the moon excited over the pirate pool, and I am over the moon excited over a Pina CoLava, and what I like to call the sit and sip. There are so many great little places to do that at CBR, and I can't wait to find my own little spot.
Nemo is also thrilled about the Coral Reef. He's been there before, but it was at least two years ago, so it's been a while. When I described to him the basic concept of the huge aquarium wall and watching the fish while you eat, well, he was sold!!!
I thought perhaps we'd do the front of Epcot. I don't anticipate we'll do a ton up here, more the kid oriented rides like Nemo, Figment, Spaceship Earth, stuff like that. If MJS wants to get some thrill rides going on, we can always figure out a way to work that in. Again, everything is super flexible, and I haven't really even checked out extra magic hours, which I'm sure will be nice to take advantage of with our hopper passes.
What can I say about Chef Mickey's that hasn't already been said? It's our favorite. We love the food, we love the characters, and it's become a family tradition. I never thought I'd be able to do this on my first trip back, but after seeing how important it is to Nemo, and knowing how much MJS and Nana love it, well, I think it's a good idea to uphold this tradition.
Truthfully, I think I'll have a harder time afterwards when Nana and I go shopping in the Contemporary than during the actual meal. That's something we ladies always did while the boys went off to play in the arcade.
I won't lie, when I was done, I'd go play in the arcade too, but it was nice to have that girl time. I'll definitely be missing my mother on the one hand, and on the other, super grateful that I have Nana to share it with.
I worry more now about losing Nana. Quite frankly, I worry about losing everyone, and I think that's a normal part of processing grief. So although I'm sad to not have Mom, I'm so glad to have a wonderful family who can still appreciate Disney with me.
Knowing what I've lost makes me grateful for what I have.