VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[cheermom1]

to OP

I'm thinking an official step-parent slogan should be adopted: "D***ed if you do, d***ed if you don't."

I totally understand what you are saying about the money for the cars being from you. Even if you share household expenses, etc. For example, our first Christmas together I spent the exact same amount of money on all 4 of our kids because I wanted to be fair. I was staying at home at the time so I thought that it would be wrong for us as a household to spend more on one kid than another. But it was wrong. Because my kid only gets one Christmas - while the other kids get 2. Birthdays too. So I adjusted it so if I spent $100 on the other kids, my son gets $200. It's not favoritism - DBF pays for his children, while we both pay for our son. Technically, even though now I'm working, all the soup is ladled from the same pot, so I'm sure the argument could be made that my DBF is buying his youngest son twice the amount of stuff - but mentally it works out for us.

The OP shouldn't have to give everyone a run-down of her financial situation and personal history to get people to see what she explained very clearly - DH didn't buy a car for her kids. He's also not buying his kids cars. The ex is trying to make it seem like he did and make the kids feel like they aren't equal - when in actuality they are. luvmy3 said it best.

Thank you so much and you are right. I do buy for my kids and dh buys for his when it comes to stuff like that and I don;t complain if he spends more on his then I do on mine and if I spend more on mine he doesn;t complain. It all works out anyway. I do get them things at christmas and their bdays from just me but we have to be cleaver about it (if their mom finds out we would never hear the end of it). But yes you are right the boys do get 2 of everything and they have no problem telling us that they do get 2. I ignore it and so do my kids b/c I know that it is their mom talking. That is why I said I feel for them, they for some reason think that they should always have more, bigger and better than everyone not just me and my kids but everyone. They have the world owes me mentality and that they got from their mom. But what can I do to get to not think that way? Nothing I feel helpless about some of it b/c they have problems at school b/c of that too. I let dh handle it when they are here and act that way but when they are with their mom all week and come here for a weekend or for a couple of weeks there isn't much we can do.

over all they are good kids that don;t know any better than they are taught. We try but like I said not much we can do but teach them when we have them is all.

thanks to everyone for the kids words and understanding. Like I said I think I'll sit them down and have an open discussion with them about this and see what we can come up with if they are feeling left out.

 

[sasywtch]

I haven't read all the replies but gosh, this is so close to home.
Ok, the aunt is buying "his kids" a car however, that is not their "dad" buying them a car. His kids are only hearing (seeing) that they aren't as important. It doesn't matter if you and your husband tell them they are just as important, the actions don't prove it to them.
Once you combine a family and start with the your money, my money, your kids, my kids, it's a recipe for disaster. You married the man with kids so it's no longer yours and his.
My kids went through this exactly and now have resentment for their dad, won't go around the stepmother. Father's day they went out to ice cream because they didn't want to go around the stepmother. The other daughter has been to Hawaii at 16, got a car given to her at 16. I don't know if your ex wife is still single but alot of time, it's a lot more difficult to save $$ in a single income home even with child support.
And the saying "he pays child support so he does his share". Child support is to pay the rent, food, clothing. Children who are living in the new home have those items taken care of so their "child support" is also being paid plus they get extras such as cars, trips etc.

What those kids see is, her kids are getting a car from dad and we don't whether that is what actually happened or not. They don't understand, your money, his money. They understand, your kids, his kids. The division and your helping that division.

Why do people marry people with kids and then not expect to treat them as their own and then wonder why the problems start?

I remarried a man with three kids. I was out buying Christmas presents for all the kids as if they were all my own.

Also, may point out that I noticed my boys are having a much more difficult time with it than my daughters. I can also see that if your husband has boys, it may be bothering them in ways that they don't have their dad at home and then your boys that are there, get cars.

If you "as a married couple" cannot afford for all, you should not do at all.

 

[cheermom1]

I haven't read all the replies but gosh, this is so close to home.
Ok, the aunt is buying "his kids" a car however, that is not their "dad" buying them a car. His kids are only hearing (seeing) that they aren't as important. It doesn't matter if you and your husband tell them they are just as important, the actions don't prove it to them.
Once you combine a family and start with the your money, my money, your kids, my kids, it's a recipe for disaster. You married the man with kids so it's no longer yours and his.
My kids went through this exactly and now have resentment for their dad, won't go around the stepmother. Father's day they went out to ice cream because they didn't want to go around the stepmother. The other daughter has been to Hawaii at 16, got a car given to her at 16. I don't know if your ex wife is still single but alot of time, it's a lot more difficult to save $$ in a single income home even with child support.
And the saying "he pays child support so he does his share". Child support is to pay the rent, food, clothing. Children who are living in the new home have those items taken care of so their "child support" is also being paid plus they get extras such as cars, trips etc.

What those kids see is, her kids are getting a car from dad and we don't whether that is what actually happened or not. They don't understand, your money, his money. They understand, your kids, his kids. The division and your helping that division.

Why do people marry people with kids and then not expect to treat them as their own and then wonder why the problems start?

I remarried a man with three kids. I was out buying Christmas presents for all the kids as if they were all my own.

Also, may point out that I noticed my boys are having a much more difficult time with it than my daughters. I can also see that if your husband has boys, it may be bothering them in ways that they don't have their dad at home and then your boys that are there, get cars.

If you "as a married couple" cannot afford for all, you should not do at all.

For the hundredth time the kids already knew as we did that aunt will buy them a car and that was the choice dh and his ex made long ago. The aunt said she wanted to buy them a car as her gift long ago. The aunt already bought one boy a truck and is planing on buying the other 2 a car as well.

This all happened before me. But once I bought my kids a car is when the problem started. If I had not bought my kids a car and let them do without while the boys still got their car biomom would not have a problem.

I still fail to see the problem, all kids are getting a car, it is just that biomoms aunt wanted to buy the boys their cars and bio parents agreed she can.

So biomom wants dh to buy each boy a car on top of the car that aunt will buy them and for my kids to not have one at all. This is the problem I am see from her and from a lot of people on this board they seem to think my kids shouldn't get a car and the step kids should get 2 cars. How is that even fair at all?

Like I said all kids are getting a car what is the problem? I can't go back in time and tell aunt she is not allowed to buy them a car. Aunt has already started buying them their cars and she has her heart set on buying them for them.

I took it as the boys's cars are taken care of b/c their parents and the aunt agreed she was buying them. So i had to only worry about my 2 and where their cars were coming from.

But in all fairness it isn;t like I made sure my kids got a car and the boys didn;t get one at all. Not like in your example of your kids not going to Hawaii but step kid got to go.

I have said this before several times if the aunt wasn't buying the cars we would be helping biomom pay for them. I still don't understand why I'm still being picked a part when I have made it very clear that if aunt wasn't buying them we would be paying half of each car. And yes only half b/c the boys still have both parents very much a part of their lives. Which one of the reasons I alone bought my kids their cars.

One other thing is that I want to point out that it has nothing to do with dh stepping up or not the aunt made it very clear she wanted to do this for the boys and really has her heart set on doing for them. Dh and biomom choose to let her is all.

As I have said before I didn't create the division biomom did. From past experience we came up with a plan that keeps the peace with HER!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Wow a lot happened here last night.

Okay, just as an outsider my feeling is that others are correct this is about something other than cars.
Also it is clear from your posts that your DHs ex is a piece of work and that she is making things very hard for your family. However, I think (just based on what is in this thread--obviously I do not really know you) that you and your DH have (and do) greatly contribute to the problems and play right into her hands:

Honestly, I think a huge mistake was made when you and your current DH married without agreeing on a mutaul parenting style first.. My opinion is that children in the same household should be treated similarly by the parents in that household (I say similarly and not equally because obviously all kids are different and you have to do what works for each individual child--but the parents should be coming from the same place in figuring that out). I get that step parents often have to walk a fine line and can show all of the love but may need to have the bio parent handle the discipline, BUT the things that they will get in trouble for, the extent of the trouble, etc should be pretty much the same for all kids in a household. I seems to me that you two set yourselves up for drama when you agreed to each just parent your own children how you see fit because you have such different views. Basically your starting point was one of keeping divisions in tact rather than one of working to blend the family. Personally I really do not think that attitude is fair to ANY of the kids.

The other issue (and others have said this) is that you and your DH are allowing his ex to have waaaaaaaay too much control over your loves. Yes, she has say in the big things about her kids even when they are at your house (like making sure they continue to take medicines or go to school), but everything not hugely major that happens while they are in your (yours and DHs) is not her business. When you do not give gifts to your step kids (or only small ones you can "sneak in" etc what the kids learn is that Dad and stepmom care more about pacifying their mother than about loving them. Love the kids and show them that love and earn their love in return without playing into their mother's drama. Just ignore her if she goes on about junk that is not her business. If she is the only one engaging in the drama then eventually the kids will know full well where it comes from and they will either not tell her what happens with you (just to keep her quiet) or they might choose to keep telling her to drive her nutty and get her attention (because hey that is what kids do), but it will be their call and they will finally have some power in their lives AND some love and respect and feeling of belonging in your home. Sadly, I don't know how much if this you can do on your own. From your posts on this thread it sounds like you DH is still letting his ex-wife control many of his actions both with his children and with you. That would drive me crazy and I feel for you dealing with it. TO me, you have to get together with your DH and be a team, a team who is there for each other and all of your kids and when you have that mentality you will be able to help the kids and ignore the mother--but as long as it is his and mine and ex has unreasonable control you will have unnecessary drama and the kids will get the short end of the stick.

 

[NHdisneylover]

For the hundredth time the kids already knew as we did that aunt will buy them a car and that was the choice dh and his ex made long ago. The aunt said she wanted to buy them a car as her gift long ago. The aunt already bought one boy a truck and is planing on buying the other 2 a car as well.

This all happened before me. But once I bought my kids a car is when the problem started. If I had not bought my kids a car and let them do without while the boys still got their car biomom would not have a problem.

I still fail to see the problem, all kids are getting a car, it is just that biomoms aunt wanted to buy the boys their cars and bio parents agreed she can.

So biomom wants dh to buy each boy a car on top of the car that aunt will buy them and for my kids to not have one at all. This is the problem I am see from her and from a lot of people on this board they seem to think my kids shouldn't get a car and the step kids should get 2 cars. How is that even fair at all?

Like I said all kids are getting a car what is the problem? I can't go back in time and tell aunt she is not allowed to buy them a car. Aunt has already started buying them their cars and she has her heart set on buying them for them.

I took it as the boys's cars are taken care of b/c their parents and the aunt agreed she was buying them. So i had to only worry about my 2 and where their cars were coming from.

But in all fairness it isn;t like I made sure my kids got a car and the boys didn;t get one at all. Not like in your example of your kids not going to Hawaii but step kid got to go.

I have said this before several times if the aunt wasn't buying the cars we would be helping biomom pay for them. I still don't understand why I'm still being picked a part when I have made it very clear that if aunt wasn't buying them we would be paying half of each car. And yes only half b/c the boys still have both parents very much a part of their lives. Which one of the reasons I alone bought my kids their cars.

One other thing is that I want to point out that it has nothing to do with dh stepping up or not the aunt made it very clear she wanted to do this for the boys and really has her heart set on doing for them. Dh and biomom choose to let her is all.

As I have said before I didn't create the division biomom did. From past experience we came up with a plan that keeps the peace with HER!

I spent forever typing my post and this went on while I was typing. That last sentence sums up what I was trying to get at. It should NOT be about keeping the peace with the ex--it should be about doing what is best for the kids. Those boys are learning that dad would rather pacify mom than treat them properly which is wrong. You should not have to run your life around keeping the ex happy either.

 

[cheermom1]

Wow a lot happened here last night.

Okay, just as an outsider my feeling is that others are correct this is about something other than cars.
Also it is clear from your posts that your DHs ex is a piece of work and that she is making things very hard for your family. However, I think (just based on what is in this thread--obviously I do not really know you) that you and your DH have (and do) greatly contribute to the problems and play right into her hands:

Honestly, I think a huge mistake was made when you and your current DH married without agreeing on a mutaul parenting style first.. My opinion is that children in the same household should be treated similarly by the parents in that household (I say similarly and not equally because obviously all kids are different and you have to do what works for each individual child--but the parents should be coming from the same place in figuring that out). I get that step parents often have to walk a fine line and can show all of the love but may need to have the bio parent handle the discipline, BUT the things that they will get in trouble for, the extent of the trouble, etc should be pretty much the same for all kids in a household. I seems to me that you two set yourselves up for drama when you agreed to each just parent your own children how you see fit because you have such different views. Basically your starting point was one of keeping divisions in tact rather than one of working to blend the family. Personally I really do not think that attitude is fair to ANY of the kids.

The other issue (and others have said this) is that you and your DH are allowing his ex to have waaaaaaaay too much control over your loves. Yes, she has say in the big things about her kids even when they are at your house (like making sure they continue to take medicines or go to school), but everything not hugely major that happens while they are in your (yours and DHs) is not her business. When you do not give gifts to your step kids (or only small ones you can "sneak in" etc what the kids learn is that Dad and stepmom care more about pacifying their mother than about loving them. Love the kids and show them that love and earn their love in return without playing into their mother's drama. Just ignore her if she goes on about junk that is not her business. If she is the only one engaging in the drama then eventually the kids will know full well where it comes from and they will either not tell her what happens with you (just to keep her quiet) or they might choose to keep telling her to drive her nutty and get her attention (because hey that is what kids do), but it will be their call and they will finally have some power in their lives AND some love and respect and feeling of belonging in your home. Sadly, I don't know how much if this you can do on your own. From your posts on this thread it sounds like you DH is still letting his ex-wife control many of his actions both with his children and with you. That would drive me crazy and I feel for you dealing with it. TO me, you have to get together with your DH and be a team, a team who is there for each other and all of your kids and when you have that mentality you will be able to help the kids and ignore the mother--but as long as it is his and mine and ex has unreasonable control you will have unnecessary drama and the kids will get the short end of the stick.

First dh and I agree way more them they agree. Believe we both (dh and I) tried to make it work as a blended family but biomom refused to have any of it and still does. It doesn';t matter what we say or do or how fair we try to make it for the kids she doesn't care. It comes back down to her is that he should be with her and her only and she will use the kids any way she can (her words not mine) the kids therapist told dh that she is not going to stop and he said he was going to have a talk with her about some of the things she was doing (long story but she was caught in lies by him) and the next afternoon she said the boys aren't going back to the quack. Now do you get the idea?

I try my best to keep her out of all choices when it comes to my house. I let dh handle is kids and her. I don;t go out of my way to get my kids anything just to stick it his kids. And that is NOT the case here either. Dh and biomom already made this choice for them I didn;t have anything to with it. However I knew long ago i wanted to get my kids a car for their 16th bdays before I was married. We thought we had it all worked out b/c all kids will get a car.

 

[NHdisneylover]

First dh and I agree way more them they agree. Believe we both (dh and I) tried to make it work as a blended family but biomom refused to have any of it and still does. It doesn';t matter what we say or do or how fair we try to make it for the kids she doesn't care. It comes back down to her is that he should be with her and her only and she will use the kids any way she can (her words not mine) the kids therapist told dh that she is not going to stop and he said he was going to have a talk with her about some of the things she was doing (long story but she was caught in lies by him) and the next afternoon she said the boys aren't going back to the quack. Now do you get the idea?

yes I do. She is psychotic and driving you all batty and I am sorry for that BUT she is also being allowed to interfere in your home life (by your DH and you) and make things even worse for the boys. The therapist even said she is not going to stop--so all you can do is do your part to make things as good and safe as possible for the kids while they are with you and ignore her (or if you really have therapists who say she is using the kids go back to court for full custody). Your vent is that you wanted her to mind her own business--but you only seem to want her to do that as it relates to YOUR biological kids. I think you and your DH should be repeating "mind your own business" (okay, well come up with a nicer phrase lol) pretty much all the darn time to the woman when she interferes with BOTH of your kids while they are in BOTH of your care.

 

[cheermom1]

yes I do. She is psychotic and driving you all batty and I am sorry for that BUT she is also being allowed to interfere in your home life (by your DH and you) and make things even worse for the boys. The therapist even said she is not going to stop--so all you can do is do your part to make things as good and safe as possible for the kids while they are with you and ignore her (or if you really have therapists who say she is using the kids go back to court for full custody). Your vent is that you wanted her to mind her own business--but you only seem to want her to do that as it relates to YOUR biological kids. I think you and your DH should be repeating "mind your own business" (okay, well come up with a nicer phrase lol) pretty much all the darn time to the woman when she interferes with BOTH of your kids while they are in BOTH of your care.

As I said I let dh handle her and I have told him the same thing you are preaching to the choir. The best I can do is try to keep me and my kids out of it the best I can. She is not going to stop till he puts his foot down and not allow her to tell him what to do. I refuse to let her tell me what to do. I do buy the boys things she just doesn't know it. As far as the therapist goes she took them out and refuses to let them go to anymore for fear she will get called out again. We have talked to lawyers but they all seem to think we are better off just riding it out. They said this is the hardest thing to prove and it takes long time and the kids are dragged through too much mess.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As I said I let dh handle her and I have told him the same thing you are preaching to the choir. The best I can do is try to keep me and my kids out of it the best I can. She is not going to stop till he puts his foot down and not allow her to tell him what to do. I refuse to let her tell me what to do. I do buy the boys things she just doesn't know it. As far as the therapist goes she took them out and refuses to let them go to anymore for fear she will get called out again. We have talked to lawyers but they all seem to think we are better off just riding it out. They said this is the hardest thing to prove and it takes long time and the kids are dragged through too much mess.

This is where I feel for you (I really do) you are stuck between a rock (the ex) and a ahrd place (the husband who lets her control his life) I cannot imagine being there. I guess (and not having ever been a step parent who know if I would really do what I think I would do) I am so focused on children being treated fairly that I owuld tell them both that the kids are more important and I will nto stay out of it--I will treat those kids well and love them wether they like it or not--and if my DH would give me grief or leave me over me loving his kids then he is not anyone I would want to be with (or having around my own kids) anyway. But then I have never been in our situation, obviously.

I DO think others are correct that you would be taken much mroe seriously if you changed your signature to read DS17 DD16 DsS14 DsS12 DsS10 (or whatever the ages are). It is not that they are rock band players (hey I get that might well be their personalities--though funny that they are all into the same thing as their main thing--most kids in a family vary more than that, but you might not get to see enough of them to know either and you are limited to DIS smilies after all) but rather that they do not get listed as INDIVIDUALS that gives the impression that you do not really care much for them. It is also sad that they do not even merit a D (darling, dear, disney--whatever it is supposed to mean) in front of their names. The above was just a friendly tip

 

[cheermom1]

This is where I feel for you (I really do) you are stuck between a rock (the ex) and a ahrd place (the husband who lets her control his life) I cannot imagine being there. I guess (and not having ever been a step parent who know if I would really do what I think I would do) I am so focused on children being treated fairly that I owuld tell them both that the kids are more important and I will nto stay out of it--I will treat those kids well and love them wether they like it or not--and if my DH would give me grief or leave me over me loving his kids then he is not anyone I would want to be with (or having around my own kids) anyway. But then I have never been in our situation, obviously.

I DO think others are correct that you would be taken much mroe seriously if you changed your signature to read DS17 DD16 DsS14 DsS12 DsS10 (or whatever the ages are). It is not that they are rock band players (hey I get that might well be their personalities--though funny that they are all into the same thing as their main thing--most kids in a family vary more than that, but you might not get to see enough of them to know either and you are limited to DIS smilies after all) but rather that they do not get listed as INDIVIDUALS that gives the impression that you do not really care much for them. The above was just a friendly tip

Yeah I know but still at the same time why should I change just b/c people have never met me will assume something like that based on what I put there? Plus They really are really big in rock band and love it. Anyway I have been thinking of changing it but I do feel as tho I'd only be doing to make strangers happy and not my stepsons.

I do love my stepsons in my own way and one of the problems is that that made has made it bad for us that we haven't been able to bond they way we should and they hold out and don;t really have anything to do with me. They fear they will get in trouble if they do b/c they have before. I have chosen to let them do what they feel comfortable doing. If they feel like talking to me they will if they don;t I don't force them. I don;t force them to call me anything like mom or something like that. they call me Linda b/c their mom made it very clear that they are to call me nothing! But they do call me Linda. I don;t think most understand what really is going on. I do know that they have told their dad lots of times that when they go home mom with sit them down and make them say something bad that I supposedly did to them so she can call dh and tell him what I did wrong. I really feel for the boys b/c they have said so many times that they hate it when she does that b/c I really am a good mom. When we first got married the boys were always getting in trouble b/c they would tell her that I did this with them and that with them, and their mom would start in about how horrible I was, they got tired of it and defended,me and they would get grounded. I told them not to defend me that I am a big girl and can handle it but they didn't need to be trouble. She is the one that keeps putting the kids in the middle by doing this and by telling the boys that dh doesn't pay support and he doesn;t pay that or this or whatever it is at the moment. Dh does pay everything he supposed to and he pays for football and other things as well. He just wants to keep the peace so bad and talk to her as little as he can which is why he doesn't stand up on a lot of things.

 

[cheermom1]

I spent forever typing my post and this went on while I was typing. That last sentence sums up what I was trying to get at. It should NOT be about keeping the peace with the ex--it should be about doing what is best for the kids. Those boys are learning that dad would rather pacify mom than treat them properly which is wrong. You should not have to run your life around keeping the ex happy either.

It should not be about making her happy no but we have to in order to make it better for the boys. If we don;t it is a lot worse for them so we do love them my trying our best to make it better for them. It is late and I haven;t slept b/c the dang dog won't stop barking so if I am making typos or anything like that it is b/c of that. LOL

 

[Disneyadore]

Reading this I ,again for the millioned time, thank God that our parents did NOT treat us equally.
We all were given what we needed when the time was there.
With Christmas every one got what they wished and NEEDED. One of us could get a bike and the other Lego. The difference could be hundreds of dollars but we were thought NEVER to look a the value nor were we allowed to be jealous.

My brother got a car when he needed one when he was eighteen, my sister a new roof on her house, my brother a complete new inventory when he was divorced.

This made us all strong and prepared us for the big world that is not going to treat you "fair". It thought us not to be jealous at each other and not to be jealous at strangers.

We as brothers and sister love each other still after all these years and we still accept the "unequal giving" from my mother.
My mother knew it was my greatest wish to go to WDW with my sister. My sister could not afford it so my mother paid her bill to please me. The other siblings were very exited we could go together and were happy for us.
I’m going to be hospitalized soon and chemo is waiting on the doorsteps for me so my mother bought me an E reader. My brother called me and asked what kind of “book” he could buy me instead of moaning about “not fair or not being equal”.

OP you are doing the right thing. Don't let others tell you what to do. Do as you please and believe me giving in to a kid that is already wining for jealousy when he is 14 will created a monster of demands when he is eighteen.

 

[heartofdisney]

I read all the posts about this,and I just have to say,I don't see Cheermom doing anything wrong in buying her children a car. If it was agreed between her husband and his ex that the aunt would buy thier boys a car when they reached age,then that is between the boys parents. So why should her children not be allowed to get a car,when they are already at the driving age for crying out loud? Seriously,it seems wrong to think it is alright for the boys to be allowed to get a car,but not her kids? How fair is that then? I agree with the poster who said the dad could maybe help with insurance or fix the boys cars up oe whatever though.

 

[luvsJack]

First of all, we have no idea if they are equal gifts. Second, the parents are putting out a large amount of money for one set of kids not the other -- who cares what the aunt arranged? The mom is still making it clear that she will spend money on one set she won't on the other -- in fact, she has said several times that she would give money to the step kids cars if their mom did the same (1/2 of 1/2 -- what a sport). She obviously had no such restrictions on her own kids. Kids know the difference, and they see the unequal treatment. Maybe you can ask the OP why the step kids are not worthy of their own ages in her siggy. Talk about different treatment from the beginning. Just listen to how she talks about them. As others have said, this goes well beyond cars.

I am not asking her that because its only something a very small minded person would be worried about.

So the step-sons should have two cars? One for auntie and one from their dad? Having been there/done that, I would just about bet that the feeling slighted and worried about the unequal treatment comes from the ex-wife not the kids. (For us it was the step-mom that was afraid my kids were getting treated better, she just couldn't get that her son did NOT become a part of my family when she married the idiot. )

If the ex didn't sit around moaning and groaning that the OP"s kids are getting things, they probably would not give it a second thought. After all, THEY ARE GETTING A CAR! (and I am sorry but most 16 year olds do not give a rat's butt where the thing is coming from as long as they get one)

I suggested that the OP's husband should be planning something extra special for his kids 16th birthday, just not a car.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I'm now confused why someone would be gifted a car YEARS ahead of his 16th birthday. Did Auntie just have a spare truck that she said would be stepson's when he is of age? Actually going out and purchasing a vehicle for someone who can't drive it for years seems like a strange thing to do.

I would suggest counseling for OP and her family. I still think these issues go way beyond the car.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm now confused why someone would be gifted a car YEARS ahead of his 16th birthday. Did Auntie just have a spare truck that she said would be stepson's when he is of age? Actually going out and purchasing a vehicle for someone who can't drive it for years seems like a strange thing to do.

I would suggest counseling for OP and her family. I still think these issues go way beyond the car.

I agree with both of these points. i wondered about buying a car years ahead too--but figured op had nothing to do with that

and yes, counseling for you (OP) and your DH at the very least may help you come up with better strategies to deal with the ex and hande differences among the kids.

 

[kaytieeldr]

You buy a car for one child, you should buy them for all, regardless of whether they are "step" children or not.

Why?? My parents had six kids; they only bought a car for one (and no, it wasn't me). We survived. WHY do things always need to be equal??????

 

[luvsJack]

I'm now confused why someone would be gifted a car YEARS ahead of his 16th birthday. Did Auntie just have a spare truck that she said would be stepson's when he is of age? Actually going out and purchasing a vehicle for someone who can't drive it for years seems like a strange thing to do.

I would suggest counseling for OP and her family. I still think these issues go way beyond the car.

Perhaps she bought a new truck and kept the old one for the step-son? Or maybe a neighbor had it for sale and the boy commented that he loved that truck and that was the kind he wanted when he could drive, so she bought it.

I have a co-worker that has a mustang she is fixing up for her son, he is only 12. It will take until he is 16 to get the thing totally fixed up. My own son had an old camero as his first car. He and my dad picked it out when he was 14 or 15 and then fixed it up and had it ready to drive when he was 16.

I would agree with the family counseling but I also think the OP's dh needs some by himself to figure out why he is still allowing his ex to have so much control in his life. If nothing else, maybe it will give them some skills in dealing with the ex.

 

[kaytieeldr]

So why don't the stepkids get ages in your siggy? Too much work? Did the ex object?

The smilie consists of three characters with no space between to list ages. I'm sure cheermom1 is genuinely sorry she is unable to rewrite the programming for the smilie - the choice of which she has already explained - to include ages.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Was the truck really bought, or was it an extra old car they had while the OP bought her kids new cars?

Well, since the OP's oldest stepson is only fourteen, and since the truck was bought for him before she even married his father (even longer - in her own words, before she was even in the picture), does it really matter how exactly the truck was acquired? It was bought at some point, and has now been given to him. He's owning it well over two years before he can legally operate it.

And - new cars????????? Where did you EVER see the OP say she bought her teenagers NEW cars???????????????????????????????????