Vent: Husband never helps around house

[peainapod]

Anyone else have a husband that won't lift a finger to help pick up his mess?

I have tried asking him to help, etc...but nothing ever comes from it. If I leave his shirt on the ground it will literally stay there for weeks unless I pick it up. He never takes care of an insurance problem, house issue, etc when he says he will. It always falls on my plate. I love my DH, but I am so sick of it. UGH!!!

Vent over

 

[cah5525]

Yes, I HAD a husband just like yours!

 

[NMAmy]

Yes, I HAD a husband just like yours!

Ditto. Now I have a husband who always helps around the house, thank goodness.

 

[mimmi]

No, because I wouldn't put up with it, somebody like that wouldn't be a potential husband for me. I'm way too lazy and fond of myself and my free time to make everything on my own.
My husband does basically all the garden work, we split house cleaning and have a cleaning woman, I do all the cooking because I'm so much better at it and everybody irons their own shirts.

 

[abdmom]

Yes, I HAD a husband just like yours!

Me too. Once he got sick and died, I realized that I was wrong and he had done a lot!

 

[Laura66]

Mine doesn't do too much - unless I ask! Then he does it no problem. But I don't really ask unless I'm overwhelmed.
Don't have a problem with it because he pretty much takes care of everything else. Let me tell you I hate gardening and yardwork! But if he's busy or out of town and asks ill do it no problem!

 

[Janepod]

Thankfully, no. When we were dating I noticed that my now-husband was the only person I had ever met whose apartment was neater and cleaner than mine. It wasn't a major factor in deciding to marry him, but it helped.

 

[LJSquishy]

Sit down with him and have a serious talk about it. Let him know that it really bothers you and you need him to help contribute.

I have an amazing husband. A man who wasn't helpful around the house or attentive to my needs would not have been a potential mate for me either. He works full time and I am a housewife (no kids). I take care of all of the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, errands, etc but if he sees me get behind he will pitch in without me asking for help. He often vacuums the carpeted stairs for me because our vacuum is so heavy I can barely lug it around. He is also a great bathtub scrubber! In the mornings if I have any dishes left in the sink from soaking overnight he will do them before work if he has time. This morning he made me an egg mcmuffin for breakfast.

I firmly believe that a partnership should be just that -- each person contributes and neither of you should have to hound the other about it. I feel that your husband should WANT to help, and if he doesn't want to, there is a problem.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Not trying to justify his actions, but you do probably need to understand it from his POV. It's probably not so much that he expects you to do it, it's that he doesn't care if it gets done at all. You see it as the burden falling entirely on you. He sees it as something that doesn't need to be done, so if you're doing it, you're doing it of your own free will - not because he "forced" you to.

Again, that doesn't excuse him from being lazy or sloppy, but if you approach the situation knowing his POV, it could help you be more successful in your efforts to get some help.

 

[AmyFarrahFowler]

Some things my husband is good about doing without any reminders, cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, helping out with the dishes.

Some other things I have to mention before he does it. Like trimming the hedges. I assumed if I couldn't see out the kitchen window that he couldn't either? lol Yet I had to point that out before he did it.

 

[4greatboys]

Yes, I HAD a husband just like yours!

LOL......me too. Even though we both worked full time he never lifted a finger around the house.

 

[J.C.&ALI'SMOM]

No, mine does a lot. Now my Dad is just like that. He has gotten better about it since retirement, but it has taken 43 years

 

[Zandy595]

Anyone else have a husband that won't lift a finger to help pick up his mess?

I have tried asking him to help, etc...but nothing ever comes from it. If I leave his shirt on the ground it will literally stay there for weeks unless I pick it up. He never takes care of an insurance problem, house issue, etc when he says he will. It always falls on my plate. I love my DH, but I am so sick of it. UGH!!!

Vent over

Are we married to the same man?! DH takes the garbage out (when he feels like it) and mows the lawn when it gets embarrassingly tall. And that's about the extent of his helping around the house. I don't understand why I have to ask an adult to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. He just doesn't care about the mess he makes. But then tells his parents they can't come over because the house is unpresentable.

 

[MIGrandma]

Me too. Once he got sick and died, I realized that I was wrong and he had done a lot!

My DH doesn't do anything around the house either. Now if I worked full time I would definitely have a problem with that, but when I did work it was only part-time so I didn't mind doing all the household chores.

I've been retired 4 years and still do all the household chores. I honestly don't mind as he does most of the outdoor work. I do help cut the grass. We use 2 riders and it takes a couple of hours. I don't mind helping with that. But he works full-time as a farmer plus works part-time (almost full time during certain parts of the year) as a crop insurance adjuster.

He handles all the home repairs, snow removal in the winter, etc. so I don't mind being a "typical old-fashioned housewife." I actually enjoy it.

 

[akcire]

Anyone else have a husband that won't lift a finger to help pick up his mess?

I have tried asking him to help, etc...but nothing ever comes from it. If I leave his shirt on the ground it will literally stay there for weeks unless I pick it up. He never takes care of an insurance problem, house issue, etc when he says he will. It always falls on my plate. I love my DH, but I am so sick of it. UGH!!!

Vent over

I did. It took a bit of rehabilitation, but he finally figured it out. I stopped doing his laundry. I also picked up after him but put it in the basement in boxes. All boxes had same label miscellaneous. After a few months of staying up late for clean laundry or digging through boxes to find things. He figured out it was easier to do a little bit at a time. A couple times he even had to buy new clothes to go to work.

At this point we both do laundry and general pick up. He is responsible for his bathroom and sometimes it is seriously disgusting. I don't use it so, it's on him.

 

[Princess on the Run]

Not trying to justify his actions, but you do probably need to understand it from his POV. It's probably not so much that he expects you to do it, it's that he doesn't care if it gets done at all. You see it as the burden falling entirely on you. He sees it as something that doesn't need to be done, so if you're doing it, you're doing it of your own free will - not because he "forced" you to.

Again, that doesn't excuse him from being lazy or sloppy, but if you approach the situation knowing his POV, it could help you be more successful in your efforts to get some help.

Totally true. I spent too many years frustrated for many of the same reasons as you are. I can't stand clutter or things being left undone. I will literally lose my mind if things aren't done immediately when I feel they should be. DH just doesn't care or see them as priorities so he doesn't see it as urgent or even necessary. It took a lot of talking and working through for us to come to an understanding that there are some things I expect him to do timely whether he thinks they are necessary or not and others where my OCD self can do them if I feel they are urgent but he's just never going to fuss over it. It works out but it took a lot of fighting, talking and explaining. The reality is that he wasn't doing it to be mean or lazy, he just didn't understand that I consider dirty socks on the floor to be a national disaster area requiring a haz-mat team. I spent so long assuming he was doing it on purpose because he doesn't love respect or appreciate me when in reality, he was just oblivious.

Sit down and talk about what are priorities. Figure out which things you cannot compromise on and make those priorities. Try to understand that he's probably not doing it on purpose and try to explain to him that you can't live without certain things but are willing to give up on others.

I've been married 8.5 years (we were together about 2 before that) and it wasn't until the last almost 2 that we found a way that works for us. Before that, I would get so angry at him he's lucky he woke up in one piece and didn't have poisoned food. And he never even realized it! LOL! Crazy but true.

 

[okeydokey]

I wouldn't be married to a husband like that. Honestly, if I was constantly working at home while husband was sitting around, I would not stay married. I think in many relationships though, the other person does more than you think they do. From their point of view, they are doing their fair share.

If however, they really do nothing while you do it all, it is time to renegotiate the marriage. Maybe a cleaning service could help.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Nope. DH is great. He's not a self-starter, but he will respond when asked to help.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

I agree that it is time for a serious talk. My guess is that the issues that are frustrating you are not important to him. Many people do not care if the laundry piles up, dishes are not washed and things are not picked up. They seriously are not bothered.

I also think that some people feel they can "get away" with not doing something because someone else will do it. They will literally "hide," knowing that someone else will do the chore.

Then there is the, "Why should I bother she never thanks me," or "Why should I bother she never thinks I do a good enough job." (I am NOT saying that you are like this.)

Out of respect for each other, spouses need to come to agreement on what is "fair" in their home. Sadly, I know folks who have been married for 25 years and still complain that the work load at home is uneven.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

DH has gotten a little better over time but I still do about 75% of the household chores. If he does a load of dishes you'd think he had scrubbed the whole house from top to bottom - he acts like it is a huge deal.

He runs a small side business out of our home and I gave him what for last night because everything is done in the kitchen and it was a mess. I told him I'm embarrassed to have people come in the house because it's a disaster. His latest bright idea was that we need to save all of our paper trash to burn in his woodstove in the garage. Problem is we end up with a huge stack of trash on the floor of the kitchen that he never picks up. I've been boxing it up and placing it outside once a week for him to take to the garage. Now I have several boxes outside. I told him last night I'm going to go back to throwing it away because the mess is making me crazy!