VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[disneyjunkie]

The smilie consists of three characters with no space between to list ages. I'm sure cheermom1 is genuinely sorry she is unable to rewrite the programming for the smilie - the choice of which she has already explained - to include ages.

The ages could have been listed after the word stepsons.

stepsons 5,6,7

Call me nuts, but I tend to read signatures. I've always wonder why the OP listed her children's ages but not her stepson's.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Again, I get the idea you taken on the evil step mom role by choice. Where are the step kids ages in your siggy? Are they ageless?

WHAT is your obsession with the stepsons' ages? Twice already, the OP has stated that the oldest stepson is fourteen; the two younger boys are, well, younger.

 

[kaytieeldr]

First of all, we have no idea if they are equal gifts. Absolutely. Generally, a used pickup truck is more expensive than a used car. In addition, given that the truck can't be legally driven for at least two more years, its value will depreciate more slowly than the used cars the OP bought the children to whom she gave birth. And the truck is less likely to be in an accident, and it costs less to operate. Second, the parents are putting out a large amount of money for one set of kids not the other No, the OP has paid some unspecified amount of money - likely savings/earnings from before she was married, i.e. her money - to purchase used cars for children whose sole support she had been -- who cares what the aunt arranged? The mom is still making it clear that she will spend money on one set she won't on the other -- in fact, she has said several times that she would give money to the step kids cars if their mom did the same (1/2 of 1/2 -- what a sport). Half of half? Where are you getting that? Do you mean that IF the aunt doesn't buy the boys the cars she promised, the OP and her husband would pay half if the boys' mother would pay half, for each boy's car - so that, technically, she personally would be paying a quarter? That's ENTIRELY reasonable. She obviously had no such restrictions on her own kids. That's right, she had no such 'restrictions' on her own kids. She paid 100% of the price of their cars, with no expectations of anybody else paying a single cent toward the cost of those cars Kids know the difference, and they see the unequal treatment. Maybe you can ask the OP why the step kids are not worthy of their own ages in her siggy. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about different treatment from the beginning. Just listen to how she talks about them. As others have said, this goes well beyond cars

It does. It's all about the stepmother, and the boys get caught in the middle. Your sympathy to the victims is noted.

 

[Shmily1]

OP, I agree with you. My step children are way older than my children and DH helped them each get a car then they worked to pay for it. When my children got cars that I pay for, the steps were jealous. DH told them that their mama (me) bought their cars and if his ex would have had a job instead of laying up all the time that she probably could have bought them a nice car like that too. I can still tell they are jealous because of the comments they make about DS20 and DD19 having new Mustangs, but it's just small comments and they never come right out and say it anymore.

 

[wdwfan16]

Drama drama, so you would as a kid expect 2 cars?

Not two cars but your DH should pay the same amount to the Aunt to get the kids a better vehicle or hand each kid a gas card with the same amount on it (or the like but related to the car). Then you are being fair and not causing drama.

And if you pay your kids insurance then so should DH. If you fill your kids' tank then fill the step kids' tank

 

[Magic Mom]

DH told them that their mama (me) bought their cars and if his ex would have had a job instead of laying up all the time that she probably could have bought them a nice car like that too. I can still tell they are jealous because of the comments they make about DS20 and DD19 having new Mustangs, but it's just small comments and they never come right out and say it anymore.

He really said that to them?

 

[SaraJayne]

It does. It's all about the stepmother, and the boys get caught in the middle. Your sympathy to the victims is noted.

From what I remember about OP's previous posts, it seems to be a battle of who can cause more drama ~ OP or her husband's ex.

I don't believe she's as blameless as she tries to make herself out to be.

I agree with the other posters that said counseling would be a good option for the entire family.

 

[SaraJayne]

He really said that to them?

No kidding.

 

[wdwfan16]

to OP

I'm thinking an official step-parent slogan should be adopted: "D***ed if you do, d***ed if you don't."

I totally understand what you are saying about the money for the cars being from you. Even if you share household expenses, etc. For example, our first Christmas together I spent the exact same amount of money on all 4 of our kids because I wanted to be fair. I was staying at home at the time so I thought that it would be wrong for us as a household to spend more on one kid than another. But it was wrong. Because my kid only gets one Christmas - while the other kids get 2. Birthdays too. So I adjusted it so if I spent $100 on the other kids, my son gets $200. It's not favoritism - DBF pays for his children, while we both pay for our son. Technically, even though now I'm working, all the soup is ladled from the same pot, so I'm sure the argument could be made that my DBF is buying his youngest son twice the amount of stuff - but mentally it works out for us.

The OP shouldn't have to give everyone a run-down of her financial situation and personal history to get people to see what she explained very clearly - DH didn't buy a car for her kids. He's also not buying his kids cars. The ex is trying to make it seem like he did and make the kids feel like they aren't equal - when in actuality they are. luvmy3 said it best.

I am so glad that my cousin's second wife was not like you or the OP. He had three boys when they married. She included them in everything. They had a daughter together. They bought a home with 5 bedrooms so no kid had to share. Why, so the boys knew they were equal. Guess who bought them cars? That is right the step-mom. She never says this is my money and only my special daughter gets it. All get equal Christmases, birthday etc. The step-mom even pays for college. She did this because those kids are a part of her DH and to not threat them like her own is disrespecting her DH.

The boys, now all adults, respect her, care about her, confide in her WHY? because she became another person who cared about them. BTW the cousin's ex was a pain in the but and in the picture but they did not say you will have a Christmas there so we owe you less. My cousin paid all his child support and many times paid more if there was a need at the mom's because his boys lived there too and he wanted them to have a great life.

As you see it was all about the all the kids not just the ones she popped out.

 

[SaraJayne]

I am so glad that my cousin's second wife was not like you or the OP. He had three boys when they married. She included them in everything. They had a daughter together. They bought a home with 5 bedrooms so no kid had to share. Why, so the boys knew they were equal. Guess who bought them cars? That is right the step-mom. She never says this is my money and only my special daughter gets it. All get equal Christmases, birthday etc. The step-mom even pays for college. She did this because those kids are a part of her DH and to not threat them like her own is disrespecting her DH.

I have a relatively new (married within the last year) SIL that married my husband's brother. They both have 3 children (6 total and one grandchild).

And I have to give her props for treating my niece and nephews exactly like she does her own. All the kids are treated equally and no one is left out of anything.

She loves those kids as her own (and BIL does the same for hers) and it's so great to see. There is no resentment, anger, behavior issues, etc.

 

[punkin]

I have nothing to add to the OP's drama. I just wanted to let everyone else on the thread know that not all stepparents are like this. The more I read in this thread the more thankful I am for my stepfather who loved me beyond words. He passed away 11 years ago and I miss his love and kindness every day.

 

[wdwfan16]

The ages could have been listed after the word stepsons.

stepsons 5,6,7

Call me nuts, but I tend to read signatures. I've always wonder why the OP listed her children's ages but not her stepson's.

Please stop being practical!!!!

 

[luvsJack]

I have two sons and am married to their step-father. We have a daughter together. My ex remarried (he is now divorced again) and he had 3 stepdd's and a stepds and then they adopted a a child together.

I would have never expected my sons to have everything equal at their father's house. Her kids lived in the house, mine did not. They did spend equal amounts on all the kids at Christmas and for birthdays until they just stopped buying at all. But, they didn't buy my kids clothes, shoes, etc. They didn't provide things mine needed for school. He did this through his child support but didn't actually go out and spend what he probably spent on her kids.

The OP's stepchildren do not live with her and have a mother and another family (aunts, uncles, etc.) that provides for them. Although their father should be providing by paying child support and buying things for them (gifts, fun things, etc. etc.), its just not realistic to believe that everything the OP does for her own children, that live with her, should also be done for the children that do not live with them and that have other people/family that are poviding these things. It is also not fair to expect her kids to go without a car (or anything else) because they can't do it for all of them but the other kids still get a car because they have family that will provide it.

 

[cheermom1]

Ok fine tell me how you that have ripped me apart make this fair?

Knowing the aunt will buy the boys a car no matter what b/c it will happen.

A. buy all the kids a car and let the boys have 2 cars. which buying a car is huge and no one can drive 2 at the same time.

B. Buy the boys a car and not mine. Which is what all you think I should. And leave my out of getting a car all together. And again the boys will still get 2 cars.

C. Or buy my kids a car knowing aunt will buy the boys a car and all will only have 1 car.

Any way you slice this the aunt is still buying the boys a car I can;t change that fact it is not my call.

I haven't read any of the replies since about 4am b/c I had to get some sleep.
It still seems fair to me for all the kids to have just 1 car a piece no matter where it comes from they still will only have 1 car. Like I have said so many times the aunt buying the cars for the boys is not my call and I have no control over it. really what do you strangers want me to do???

 

[Christine]

Ok fine tell me how you that have ripped me apart make this fair?

Knowing the aunt will buy the boys a car no matter what b/c it will happen.

A. buy all the kids a car and let the boys have 2 cars. which buying a car is huge and no one can drive 2 at the same time.

B. Buy the boys a car and not mine. Which is what all you think I should. And leave my out of getting a car all together. And again the boys will still get 2 cars.

C. Or buy my kids a car knowing aunt will buy the boys a car and all will only have 1 car.

Any way you slice this the aunt is still buying the boys a car I can;t change that fact it is not my call.

I haven't read any of the replies since about 4am b/c I had to get some sleep.
It still seems fair to me for all the kids to have just 1 car a piece no matter where it comes from they still will only have 1 car. Like I have said so many times the aunt buying the cars for the boys is not my call and I have no control over it. really what do you strangers want me to do???

Someone upthread gave a really great suggestion on what you should do since the stepsons are already getting cars from the aunt. I can't remembe exactly what it was and I don't feel like scrolling through the pages but it was something the along the lines of you all providing the sons with a gascard or some funds that you would have NORMALLY kicked in for a car for them had the aunt not been providing them.

This is not about cars per se. It is about your SO's children still feeling like their dad is their dad and has not given them up for a new family. It is their perception that their father is playing favorites with his girlfriend's kids. And while it is YOUR money that bought your children their own cars, at least some of that has to be made possible by your SO's income. I mean, if you didn't live with him and his income, maybe the money that is YOURS would not be available to purchase teen cars. I know that I have free cash to buy extra things but I certainly wouldn't if I was living on my own. So, in a sense, his income and household with you enables you to do more for your own children. Whether that's all true on not, I don't know. Maybe your SO doesn't even work and he doesn't "help" you at all.

But this is the stepkids perception and, right or wrong, that's how they probably feel. So, I think you need to do things to make it as equal as you can between the kids.

 

[cheermom1]

I have two sons and am married to their step-father. We have a daughter together. My ex remarried (he is now divorced again) and he had 3 stepdd's and a stepds and then they adopted a a child together.

I would have never expected my sons to have everything equal at their father's house. Her kids lived in the house, mine did not. They did spend equal amounts on all the kids at Christmas and for birthdays until they just stopped buying at all. But, they didn't buy my kids clothes, shoes, etc. They didn't provide things mine needed for school. He did this through his child support but didn't actually go out and spend what he probably spent on her kids.

The OP's stepchildren do not live with her and have a mother and another family (aunts, uncles, etc.) that provides for them. Although their father should be providing by paying child support and buying things for them (gifts, fun things, etc. etc.), its just not realistic to believe that everything the OP does for her own children, that live with her, should also be done for the children that do not live with them and that have other people/family that are poviding these things. It is also not fair to expect her kids to go without a car (or anything else) because they can't do it for all of them but the other kids still get a car because they have family that will provide it.

Thank you LovesJack you truly understand. I do hope your son didn't have as much trouble as my step kids do that they have with their mom. I wasn't meaning you but in general.
At the same time I don;t think anyone would agree I should make aunt buy my kids a car b/c if she buys for 1 shouldn't she have to buy for all??? Um no I don;t expect her to so Y would they expect me to buy another car for the boys just b/c i bought one for my kids even though the boys will be getting a car anyway. So either way you slice it the boys will either have 2 cars or 1 car. and they should only have 1 car right? As I have said the aunt buying the boys car is not my call it is their parents whom have already agreed to aunt buying the cars. The problem I was having is that biomom still expects us to buy a car the boys even though the boys will already get a car from aunt so according to her the boys should get 2. I am still failing to see how the boys getting 2 cars is fair.

 

[SaraJayne]

Someone upthread gave a really great suggestion on what you should do since the stepsons are already getting cars from the aunt. I can't remembe exactly what it was and I don't feel like scrolling through the pages but it was something the along the lines of you all providing the sons with a gascard or some funds that you would have NORMALLY kicked in for a car for them had the aunt not been providing them.

This is not about cars per se. It is about your SO's children still feeling like their dad is their dad and has not given them up for a new family. It is their perception that their father is playing favorites with his girlfriend's kids. And while it is YOUR money that bought your children their own cars, at least some of that has to be made possible by your SO's income. I mean, if you didn't live with him and his income, maybe the money that is YOURS would not be available to purchase teen cars. I know that I have free cash to buy extra things but I certainly wouldn't if I was living on my own. So, in a sense, his income and household with you enables you to do more for your own children. Whether that's all true on not, I don't know. Maybe your SO doesn't even work and he doesn't "help" you at all.

But this is the stepkids perception and, right or wrong, that's how they probably feel. So, I think you need to do things to make it as equal as you can between the kids.

Wait a second ~ is the OP married to this man or not? If she isn't, whoa boy...that puts a whole 'nother spin on the story.

 

[cheermom1]

Someone upthread gave a really great suggestion on what you should do since the stepsons are already getting cars from the aunt. I can't remembe exactly what it was and I don't feel like scrolling through the pages but it was something the along the lines of you all providing the sons with a gascard or some funds that you would have NORMALLY kicked in for a car for them had the aunt not been providing them.

This is not about cars per se. It is about your SO's children still feeling like their dad is their dad and has not given them up for a new family. It is their perception that their father is playing favorites with his girlfriend's kids. And while it is YOUR money that bought your children their own cars, at least some of that has to be made possible by your SO's income. I mean, if you didn't live with him and his income, maybe the money that is YOURS would not be available to purchase teen cars. I know that I have free cash to buy extra things but I certainly wouldn't if I was living on my own. So, in a sense, his income and household with you enables you to do more for your own children. Whether that's all true on not, I don't know. Maybe your SO doesn't even work and he doesn't "help" you at all.

But this is the stepkids perception and, right or wrong, that's how they probably feel. So, I think you need to do things to make it as equal as you can between the kids.

We can agree to disagree b/c I don't really think the kids see that b/c they have been told most of their lives that aunt will buy them a car and they were fine with that till I bought my kids their cars. All that needed to said was to remind them of that and why.We have sat the boys down several times and talked to them about certain things and they always seem to side with us and say "you know how mom is". Plus I NEVER EVER said that we were not going to get the boys something equal to what I got my kids for 16th bdays. in fact I did say that I know my dh has been planning a few things. It all boiled down to the fact the their mom wants us to buy them a car on top of the one that the aunt will buy.That is why i was upset that and the fact that she didn't give dh the chance to see what he was going to do b/c oldest ss will not be 16 for another 2 years. What more can I say to you people to understand that? I do like the idea of gas cards.

I have said that I will sit them down and have an open discussion with them about this. I don't want them to feel left out but at the same time they need to understand that getting 2 cars is not fair.

 

[cabanafrau]

2 cars per kid is nuts.

It gets very tricky w/ blended families to make sure all of the kids grow up feeling equally important as the others and love from all of the parental figures. Sometimes there are issues w/ full-blooded siblings living in the home w/ their own birth parents. All kids need to learn that equal and same are different words and the goal is to make sure that everyone has what they need, hopefully w/ something left over to provide some of the wants for each.

If a car isn't needed because they will have another, maybe your DH can take the money & put it towards their college funds, being sure to let his kids know directly & precisely why. As long as the kids understand dad wants to do the best for them & follows through, it won't matter what anyone else has to say.

 

[cheermom1]

Wait a second ~ is the OP married to this man or not? If she isn't, whoa boy...that puts a whole 'nother spin on the story.

Yes I';m married to dh have been for almost 7 years I don;t know where she got that from.