PTA Bullying

[Mkrop]

This is very good advice. As someone who will have kids at the elementary school for about 15 years in a row, I made it a point to sit back and observe (working on committees, but keeping quiet). Nothing ruffles feathers like a new kindergarten parent with new ideas - it's just the way it is.

At this point, I'm solidly in the loop (being here for over 10 years), but I find I still prefer to avoid the drama, offer to help, give my opinion when asked, but stay out of the drama.

I've never heard of kids getting black listed over any parent, even if they aren't loved buy the PTA. I've found that it's best to bide your time, start off slowly, and earn the respect of the other members. Keep in mind, some of them are crazy, but you have to wait it out, to see a clearer picture, and seek out the nice ones.

This I agree with I have been at my kids's school now 9 years and I am a worker bee through and through. I dont head any committees, I just sign up for what needs to be done and I show up to do it. I have no desire to run anything.

Our PTA seems ok, the majority of them live in the same development so they do BBQs and other stuff together outside of school but I think this gives them the appearance of being cliquey. Our prinicipal talked about this very complaint last night and she said she has been around a long time and you will find it everywhere!

I know one new mom was complaining about the clique, I know for a fact I am not a part of it, but they always welcome the help so I am not sure what she wants out of it the group.

I would think these moms are jealous of your youth, but you do need to tread carefully, new ideas are great but sometimes change is hard, and sometimes the change you want to make is not as easy as you think. I just had a mom complain about our Yearbook. She wanted it changed but didnt of course want to help. When I explain to her how much time her changes would need, she got all huffy with me as if I didnt like her ideas. I am a volunteer, I love new ideas but I can reinvent the wheel bc of one complaint and certainly if you dont want to actually want to help.

 

[lovin'fl]

I kind of was in a similar situation. I was 23 and 25 when I had my kids. We were living in NC when they began elementary school. I was very involved and a room mom most years and volunteered and chaperoned field trips...I did everything I could to be involved. We then moved to MD right in time for our kids to start 3rd and 5th grade. I was, by far, one of the youngest moms for both grades...most of the moms were well into their 40s (at least 10 years older than I) and I felt like they looked down on me. And they were all good friends (most had been at the school since Kindergarten and even lived in this community for years before...in NC it was more transient). This was a public school but I was not 'let in' to the inner circle and I tried to be very involved but was also shut down like OP (I volunteered to help with the silent auction/spaghetti dinner and was basically told what to do and all of my suggestions were ignored or shot down) . The usual room moms were buddies with the teachers (some had actually taught them and some had taught their older kids).

My solution was simple...I quit volunteering. I had been super involved all the previous years, so I felt like I could take a break. My DS was starting to request that I not volunteer anyway. My 3rd grade twin DDs had a class overnight camping trip and I did volunteer for that and it was H-E-double hockey sticks. That was pretty much my last shebang. Actually, I did help with Field Day that year and then for 4th grade I just volunteered to make copies for the teachers...I'd go in twice a week and print out (sometimes collate and staple) the assignments for the teacher. That was a nice gig in that I didn't need to deal with the other moms. It was a hassle at times though...they had only 1 copier in the school and I be assigned a time to do it, but the snooty other moms (the regulars) thought that they didn't need to adhere to the schedule and would just come whenever they wanted. Sometimes I'd get there (for my scheduled time) and Mrs. Stepford Wife would be at the copier printing out 100 six page test booklets or some such crap. So, I stopped doing that when my DDs went to 5th grade.

 

[Sadie22]

This is very good advice. As someone who will have kids at the elementary school for about 15 years in a row, I made it a point to sit back and observe (working on committees, but keeping quiet). Nothing ruffles feathers like a new kindergarten parent with new ideas - it's just the way it is.

At this point, I'm solidly in the loop (being here for over 10 years), but I find I still prefer to avoid the drama, offer to help, give my opinion when asked, but stay out of the drama.

I've never heard of kids getting black listed over any parent, even if they aren't loved buy the PTA. I've found that it's best to bide your time, start off slowly, and earn the respect of the other members. Keep in mind, some of them are crazy, but you have to wait it out, to see a clearer picture, and seek out the nice ones.

This is great advice when entering any new situation.

OP, you're in this for the long haul. You want to help (and maybe you pay less to the school if you donate a certain number of hours). I happen to think every parent should participate with their children's PTAs, even if only by attending general meetings. Don't give up. Find your niche.

 

[Colleen27]

The "child bride" and "trophy wife" assumptions will disappear when you are old, like in your 30s. Enjoy it while it lasts.

No, it won't. When you're a young parent that doesn't go away. It isn't any easier fitting in with the football boosters when you're 34 with a high schooler than it is getting involved with the PTA when you're 24 with a kindergartner. BTDT. The other parents are still a decade older than you and some will be judgmental about it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

From what I have seen, this is pretty common.
Not just in PTA, but in many organizations. Especially those that involve schools, kids, etc. I also saw this in our local Cub Scout organizations.

There is just something about this type of situation in itself that brings these kinds of people out. They have to be Queen (King) of the deal. It is like Jr. High just keeps repeating itself.

I would never have wanted to be involved with the PTA here.
We finally pulled our son out of Cub Scouts that last year, because this kind of thing was so bad. I mean REALLY bad. We skipped the last year of Cub Scouts completely... Then a year later, we found a really great Scout Troop. DS is now getting ready to work on the last achievements to make Eagle Scout.

OP, my advice is that it never works out to 'make waves'.
Not in any obvious way.
You can't just change over to a new PTA organization, like we changed Scout Troops.
So, you really are gonna have to kind of stay back and just deal with the reality of those who are all about being TPTB.

Your choices are hang in there, and ride in the back seat.... Or decide that you no longer want to keep being involved.

We know that you do have the best of intentions!!!

 

[jujube]

OP, hang in. I was on the PTA board because I was friendly with the head witch. I was also the one who welcomed new people in spite of te coven. It sometimes took a while to get through all of the committee volunteers.
Even though I was chairman of a committe, I still caught crap from some women. My SIL and I were in charge of a particlar booth and 2 hags who had been doing the booth for years and had not even put their names on the list came up and told us to move. We just rolled our eyes and told them to get 2 more chairs.
I always say that is women were not such witches to each other, we'd rule the world.

 

[Social Worker Sue]

Another perspective here

When my foster son was in high school, we had a young mom that would help out in the stand at soccer games.

She would constantly remind us that she was younger. It would be in a “kidding around” manner, but she would not pass up the chance to say things like “That was waaay before my time” or “Ha! I wasn’t even born yet!”. It was strange. She didn’t look any younger (think years of tanning booths and fried hair), but she was so dead set on telling us how young she was.

Honestly, unless I am very close with somebody, I have no idea how old they are. After a certain age, it really isn’t in the best interest to list your age or talk about your age if you want to be taken seriously. I see the OP listed her age (as well as her husband’s age) in her ticker. Maybe she is mentioning it to others in real life as well?

This does not give those nasty moms a reason to be rude.

I am just trying to offer some advice. If you aren’t hung up on your age, others will follow. If they mention that you are so young and just a “trophy wife” (do people still use that term?), just look at them point blank and ask “How in the world do you know my age?”.

 

[Kbendig]

Another perspective here

When my foster son was in high school, we had a young mom that would help out in the stand at soccer games.

She would constantly remind us that she was younger. It would be in a “kidding around” manner, but she would not pass up the chance to say things like “That was waaay before my time” or “Ha! I wasn’t even born yet!”. It was strange. She didn’t look any younger (think years of tanning booths and fried hair), but she was so dead set on telling us how young she was.

Honestly, unless I am very close with somebody, I have no idea how old they are. After a certain age, it really isn’t in the best interest to list your age or talk about your age if you want to be taken seriously. I see the OP listed her age (as well as her husband’s age) in her ticker. Maybe she is mentioning it to others in real life as well?

This does not give those nasty moms a reason to be rude.

I am just trying to offer some advice. If you aren’t hung up on your age, others will follow. If they mention that you are so young and just a “trophy wife” (do people still use that term?), just look at them point blank and ask “How in the world do you know my age?”.

She said her husband works with some of their husbands. If so, I would imagine that at some point age came up in conversation. I'm not hung up on age, but I know around how old a lot of my husbands coworkers are. Just from normal conversation, birthday celebrations, etc. I also know some of their spouses ages from same conversations. "So and so invited us to her husband's 40th birthday.", things like that.

My husband is younger than I am, only 2 years but oddly it still means some of the stuff we grew up with was a little different. I remember telling a coworker once that I mentioned a cartoon and he didn't know it, then saying the year it ended and that must be why. It's stupid little tidbits, and I would bet by what I said people would assume he was even younger. I'd imagine similar things occurred with the OP.

Also, she may look younger. I'm 35 and the other day I had someone talking down to me for a while. I ignored it, but then when I said something about my son in school they almost gasped. Apparently this person assumed I was around 18, no excuse for how she acted but it was at least a reason.

 

[disykat]

PTA is not immune to "meany moms" any more than any other organization.

Personally, I've had better luck volunteering at PTA than in band boosters or other school organizations. Like anything, it simply depends on the group of people involved.

I guess I'm fortunate that our PTA is full of intelligent, welcoming volunteers who come from all walks of life and manage to work together well.

 

[lovin'fl]

She said her husband works with some of their husbands. If so, I would imagine that at some point age came up in conversation. I'm not hung up on age, but I know around how old a lot of my husbands coworkers are. Just from normal conversation, birthday celebrations, etc. I also know some of their spouses ages from same conversations. "So and so invited us to her husband's 40th birthday.", things like that.

My husband is younger than I am, only 2 years but oddly it still means some of the stuff we grew up with was a little different. I remember telling a coworker once that I mentioned a cartoon and he didn't know it, then saying the year it ended and that must be why. It's stupid little tidbits, and I would bet by what I said people would assume he was even younger. I'd imagine similar things occurred with the OP.

Also, she may look younger. I'm 35 and the other day I had someone talking down to me for a while. I ignored it, but then when I said something about my son in school they almost gasped. Apparently this person assumed I was around 18, no excuse for how she acted but it was at least a reason.

I look and have always looked younger too (though my wrinkles are starting to show my age). When I was preg with DS, we actually lived near where we live now (when he was 16 months old is when we moved to NC). I was 23 but looked about 19. I was at the grocery store that I shop at now and was wearing my college sweatshirt. I was about 7 months along and some stranger lady actually came up to me and handed me a business card for an adoption agency and told me that I had options and some other such. I was shocked but I was also naive and timid, so I said thanks and walked away. What I should have said was "I am a 23 year old working college graduate who is happily married..thank you very much for being so rude...you should learn to mind your own business". Recently, though, it was rather nice to look younger. I was at dinner with my twin DDs-13 and their friend. The waitress was taking our order and when one of them called me mom, she nearly fell over and said she thought we were all sisters. Nice!!! She got a BIG tip!

 

[ccgirl]

Okay, I have to admit, I stopped reading after the first page. A lot of posters are being "catty".

That is because that is what all the "mean girls" do after HS, they join their kid's school's PTA.

I have learned through the years to not be too vocal in the PTA because I'm not one of them and if you aren't you can forget about being heard
I volunteer for whatever they need me to do, but that is about it.

Not true at all and by you saying that, you are not better than "them". I was severely bullied as a child and I am now PTO President.

I am really sorry you have had this experience. PTA shouldn't be this way. It should be all parents working together for the benefit of the kids.

I don't think it's fair, however, to generalize against all PTA parents (and yes, I say that because I am one). With any group of women, you may find a faction that is catty, petty and mean, but that doesn't have anything to do with it being PTA. You can find that in offices, Moms' groups, fitness clubs, etc... I wasn't a mean girl in high school, and I am not a mean girl now.

At our school, the PTA works VERY hard for the good of the school and the students. Do issues come up? Sure, but we try to talk through them and work together. Sounds like the OP has found a group of women who are behaving immaturely, but I don't think that means we have to bash all women everywhere who volunteer their time to benefit their kids' schools.

Absolutely. Thank you for saying this.

Yup.

And people wonder why no one wants to join the PTA.

OP, you can either speak up or stop attending PTA meetings. I know which one I'd do, but that is up to you to decide.

Not all PTA's are like this.

First, I wouldn't call any of that bullying. People need to stop using that word.

Second, you are an adult. Stand up for yourself to these women. If they comment on your age or marriage, say something to them. But to have your husband call the principal over remarks said from one grown woman to another? Then yes, you are proving to these women that perhaps you are too young.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I cannot stand when people let others walk all over them. PTAs can be clique-y. You have a choice. Stand up for yourself and prove something if it bothers you or step away from the PTA and find other ways to volunteer.

Great post.

You are right, it doesn't have anything to do with PTA, it has to do with the women who are drawn to the PTA power positions. There is a reason people generalize, and that is because there is truth in it.

And FTR, I'm a PTA parent, I'm just not one of those women

Not true. As I mentioned before, I am the President of the PTO. We welcome everyone. I am not drawn to that position because of power. I was nominated probably because nobody else wanted it. Why? Probably because parents not on the PTO board like to talk about the officers like they think they are *special*. WHile some may, I certainly do not nor do any of the other mom's on our board. We are there to make the school a better place for our children and that is all.

People really need to stop generalizing. My DD goes to a private school and we can't get parents to go to meetings. They just want to write a check and have others doing work. The difference is, the entire PTO board now works full time. It's not easy.

I'm sorry other posters had such bad examples but not all PTO's are like that. It's not easy putting all those events together.

OP - hang in there. Like other posters said, maybe listen a bit and volunteer for committees. That is how I started, then I was a Committee chairperson and PResident of the PTO. Not that it's your intention but it's easier to ease your way in rather than ramming it down your throat. We had a grade 1 mom come to the first meeting and tell us how all of our events were awful, we didn't make enough money and we should do this..this..and this....When we asked if she wanted to Chair a commitee she said, no, she didn't have the time.

So, step back and consider your approach. Could it be you are reading into this? If they truly are being *mean* don't give them the satisfaction and stick it out.

Good luck.

 

[Colleen27]

Also, she may look younger. I'm 35 and the other day I had someone talking down to me for a while. I ignored it, but then when I said something about my son in school they almost gasped. Apparently this person assumed I was around 18, no excuse for how she acted but it was at least a reason.

That's what always gets me - I don't look mid-30s. I've never looked my age, to the point of being singled out to have a manger double-check my ID at clubs because I didn't look old enough to get in or drink, having a nurse make a comment about "babies having babies" when I was 29 and having my *last* child (I can only imagine what she'd have thought if the 10 and 7yos had been there with me!), and getting mistaken for my teenage son's sibling or sitter every now and then.

 

[Zooshoveller]

Child bride? My response would have been "It is so nice to be the trophy wife." They are just jealous.

I would slowly fade out from PTA. I pay my dues every year and that's it. I let the stay-at-home moms fight over whose bringing cupcakes.

 

[ccgirl]

Child bride? My response would have been "It is so nice to be the trophy wife." They are just jealous.

I would slowly fade out from PTA. I pay my dues every year and that's it. I let the stay-at-home moms fight over whose bringing cupcakes.

See...not nice. How is this any better than calling someone a trophy wife? Not all PTA parents are stay at home parents and stay at home parents are very busy as well, ther eis nothing wrong with being a stay at home parent.

Pay dues??? I've never heard of that. How much is it and why do you have to pay it? Just curious.

 

[brookmey]

Pay dues??? I've never heard of that. How much is it and why do you have to pay it? Just curious.

PTA membership dues here is $12 for the school year.

 

[ccgirl]

PTA membership dues here is $12 for the school year.

So, you have to pay to just be a part of the PTA? What happens if you don't pay?

 

[traviesojmt]

Being military, we have moved A LOT!! I have seen how things are done are many different schools. Our last school (private school in AL) had a wonderful group of parents participating in the PTA. I have rarely met a nicer woman than the president. She would go out of her way to make new people feel comfortable and welcome. It was a great experience at that school.

Now, this thread is very timely, because I was ranting like a crazy woman about the PTO at our new school last night. While I was very active at our previous school, my DH is currently deployed and I just don't have the time this year at the school. I have not even joined the PTO yet. A couple of weeks ago, the PTO president, was in the lobby after school looking for volunteers for the upcoming Fall Festival. I told her that I wasn't sure I could help, but I would give her my number just in case.
Fast forward to last night, I get a text from her. (Now this is a separate topic, but I don't know her. Personal opinion here, but I don't like making initial contact with a text. Seems unprofessional to me.) She wants to know if I can take a 45 min. shift making cotton candy at the Fall festival this Friday. I explain that my DS has a cross country meet and I do not if or when we would make the Festival.

Good grief, what comes next drove me nuts. I start getting the following texts: Where is the meet? What time is it? The Athletic Dept was not suppose to schedule sporting events during the festival. I will check this out.

Seriously? Check what out? Leave me alone. She texts me back to tell me the meet should be over by 5:00. She will double check and get back to me. Double Check What? Is she seriously checking my schedule to see if I can make it on time. I stopped responding pretty quickly, by the way. LOL

It is NONE OF HER BUSINESS, but even after the meet, I have to take my DS home to shower. I have told my DD9 that I "might" take her to the festival for a very short time. I am busy darn it!! I have been on her side of the fence, where I was responsible for events. BUT, I will NOT be bullied into volunteering. Not going to do it. Actually, I am so stubborn, that she just ensured I won't volunteer.

Sorry to go on so long. I guess I am still annoyed. To the OP, there are usually tons of volunteer opportunities at schools without going through the PTO/PTA. I agree with others that you should go directly through the teacher. If they don't want your help, their loss.

 

[luvmy3]

ccgirl, nowhere did I claim that all PTA moms are mean girls, so instead of telling me what I said isn't true you should read the words I actually said. Note, I did not say ONLY mean girls. Those mean girls in HS are the ones running PTAs all over the country because those type of girls crave that kind of power over those "below" them just like they did in HS. If you don't think that generalization is true, take a look at the examples in this thread and then google yourself PTA and see what pops up. You will see its very common.
Are there women involved who were never a mean girl, of course. Are there women there who are doing it just for the kids, of course. Never said there weren't

 

[luvsJack]

So, you have to pay to just be a part of the PTA? What happens if you don't pay?

You aren't a member and you don't get to vote at the meetings (not that anyone actually checks that or even really counts, its just what looks like the majority when hands are raised).

Last time I joined, our dues were $15.

 

[lovin'fl]

PTA membership dues here is $12 for the school year.

We do too and I don't pay anymore.