The Great Debate...1 or 2?

[loco4dis]

First, yes, you will love baby #2 as much as you love baby #1. Loving our babies is as natural as breathing. Second, I would not give up a part-time job that pays your family's insurance while your husband takes a second job. Your husband sounds like a great guy, but that will rob him of time with his children that he will never get back. Your family already has a second job: it's your part-time job. Child-rearing is a 2-person endeavor, as is providing income for the family. And third, raising more than 1 child is very different than raising 1 child. With more than one, you take on a greater "observer" role as your children navigate their lives with each other and seem to need you less. With 1 child, you have more of a direct day-to-day social role with the child until he/she gets his/her own friends. I will say, however, as a mom of 2, that there have been some tough times in my adult life (death of my father, for example) that I was sure glad I had my brother to share them with. As they say, a sibling is the only person in the world who will be with you cradle to grave.

 

[sarahlovesmickey]

OMG, Jeepgirl, you totally just made me cry with your very touching post. I couldn't have put it better myself.

 

[ADAMANDLISA]

Speaking strictly from the high-risk pregnancy aspect---from someone who's been there, done that--I say go for it!!! I don't know your exact medical issue, but it CAN get better...and easier. Good luck with your decision and follow your heart!!!

 

[Karenj2]

There are a ton of advantages to parenting an only, but I've never met anyone with more that could say which one they'd give back

My MIL tried to give back my DH when he was a baby! She only wanted a break - she had two other kids (2 & 4), and the middle was EXTREMELY hyperactive, so MIL was probably sleep deprived and not thinking straight. Seriously, though - she was feeding him at one point, and cut a little square piece of meat, put it on DH's upper lip, and said "He looks like Hitler"

Anyway, he's her favorite now, even though she would deny that to the hilt. (She loves them all equally )

Sorry to get so OT - OP, I think you should go for it if you can. It can't hurt for DH to ask his current employers re: benefits coverage, can it? (I wish I had your "dilemma" - DH and I have been trying unsuccessfully for years for just one kid...)

 

[soccerchick]

I am giving you my very biased opinion as the mother of two children .

I do think that children should have siblings for the very same reasons others have already posted.

I also think finances, while important, should not be the excuse people use to NOT do something. Very few of us could comfortably afford the changes that a larger family brings. Yet, somehow, we all manage. We make sacrifices. I also understand the desire to stay home with your kids. I considered doing daycare to do so, but know myself well enough that I knew my heart would not be in that and that would not be fair to myself, my kids, or any clients. My compromise was to work part-time and in my chosen field, education. I get 7 weeks off in the summer to spend with my kids. I am also home on all of their real holidays and snow days.

I work part-time to spend time with the kids while they are little. DH has been wonderful to let me do that. We are lucky that he has a job that allows very good paying overtime if/when we need some extra money for vacation or other large purchase w/o having to touch savings.

As for dividing your love with another child, that simply does not happen. The new baby brings you even MORE love and joy.

 

[lisaross]

I think this is such a personal choice.

I have two boys! they are 5 & 7! My gyn told me the best present i gave my older son was having a sibling for him and i believe it is true for our family. I did not have bedrest w/the first, but i did have many miscarriages prior to my first son being born so the entire pregnancy i was "worried" at the dr. everyother week for sonograms etc. The 2nd pregnancy i was a bit more laid back - as i didn't have that much "free" time to worry. I am always worrying about finances, so i can see that side as well. Why not have your husband start looking for another job that w/give him health benefits as well - if this is an option for him. I do understand you wanting to be home. I worked fulltime prior to my kids then i stayed home but my husband lost his job in aug. o6 so i started back part-time and thank god he got his job back a few months later and i must say that was the most freigtning time of my life! I am still woring p/t and i love it and i do beacuase i work 3x a week while my kids are in school.. I realize i'm rambling on about me, but i think you must feel sure about your decision to have more kids both you and your husband need to be on the same page! I would love to have a 3rd child, but i feel i'm getting up there in age, they have each other and i don't think i really want to start over and also college will be another huge expense! There is no right and wrong - but you want to be peaceful at night w/whatever decison is right for your family - only you really know what that is!

The best of luck to you and your family,

lisa

rzansKat;23870611]Hi DISers,

Everyone's been so helpful with the threads I've posted. I've debated starting this one for quite a while since it's really personal. So, I am looking for opinions and realize that it really is our choice, but perhaps you could help me with some of your life experiences. I know this type of thread has been posted before, but I feel our situation is more budget related so it belongs on this board. Sorry in advance, this will be a long post.

The great debate is 1 or 2 kids. We currently have DS3 who we absolutely adore. He's been a blessing (except for this whole potty training thing ) and I'm so glad to have him in our lives. DH would love 2, 3, even 4 kids. Originally my thoughts were 2 or 3. Well, after a high risk pregnancy and bed rest for the last three months, my thoughts changed...for a while. It was scary to be high risk and have to get fetal monitoring weekly and ultrasounds bi-weekly. It was very cool to watch him grow in utero, but still, there was a lot of prayer in our household. Obviously we all turned out fine, and I've had no health issues since...unless you count those stubborn 10 pounds I can't seem to lose!

After DS was born, I was let go from my job, long story, won't add it here. I took it as sign and stayed home with him, which I loved. Then when DS was 1, DH lost his job. We both started looking for work. DH and I got jobs around the same time. I work part time, but carry our health insurance. DH's job will only cover half of his medical, and not pick up any costs to insure our family. In that sense, we've been kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the adult interaction that my job provides, but somedays, I wish I could stay home. I feel like I'm missing out, and my DS is so big already and somedays I just don't want to go to work. I do it for the insurance, to provide for my family. Also, my mom watches my DS three days a week so I can work, DH is home the other day.

So now we come to the present. I always told my DH when DS was 3 or 4 we would talk about having another one. So we have been...talking...and I have been doing major cleaning...and cleaning...and cleaning. We live in a 2BR apt and can comfortably fit 4 if we get rid of some of our junk...so I've been cleaning. Which leads me to believe, despite the risk, my heart is on board. I have the normal concerns...can I love a baby as much as DS...how will I split my time fairly...I think every parent, whether admitting it or not worries about this.

But I also worry about finances. We are debt free with the exception of DH student loan. We've paid it down significantly this year, but we also know we'll need a new or new to us car will be in the near future. I am just starting to feel comfortable with our budget and we are not pulling money out of savings every month like we had been in the past couple of years.

Now we all now how much babies cost. And how much children cost as they grow. I am usually ruled by finance. Most decisions I make are based around finances, but I don't know if I can make this decision based on that. I feel if I wait until we're financially ready, it'll never happen. And I don't want a baby based on the oh babies are so cute, cuddly, etc. I'm thinking of another child, of picturing our family as four...of feeling complete. I guess I just don't feel done.

A large problem is I know once a baby arrived, I'd prefer to stay home. At least until both kids are in school full time. That's a personal choice that I really feel is best for us. DH has offered to ask his employer if they'll pick up more of the insurance or even get a job working UPS nights to cover insurance. Is this fair? Do any of you do this? Help please, oh great DISers! Bring on the wisdom...and if you've made it this far, my heartfelt thanks.[/QUOTE]

 

[flagdaytwins]

I have two kids, but know many who have one. And I have to say.......I feel so sorry for kids who don't have siblings.....unless there is a medical reason for not being able to have more children, I just think it's sad to not give your son/daughter a sibling if you have the good health.....all else will follow!

 

[midwestdee]

I am an only child and really don't have a good thing to say about it. In my opinion, too often, only children become way too involved in their parents' lives, spoiled - not necessarily about material things - but don't learn the value of cooperating, taking their turn, way too often they think the world revolves around them and too often it does - I have seen instances where the "family" dynamics really hurt the relationship of the husband / wife. There are obviously exceptions to everything. In the end it is your decision - I just personally wouldn't recommend it. It seems to really be the kiss of death if the only is a boy (yes people - I KNOW there are exceptions to this) - my personal experience is having friends say their son is "their best friend", "I don't want him to hate me", etc..... for failing to parent their only son. Way too many jerks - again, this is just in the children of my friends that have only sons (3 friends for whom this is the case ) so far, the "kids" range in age from 24 to around 30 - and the results haven't been too great - think GED, had kids out of wedlock - up to and including time in a state prison facility basically for being an idiot. Good luck - like other posts have mentioned - you NEVER have enough money for another kid - I totally respect your trying to be fiscally responsible - but remember babies and kids don't need a lot - it is the teen years where they really fleece you. I have 2 kids - I tell them all the time - when all else fails - they will always have each other.

 

[LoveBWVVBR]

I understand your struggle. We also went through it. DD age 2 was a VERY difficult infant. While finances weren't on my mind as much, having another colicky/reflux/non-sleeping baby was. She only just started sleeping through the night when she was 25 months-old. Well, somehow DH and I decided to "try" for a second child in Dec. Less than a week into trying, I got cold feet and told DH that I wasn't ready and that I might never be ready. We were both on board with the idea of having an only child as well, so he was fine with my decision to stop trying. You already know where this is going, I'm sure. 6 weeks later, I realized that I was pregnant. We were both in shock. Then, finances were REALLY on my mind. They have been ever since.

I've tightened up the budget to figure out where we'll find the extra $$ every month for a second college fund. I've internalized the fact that I just set myself back 3 years in terms of going back to work (we want 1 parent home until the kids go to school too). Honestly, this baby is wanted and will be very loved, but we are also pretty darned happy with just having 1. I never worried about finances when we only had DD to worry about. Also, I was planning to go back to work in 3 years, and now that won't be happening. That is very frustrating to me. I love being home w/DD, but I'm not the type who can be happy not "contributing" financially for years on end, KWIM? DH never makes me feel that way...it's just how I feel myself.

My advice would be to REALLY think though the decision before you try. Try to imagine what it would feel like to definitely have another one on the way, how it will affect you financially, how you will feel knowing that you no longer have the option of having an only, etc. Good luck with your decision either way!

 

[kristilew]

I am an only child and really don't have a good thing to say about it. In my opinion, too often, only children become way too involved in their parents' lives, spoiled - not necessarily about material things - but don't learn the value of cooperating, taking their turn, way too often they think the world revolves around them and too often it does - I have seen instances where the "family" dynamics really hurt the relationship of the husband / wife. There are obviously exceptions to everything. In the end it is your decision - I just personally wouldn't recommend it. It seems to really be the kiss of death if the only is a boy (yes people - I KNOW there are exceptions to this) - my personal experience is having friends say their son is "their best friend", "I don't want him to hate me", etc..... for failing to parent their only son. Way too many jerks - again, this is just in the children of my friends that have only sons (3 friends for whom this is the case ) so far, the "kids" range in age from 24 to around 30 - and the results haven't been too great - think GED, had kids out of wedlock - up to and including time in a state prison facility basically for being an idiot. Good luck - like other posts have mentioned - you NEVER have enough money for another kid - I totally respect your trying to be fiscally responsible - but remember babies and kids don't need a lot - it is the teen years where they really fleece you. I have 2 kids - I tell them all the time - when all else fails - they will always have each other.

Ok, sorry, I have to chime back in now. Granted, I don't have my final results yet, but I will take my polite, generous, mature, cooperative, patient only child over some of the seconds and thirds I meet on a regular basis. With my energy not divided and used up, I have been able to respond to any inappropriate behavior every time it happened, and nip it in the bud. Many of my friends have third children who are monsters, due to the "oh just give her what she wants" syndrome.

While onlies can be just as selfish as others, in my experience, it is easier for dd to share and cooperate than kids who grow up fighting over all their stuff, learning from an early age to protect the "mine." All the stuff is hers here, and guests will eventually leave, so she has no problem sharing while they're here. Of course, she often ends up giving her things away to friends she feels sorry for because they are always having to give their things to their younger siblings to keep peace for their exhausted mom.

I believe that children with siblings get so much practice in fighting and pushing for their parents' attention, and competeing with their siblings,that they are frequently incapable of turning this behavior off. It's sort of a different version of spoiled, where the family revolves around the kids as a group, because the dynamics are just so overwhelming.

(I'm sure, however, that this is not the case for any of the children of DISers, natch)

One of the main reasons I wanted an only is that I wanted a lot of time for my husband. Rather than a sibling being the best gift we can give our kids, I believe that best gift is a strong, happy marriage. No matter how many kids a couple has, it is important that the constant priority is that kids come third - after God then the marriage. (I guess second if you're not religious, but who has a child then doesn't belive in God?)

Not every only hates being an only. Every time dd comes back from a friend's house, she fervrently thanks us for not subjecting her to younger siblings. As for kids always having each other, dh would love not to be saddled with some of his messed up adult siblings, who we will probably be bailing out for the rest of their lives.

Sorry for the rant. I'm a little defensive about onlies. Having said that, I do strongly believe that each of us should have the number of kids she wants. I just think it should be ackowledged that it is because we want them, not out of some misguided notion that an only child is doomed.

 

[mapmakerj]

As the DM of an only son, I agree with you. I don't worry about my DS being lonely in his old age, as he has many cousins he is close in age with that act like his siblings. I was greatful the day my DS was potty trained and didn't need a stroller anymore. I was given a new sense of freedom with my DS. We could get up and go at a moments notice and not have to haul a bunch of "baby gear" around. Many of my friends and relatives of multiples are still on the "baby gear" train, some for almost a decade. I also like the thought that I can help my DS out more with college than I ever could having more than one child. I am completely in love with my boy and don't feel like I am missing out on anything or denying him anything by not giving him a sibling. Everyone needs to decide for themselves what is the right number for them.
I just feel that the poster who said it is "sad" not to give your child a sibling if you are medically able is way off base. You make it sound as if we are being selfish. We are not. We are making the right decision for OUR families, just as, I assume, you made the right one for yours.

 

[SarahKate]

Another only here and I have no regrets. My DH is an only too. And at the moment our DD (almost 6) is an only - whether or not she will be an only or a sibling is yet to be determined.

I absolutely did NOT hate being an only. At the time I was growing up, it's what was normal to me. I didn't sit around and dream of having a sibling. Yes, I did have quite a bit of alone time, but that's not always a bad thing. I always had friends and hung out with them quite a bit, as well with my extended family.

I will say that I do worry a bit as our dads get older (both our moms passed in 2003), but I still have no regrets being an only child. It is just expected that at some point I'll have to help them out.

And re: other posts about what if we pass before our kids? The same thing could be said for a family with an only whose child passes away (Heaven forbid!!!) - is that a reason to have another child? That is definitely something I think about with my only, but I'm not going to let that dictate our ultimate decision.

I know there have been multiple posts that "giving your child a sibling is the greatest gift". While I can appreciate the value of having more than one, I disagree that it is the GREATEST gift. The truly greatest gift you can give your child is the gift of LOVE, first and foremost! That is regardless of if you have 1, 2, or 8!!! If you raise an only the RIGHT way, reinforce strong family values, teach them consequences to their actions, as well being a giving and kind person, and give them space to grow, they're going to turn out ok. They aren't any more likely to turn into DEVIANTS than anyone else who is in a family with more than 1 child!

 

[TarzansKat]

Thank you all so much for chiming in. It's so helpful to see a variety of viewpoints. For myself, I have known only children who were completely self-centered and just plain awful to one of the most caring, sensitive individuals I've known. Both only children, totally different upbringings.

For me, the question is actually not so much about giving my DS a sibling, but actually whether or not DH and I want to add to our family. While I worry about how DS will react to a sibling, in some senses that's not the biggest factor in my decision. I also don't feel he needs one, because I have a sister and we can not at all get along. There's also a seven year age difference between us. I know that this is not always "the norm", but one of my biggest fears is having another child and that DS and that child will end up like me and my sister. It may be silly, but it is lurking in the back of my mind. I mean, if it were up to her, I would never have anymore children, I'd work full time, and put DS in day care instead of having my mother care for him while I work part time. That's a whole other boatload of issues there!

Sorry for that side rant...anyway, my DSILs came over today, one is pregnant, one has a nine month old, and DS is wonderful with the baby around. They are so great together. I know he'd do well with a sibling, that doesn't worry me. It's totally the finances...but I know I don't feel done. I'll probably be kicking around this idea for a while. Also, don't flame me, but I really want to squeeze in one more Disney vacation before I get pregnant. We are hoping to go in Sept for free dining, if offered, and I would love to not be pregnant then so I can just enjoy one more slushie margarita in Mexico, KWIM? Truthfully, though, if I ended up pregnant before then, I don't think it would stop me from going...I'd just have to refocus that margarita energy onto dole whips. And it is sort of a tradition, as I did take a trip when DS was in utero, about 5 months along!

 

[TarzansKat]

I didn't want children. Then we got had a pregnancy scare and i realized I did want A child, a boy. We got pregnant and as weird as this will sound, I had a dream that a little boy was standing at the top of the steps and I asked him to come down, he said "no mommy its not my turn yet its hers".

Found out I was pregnant with a little girl. During labor i had a panic attack that my little girl was not going to be a little girl and she just had to be! All was fine and when MIL was meeting DD she asked me something and I answered "well next time we will know" and everyone looked at me and said "she isn't even an hour old and you are saying next one?" I was shocked too but realized yep, a sibbling would come eventually.

DD is now 7 and does have a little brother! I am so blessed. I can not imagine not having either one of my lil darlings in my life. DH sometimes jokes how much money we would have if we had an only or no children. I tell him no, we would have blown that money on really stupid things and have big voids in our lives.

Your heart just grows. I dont know how, it just does!

Your post gave me the chills! I can't believe you had such a vivid dream, it's truly amazing. Thank you for sharing it, and how you feel about your "lil darlings."

 

[TarzansKat]

Awww, congrats on making the "big decision". I just found out that I am preg with our 4th (and last child!!). I don't think it is unfair that you ask DH to work nights, especially since health insurance is so vital. I wish you the best!!

Congratulations on being pregnant with your 4th! Best of luck to you, and god bless for having four! DH is one of four and I remember how crazy his household seemed to me the first time I was in it. I can say however, he and his brother and sisters are all close, all talk, and even if they disagree with each other, they yell about it (Italian ), get over it, and still talk to each other. So different from my family where the grudges are held forever!

 

[Chris]

bumping

Well, I can honestly say I dont' think you'll ever regret having another.
However, if you're on the fence and don't, that you may regret.

Best of luck with your decision.

Hugs!

 

[MomofCKJ]

I haven't read all the posts but want to wish you well with your decision. I think the best advice is to really talk together about it and if you are someone who prays, pray about it.

I am an only and this is only my experience but as a kid I didn't mind being an only. I tended to get all the things I wanted, got to bring friends everywhere, didn't need to share my stuff. As an adult, I wish desperately that I had siblings. I really wish I had a brother or sister. As my parents are getting older (Mom 60, stepdad 67) I look down the road and think if there comes a time that they need care it is just me, I don't have anyone to share that responsibility with.

Allyson

 

[Kitzka]

I think you have to ask yourself-"is my family complete?" and "do i want another child or do i want my child as a baby?"

I come from a family of 2. DD comes from a family of 2. We have 1 child (9). we knew about 6 months after she was born that our family was complete. she is everything we could ever ask for and ever want.

are there times that i say "don't you want another child?" sometimes i think the answer is yes but when i ask do i want another child or do i want DD back at 5 months, 2 years etc..."
for me the answer has always been i want to relive her at whatever age. i know at the end of the day that she is all we will ever want or need.

but that is what is right for our family.

lara

 

[TarzansKat]

I think you have to ask yourself-"is my family complete?" and "do i want another child or do i want my child as a baby?"

I come from a family of 2. DD comes from a family of 2. We have 1 child (9). we knew about 6 months after she was born that our family was complete. she is everything we could ever ask for and ever want.

are there times that i say "don't you want another child?" sometimes i think the answer is yes but when i ask do i want another child or do i want DD back at 5 months, 2 years etc..."
for me the answer has always been i want to relive her at whatever age. i know at the end of the day that she is all we will ever want or need.

but that is what is right for our family.

lara

You have hit a good point! I think this stems, for me, from my feeling that I'm missing out (even though only working part time) on him growing up and although I've provided the vital health insurance, I feel like where have my past two years gone? My DS is 3, it's time to potty train him, he'll be going to preschool in the fall, and part of me is very scared. In reality I have already lost my "baby" and he's a big boy now, but it's still very hard for me.

 

[annakris1973]

You have hit a good point! I think this stems, for me, from my feeling that I'm missing out (even though only working part time) on him growing up and although I've provided the vital health insurance, I feel like where have my past two years gone? My DS is 3, it's time to potty train him, he'll be going to preschool in the fall, and part of me is very scared. In reality I have already lost my "baby" and he's a big boy now, but it's still very hard for me.

Just something to make you feel better, or take a different viewpoint on your sitch. I worked full time 12 hour shifts from the time my youngest was born until he was 2, when my oldest was born I was in college full time and had a part time job, then graduated and went to work. Now, my DD is 13 and DS is 8. I can honestly tell you that I believe that they need me as a SAHM more now than they ever needed me prior to elementary school. They need that stable constant in their lives. I look back at their early years, and even though they went by really fast, they got everything they needed even though I was working full time. Did I miss out on some things? Maybe. Did they suffer for it? No. They have a wonderful Daddy who enjoyed having Daddy time. Will I always be a SAHM? NO...I have 2 kids to put through college. Don't let YOUR insecurities cloud your judgement. It is better to have a job when you really don't need it than to really need a job and not have one.