PTA Bullying

[disykat]

So, you have to pay to just be a part of the PTA? What happens if you don't pay?

If you choose not to join, you can volunteer, you can participate, but you don't have a vote and can't handle money that runs through the PTA (bookfairs, etc) because you aren't insured.

One of the functions of PTA is being the organization that carries insurance, tax liability, and any necessary licensing for events.

 

[Andtototoo]

Another perspective here

When my foster son was in high school, we had a young mom that would help out in the stand at soccer games.

She would constantly remind us that she was younger. It would be in a “kidding around” manner, but she would not pass up the chance to say things like “That was waaay before my time” or “Ha! I wasn’t even born yet!”. It was strange. She didn’t look any younger (think years of tanning booths and fried hair), but she was so dead set on telling us how young she was.

Honestly, unless I am very close with somebody, I have no idea how old they are. After a certain age, it really isn’t in the best interest to list your age or talk about your age if you want to be taken seriously. I see the OP listed her age (as well as her husband’s age) in her ticker. Maybe she is mentioning it to others in real life as well?

This does not give those nasty moms a reason to be rude.

I am just trying to offer some advice. If you aren’t hung up on your age, others will follow. If they mention that you are so young and just a “trophy wife” (do people still use that term?), just look at them point blank and ask “How in the world do you know my age?”.

So not true. Jealous, insecure people will get hung up on a person even if they are totally unaware and never make any comments about the "issue".
Let's stop blaming the victim and admit that some people are just trolls.

 

[luvthemouse71]

Child bride? My response would have been "It is so nice to be the trophy wife." They are just jealous.

I would slowly fade out from PTA. I pay my dues every year and that's it. I let the stay-at-home moms fight over whose bringing cupcakes.

I know,I'd be rubbing my youth in their saggy faces.

I don't start off being catty, but when warranted, I can be just as nasty.

Some of these women act like that because they either need a real hobby or a job. You don't usually have time for being a nasty witch when you work outside of the home.

 

[tajz90]

I let the stay-at-home moms fight over whose bringing cupcakes.

I take offense . I am a stay at home mom and I never fight over who is bringing the cupcakes. I could careless as long as it's not me!!!!!

 

[flexsmom]

I recommend Queenbee Moms & Kingpin Dads - the awesome sequel to Queenbees & Wannabes, both by Rosalind Wiseman.

I read the sequel first and then backed up to the original book - in fact, I went running to the bookstore the first week of DD's kindergarten when I was laughingly - or not - told by a couple of other moms who had older siblings at the same school that I wore a "scarlet "W"" because I was worked outside of the home. After a few years of it, I finally gave up PTA stuff because they all have such a "not invented here" attitude about anything remotely different from one year to the next. It's like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day.

Anyhow, I think the subtitle of the book is something to do with "dealing with parents, coaches, teachers, et al" who deal with your own kids - and how parents often particularly position themselves based on what their own place in the pecking order was when they were in school.

OP - it's a great read that may help put your experiences into some context for thought - including how you, yourself, are handling it and interacting with the others. For that matter, it might even put some of the comments you've received on this board into a different context, too!

 

[Katy Belle]

Hi all, I'm fairly new to the boards (long time lurker!) and I've been having a bit of a problem at my son's school lately so I thought I'd ask for some advice. My oldest son started kindergarten this year and before I knew it I was swept into the land of the PTA. My son goes to a very cliquey private school and I've been having a really hard time volunteering without feeling ridiculously uncomfortable. I bring up ideas and they're shot down immediately, they deem them “not good enough for our children” or “we can do better than that.” I've also been given very snide and rude comments about my age and my marriage. Most of the women are in their mid-to-late thirties and frequently tell me that I'm just not old enough to do a certain task. One woman called me a “child bride” the other day. I told my husband and he was livid and felt terrible because he is the one who wanted our son to go to this particular school. He wanted to talk to the principal, but I don't want my husband fighting my battles. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I just wanted to cry the other day. I feel like I'm back in high school, it's ridiculous.
Has anyone else experienced PTA bullying? What should I do? It's not so much that I'm worried about myself, but I'm worried that these moms will start taking
it out on my son or tell their children to avoid him. Any advice would be greatly
appreciated!

If I were you, I'd invite individual boys over for play dates and take your DS to any activities that the school has. Focus on getting him IN. Next, volunteer in "worker bee" type capacities. Hopefully you will enjoy the work and get to know some non-bullying volunteers.
We have moved several times and I have not necessarily been bullied, but I have been excluded and ignored plenty of times. I just keep at it until I find a group I can work with. Some schools that never happened and I would just help out occasionally.
Funny! Just this weekend at a High School Band competition, DS17 came up to me and said, "Why are there so many power hungry Moms!". Too funny. Its true. Its bad. I help with uniforms and stay clear out of the rest of it. I wont even ride the bus, because then they feel the need to boss me around. I need to be avaiable for uniform issues, so I try to avoid the rest. And whew...stay away from the lady that organizes the food....I bring my own food now....she just scares me.
Basically, years ago, I decided I like the kids WAY more than the adults and I try to focus on jobs that work directly with the kids.

 

[Zooshoveller]

See...not nice. How is this any better than calling someone a trophy wife? Not all PTA parents are stay at home parents and stay at home parents are very busy as well, ther eis nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent.

Pay dues??? I've never heard of that. How much is it and why do you have to pay it? Just curious.

I was implying that the OP call herself a trophy wife, to turn the tables on the snarky women. "Why yes. Yes I am younger and hotter than you old hags." I am more than aware that some SAHMs are busy, I wish I was a SAHM. I don't volunteer because I work and only have so many vacation days, where as most SAHMs do not have to worry about that.

$7 per year. I get a nifty bumper sticker.

 

[Zooshoveller]

I take offense . I am a stay at home mom and I never fight over who is bringing the cupcakes. I could careless as long as it's not me!!!!!

We had two moms (the co-roommoms!) almost come to blows over the Kindergarten Valentines party. Cupcakes or cookies. WWIII almost started. I just laughed and sent paper products.

 

[Nancy for Disney]

I haven't read all the posts but I avoided all the PTO nonsense but not getting involved in it. I've never been to a meeting. My oldest just graduated and my youngest is in middle school. I am on the mailing lists so if they need something like snacks brought in for the teachers I am willing to help with that. I was still involved but in things such as scouts and assiting as the room parent. I think one year I was the lead room parent. Don't put so much preasure on yourself. I would find a small extracurricular activity and get involved with that. You are still active in your child's life but don't have to put up with all the crap. I have a friend who was a young mother with her first child and had the same issues. She had her second child the same time she became a grandmother so now she is an old mother. She still doesn't feel like she fits in with the PTO. I say this is not the end of the world.

 

[BreeBree]

Hi everyone! I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions. I had lunch with a friend today who has an older child and she said she was treated the exact same way. I guess it's just "hazing" or however you want to refer to it. There's a meeting this Thursday, so we'll see how it goes. As for the "making the other women feel old" comments, I'd feel terrible about that if that's the case! I was brought up around people who were older than me and many of my friends are 5-10 years older, that's why it hurts so much not to be taken seriously by other moms. It's been hard on my son because he's used to spending time with my friends' kids who go to different schools. He's been adjusting fairly well and he loves going to school, but I worry he's not forming any close friendships with kids in his own school. Play dates are hard for me because I have two other small children who take up a lot of my time and a husband that is constantly traveling for business. The majority of the moms have nannies that supervise during play dates and I don't believe in that (no offense to anyone with a nanny of course! I never would have survived my 2010 trip without one). Generally it's just easier to have a friend come over with their child instead of taking on four kids by myself. My mother-in-law offered to help out though and she has been watching my two other children while I'm at PTA meetings or other events for my oldest son's school. I'm just looking forward to settling in with this new "child in school" routine, it's been different! Hopefully things will settle down soon.

 

[Mkrop]

I take offense . I am a stay at home mom and I never fight over who is bringing the cupcakes. I could careless as long as it's not me!!!!!

Paper products all the way...I hate to bake!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi everyone! I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions. I had lunch with a friend today who has an older child and she said she was treated the exact same way. I guess it's just "hazing" or however you want to refer to it. There's a meeting this Thursday, so we'll see how it goes. As for the "making the other women feel old" comments, I'd feel terrible about that if that's the case! I was brought up around people who were older than me and many of my friends are 5-10 years older, that's why it hurts so much not to be taken seriously by other moms. It's been hard on my son because he's used to spending time with my friends' kids who go to different schools. He's been adjusting fairly well and he loves going to school, but I worry he's not forming any close friendships with kids in his own school. Play dates are hard for me because I have two other small children who take up a lot of my time and a husband that is constantly traveling for business. The majority of the moms have nannies that supervise during play dates and I don't believe in that (no offense to anyone with a nanny of course! I never would have survived my 2010 trip without one). Generally it's just easier to have a friend come over with their child instead of taking on four kids by myself. My mother-in-law offered to help out though and she has been watching my two other children while I'm at PTA meetings or other events for my oldest son's school. I'm just looking forward to settling in with this new "child in school" routine, it's been different! Hopefully things will settle down soon.

I don't know if they will "settle" however you will "know" how to "do" your PTA.

Hang in there and do a lot of listening. You sound like you have your head on straight and will weather these catty women with minimal drama.

Heck, at least you are trying.

 

[aprilgail2]

If you choose not to join, you can volunteer, you can participate, but you don't have a vote and can't handle money that runs through the PTA (bookfairs, etc) because you aren't insured.

One of the functions of PTA is being the organization that carries insurance, tax liability, and any necessary licensing for events.

In addition to that in our school if you don't join than your childs class does not get the extra recess and party that the classes that have 100 percent PTA get- your child also does not get the school yearbook that the other kids get at the end of the year. Oh and you can't be a class parent unless you are in the PTA either- which means you can't go on some school trips because only class parents go.

Just because you join doesn't mean you have to actually do anything LOL- I did a lot in grade school but by 4th grade I was done and stepped back and let others take over! A lot depend on your PTA board- when my daughter started school the board was really nice and welcoming and friendly- my daughter is out of that school now but there are horror stories about how witchey and petty the ones in charge are now so if we werethere now I would just pay my 8.00 and be done with it.

 

[padams]

Hi everyone! I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions. I had lunch with a friend today who has an older child and she said she was treated the exact same way. I guess it's just "hazing" or however you want to refer to it. There's a meeting this Thursday, so we'll see how it goes. As for the "making the other women feel old" comments, I'd feel terrible about that if that's the case! I was brought up around people who were older than me and many of my friends are 5-10 years older, that's why it hurts so much not to be taken seriously by other moms. It's been hard on my son because he's used to spending time with my friends' kids who go to different schools. He's been adjusting fairly well and he loves going to school, but I worry he's not forming any close friendships with kids in his own school. Play dates are hard for me because I have two other small children who take up a lot of my time and a husband that is constantly traveling for business. The majority of the moms have nannies that supervise during play dates and I don't believe in that (no offense to anyone with a nanny of course! I never would have survived my 2010 trip without one). Generally it's just easier to have a friend come over with their child instead of taking on four kids by myself. My mother-in-law offered to help out though and she has been watching my two other children while I'm at PTA meetings or other events for my oldest son's school. I'm just looking forward to settling in with this new "child in school" routine, it's been different! Hopefully things will settle down soon.

Let me respond again as a private school parent. If you are not willing to have your child go on playdates in homes with nannies and you are not willing to have a child come to your house without a parent, then your child is not going to have many playdates, if any. Once kids are in school, the standard playdate becomes one mom (or nanny) picking up the kids from school and taking them to her house to play. Playdates change from being your friends coming over and bringing their child to play with your child, to being centered on the child's friendships. Even if you get to know the other moms in class and become friends with them, when they ask your child for a playdate, they usually are not interested in entertaining you too. Four year olds should play independently enough that you should be able to handle a playdate plus your other 2 kids. Most moms like playdates because the child with the playdate has built in entertainment, and now you only have to entertain/focus on your other 2 kids.

As for nannies, they are quite common in private school families. If I had not allowed my children to go to houses with nannies, my kids would have missed out on knowing the kids who became their best friends. (We did not have a nanny but I'd guess that at least half of their classes did). My view is that if the family trusts the nanny, then I will too. I grew as attached to some of those nannies as I did the moms. If you quietly volunteer at school and in the classroom, you will hear the scoop on who has the best and worst nannies, and can decide make playdate decisions accordingly. BTW, families with nannies usually love playdates and schedule lots of them.

If other moms at the school (by knowing your husband or by things you have said) are aware of your view on nannies and that you can't handle independent playdates, then it is not so surprising that the PTA moms have treated you as they have and that your child has no playdates. I suspect you are not fitting in with the crowd. That's fine. But if it bothers you, then the private school really might not be the best match for your family.

BTW, my oldest went on his first playdate at age 2. He had started that fall at a private school. About two months into the school year, a mom called me and said the teacher had recommended my child as a good playdate fit for her child. At this point, my child had only had playdates with my friends' children (we all meet at someone's house, we all go to the zoo, etc.). I was shocked that a mom wanted to have my 2 year old at her house without my help to supervise. I had no idea how my child would handle it. The mom sensed my concern and said "oh, don't worry, my other 3 children are having friends over, and it's so much easier with an even number of kids." I'm concerned about 1 kid, and this amazing mom can handle 8. I called the teacher for advice, and she said to let my child try it. My child loved it, and his social calendar quickly filled.

 

[mjkacmom]

Let me respond again as a private school parent. If you are not willing to have your child go on playdates in homes with nannies and you are not willing to have a child come to your house without a parent, then your child is not going to have many playdates, if any. Once kids are in school, the standard playdate becomes one mom (or nanny) picking up the kids from school and taking them to her house to play. Playdates change from being your friends coming over and bringing their child .

This is what I picked up, as well. Kindergarten playdates don't involve parents staying. Even with preschool playdates, usually a couple of times with the mom and some coffee, and then it's drop-off from there on. I know it can be hard with other kids at home (obviously), but it's what you have to do. I've found that the more playdates the kids have, the quicker friendships form (I tried not to be too lazy with my twins, because it was so much easier just having them play with each other).

 

[ccgirl]

If you choose not to join, you can volunteer, you can participate, but you don't have a vote and can't handle money that runs through the PTA (bookfairs, etc) because you aren't insured.

One of the functions of PTA is being the organization that carries insurance, tax liability, and any necessary licensing for events.

In addition to that in our school if you don't join than your childs class does not get the extra recess and party that the classes that have 100 percent PTA get- your child also does not get the school yearbook that the other kids get at the end of the year. Oh and you can't be a class parent unless you are in the PTA either- which means you can't go on some school trips because only class parents go.

Just because you join doesn't mean you have to actually do anything LOL- I did a lot in grade school but by 4th grade I was done and stepped back and let others take over! A lot depend on your PTA board- when my daughter started school the board was really nice and welcoming and friendly- my daughter is out of that school now but there are horror stories about how witchey and petty the ones in charge are now so if we werethere now I would just pay my 8.00 and be done with it.

Wow, I'm so surprised to hear this. I had no idea other PTO/PTA were so different. At my DD's school there is a board (President, Vice President, Secretary and Treasurer) who is nominated and voted in to a two year (and only two year) term. Every parent is a member of the PTO without having to pay a dime. They vote at every meeting they attend. We vote by a show of hands. If it looks close, we do count and every vote counts. The only people that handle money are the Treasurer and President. There is no money or dues involved.

As for play dates, the play dates are for the child not you. If I am not comfortable allowing my child at someone's house, I do not send her. I, too, have sent my DD on play dates where nanny's were there to supervise. As a PP mentioned, if my friend trusted her with their children I will as well. Of course, I have always met the parents, nannies, grandparents before sending my child there. The same holds true for play dates at my house. This may sound rude but the play date is for the children and I don't want to have to entertain the parent as well. If I did, I would invite the parent over or out for drinks, whatever.

 

[luvmy3]

Wow, I'm so surprised to hear this. I had no idea other PTO/PTA were so different. At my DD's school there is a board (President, Vice President, Secretary and Treasurer) who is nominated and voted in to a two year (and only two year) term. Every parent is a member of the PTO without having to pay a dime. They vote at every meeting they attend. We vote by a show of hands. If it looks close, we do count and every vote counts. The only people that handle money are the Treasurer and President. There is no money or dues involved.

Here is a nice general comparison between a PTA and a PTO

http://www.ptotoday.com/pto-vs-pta-differences-at-a-glance

 

[ccgirl]

Here is a nice general comparison between a PTA and a PTO

http://www.ptotoday.com/pto-vs-pta-differences-at-a-glance

Thank you for that. I had no idea there was actually a difference, other than that one letter. I learn so much from the DIS.

 

[Hannathy]

I also think the higher the income that attends the school the more cliquish and hard to be welcomed in to the power group it is. And from things you have said OP and the info about your trips in your timeline in your posts you live in a high income area and have a high income lifestyle. And it is private to boot! I doubt they are welcoming of new kids either if the parents aren't of a certain income or power. I doubt the "scholarship" kids are being invited to many play dates either.

My Kids attend a charter school thru the school district and has been housed in a few different schools with in our district and when it was in the school from the high income part of town that PTA was very hard to do anything with or for and non welcoming but when they moved us to the school in the poor section of town they were very welcoming and glad to have the help and support our parents could offer.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Thank you for that. I had no idea there was actually a difference, other than that one letter. I learn so much from the DIS.

Yes, me neither.