The Great Debate...1 or 2?

[TarzansKat]

Hi DISers,

Everyone's been so helpful with the threads I've posted. I've debated starting this one for quite a while since it's really personal. So, I am looking for opinions and realize that it really is our choice, but perhaps you could help me with some of your life experiences. I know this type of thread has been posted before, but I feel our situation is more budget related so it belongs on this board. Sorry in advance, this will be a long post.

The great debate is 1 or 2 kids. We currently have DS3 who we absolutely adore. He's been a blessing (except for this whole potty training thing ) and I'm so glad to have him in our lives. DH would love 2, 3, even 4 kids. Originally my thoughts were 2 or 3. Well, after a high risk pregnancy and bed rest for the last three months, my thoughts changed...for a while. It was scary to be high risk and have to get fetal monitoring weekly and ultrasounds bi-weekly. It was very cool to watch him grow in utero, but still, there was a lot of prayer in our household. Obviously we all turned out fine, and I've had no health issues since...unless you count those stubborn 10 pounds I can't seem to lose!

After DS was born, I was let go from my job, long story, won't add it here. I took it as sign and stayed home with him, which I loved. Then when DS was 1, DH lost his job. We both started looking for work. DH and I got jobs around the same time. I work part time, but carry our health insurance. DH's job will only cover half of his medical, and not pick up any costs to insure our family. In that sense, we've been kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the adult interaction that my job provides, but somedays, I wish I could stay home. I feel like I'm missing out, and my DS is so big already and somedays I just don't want to go to work. I do it for the insurance, to provide for my family. Also, my mom watches my DS three days a week so I can work, DH is home the other day.

So now we come to the present. I always told my DH when DS was 3 or 4 we would talk about having another one. So we have been...talking...and I have been doing major cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning. We live in a 2BR apt and can comfortably fit 4 if we get rid of some of our junk...so I've been cleaning. Which leads me to believe, despite the risk, my heart is on board. I have the normal concerns...can I love a baby as much as DS...how will I split my time fairly...I think every parent, whether admitting it or not worries about this.

But I also worry about finances. We are debt free with the exception of DH student loan. We've paid it down significantly this year, but we also know we'll need a new or new to us car will be in the near future. I am just starting to feel comfortable with our budget and we are not pulling money out of savings every month like we had been in the past couple of years.

Now we all now how much babies cost. And how much children cost as they grow. I am usually ruled by finance. Most decisions I make are based around finances, but I don't know if I can make this decision based on that. I feel if I wait until we're financially ready, it'll never happen. And I don't want a baby based on the oh babies are so cute, cuddly, etc. I'm thinking of another child, of picturing our family as four...of feeling complete. I guess I just don't feel done.

A large problem is I know once a baby arrived, I'd prefer to stay home. At least until both kids are in school full time. That's a personal choice that I really feel is best for us. DH has offered to ask his employer if they'll pick up more of the insurance or even get a job working UPS nights to cover insurance. Is this fair? Do any of you do this? Help please, oh great DISers! Bring on the wisdom...and if you've made it this far, my heartfelt thanks.

 

[TarzansKat]

bumping

 

[kristilew]

As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back

 

[DawnM]

I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

 

[mnasmom3]

I don't have the wisdom you're looking for. I know it's hard not to stress and to try to be prapared. Rest assured you will have just as much love to offer a sibling. And you'll learn to manage your time if you need to. As a christian, I believe this is really out of our hands. If your family is meant to grow, it will. And you will be provided for as well.

 

[TarzansKat]

As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back

Good advice, thank you. I guess by reading your words, it helps me to realize I am really not done.

 

[TarzansKat]

I can only say what I have heard from the elderly folks at the nursing home we sometimes visit. When they talk about regrets, one of them is not having more children! They say things like, "At the time we thought we couldn't afford it." OR "The doctors told me if I got pregnant again I would have to be on bedrest most of the time." But they then go on to say that it would have been worth it in the end.

I have never heard one of them say, "I wish I hadn't had as many children."

We had this debate between 2 or 3 and are now having it between 3 and 4.

I never wanted only 1 because I was an only child and HATED it. So, only 1 was never an option for me.

We gave birth to 2 and adopted a 3rd.

Dawn

Thanks for replying! I actually said to DH the other day, I think I'd regret it if we didn't try. I'm just such a worrywort when it comes to finances. I know a lot of people, especially on these boards, find a way to make their budget work. I just feel like we make so little already!

 

[TarzansKat]

I don't have the wisdom you're looking for. I know it's hard not to stress and to try to be prapared. Rest assured you will have just as much love to offer a sibling. And you'll learn to manage your time if you need to. As a christian, I believe this is really out of our hands. If your family is meant to grow, it will. And you will be provided for as well.

Thank you! Without even realizing it, you have offerend some wisdom. I have debated as we refer to it in my family "giving it up to God."

 

[sarahlovesmickey]

Awww, congrats on making the "big decision". I just found out that I am preg with our 4th (and last child!!). I don't think it is unfair that you ask DH to work nights, especially since health insurance is so vital. I wish you the best!!

 

[annakris1973]

If we all waited until we could "afford" another child, the human race would be dwindling to extinction. Look at our parents and grandparents- they made a fraction of what we do nowdays, and yet they survived and most of them were (gasp) happy without the majority of expenses we deem neccessary today. However, that being said...I do believe that timing can be important. You don't want your children to be so far apart in age that they aren't close. Though there are many siblings who are many years apart that get along fine (DH and DBiL are 10 years apart).

As far as the pregnancy is concerned...every one is different. Just because you had a rough pregnancy before doesn't mean that they all will be. This is a risk all of us take when having children.

One more thing to ponder...who will love and support your DS unconditionally after your DH and you have passed away? Or what if you or DH need care when you are old? Siblings are there to do that. Ok, Ok...I know lots of people don't have that kind of relationship with their brothers and sisters...but I believe that the majority of us do. I just like the idea that no matter what happens to me & DH, my kids will have each other to lean on.

It took me and my sister a long time to actually LIKE each other...now, I don't know what I would ever do without her.

 

[DisKim]

I can really identify with you. I debated for years over whether to have my third. I finally decided to think about how I would feel when I'm old. I realized that I might regret not having the child, but I would never have regrets if I did. As other posters said, you should really think about whether you feel done or not. That will tell you if you will have regrets.

 

[It's A Small World]

I was once in your shoes...

I became pg with #2 when DD #1 turned a year. DD#2 was not being prevented but, hubby was recently laid-off and I became the main bread winner. I finally landed my dream job, making great money, totally on a career path I worked so hard to get on and then suddenly, I became pregnant. I totally denied it at first. Yes, I thought the pregnancy test was wrong!

It was a tough pregnancy because hubby was in the stay-at-home-dad role to DD#1 and I was working like crazy. Now looking back on it, I have no idea how I managed to survive. It was stressful being the sole provider, mommy and incubator!

I will say DD#2 is awesome! I am so glad to blessed us with her presence. She makes having two so much more enjoyable. There is nothing like seeimg my two girls hug each other and say 'i love you.' Too cute!

There will not ab a third and I'm ok with that. I love the fact that my grls are literally 2 years apart and I hope they grow-up to be best buddies. I did not have a sister but, after seeing my girls play, I wish I did.

Having children is a personal decision and you need to do what's best for you, your family and your state of mind.

 

[staci]

I cannot express how happy I am we had our dd. That said....

When we just had our son, I was totally content. He was my entire world. While I knew I wanted more kids, I just couldnt imagine having 'room' in my life for another. But we knew we were ready, so we went ahead and TTC.

Throughout the pregnancy (which was a rough one) ds(2) was by my side, taking care of me, being my right hand man. He would just sit with my, lay with me, hug me. Things were so........perfect.

Then along came dd. A screaming, sobbing bundle of colic, for three months of sleepless nights for everyone. DS would cry, and I would think 'What did we do? How could we do this to him?" And then the guilt would set in because I felt I was choosing sides.....

But slowly, ever so slowly, she calmed down. We got into a routine. She started smiling, cooing. DS adjusted to the sheer volume a baby brought into the house.

She would watch him, and laugh. And he would look at her with so much love. Instead of saying 'take her away' when she cried, he will now rush in to give hugs, and say 'she is our baby. we have to take care of her'.

They have really turned into the best of friends. They are still completely opposite personalities, him being quiet, shy, and reserved; and her being headstrong, loud, and outgoing. They compliment each other well.

I truly believe that she is the best gift I could ever give him, and he is the best gift I could ever give her. They teach each other so many life lessons, they love each other, they stick up for each other. Sometimes I feel like the quiet observer just watching them interact and grow.

For us, giving ds a sibling has been the absolute best choice we could have made for him. While she has added challenges to our household, she has added so much love.

 

[MaryKLady]

As the mom of an only, now 10, I can tell you that I always felt "done" after she was born. Love her love her love her, but I do NOT want another one. Never have. If you are not feeling done, then you probaby aren't.

Ditto.
We have DD4 and sometimes I think it would be so much easier to have another for her to fight, I mean play with I also was on bed rest for 9 months so I feel where you're comming from. I look around at my friends who have babies now and think, nope, done with that.
DH and I are both only children and I think having another would put us both over the edge.

 

[hinodis]

When I was thinking about having #3, my Dad told me, "you will never regret having another one, but you may regret it if you don't.". Yup, Dad was right, I don't regret having her. I don't think it should really be about the money. Would you be better off financially if you did not have the child you have now? Would you rahter have the money?

 

[nannerbadnanner]

We always planned on having two children. My second DD will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. It has been wonderful seeing my oldest act like a big sister (she will be two this month). I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to handle two, but so far it hasn't been that bad at all. I have had to become more organized, but I don't see that as a bad thing.

Financially, it has not been a hardship because we have two girls that were born in the same season. We made sure to buy neutral car seats, strollers, etc., so that it would not be an issue if we had a boy. We also found a great deal on a double stroller on craigslist.

We waited until we felt we were financially able before we had our first daughter. It sounds like you are in a good financial place right now, but I do understand why you are stessed out. I am exactly the same way. I just had to realize that we had done our best to get all of our ducks in a row and then just take the plunge.

Also, before becoming a SAHM, I worked as a career coach. Several of my clients worked at UPS at night in order to qualify for the benefits. In our area, they were required to work about 15 hours per week, and they qualified for medical benefits after 90 days. The medical benefits for both the employee and family were paid 100% by UPS. It really can be a very good option for families that need good insurance.

 

[DMickey28]

I cannot express how happy I am we had our dd. That said....

When we just had our son, I was totally content. He was my entire world. While I knew I wanted more kids, I just couldnt imagine having 'room' in my life for another. But we knew we were ready, so we went ahead and TTC.

Throughout the pregnancy (which was a rough one) ds(2) was by my side, taking care of me, being my right hand man. He would just sit with my, lay with me, hug me. Things were so........perfect.

Then along came dd. A screaming, sobbing bundle of colic, for three months of sleepless nights for everyone. DS would cry, and I would think 'What did we do? How could we do this to him?" And then the guilt would set in because I felt I was choosing sides.....

But slowly, ever so slowly, she calmed down. We got into a routine. She started smiling, cooing. DS adjusted to the sheer volume a baby brought into the house.

She would watch him, and laugh. And he would look at her with so much love. Instead of saying 'take her away' when she cried, he will now rush in to give hugs, and say 'she is our baby. we have to take care of her'.

They have really turned into the best of friends. They are still completely opposite personalities, him being quiet, shy, and reserved; and her being headstrong, loud, and outgoing. They compliment each other well.

I truly believe that she is the best gift I could ever give him, and he is the best gift I could ever give her. They teach each other so many life lessons, they love each other, they stick up for each other. Sometimes I feel like the quiet observer just watching them interact and grow.

For us, giving ds a sibling has been the absolute best choice we could have made for him. While she has added challenges to our household, she has added so much love.

Thank you for this. My DS is 11 months old and our first. I feel so content with him. At this point I feel complete but I don't feel our family is, if that makes sense! I figure I will just know when we are ready to start trying again. I asked DH to give me a few years, he'd be ready for the next now.

To the OP - I worry about finances as well. I am at home with DS and we are barely making ends meet some months. We are slowly building a savings but it is nowhere were it should be. I can't imagine adding another right now but I know we would be able to figure it out. Good Luck in your decision ... Sometimes giving it up to God is the best decision.

 

[lntsmom]

"The greatest gift you can give your child is another sibling."

There will be a time when you are gone that, without a sibling, your child will be alone in this world. No matter how good a friend he/she may have, no matter how loved he/she may be by a spouse, there is a role that only a sibling can play.

I firmly believe that if you choose to open your heart and home to another child, God will provide for him/her.

Like you, I had complications with my first pregnancy, then a miscarriage caused by immune issues. My third pregnancy and delivery was no thing of joy, but I can't imagine life without my younger son.

Despite being 6 years apart in age my boys are best friends. They have a relationship that, in some ways, is a mystery to me. We moved recently and had to get rid of about half of everything we owned due to the cost of moving. Neither boy has mentioned missing any of their "good stuff"...but if one goes to a friend's house for a day, the other one inevitably comments about being lonely! To me, that says it all!

 

[sarahlovesmickey]

I have to chime in again. My DH is an only child and I think that at times, he feels somewhat alone. I have a sister and while we are not extremely close, we know that one another is there and only a phone call away. That is why when we decided to have a family, we knew that we wanted atleast a few children. We both work with kids in our careers and we just love our children so much. I figure that the finances will work themselves out.

 

[jeepgirl30]

I didn't want children. Then we got had a pregnancy scare and i realized I did want A child, a boy. We got pregnant and as weird as this will sound, I had a dream that a little boy was standing at the top of the steps and I asked him to come down, he said "no mommy its not my turn yet its hers".

Found out I was pregnant with a little girl. During labor i had a panic attack that my little girl was not going to be a little girl and she just had to be! All was fine and when MIL was meeting DD she asked me something and I answered "well next time we will know" and everyone looked at me and said "she isn't even an hour old and you are saying next one?" I was shocked too but realized yep, a sibbling would come eventually.

DD is now 7 and does have a little brother! I am so blessed. I can not imagine not having either one of my lil darlings in my life. DH sometimes jokes how much money we would have if we had an only or no children. I tell him no, we would have blown that money on really stupid things and have big voids in our lives.

Your heart just grows. I dont know how, it just does!