Parents of young adult kids...

[wishesuponastar]

My oldest daughter is 27 and has been supporting herself for years. She used to live with me then her Dad and I don't know what he gave her for financial help. My two other daughters are teens. One has a job and pays for all of her social life activities and car insurance. When she graduates college, if she moves home we will not charge her rent or for food but we do expect she will pay for all other necesseties. Good luck OP with changing things with your children. I hope they will understand.

Eta DH and I really don't have the extra finances to give to our children. So we pretty much tell them we can't afford it a lot.

 

[pat fan]

We're the mean parents. Our kids had to pay for car insurance if they wanted to drive. When they graduated HS we told them, college, job or military, you pick. One did job, one did college. College one we paid for books and gave money monthly (just some pocket money). Job one we really didn't have to do anything. We did help them both with car stuff if they needed it the first few years. College one started college smart, ended it stupid. In CC debt up to his eyeballs (not college related), so frustrated with his life choices. We have helped him with dental bills, health bills, excise tax.....We decided he's 26 now, you're on your own. He was on lour insurance til his 26 b-day, now he has his own. Job son, no worries. Owns a house, just bought a truck, is getting his own insurance this fall since he's getting married and we said they could be on our insurance til they turned 26 or got married. I think if #1 DS had not gone to college, he'd be in as good of shape as his DB. College bites. That said, they need to have the apron strings cut sooner rather than later. I wa out and married at 18 and neither of out parents helped us at all.

 

[tvguy]

Probably never. And probably because my mom never totally cut me off. When we added on to our house, or bought a car, she told us we'd be stupid to borrow money from the bank when we could borrow from her at half the interest rate.....which saved us money, and usually earned her more interest than the bank was paying. I took my 24 and 28 year old kids ( and my 28 year olds girlfriend) on vacation on my dime. My mom used to take us on vacation as her treat. As she put it, it allowed her to be around to see us spend our inheritance. I totally get that now. A little money that my kids would have gotten after DW and I are gone, was spent now, allowing us to spend a week together as a family.

 

[nkereina]

I'm 29 now, but I was "cut off" after I got a full time job when I graduated from college. Once I was up and running in my own apartment with a few paychecks under my belt, I took over my own cell phone plan, car insurance, and of course paid my own rent and utilities. My car was paid for and given to me as a graduation gift from high school. It was up to me at that point to buy a new car when the time came for that. I think this is pretty fair, and I also think it's fair to tell a child not attending college that they are cut-off at 18, assuming they work full time.

 

[njmom47]

Update: Ds got his first paycheck from his summer job and his first words were "How do I figure out how much to put into my savings account?" So we talked about his options (putting himself on a budget, how much would he need for gas and fun for the week, paying his dad back for car repairs - which dh said he would put aside for ds anyway). I did the yippie dance!! I do feel like he was proud to save.

 

[eliza61]

Lol. never. i don't believe in "cutting" kids off just because they hit some magical age. My house was damaged in a fire when I was 33, thank the good lord my dad helped us out. it would have been disastrous had they not.

My parents paid my college tuition, I paid for my sons. i didn't buy my kids cars but they have my old cars.

We do the 10% rule.
They save 10% of their salary
They pay 10% toward the house, they donate 10%.

We are currently sailing on the Oasis of the sea, i paid for the trip. they are responsible for their spending/drinking/ gambling cash.

They are 21 and 23. great adults. oldest dh is saving for his first apartment

 

[Sgt Mickey]

DS is 19 and he is in the Army so it was pretty easy. He has been in for a year now. He is on our phone bill but he pays for his portion. Once he upgrades to a smart phone before he left that is what we asked him to pay. He didn't have a car yet but he would put gas in mine if he used it.

 

[MainMom]

YNAB aka You Need A Budget. Google it. The program is amazing. I use it for household & business. I also have my oldest child on it. If you get the methodology it is easy to budget your money and differentiate between wants and needs. It's really a great tool for kids and adults. I can't recommend it enough.

 

[aprilgail]

We didn't have to... she has always been independent, making her own money, and she married when she was 19 and is now 21 and they own a house. I think we got REALLY lucky!

Everytime I read on here someone married at 18 or 19 I twitch thinking about my own daughter. I will be so upset if this was the road she chooses! Of course I will smile and suck it up but inside I will be vomiting!

 

[wenrob]

DD will be 19 in August, she graduated last June and started college last Fall. Essentially she lives rent free and gets fed. She is on our insurance and will remain on it as long it's allowed. I pay for her phone bill on our plan but she bought the phone. This is something I'll probably do until she's out on her own and well established. A peace of mind for Mama, kind of thing. She works two jobs and pays her own tuition. We have offered to pay the tuition but she refuses. She does know if she falls short on it we'll cover it but she's pretty determined not to let that happen.

We've always taught her to save up and earn things but I'd say at sixteen is when we started easing her into things all kids take for granted or don't even realize needs to be paid for. I started having her pay to get her hair done if she wanted more than just a cut, so I'd pay for the cut portion and she'd pay for the highlights and whatever. I'd buy her essentials and clothes if she needed them but if she wanted beyond that she was on her own. That just morphed into buying her own naturally. She goes out, she pays. When she got her license I had her start paying half of what it cost to add her to insurance. If she drove my vehicle she needed to put gas in it. Sometime after she bought her car she started paying the whole bill, it just gradually happened.

Even without tuition and working two jobs I don't think she'd make enough to be out on her own yet. She knows rent is free as long as she is in school and knows she needs to work for anything extra beyond basic needs. I suppose we'll probably start easing her into paying a portion of utilities/food/rent over the next couple of years so that when she graduates she'll be ready to be on her own.

 

[pat fan]

Everytime I read on here someone married at 18 or 19 I twitch thinking about my own daughter. I will be so upset if this was the road she chooses! Of course I will smile and suck it up but inside I will be vomiting!

Why?

I got married at 18 and we just had our 28th anniversary. As the movie quote goes "When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!"

 

[wishesuponastar]

Njmom - so happy to hear that your son wants to save money from his paycheck. You done good, Mom!!

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

How did you break them off financially?
We are getting tired of paying for things for our kids...and we're wondering how others made the break.
Not that our kids don't pay for ANYTHING of their own, and their circumstances are all different, so I don't know if we just pick an age and say "When you turn xx we are not paying for your yy anymore."
Is it really as easy as that?
(Yes, I am the lenient parent who doesn't know how to do this...no bashing please!!!)

it depends on the kid and the situation


Like in my case being on Ssi my mom has to be the one to handle my finances because I was a minor when I got it and when she passes on she will find a family friend to do it

 

[Sadie22]

Why?

I got married at 18 and we just had our 28th anniversary. As the movie quote goes "When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible!"

Congratulations!

 

[WowLookAtThat]

I think it depends on the kid.

I lived with my dad while I was going to community college. He paid for tuition and books and I paid him back while I was working. I chipped in on household expenses and saved my money carefully. I bought my own food and bought simple and cheap clothes that would last a while. When I left college and started working, I moved out as fast as I could (I lived under my dad's roof and hated his rules that were unfair). I was 22.

My brother on the other hand lived with my mom until he was 23 and never worked. She didn't expect him to really hold down a job. My parents bought his clothes and paid for his food.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

YNAB aka You Need A Budget. Google it. The program is amazing. I use it for household & business. I also have my oldest child on it. If you get the methodology it is easy to budget your money and differentiate between wants and needs. It's really a great tool for kids and adults. I can't recommend it enough.

Interesting. I bookmarked it to check it out later!

 

[smiths02]

Lol. never. i don't believe in "cutting" kids off just because they hit some magical age. My house was damaged in a fire when I was 33, thank the good lord my dad helped us out. it would have been disastrous had they not.

My parents paid my college tuition, I paid for my sons. i didn't buy my kids cars but they have my old cars.

We do the 10% rule.
They save 10% of their salary
They pay 10% toward the house, they donate 10%.

We are currently sailing on the Oasis of the sea, i paid for the trip. they are responsible for their spending/drinking/ gambling cash.

They are 21 and 23. great adults. oldest dh is saving for his first apartment

I think it is very individual.
My DH, for example, has parents that have helped us a lot in many ways (not just financial...like his dad fixes stuff for us, babysit for us, etc.). They haven't paid any of his bills since college (even then once he moved out at age 20, they paid for college and gave him a car and paid insurance until he finished college),but they still buy us Christmas presents, etc. We are in our 30s...once we get done paying for daycare for twins, though, I think the tables will turn and we will be the ones giving them more lavish gifts. My DH moved out at 20, married me and joined the USMC at 22 (after college), and he has been self-sufficient since then.

I on the other hand learned to be hard-working and good (not great LOL) with money because I had no choice. I was raised poor by a single mother, she can't really help. In fact, I know I might have to work even harder because I will probably have to help her eventually.

For me, I have a hard time knowing if I am enabling or empowering my children with the choices we make because they are so "spoiled" compared to my childhood.

 

[smiths02]

Interesting. I bookmarked it to check it out later!

http://www.daveramsey.com/everydollar/
This is also a free budgeting tool.
I'm still just using a word document, though, I'm old school LOL

 

[StitchBuddy]

I don't have kids that age yet, but my feeling is that we will support our kids through college and then 6 months after that or if they don't do college/trade school, then 6 months. I will pay medical insurance as long as they needed it, though.
We might give them a head start like his parents did us (a decent used car), but not pay their actual bills, and I would charge them rent if they stayed with us (I might give a portion of it back when they moved out, but I would charge it).
Obviously, if there were an emergency, we would help as we could so they didn't starve or lose medical treatment.

I would also hope that we could be generous like my DH's parents have. (My mom can't give anything) Like they gave us some money when we got married or when we had our first son. But they don't actually pay our bills. They didn't pay any bill except DH's car insurance. After college, they didn't pay anything. DH and I were married shortly after he finished college.

My parents used the same 6 month rule and it worked for all of us. I plan to do the same with our DD.

 

[leebee]

DD21 has just graduated from college and moved back in with us. She had a full-time job secured within a week of graduation, and loves what she's doing! She'll be here for a year as her boyfriend is in a 5 year engineering program so he has one more year to go. This is serious relationship and they are planning on moving "together" when he graduates and finds a job (and have been to look at engagement/wedding rings twice ), so I am 99.99% sure that she'll only be here for a year. I don't see any sense in charging her traditional rent, as we are heating the house, using the water and electricity anyway (her share of this would be minimal), and I know she is saving up for moving, paying school loans, etc. She pays for her own cell plan and usually chips in $200-$300 a month towards groceries, car insurance, etc., as well as pays for her own social activities. I recently bought her a "bunch" of new clothes as she needs a decent wardrobe for her new job (college-kid stuff won't cut it), but as we didn't give her a graduation present, she decided that new clothes would be in lieu of a graduation present. (Not a huge expenditure... less than $400 for a LOT of work clothes and 2 pairs of shoes, she's a frugal shopper!) She's always worried that she is costing DH and me too much money, so we have an agreement that if we need her to pay for something, we'll tell her, and she has to trust that. I know it's very loose right now, but it works for us, and I am glad that she is focused on saving for her school loan payments, moving, etc.