Paying for your adult childs wedding

[mjkacmom]

Living here, I see things a little differently. First of all, the OP doesn't have to pay a dime towards the wedding, she should give only what she can reasonably afford. However, at least here, 30 isn't late in life to get married, and most parents do contribute to the cost of a wedding, many paying for the whole thing. DH and I married at 28, the first among our friends. Luckily, we didn't have any student loans (parents paid), and my parents paid for our wedding (they could afford it). We were saving up for a down payment for a home, and really didn't have any extra money (both of us moved out of our parents' homes soon after college, and paid rent). Starter homes run around $400,000 here, not cheap.

It seems like the OP's dd just assumed that the money promised for her wedding was still available (maybe thinking $10,000 or so was in a bank account). So I don't blame her for being surprised. However, once she understands that the money is needed for retirement, or current bills, I'd hope she'd put on a big smile, and come up with a plan B.

I never told my kids we'd pay for weddings, or their whole college tuition. Public college here, including room and board, runs about $100,000. We will pay for one year. When the OP said both of them took out loans, I took it to mean that the dd took out loans, too. I think this situation came about because the OP told her dd that she would pay for the wedding. It's so rare here for people to get married under the age of 25, so I don't think anyone would assume the deal was off because they reached 30.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I would agree the age is less of a factor. OP should just explain that things changed. OP has contributed MORE than "planned" toward DD's education and DD's bills as an adult. Some of that "wedding" money has been consumed (by DD) for other unplanned expenses, so it's just not available anymore.

 

[disykat]

But age IS a factor. My parents are in their 80's and I'm in my 50's. I can't imagine anyone thinking now that they should pay for a wedding for me. At some point, age is a factor for everyone. The only difference might be at what point.

 

[Andtototoo]

Some years ago, I went with a friend and her mother to look at bridal gowns. My friend is the opposite of diva, in fact I think she's too nice sometimes. She was 30, had been engaged for a year (wedding date set 2 years in advance), and had obviously been talking "wedding" for some time with her parents. Her mother waited until she had THE gown on to say, "Beautiful, but do YOU have that much money?" ($500)

My friend's jaw dropped and she spluttered, "What? You always said you were paying for my wedding." The mother turned red, stared at the floor and said, "That was before we helped pay for your grad school."

Basically, the parents had decided when they helped pay for grad school that they would not pay for her wedding, but chose not to tell her that. They continued to keep mum on this decision for the next 8 years, even after she was engaged, even after many many conversations about the wedding for a year. The mother admitted that they had never said a word to her about changing the "deal" and that she knew she was going to tell her in the bridal salon in front of me and the consultant because she couldn't put it off any longer. (She knew it was going to be a shock and decided to lower the boom in front of a salesperson and a friend. Lovely.) The shopping trip did not end well and their relationship suffered, not because of the money, but because they let her go on thinking the deal remained the same throughout many pointed wedding conversations for over a year. As she said, had she known she had to pay for her own wedding, she would have made different financial decisions, or at least had different expectations. It was the shock of expecting and having them reinforce that expectation that she was going to have the traditional wedding -- the wedding she'd been talking about for over a year with her mother -- only to find out, that she wasn't and that her parents had known she wasn't and weren't honest enough to tell her. Like I said, my friend is super nice, the opposite of spoiled, but she was shocked and curt in that situation.

So long story short, the take away from that for me was to always be completely blunt about financial situations that affect other's previous expectations as soon as possible.

 

[elaine amj]

I agree with you; however, if the parents have set the child up for that (and this parent did) then we can see where the expectation/entitlement attitude came from.

While it should never be a "given" that parents will foot the wedding bill, historically this has been what our society has done and definitely it is the expectation in many families. I have yet to go to a wedding in my family where the parents have not foot the bill. Maybe not the entire bill but a significant portion. My DD (who is 23) and I have actually never even had the conversation but it would shock me that she would expect I would be paying a significant portion of hers because our whole family has done that (....I better go have that talk soon!!)

So while everyone is saying that adult children shouldn't expect that, I think they do because so many people already do it, it was "traditional etiquette" to do so. However, that tradition was based on teen brides, women who had no careers, dowries, etc. Things have changed so much beginning foremost with the kids often making more than the parents and marrying at later ages.

Isn't usually the bride side of the family that pays for the wedding? Or has that gone by the wayside?

The problem is that the OP promised a set amount of money. It doesn't matter how much time passes, a young lady remembers pretty much anything in regards to her wedding (even if she wasn't even dating at the time). I'd be mad, too, if someone promised something and then renegged.

Be understanding of this bit, sit down with her and explain that the recession hit you hard but now this $$$ is what we can give you. Reality sucks, but I can totally see why the daughter is cranky about it. She's had that dollar amount tattooed on the inside of her eyeballs ever since you said it.

I would imagine it is a case of expectations from your daughter. I remember when I got married, I too fully expected my parents to pay for my wedding. I got an eye opener when my mother reminded me that Chinese culture is NOT the same as Western culture and that she fully expected my huband's family to pay for our wedding. We ended up having receptions in 2 different countries so I asked my parents if we could compromise - my family would pay (and plan) for the wedding expenses in our country and my husband could manage the expenses here in Canada (his dad ended up insisting on paying for the meal which helped a lot. In return, we gave both sets of parents all the cash gifts we got for the wedding and they got to invite whoever they wanted). I told my parents I would be perfectly happy to get married in the house and just have a backyard reception - it didn't have to be anything fancy. My parents ended up choosing to have a "normal" reception in a hotel with all the accompanying traditional things although I did try to keep my dress budget to a few hundred dollars.

Now when my brother got married, my parents paid for a lavish 800-guest wedding for him since that was what he wanted. Both his and their expectations were for my parents to foot the bill.

 

[TLSnell1981]

First of all, I hope one's child IS an adult, before they get married. I would never put an "age limit" on paying for my child's wedding (male or female). Although, financial situations can change and mostly could/should be a determining factor.
I would give, what I was able..no more or less..

OP, I'm sure your daughter has dreamed of the perfect wedding. Of course, everyone's idea of "perfect" is different. I had to reel my youngest DD in and remind her....the sky was NOT the limit. She discovered an elegant wedding didn't need to be crazy expensive. There are many areas to slim the budget, without affecting her special day. Obviously, she can afford a few extras, that are of great importance to her, but out of your budget.


Break it down. You can save money without looking cheap. The wedding dress can be a huge expense...or not. A band will cost more than a DJ. You will save money by using flowers, that are in season. The day or the week and time of the year are also factors. Serve wine instead of an open bar... etc

Good luck and best wishes.


PS
I wouldn't scrimp on a wedding planner. Their cost is minimal and their worth...priceless!!