VENT!!! why can't people mind their own business

[cheermom1]

I'm a little confused. I understand that the aunt bought the oldest stepson's truck, but does the above mean that he only has use of it at her house and in the immediate vicinity of the house? If your children are able to have free use of their cars and the stepson's use is so restricted, I can certainly understand the hard feelings.

That is b/c he is just 14 and doesn't have his permit or DL but once he gets it will be able to use his truck when he wants and take it home. Make since now?

 

[EclecticWAHM]

I'm a little confused. I understand that the aunt bought the oldest stepson's truck, but does the above mean that he only has use of it at her house and in the immediate vicinity of the house? If your children are able to have free use of their cars and the stepson's use is so restricted, I can certainly understand the hard feelings.

The stepson isn't even 16 yet and doesn't have a license. Of COURSE his use of the truck is restricted - LOL

 

[cheermom1]

I love how the OP just avoids all questions that could show she is playing favorites.

The SS who is 14 has has a truck for years and drives it on the dirt road. By the time he gets it it may not even pass inspection.

First I have no clue what you are talking about and his aunt will make sure it will b/c that is the way she is. I know her very well. I can talk to her but not biomom. Aunt is a very nice person and she even feels that if she is going to buy the boys a car that dh shouldn't have too.

 

[razorbackfan22]

I have stepped out and let him handle it and he made it clear to me that if aunt wasn't going to buy the cars he would pay for half and have the biomom pay for half. This is what HE wants and how HE wants to take care of them getting a car. I don;t tell him how to spend his money nor do I tell him how to parent his kids or what to say to ex. I let him do all that, I was VENTING!!!

That is fine with me I have no problems with that all. I do have a problem with biomom telling me that I'm nothing to the step kids but then when she sees I bought something for my kids she demands the same. And at this point how does she know what we were going to do anyway as we still have 2 years till the oldest stepson is 16 anyway. She jumped gun, plus instead of asking dh what he plans on doing she just demanded.

I am working to piece together some of the issues. Your refusal to identify the ages of your step children has led to much confusion. Your husband has three sons by his first wife the oldest of whom is 14. The 14 year old's aunt purchased a truck some years ago for him and he is allowed to drive it on her property (he should have a learner's permit). Your children are now 17 and 16 and you purchased a car for each of them when they turned 16. Now after your DH's ex realized that your daughter's vehicle was not a shared vehicle after the purchase of your son's vehicle, she is pitching a hissy fit that her children be afforded equal treatment. Have I got it right?

 

[razorbackfan22]

That is b/c he is just 14 and doesn't have his permit or DL but once he gets it will be able to use his truck when he wants and take it home. Make since now?

It is against Arkansas state law to drive without a permit.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I feel for you ! I went through all kinds of hell from my ex husband for buying both my kids cars for thier 16th birthday . He never even was asked to buy a tank of gas but he always complained about how our son had a better car then he had.
He never even paid child support so I still dont know why he complained all the time .

I had to hear it from my sister because her kids thought she should buy them a car

the bottom line is YOUR MONEY YOUR BUSINESS

 

[wdwfan16]

So why don't the step kids get ages in your siggy? Too much work? Did the ex object?

How old is the kid with the truck? How long ago did he get the truck? How old it the truck? Does the truck actually run after all this time? Is it time for the truck to be replaced?

What kind of vehicles did you kids get?

How long have you been married?

The bolded line makes me wonder how old the truck is.

The OP says they split the bills. But that still leaves many questions. Who owns the home? How many bedrooms? Do the OP's bio kids each get a room and the three steps share a room? If the DH owned the home before they got married did the OP give him half the equity and then pay have the mortgage? If not, then she is using the DH's money to fund her kids fun items.

Just because the OP's DH pays support and the OP's ex does not is not the step kids problem. Why is the OP not going after the ex? Did she trade sole custody for the support?

First I have no clue what you are talking about and his aunt will make sure it will b/c that is the way she is. I know her very well. I can talk to her but not biomom. Aunt is a very nice person and she even feels that if she is going to buy the boys a car that dh shouldn't have too.

See above.

 

[cheermom1]

It is against Arkansas state law to drive without a permit.

yes you are right but I'm not the one allowing him to drive it.

 

[wdwfan16]

What year are the cars the DD and DS got and what year is the truck the DSS gets in two years?

 

[cheermom1]

See above.

I did answer some of those questions but some aren't anyone's business. But if you must know I didn't trade anything for no support, their dad is in prison where he has spent most of his life. But if you think I can get money out of him you are dead wrong. And I don;t know what any of that matters but NO the only kid that has their own room is my dd for obvious reasons. And we rent. geez

I already said I bought used cars for my kids and didn't spend that much on them. And judging from the truck she already bought the aunt will be buying similar cars.

i hope that makes you feel better?

 

[cheermom1]

What year are the cars the DD and DS got and what year is the truck the DSS gets in two years?

I have NO idea what year it is but I got my kids 1980's models

 

[sandramaac]

My opinion--which you will not like is that if all the kids live in your household at least part of the time either it needs to be that the cars for your biological kids are paid for half by you and half by their dad and then you can ask your DH's ex for the same OR if you (as one of the two parents in that household) provide a car entirely from that household for your two then the others should get one as well.
By saving YOUR money and only spending it on YOUR kids you are creating divisions and ultimately hurting your step children. It is not the kids' fault that you are at odds with their mom, or that their dad remarried someone with kids from a previous marriage, or any of the other drama--ya know?
I do find it odd that heir mother would anticipate and issue if the boys are not old enough to drive yet anyway. She clearly likes to create drama. Yuck.

I agree with this post 100%---there is no yours or mine, it ours!!!! Not sure I would want you to be my step mom if you felt it was ok to buy your kids something, but not the step kids. Sorta sounds a bit like Cinderella in your house.

 

[cheermom1]

I agree with this post 100%---there is no yours or mine, it ours!!!! Not sure I would want you to be my step mom if you felt it was ok to buy your kids something, but not the step kids. Sorta sounds a bit like Cinderella in your house.

Drama drama, so you would as a kid expect 2 cars?

 

[luvmy3]

It seems pretty simple, since you alone paid for your kids cars, your dh should demand that his ex alone pays for their kids cars

OP I don't see what you did as wrong or favortism. You shouldn't be involved in the decision to purchase your stepsons cars, their parents are the ones who are responsible for that decision, which appears to have been made already since the aunt will be purchasing them. If their mom wasn't in the picture, and you were the other primary caregiver (along with your dh) then you only buying your children a car would be a problem. However thats not the case here, their mom is in the picture and if she wants her kids to be treated equally then the only option she has is to purchase her kids cars herself since your dh didn't contribute any money to your kids cars.

 

[cheermom1]

It seems pretty simple, since you alone paid for your kids cars, your dh should demand that his ex alone pays for their kids cars

OP I don't see what you did as wrong or favortism. You shouldn't be involved in the decision to purchase your stepsons cars, their parents are the ones who are responsible for that decision, which appears to have been made already since the aunt will be purchasing them. If their mom wasn't in the picture, and you were the other primary caregiver (along with your dh) then you only buying your children a car would be a problem. However thats not the case here, their mom is in the picture and if she wants her kids to be treated equally then the only option she has is to purchase her kids cars herself since your dh didn't contribute any money to your kids cars.

Thank you lovemy3, if she wasn't in the pic it would be a whole different story. Plus IF she would just be a sane person and we could all get along we might have been able to come up some kind of agreement about a situation like this. But as far as she is concerned i'm nothing and therefore refuses to have anything to do with and trys her best to make the boys have nothing to do with me.

I am thinking that we should sit the boys down and have an open discussion about this and see what they have to say. who knows we might see that they don't have a problem. And if they are feeling left out we can see what we need to make them not feel that way.

 

[bumbershoot]

You buy a car for one child, you should buy them for all, regardless of whether they are "step" children or not.

OMG WHY????

I'm a stepdaughter two times over. I have two ex stepsisters, another male/female set of stepsiblings, and I have 3 half-siblings.

I have never EVER expected, and neither have they, that we would all be treated equally. How on earth could that even happen???

First stepdad and his first wife had kids, they were allowed to raise them as they pleased. Stepdad came into our lives; what he did with/for us should not have been related at all to his other kids. And heck, when he left, it's not like he paid child support or anything...we had a dad for that (though he rarely did). Second stepdad contributed nothing to me, but he did support my mom. Mom worked so she could support my younger brother without asking her new hubby for anything. but brother living there did get things that second stepdad's kids perhaps didn't (TV in brother's room, for instance, but that was after he had thoroughly proven that his grades were absolutely fabulous even with the apparent distraction of the TV) and that I didn't get! My brother in HS lived in a MUCH better house than I did in HS, because of the second stepdad. Should I have somehow been allowed to live there for 3 years just to get those years of living in a nicer house???No. That's ridiculous.

My mom raised me and my brother the way she saw fit. Stepdads helped raise their kids, noncustodial as they were, the way THEY saw fit. Neither stepdad felt that my mom's hippie ways were totally correct at all, but no one insisted that it all be equal among everyone.

Dad and stepmom deal with their kids completely differently than my mom dealt with us (well, at heart it's the same, but there are some big differences, not the least because he's there IN the house, not an hour away like he was for me and my brother). And that's OK! They get different privileges and that's OK. I get benefits they don't. That's OK.

Are your children also dh's kids.

Just in case this isn't addressed in the net 5 pages I haven't read yet...no, they are her husband's stepkids.

Therefore it's entirely appropriate for her to raise HER children the way SHE wants to, while her husband parents HIS children the way that HE wants to.

 

[MrsPete]

It is against Arkansas state law to drive without a permit.

I don't know if all states are the same, but here it's perfectly legal to drive ON PRIVATE PROPERTY without a license. So where I grew up, we all drove around on the farms -- trucks, tractors, whatever -- but never went out on the road and never broke the law. It's not really the same as being "on the road", where the driver must deal with other traffic and traffic laws . . . but it's a pretty good way for a kid to learn to the mechanics of driving.

 

[southernbohemian]

to OP

I'm thinking an official step-parent slogan should be adopted: "D***ed if you do, d***ed if you don't."

I totally understand what you are saying about the money for the cars being from you. Even if you share household expenses, etc. For example, our first Christmas together I spent the exact same amount of money on all 4 of our kids because I wanted to be fair. I was staying at home at the time so I thought that it would be wrong for us as a household to spend more on one kid than another. But it was wrong. Because my kid only gets one Christmas - while the other kids get 2. Birthdays too. So I adjusted it so if I spent $100 on the other kids, my son gets $200. It's not favoritism - DBF pays for his children, while we both pay for our son. Technically, even though now I'm working, all the soup is ladled from the same pot, so I'm sure the argument could be made that my DBF is buying his youngest son twice the amount of stuff - but mentally it works out for us.

The OP shouldn't have to give everyone a run-down of her financial situation and personal history to get people to see what she explained very clearly - DH didn't buy a car for her kids. He's also not buying his kids cars. The ex is trying to make it seem like he did and make the kids feel like they aren't equal - when in actuality they are. luvmy3 said it best.

 

[cheermom1]

OMG WHY????

I'm a stepdaughter two times over. I have two ex stepsisters, another male/female set of stepsiblings, and I have 3 half-siblings.

I have never EVER expected, and neither have they, that we would all be treated equally. How on earth could that even happen???

First stepdad and his first wife had kids, they were allowed to raise them as they pleased. Stepdad came into our lives; what he did with/for us should not have been related at all to his other kids. And heck, when he left, it's not like he paid child support or anything...we had a dad for that (though he rarely did). Second stepdad contributed nothing to me, but he did support my mom. Mom worked so she could support my younger brother without asking her new hubby for anything. but brother living there did get things that second stepdad's kids perhaps didn't (TV in brother's room, for instance, but that was after he had thoroughly proven that his grades were absolutely fabulous even with the apparent distraction of the TV) and that I didn't get! My brother in HS lived in a MUCH better house than I did in HS, because of the second stepdad. Should I have somehow been allowed to live there for 3 years just to get those years of living in a nicer house???No. That's ridiculous.

My mom raised me and my brother the way she saw fit. Stepdads helped raise their kids, noncustodial as they were, the way THEY saw fit. Neither stepdad felt that my mom's hippie ways were totally correct at all, but no one insisted that it all be equal among everyone.

Dad and stepmom deal with their kids completely differently than my mom dealt with us (well, at heart it's the same, but there are some big differences, not the least because he's there IN the house, not an hour away like he was for me and my brother). And that's OK! They get different privileges and that's OK. I get benefits they don't. That's OK.




Just in case this isn't addressed in the net 5 pages I haven't read yet...no, they are her husband's stepkids.

Therefore it's entirely appropriate for her to raise HER children the way SHE wants to, while her husband parents HIS children the way that HE wants to.

Thank you and just so you know we don;t see eye to eye on how to parent. I do parent mine the way I see I should and he and his ex parent their kids the way they see fit as well. I do my best not to get involved. The only reasons if I do is if it directly involves my kids. not even me but just my kids. And they mostly consist of her trying to tell me how to raise my kids. she is always calling dh to complain about something that I let or don't let my kids do. Such as somehow she got a rumor that my son has adhd and she called telling dh that I better put him on meds or her kids won't be coming to our house. When in reality he has aspbergers and he is not on meds, but his doc and I have decided it was the best for him. How is any of her business anyway? This is when I get involved and it is only me telling dh to tell her to mind her own business.

I will tell you the the ex doesn;t know me as she said in the very beginning she wanted nothing to do with me. So she really doesn;t know me or what I stand for or anything. I do know that I would want to know the other person that is in my kids lives.

I also have never thrown a fit about anything the boys get when they are at their moms house or the privileges they may or may not get there. That is none of my business and I could care less. I am sure that they get things at her house that my kids would never get here which is ok. Like I do know that they are allowed to have energy drinks and coffee at their moms, I don;t allow that at mine and my kids have complained but I tell them that I'm their mom and I said no. That is just an example is all. Or that oldest ss is allowed to drive without his permit and I NEVER allowed that to happen but like I said I told my kids that I'm their mom and I said no. They got over it.

 

[bumbershoot]

What in heaven's name is a skid?

Her and DH and HER kids are listed on one line together and then his kids are listed on a separate line by themselves.

First, it wasn't the OP who abbreviated it like that. Second, it's likely a shorter form of s'kid. Like I write b'maid for bridesmaid. And I sometimes wrote bmaid when on my wedding planning boards 7+ years ago.

Perhaps their mom doesn't feel like having her kids' ages up...

First of all, I find "skids" pretty offensive. Second, if you bought your children cars with your money without any help from their father, why should your husband not buy his kids cars, without the ex-wife? That makes no sense to me. True double standard.

No double standard. Two families, raising children two different ways.

Sure, the Brady Bunch was funny. But it was also ridiculous, though basically acceptable b/c neither of the other parents were in the picture. They could raise the kids as though they were both The Parents, and that makes it different.

This mom bought her children cars.

The other mom is not buying her children cars. The other mom is the one with the problem.

But I still don't get why she has to bring my kids in this?

I don't either.

It would be like Jean, stepdad's first wife, whining that their kids (both older than me and my brother) never got a TV in their rooms. And demanding that stepdad buy his kids TVs for their rooms. Heck, I didn't get a TV in my room (even when I moved in with them for one year after chiro school).

Maybe I should whine and complain that my dad paid for...oh that's too funny...my dad was equal with me and my first half brother...he and I are VERY similar, even in looks and temperment...and he and I are both, basically in a way, both our dad's first children. He's 13 years younger than I am, and was the first in my dad's second family. And I just realized that my dad first paid for my anger management counseling sessions, after I tried to beat up my boyfriend at the time b/c of the way he was treating me (I ended up with bruises on my wrists b/c he was much bigger than me and just held my arms as I flailed)...and then a few years later he paid for my half brothers trial and court-mandated anger management counseling when my half brother AND his girlfriend at the time beat EACH OTHER up. Ah, siblings....anyway...can't whine about taht!

OK, my dad bought me a dorm fridge my freshman year of college...but he bought my half brother's COLLEGE education. Wahhhhh, unfair, I shouldn't have gotten a fridge if Matthew wasn't getting one (oh wait, reverse that!). Then again, I went to a private university two states away, while Matthew went to a UC school in the same system that our dad worked in, and therefore got in-state tuition AND dad's discount....very very different situations.

I have step parents and grandparents, and they are all family. And she offered to hep with half of half for the cars. Yet expected nothing from her children's father. Why should the dad not treat his kids with the same things she gives hers? Do the step kids get less food? Less use of the shower? Less electricity? So why treated differently when it comes to cars?

Your family treats everyone exactly equally. Not everyone feels that that is always right.

He's allowed to raise his children differently than the OP is raising hers.

This is what a modern family does -- adjusts for equality.

I've been part of a "modern family" since I was 4, so since 1973. And that sort of equality has never been possible, reasonable, or normal in my families.

I gotta ask why its any of the kids business about finances? They are kids I dont tell my kids about our bills why would it work different here? I tell my kids unless they are paying the bills its none of their business.

Well, it is a bit different when divorce is in the picture. Kids do tend to know about child support, etc etc, even if they don't know the exact amount. They know that insurance is divvied up, that one person does this while the other does that, etc. It's a bit more out in the open than in a two-parents-only family.

Yes. If they can't afford it for one parent's child, then no one should get them. Why should her kids be treated better? Seriously? When she makes a commitment to the husband, she makes the commitment to the family. Simple as that. No kid is better or more important to the family than the other.

I just can't take it anymore. I disagree so very very very very much....

If that is true, which still seems dicey, it is nice, but why? Why is the Aunt buying cars? Why would the supposedly horrible ex not have an issue with that, yet supposedly the OP has to hide smaller gifts?

My son's aunt has just fully funded his college fund. So I can believe that an aunt bought her nephew a truck.

I doubt the aunt is the OP's sister...so why would the mom have an issue with it? Mom has an issue with stepmom. Not others.

I have two amazingly wonderful step kids. And regardless of how I feel about their mother, if I thought for even one second that they thought my bio kids were treated better than them it would simply break my heart. And it would be a big shame on me. When I married my husband. I took on the family as my own. And anyone that doesn't feel that way is simply selfish. If you aren't ready to take on more kids, then you aren't ready for a new relationship.

Again, I disagree. And as an oldest, I would be ASHAMED to think that a parent hadn't bought something for one of my siblings just because they couldn't buy it for me. If I found out, I would be embarrassed and horrified.

If I want to feel sad, I should feel sad that my half sister gets to go to Disneyland for cheer competitions (though actually I'm not sure she actually qualified grades-wise) and that my dad helps to pay for those AND attends them...when he rarely even showed up for my orchestra/piano/flute recitals or my plays. I'll waste my time on THAT...not whether or not my brothers got a car and I didn't. (and I think that they did...though to be fair, I borrowed my stepmom's Corolla and, um, kinda ruined it accidentally...so there might be a reason there!)

I can see how the ex feels that your children are being treated better than hers. It would appear that way when the kids living in your household get cars and his other children may not. Of course there is more to the situation, but I can see how this would appear to his children.

It might at first glance, but all people have to do is look at it with reason and rationality (is that a word?). The OP's kids are her kids and she gets to buy them what she wants. The OP's husbands kids are his kids, and he gets to buy them what HE wants. And obviously here, those wants are different.

Perception might be funny here, but reality is reasonable.

I'm a little confused. I understand that the aunt bought the oldest stepson's truck, but does the above mean that he only has use of it at her house and in the immediate vicinity of the house? If your children are able to have free use of their cars and the stepson's use is so restricted, I can certainly understand the hard feelings.

Stepson is NOT 16 and won't be for another 2 years!

oh and one other thing the truck still runs as he is allowed to drive it when he goes to his aunts house on their dirt road.

Obviously he isn't even of age, and can only drive it rurally on his aunt's private property.

It is against Arkansas state law to drive without a permit.

Which isn't the OP's issue. She's not allowed to parent her stepkids. (as well it should be, when both parents do exist in the world and get to have a say)