Paying for your adult childs wedding

[tzolkin]

Isn't usually the bride side of the family that pays for the wedding? Or has that gone by the wayside?

That has mostly gone by the wayside, but even if that were still the norm it doesn't change the OP's post and the responses.

The OP (bride's parents) are willing to foot the bill. They just can't afford the type of wedding the bride wants. If the bride wants something more elaborate than what her parents are able or willing to spend, she will have to come up with the rest of the money.


I think the tradition of brides parents paying for weddings made more sense when women were getting married at a young age. Parents now, like the OP, are paying tens of thousands of dollars for their daughters' educations and often helping them out financially during their young adult years. The money that parents may have saved to pay for a wedding is now going toward these other expenses. It's a bit ridiculous to expect that a bride's parents should be obligated to pay for her wedding when they may have already spent $100,000 on her education.

 

[SLP958]

I can't imagine a 30 year old expecting their parents to pay for anything.

I can't get my mind around the delayed onset of adulthood these days.

I'm 35, so I don't necessarily feel old and out of touch but it seems nuts!

Tell this chick NO and let her work out the reasoning as she matures.

 

[nkereina]

Has your daughter's friends gotten married yet? I'm 28 and have had a few get married (I've been a bridesmaid) and I am horrified at the amount of money they spend on it. What's more is that most of my friends have footed the bill for it themselves, so I've watched them sacrifice and throw away savings all for an over-the-top exorbitant wedding. So unnecessary. I'm getting married next year and having seen this first hand has really grounded my expectations and plans in general. I think it's much more fiscally responsible, and also better for the long-term, to take the money you ARE offering to her and spend that on a house. This is what we've opted to do with the money my parents saved for me.

 

[eliza61]

Yes, you did, lol. Your points are not lost on me, believe me.

I remember having a conversation about this very thing with my cousin's son. He'd lost his mom at age 50. We'd both agreed there shouid ideally be a mix between enjoying life while you can, and saving for the future, since none of us know for sure how long we'll be here.

But between COL and student debt today, the sad reality is that paying for a lavish wedding you can't afford does have well documented ripple effects - not just in the distant future, like retirement, but in the near future, like deferring a home purchase and starting family, etc. Which is fine, if that's "what you want". The problem seems to be when people think they can "have it all". Sometimes they just can't, and have to make choices. Want to have a lush wedding? Fine. Maybe you need to look at ways of keeping college costs low. Want to backpack across Europe for a couple of years? Great. Maybe you accept you'll have roommates for a few years afterward. Want to buy a home more than anything? Awesome. Maybe you need to live at home for a while, or have a small wedding ceremony on the beach somewhere, etc. My point is just that, today, it's hard to have everything.

You were very fortunate if your family could afford to give you $20K for your wedding.

LoL unfortunately Pea I was the last remaining girl!! My sister eloped and all my brothers were in the military so they had justice of the peace affairs before deployment. I think my mom felt it was her last chance at a shindig
And I definitely remind myself that this was 30 years ago.

Dh and I have always been pretty open with money talks with the kids lol they are use to hearing "we're broke" or the old standby "what? You think money grows on trees".

My kids suffer from "the world doesn't appreciate my greatness". I've got one kid who's in a plumbers apprenticeship program, yet thinks he should be making 100k just because he woke up.

I am going to take great pleasure when he goes apartment hinting and realizes that it might not be that three bedroom penthouse with a view of Downtown

 

[disykat]

I had to chuckle at the title of this thread. I hope if you are getting married you are an adult.

.

Actually, not always. My niece got married last summer right after high school graduation. In her case, her parents definitely had to pay for her wedding (*If a wedding was to be had!) since she hadn't ever had a job. She was a child one day, and basically BECAME an adult the next, by virtue of being married. She was her parent's dependent one day, an adult the next. This used to be comon, now most kids go to school, training, or start towards a career some way prior to marriage.

IMO, becoming an adult is usually a process that people go through between 18 and 21. Official adulthood, again IMO, starts at financial independence. My oldest is 22, but still somewhat financially dependent. He'll be independent in about 6 months and THEN I'll call him an adult. Right now I consider him to be in the process.

*edited to change because I didn't mean to imply the parents HAD to pay, more like they did. I don't believe it's a parent's job to pay! No way I would have ever paid for a wedding in those circumstances, but it worked for that family. My point was simply that people who I consider children do get married!

 

[hereyago]

Actually, not always. My niece got married last summer right after high school graduation. In her case, her parents definitely had to pay for her wedding since she hadn't ever had a job.


The parents should have given the number of the JOP to the perspective adults and the guy could pay.


Someone wants a dream wedding, then they need to make that happen for themselves. They can do a vowel renewal thing later on if they cant afford all that at first.

 

[beachcorey]

My husband (20 years now) and I were 19 years old when we were married. We met in 7th grade : ). My parents gave us $3,000 for the wedding. I was grateful for everything they gave us. I know they made a very good income and lived in an impressive home but I was mature enough (how they raised me) to realize that was their money and anything they gave me was a gift- not expected. People would make comments that I was from a "rich" family but I knew that my parents might be wealthy but that had nothing to do with me. They did raise me to know that they will always be there for me. If I needed and asked for something they would give it to me but I am my own person and have my own life. I was raised with responsibility. We had an outside wedding at a beautiful location and my 5 aunt's got together to do the food. Another aunt did the flowers. It was a very personal, special wedding and the fact that our families donated their time instead of money made it more special. That being said I was never a person that envisioned a perfect/fancy wedding. I might feel differently for the brides that do feel more emotional towards the wedding. I just knew I wanted to be his wife forever. I didn't care about the wedding. We have 3 daughters of our own now and make a good income. Our oldest is in college and we make it clear to her that she needs to have a job, support herself while going to school, but that we will help her out with expenses if we can see she is putting in hard work herself. When it comes time for her to be married (she's dated her boyfriend since her sophomore year in high school) I plan on doing the same thing my parents did. Weddings don't have to be expensive. It's about love and becoming one. $3,000 is generous when $35.00 would cover the cost of a justice of the peace.

 

[bsblady01]

my husband and I paid for our own wedding the only thing my parents paid for was my dress

 

[scoutie]

My parents and DH's parents paid for the majority of our wedding, but they were clear that they wanted all of their friends and our whole family at the wedding. If I was paying for it, their friends wouldn't have been invited, nor would the extended family that I didn't know well. It was a trade off that worked out for us all.

 

[runsandjumps]

I will never understand the dream of a lavish wedding when you can't afford it. If you want it, you save for it and pay it off yourself. Why so much planning goes into one day is beyond me. I am just not that kind of person I suppose. If people spent half the time planning the actual marriage as opposed to the wedding, divorce rates would plunge.

I have told my kids- elope and then take a lavish vacation. That's what we did and it was the best idea ever.

 

[Bec3b1g]

That has mostly gone by the wayside, but even if that were still the norm it doesn't change the OP's post and the responses.

The OP (bride's parents) are willing to foot the bill. They just can't afford the type of wedding the bride wants. If the bride wants something more elaborate than what her parents are able or willing to spend, she will have to come up with the rest of the money.


I think the tradition of brides parents paying for weddings made more sense when women were getting married at a young age. Parents now, like the OP, are paying tens of thousands of dollars for their daughters' educations and often helping them out financially during their young adult years. The money that parents may have saved to pay for a wedding is now going toward these other expenses. It's a bit ridiculous to expect that a bride's parents should be obligated to pay for her wedding when they may have already spent $100,000 on her education.

I have to agree. Times have changed and college tuition is much more expensive. I will have 3 in college next year and each one has/will have a yearly tuition bill of more than 50k. I truly can't wrap my head around a 30 year old who makes more money than her parents expecting them to pay for a wedding after they've already paid for her college.

OP, I would be honest with your daughter and let her know that you would have to withdraw from your retirement account in order to fund her wedding. Even the most self-centered 30 year old would surely not expect their parents to do that.

 

[DebbieB]

I have to agree. Times have changed and college tuition is much more expensive. I will have 3 in college next year and each one has/will have a yearly tuition bill of more than 50k. I truly can't wrap my head around a 30 year old who makes more money than her parents expecting them to pay for a wedding after they've already paid for her college.

OP, I would be honest with your daughter and let her know that you would have to withdraw from your retirement account in order to fund her wedding. Even the most self-centered 30 year old would surely not expect their parents to do that.

I wouldn't bring up the retirement account, that is walking into a trap.

I was talking to an engaged girl in my office about a month ago, I would guess she's late 20's. The wedding is this fall. She was telling me all the "deals" she got for the wedding, she found a dress for $300! It's being held at a VFW hall, nothing fancy. I really wanted to commend her for having her priorities straight.

 

[StitchBuddy]

It's sad that adult children still expect their parent to foot the bill for everything. I would give her a set amount and that would be it. If she is still curt about it, then I would decrease the amount I would supply. Can you tell this struck a nerve with me?!? I just had a strong heart to heart with my own DD yesterday about what a rude awakening she is about to have.

 

[ksjayhawks]

OP--I find your dd's response disappointing. You helped her with loans for college, you paid her loans/bills when she couldn't. She was curt to you when you told her what you could give her towards the wedding.

Do not feel bad; do not take anything out of your retirement. You have been hit hard by the recession and you only have so much money to give.

If, and when, she gets engaged, you can talk with her about the amount of money you can give her. Be honest and say that you wish you could give her the amount that you two talked about all those years ago when she was a teen. However, you and dh were hit hard by the recession and cannot give her that amount anymore. Tell her the amount that you can give (don't forget to set aside some for a gift and other related wedding expenses that you will have). Hopefully she will be grateful.

If she wants a grander wedding, then she and fdh can finance the rest. They make good money and can decide whether or not they want to use it for a lavish wedding or can go with a simpler wedding--but that is their choice.

 

[ronandannette]

OP--I find your dd's response disappointing. You helped her with loans for college, you paid her loans/bills when she couldn't. She was curt to you when you told her what she could towards the wedding.

Do not feel bad; do not take anything out of your retirement. You have been hit hard by the recession and you only have so much money to give.

If, and when, she gets engaged, you can talk with her about the amount of money you can give her. Be honest and say that you wish you could give her the amount that you two talked about all those years ago when she was a teen. However, you and dh were hit hard by the recession and cannot give her that amount anymore. Tell her the amount that you can give (don't forget to set aside some for a gift and other related wedding expenses that you will have). Hopefully she will be grateful.

If she wants a grander wedding, then she and fdh can finance the rest. They make good money and can decide whether or not they want to use it for a lavish wedding or can go with a simpler wedding--but that is their choice.

That's a very gracious approach but honestly OP, you don't need to justify your position. Your personal finances are frankly none of her business any more so than she needs to explain to you where her large salary goes. And if she had the temerity to ask, rather than detailing your personal net worth I'd mention the cost of her education and the free ride you gave her while she was unemployed. I know this comes off as harsh, but I'm feeling a little offended for you. Your opening post almost implies you feel like you've done something wrong - you haven't. (Unless raising a bit of a spoiled princess counts and we all struggle with that .)

 

[Laura66]

You owe her NO explanation whatsoever!!!!
Your personal finances are none of her business!
Do NOT apologize!

You say - I'm happy to give you - x amount - to put towards your wedding. That's it!

Has she ever thanked you for college or helping her out when she was in financial trouble?

 

[Donnainnj]

My guess is this is the way she was justifying a big wedding to the boyfriend who was previously married. They wouldn't have to pay for it so why not? Now she is embarrassed. Doesn't justify rudeness, but I figure she was taken off guard.

 

[goofy4tink]

I have three kids...two from a former marriage, the youngest from current marriage. The eldest is 41, is married and living in Tampa. My dh and I paid for some of his college ed, he took out loans for the rest....note I said my dh, not my ex! Ds is still living in an apt because they can't afford a house until his student loans are paid off. When they got married, dh and I gifted them $1000 to use however they wished. Second child is 37, dd. She is living on her own, paying her way...sort of. She still needs us to augment once in awhile....car expenses, etc. She is a daycare worker. If she gets married, we will pay something towards it....figure that while we didn't pay for college (she currently is taking online courses that she pays for), we can pay for a part of a wedding.
That brings me to the youngest...she is 21, a junior in college...a fairly expensive college. She has some student debt...not a ton. But, for this semester we made her take out a loan for the entire semester cost because she messed up one core class and has to retake it, and didn't do work study as she promised up to that point. But, we have paid the rest of her costs...books, room and board, tuition. Not to mention day to day living expenses. We used some savings to pay partlly, and took out state funded loans for the rest..so we will be looking at repayment in 18 months. And truth be told, we will probably pick up a lot of this semester's loan when she graduates....if she does well!
Will we pay a ton of money for her wedding? Up to a point. I will not take out a loan to do so, I will not go further into debt for this. She will sit down with us and we will discuss what we are prepared to pay for. If she wants anything more lavish, she and her fiance can pay for it! My parents paid for my first wedding. Second time around, my fiance and I paid for it...it was a smaller affair, with just 95 guests vs the 225 I had the first time. BUT....my mother paid for my wedding gown, and my father paid for an open bar at the reception...I told him he could do that for the 90 mins we would be having photos done! He decided to pay for the entire 4.5 hrs! I was not happy...I hate open bars. But, I digress.

Both the girls will get something from us when they get married..if they decide to marry. But, sadly, I think there are too many wedding shows on TV....Say Yes to the Dress for instance...where whiny brides get to have $10,000 wedding gowns, because Daddy can't say no! And so, parents go into debt. That's crazy. People need to step back and reassess their priorities. I want to be able to retire with my dh at some point. There is no way I am putting that in jeopardy so my child can have a $50,000 wedding! And I would be incredibly disappointed in that child for even thinking about asking for such a thing!

 

[MrsDuck]

My parents gave me X amount of money for our wedding. Anything else I wanted outside of that amount, we paid for. That was the deal and I wouldn't have dreamt about throwing a fit otherwise.

Sounds like she needs a reminder that you are giving her something which is better than nothing.

 

[NewRVLady]

. But, sadly, I think there are too many wedding shows on TV....Say Yes to the Dress for instance...where whiny brides get to have $10,000 wedding gowns, because Daddy can't say no! And so, parents go into debt. That's crazy. People need to step back and reassess their priorities. I want to be able to retire with my dh at some point. There is no way I am putting that in jeopardy so my child can have a $50,000 wedding! And I would be incredibly disappointed in that child for even thinking about asking for such a thing!

I agree-the wedding shows make regular girls want something so over the top-and beyond the average family's means!
I have seen so many creative venues for weddings with my kids friends...Vineyards for many-many very reasonable. One couple had their reception in the building of the carousal in the local zoo-too cute!