The Great Debate...1 or 2?

[loco4dis]

I have about a billion cousins, one of them is an only child. Even when I was a little kid, I always felt sorry for her. She just seemed lonely. She was always sort of on the outside looking in around the rest of us. She never fit in. Her life was so different and she was never comfortable around all the energy and chaos the rest of us had on daily basis. Even though she had every toy imaginable and had her parent's undivided attention, her life was completely unappealing to me. Because of her, I knew at a young age that I would never have an only child on purpose.

I can't imagine growing up without my brother and sister. I remember staying up late watching the Three Stooges with them, whispering all night before we left for vacation because we were too excited to sleep, trick or treating, waking each other up on Christmas morning with screams of "Santa came! Santa came!" Playing together on rainy days, praying for school closings on snowy mornings. They both stood up with me on my wedding day and were there when all three of my kids were born, even my first child who was born in North Carolina over 1,000 miles away. I was my sister's matron of honor at her wedding and my brother stood up, too. We held each other up when Grandpa died, and did it again when when we lost Aunt Marilyn last year. We were there for each other when our parents seperated and rejoiced together when they worked things out. Sure, there have been times when we didn't get along (our fights are legendary)but when push comes to shove, they are my brother and sister. They are my family. Friends and cousins are great, they bring much love and joy to my life, but it is not the same. Sorry, but it just isn't.

I also cannot imagine my three kids growing up without each other. When I watch them interacting, playing, wrestling, and roaring with laughter together I know I made the right choice.

Adding to your family will only enhance your life and the lives of your entire family. I think a sibling is the best gift any parent can give a child.

That is a really beautiful explanation of the sibling experience. Thank you. I would add, too, that siblings are the only people in the world who truly understand what a pain in the rear your parents can be, even though you love 'em madly! You can say, "Oh, you know how mom (or Dad) is…" and your sib can say, "Yup, I do."

 

[TheRatPack]

I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

Loved reading this post We're currently starting on #6 We had 2 and adopted 3.

 

[Schachteles]

I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

That statement is so true and has caused me lots of lost sleep in night...

...someone told me... "YOU WILL NEVER REGRET HAVE MORE KIDS, BUT YOU WILL REGRET NOT HAVING MORE!!"

Follow your heart!!

 

[PatriciaH]

No opinion for the OP-it is her and her husbands choice. I do not know how people can say no one ever regrets having a child!!!??? We see people every day that regret their children. Otherwise the news would not be full of the crap it is full of. Lets start being honest here!

 

[reggiemcp]

Hi

I know that you have pretty much decided on what to do, but I wanted to respond to the posts about onlies. Some people don't choose to have onlies, I was finally able to get pregant at 39 after several years of infertility and many invasive procedures.

I love my son very much and was very blessed to have a healthy pregnancy and delivery at 40. I would have loved to have more than one but that meant more treatments which would have been emotionally overwhelming (financially - insurance coverage was great). Odds were not in my favor, so husband & I decided to let it go. I am one of six kids and loved having big family, we are still very close today.

My point is not all parents of onlies have chosen that route, it was chosen for them.

Thanks for listening.

 

[pearlieq]

I do not know how people can say no one ever regrets having a child!!!??? We see people every day that regret their children. Otherwise the news would not be full of the crap it is full of. Lets start being honest here!

The thing is, you will almost never have anyone who would actually admit to anyone that they regret having children/more children.

It's just not done. It's one of the worst sins we can imagine. So people don't talk about it and don't admit to it.

Plus, it's hard to think about once the child is in front of you, because it has a name, a face, and a personality. That doesn't mean that maybe things would have better or easier if you had stopped at one, or two, or whatever.

And do I need to say the whole "only children are spoiled, lonely, anti-social, etc." thing is bunk? There's plenty of only children in the world, and somehow the planet keep spinning.

We hear things little "bumper sticker" saying like these all the time:

"You'll never regret having more kids, but you'll regret not having more"
"If we waited until we could afford kids, we'd never have kids"
"Our kids will be different"

They're the little fibs people tell themself to ensure the survival of the human race.

OP, the vibe I get is that, deep down, you want another child and maybe just need some reassurance that it will all be OK. I hope you find some clarity and that things work out for you. Good luck!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back

Our DS12 is an only. DH is an only. I was an only until I was 10 and would have been VERY happy to REMAIN an only.

DS has never said he wished he had a sibling.

But having said all of that, I knew right from the very beginning that I never, never wanted more than one child. DS was planned and wanted and we adore him. We have no desire to have another one.

I think if you really want another one then you can probably figure out a way to make it work.

 

[TarzansKat]

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted and offered their bits of wisdom. I just wanted to wish you and yours a Happy Easter!

 

[momto1disneyfan]

I to am a mother of only 1 child. My DS will be 16 in less than two months. I will have to admit that at times I did reget only having one. However every time I thought about it, I remembered what my Doctor told me, I know I made the right decision. I to was a high risk pregnancy. Nothing to due with the baby, but my health. Everything did turn out in the end. When I had brought up about having another child my doctor bascially told me. Would you rather your son grow up with a sibling and his mother in a wheel chair or would you rather have your son grow up as an only child and a mother that can due things with him. We chose the second option I know yours is more financial then medical. But just sit down and think how your decision will affect your child. What ever decision make will be best for your family. My son doesnt at all regret not having a sibling, actually at times when he see's his freinds and cousins fight with there siblings he say's he is actually glad he is an only child, he all enjoys the attention we can give him both, persoanally and financially. I no longer have any regrets. Happy Easter.

 

[MickeyP]

Someone here mentioned the order: God, spouse, children. If you are putting God first, then take what he has to offer you. Do you "make" children, or does God make them and you assist him? Yeah, they get traits/looks from you, but they are not you. They are individuals. If you are not religious, I guess it's up to you, but are you ready to meet your maker and say, "Sorry, "I" only wanted one, not the three you wanted me to have".
And yes, I know you have to provide for this child and people worry about money, but don't. They will be worth everything you gave up.

 

[jckdisneybound]

As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back

This is me to a T. DD is 6 and she is the greatest blessing we ever could have been given. But I feel my family is complete. I have friends who have 2-3 kids and can't say in their heart they are done.

Now if I felt I wasn't done, I couldn't add to my family without knowing we could complete afford too. Even if it meant having to wait longer.

 

[Tomh]

Wow, one or two kids is such a personal choice. I always wanted to have a big family. I was my mothers only child. She and my father divorced before I was old enough to know anything. He remarried, and had three daughters with his second wife. While I wouldn't have traded my life for anything, I always kind of wished that I had a brother or sister. When I met my wife, she had a daughter from an earlier marriage, but the daughter was living in Florida with her grandmother. We had our first child, and my wife informed me that was it, she was done. Well, as time went on, she began to realize that I really wasn't happy with just one child. Our daughter was 8 when my wife decided that she was up to having one more. When our daughter was 9, our son was born. Since my wife and I, and our children were sharing a 2 bedroom condo with my mother, we figured that was all the kids we needed. Then, when our son was about a year and a half old, my wifes first daughter called, and said she wanted to come visit with us during the summer. I had a feeling when I talked to her that she intended for the visit to last a bit more than the 18 days she was telling me about. That was nearly 3 years ago, and she is still with us.

If I had waited until I could completely afford my kids, I still wouldn't have any. I don't think you can ever really completely afford to have kids, but as long as you can make sure that they are cared for properly, that is really all that matters.

Ultimately, only you know how many kids you want to have. There are times that I think three are too many, but most of the time I'm glad that we have all three of them. There are certainly many rewarding moments in being a parent, and that many more when you are a parent of multiple kids.

 

[RayJay]

Hi DISers,

Everyone's been so helpful with the threads I've posted. I've debated starting this one for quite a while since it's really personal. So, I am looking for opinions and realize that it really is our choice, but perhaps you could help me with some of your life experiences. I know this type of thread has been posted before, but I feel our situation is more budget related so it belongs on this board. Sorry in advance, this will be a long post.

The great debate is 1 or 2 kids. We currently have DS3 who we absolutely adore. He's been a blessing (except for this whole potty training thing ) and I'm so glad to have him in our lives. DH would love 2, 3, even 4 kids. Originally my thoughts were 2 or 3. Well, after a high risk pregnancy and bed rest for the last three months, my thoughts changed...for a while. It was scary to be high risk and have to get fetal monitoring weekly and ultrasounds bi-weekly. It was very cool to watch him grow in utero, but still, there was a lot of prayer in our household. Obviously we all turned out fine, and I've had no health issues since...unless you count those stubborn 10 pounds I can't seem to lose!

After DS was born, I was let go from my job, long story, won't add it here. I took it as sign and stayed home with him, which I loved. Then when DS was 1, DH lost his job. We both started looking for work. DH and I got jobs around the same time. I work part time, but carry our health insurance. DH's job will only cover half of his medical, and not pick up any costs to insure our family. In that sense, we've been kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the adult interaction that my job provides, but somedays, I wish I could stay home. I feel like I'm missing out, and my DS is so big already and somedays I just don't want to go to work. I do it for the insurance, to provide for my family. Also, my mom watches my DS three days a week so I can work, DH is home the other day.

So now we come to the present. I always told my DH when DS was 3 or 4 we would talk about having another one. So we have been...talking...and I have been doing major cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning. We live in a 2BR apt and can comfortably fit 4 if we get rid of some of our junk...so I've been cleaning. Which leads me to believe, despite the risk, my heart is on board. I have the normal concerns...can I love a baby as much as DS...how will I split my time fairly...I think every parent, whether admitting it or not worries about this.

But I also worry about finances. We are debt free with the exception of DH student loan. We've paid it down significantly this year, but we also know we'll need a new or new to us car will be in the near future. I am just starting to feel comfortable with our budget and we are not pulling money out of savings every month like we had been in the past couple of years.

Now we all now how much babies cost. And how much children cost as they grow. I am usually ruled by finance. Most decisions I make are based around finances, but I don't know if I can make this decision based on that. I feel if I wait until we're financially ready, it'll never happen. And I don't want a baby based on the oh babies are so cute, cuddly, etc. I'm thinking of another child, of picturing our family as four...of feeling complete. I guess I just don't feel done.

A large problem is I know once a baby arrived, I'd prefer to stay home. At least until both kids are in school full time. That's a personal choice that I really feel is best for us. DH has offered to ask his employer if they'll pick up more of the insurance or even get a job working UPS nights to cover insurance. Is this fair? Do any of you do this? Help please, oh great DISers! Bring on the wisdom...and if you've made it this far, my heartfelt thanks.

After one we said no more, the next one came and it's been the best thing, I couldn't imagine not having him.

Kids are awesome no matter how many you have.

Good Luck
RayJay

 

[Tomh]

For what it is worth, I work two jobs, about 60 hours a week, and occasionally do side work here and there as well. It is a lot, and I sometimes regret being away from the house so much, but I am home during the day when ever there is a school vacation, including all summer long, so that makes up for it a bit, and in the long run it is well worth it.

 

[loco4dis]

For what it is worth, I work two jobs, about 60 hours a week, and occasionally do side work here and there as well. It is a lot, and I sometimes regret being away from the house so much, but I am home during the day when ever there is a school vacation, including all summer long, so that makes up for it a bit, and in the long run it is well worth it.

Hey, don't have any regrets. Showing your kids how to work and make their own way in the world — financially independent from others — is the best gift you can give them!

 

[happygirl]

we have two, they are 17 months apart, I feel bad for kids with no siblings, I can't image not having sibling to play with

 

[RNMOM]

I'm going to add my opinion without reading all the pages inbetween this one and the first.

I have two sons 18 months apart. I was never even sure I wanted to have one child but fell in love so hard during my early pregnancy that the second was just a natural progression. We both knew 2 was it for us. I can honestly say you will not have difficulty loving your children any more or less than the other. Actually, liking one or the other can be a challenge at times but love is never a problem.

If I were in your shoes, I would consider the state of the country right now. I would look at the unrest in the economy, government and even society. I would consider giving it 2 years to settle down. During that time I would consider either or both you or your husband seeking some additional training and see what kind of opportunities you can find. At the end of that time you will know if it is a good idea to bring another child into your family. It may be a year or two later than your original plan but sometimes a little space between siblings can be a very good thing...take it from me. Mine still dislike each other enough to fight a lot. I think having them at least 4 years apart is good as they don't have the same peer group and there is no issue of them being as competitive. JMHO.

 

[TarzansKat]

Wow, one or two kids is such a personal choice. I always wanted to have a big family. I was my mothers only child. She and my father divorced before I was old enough to know anything. He remarried, and had three daughters with his second wife. While I wouldn't have traded my life for anything, I always kind of wished that I had a brother or sister. When I met my wife, she had a daughter from an earlier marriage, but the daughter was living in Florida with her grandmother. We had our first child, and my wife informed me that was it, she was done. Well, as time went on, she began to realize that I really wasn't happy with just one child. Our daughter was 8 when my wife decided that she was up to having one more. When our daughter was 9, our son was born. Since my wife and I, and our children were sharing a 2 bedroom condo with my mother, we figured that was all the kids we needed. Then, when our son was about a year and a half old, my wifes first daughter called, and said she wanted to come visit with us during the summer. I had a feeling when I talked to her that she intended for the visit to last a bit more than the 18 days she was telling me about. That was nearly 3 years ago, and she is still with us.

If I had waited until I could completely afford my kids, I still wouldn't have any. I don't think you can ever really completely afford to have kids, but as long as you can make sure that they are cared for properly, that is really all that matters.

Ultimately, only you know how many kids you want to have. There are times that I think three are too many, but most of the time I'm glad that we have all three of them. There are certainly many rewarding moments in being a parent, and that many more when you are a parent of multiple kids.

Thank you for providing an honest male perspective, and I read your later post, and was so surprised to hear you worrying about not be home enough. The fact that you care enough to think that proves that you're obviously involved when you're home, and really care enough to provide for your children. I wish you and your family the best, and thank you for trying to help!

 

[TarzansKat]

Well, DISers, I find the debate still raging within me. My heart really wants another child, but my head is all sorts of confused. It's a big decision so I don't want to take it lightly. I just feel at this point, the fact that we already make so little...don't want to post exact salaries but its not even close to where we should be...

And then there's the total and complete lack of support from my side of the family. DH's side is the type wonder why we haven't already (big Italian family). My mom, however, feels that I can't handle two kids right now and has told me this. She also has pretty much expressed that she will not watch two, nor would I want her to (she works from home, it would be too much), so I know I'd have to be a SAHM, which is what I would prefer at this point anyway. I should probably add that there is a seven year age difference between myself and my sister, and although I understand that works for some families, that is not at all what I want for myself. She thinks I should wait until my DS is in school full time to even think about trying. Yikes, by first grade, he'd be 6...I know that she doesn't mean it to come out this way but almost feel like it's pick my life, do what I did, you can't handle anything more...

The whole problem with that is losing that little salary I do make in a year, and all hinging on DH carrying our health insurance. Not to sound crazy but some days I just want to bang my head agains the wall and I am so unhappy with my life as it is currently. I am fully aware that a baby will not "fix" that, and that's not what I'm looking for at all. I've been working in the same position for the past two years as a bank teller, and I've had some good and some bad experiences. This year, since we have no bank manager, our vacations still haven't been approved. Hello? It's almost April....I have nothing to look forward to, people, how do you want me to put on my happy face to the rotten customer who yelled at me last week and had me in tears because she kept berating me while I was waiting on her...

That huge thud was me getting off my soapbox....sorry for the rant/vent...I just figured if anyone would understand, it'd be you guys. Thanks for listening.

 

[bdcp]

If I were in your shoes, I would consider the state of the country right now. I would look at the unrest in the economy, government and even society. I would consider giving it 2 years to settle down. During that time I would consider either or both you or your husband seeking some additional training and see what kind of opportunities you can find. At the end of that time you will know if it is a good idea to bring another child into your family. It may be a year or two later than your original plan but sometimes a little space between siblings can be a very good thing...take it from me. Mine still dislike each other enough to fight a lot. I think having them at least 4 years apart is good as they don't have the same peer group and there is no issue of them being as competitive. JMHO.

I have a real issue when people post the reason not to have children has to do with the "state of the world". Believe me, the world is no worse off now than it was 100 yeas ago or 25 years ago or ever. It's actually better in most ways. People are healthier, live longer, we have modern medicine, technology, and the ability to visit that world. There is not more poverty, or famine. We all actually have it pretty darn good. There have always been wars, famine, injustice, societal issues and there always will be. What does any of that have to do with having a second child? My boys are 28 months apart and now grown (24 and 21) and my DH wanted 4 years between them. Boy, is he glad we didn't wait that long. 4 years, they have very little in common, it's a large age gap when you have a 4 and 8 year old, 8 and 12 year old, etc. Children are usually competetive for parents time and attention. Also, when we had them, the economy was worse than it is now and there were wars, famine, social problems and life happened.

Everything old is new again.

And Tarzanskat, my DH took a 60% pay cut when he left the navy in 1985 and I was home full time. We cut back and had DS (21) in 1986 and I still stayed home and we just watched our pennies. I will never ever regret having both or staying home with them. I think I would have regretted not having #2 and working while they were young. They really didnt' care that we didn't have a big house with a big back yard, but they did know that I was there to take them places and do things with them and volunteer in their classrooms every week. I went back to work pt when they were 12 and 14 in time to prepare for college payments. No, we didnt' save ahead for college because we didnt' have the money, but I dont' regret that either. When I went back to work, we didnt' have to pay for daycare and every penny I made was "extra".

Sometimes people just overthink every decision. If you want #2, and DH is fine with it, go for it.