Parents of young adult kids...

[njmom47]

How did you break them off financially?
We are getting tired of paying for things for our kids...and we're wondering how others made the break.
Not that our kids don't pay for ANYTHING of their own, and their circumstances are all different, so I don't know if we just pick an age and say "When you turn xx we are not paying for your yy anymore."
Is it really as easy as that?
(Yes, I am the lenient parent who doesn't know how to do this...no bashing please!!!)

 

[minkydog]

No bashing from me, that's for sure! I have DS28 living with us while he goes to school and DD22 just graduated, so I imagine she will be back home for awhile, too. Since they have both been in school, we have been paying for quite a few things and I am looking forward to that situation ending as soon as possible.

It's quite different that when DH & I were coming up. We had no choice but get on our own feet. Neither of our parents could afford to help us. I guess that helped us, but I don't look back with rose-colored glasses. We had a very hard uphill slog and nothing came easy to us. We were gloriously in love, but that doesn't keep the lights on and buy the groceries. I told my DH then that if we ever had kids, I would do whatever I could to give them a leg up. Thankfully, we have been able to help them and I don't regret it.

 

[bsblady01]

I have been on my own since I was 18 they only paid for college I paid for my car and anything else I wanted to do. I got married and had a baby when I was 20.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

In my house, as kids, you go to school or you go to work. As parents, if the former, you help with bills. If the latter, you don't. It was pretty cut & dried.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How did you break them off financially?
We are getting tired of paying for things for our kids...and we're wondering how others made the break.
Not that our kids don't pay for ANYTHING of their own, and their circumstances are all different, so I don't know if we just pick an age and say "When you turn xx we are not paying for your yy anymore."
Is it really as easy as that?
(Yes, I am the lenient parent who doesn't know how to do this...no bashing please!!!)

24yo dd is on our health insurance, no dental or vision as that is OOP. She has health issues so we do help her out with meds and bills from time to time. She does have aid from the hospital she goes to, although she did get another job so I wonder if that is going to change?

DH helps keep her car on the road, he fixes them and we help her with car insurance and her phone.

She is moved out for a year and a half.

So hopefully with this new job she can take can take of some stuff? Hmmmm...

Basically we sit with her and discuss finances, ability to pay, and paychecks, rent, etc..

My older dd is graduated from HS and off to college. I was speaking with her today how we would help her.

You just have to be open and your SO has to be on board as well. So if you have a SO then I would discuss it with them first and then talk to the kid(s), preferably together.

 

[usnuzuloose]

This is what parenting is about is getting them ready for the responsibilities in life. They need to be taught how to handle money and save money. That way they do not expect us to sit around and pay for everything. We could not afford to buy them cars and things like that. If they wanted it when they were old enough they had to earn it.

 

[LBIJim]

In my house you go to school or you go to work. If the former, you help with bills. If the latter, you don't. It was pretty cut & dried.

Are you sure you meant that the way you typed it?

I guess we gradually started weaning them off our support while they were in college. By then, they had to pay for their own car insurance (still on our policy until 25, but they paid whatever their portion was.) Also each year they were responsible for an increasing percentage of their clothes, personal items, cell phone, vacation/going out expenses, etc. Heath insurance was paid until they obtained their own thru their jobs.

Older DD moved back home after college and paid a token rent at first, then a larger amount. She moved out about 2 years ago when she was 27. Younger DD stayed in Florida after college. We helped with her rent for a year or so, but she's pretty much on her own. But I know DW sneaks money to her occasionally.

I won't let them starve or default on what's left of their student loans, but they're responsible for their own finances now.

 

[PigletsPal2]

No bashing from me either. Salaries are quite a bit lower here in Florida than they are in the metro Washington DC area, from where DDs moved. They both took substantial pay cuts to move down here so that DGD could be closer to us. We lived overseas from the time she was born until she was 12, so we missed some important years in her life. Also, DH and I are getting older, our health is deteriorating, and DDs have been an enormous help to us in the ten years they've been here. But they're just now reaching the salaries they left in DC. We let them use extra cars that we had, so they had no car or insurance payments, and we bought DGD a car when she was a senior in high school. We paid the insurance on that car, too.

This past week, DD#2 said she was now in a position to buy "her" car from us and take over the insurance for both that car and one other car that we call "the spare." Rufus is driven whenever one of the other cars is in the shop for anything. We're not going to ask her to pay for either car, we'll gift them; that way she won't have to pay sales tax in addition to the exorbitant DMV fees to register cars. Both cars have been paid off for many years, so she won't have any car payments. DD#1 says she'll be able to take over the registration and insurance for "her" car and DGD's in the fall. We'll gift these to her as well.

They haven't asked us for help in any other way, but we know that they don't have the money to do a lot of things that they did when they lived in DC. DD#1 loves to go to concerts and the theater and she likes to give DGD little surprises from time to time. So we give her concert and theater tickets for her birthday, Christmas, and sometimes just because. We pay for DD#2's hotel when she goes to London, her only indulgence.

DH is working as a contractor with the government and he's paid very well, so for the time being, we're happy to do these things. DDs don't take them for granted and know it won't last forever. As far as I'm concerned, they easily make up for it with the things they do for me and for DH.

Queen Colleen

 

[LBIJim]

. We're not going to ask her to pay for either car, we'll gift them; that way she won't have to pay sales tax in addition to the exorbitant DMV fees to register cars.

Queen Colleen

We gifted a car to DD. Then about 6 months later, she got a bill saying she owed sales tax based on the current value of the car. This is in NJ. We paid the sales tax. Every time after that we filled out the bill of sale based on the value of the car, but didn't take any money. By that time they were able to pay the sales tax.

 

[PigletsPal2]

We gifted a car to DD. Then about 6 months later, she got a bill saying she owed sales tax based on the current value of the car. This is in NJ. We paid the sales tax. Every time after that we filled out the bill of sale based on the value of the car, but didn't take any money. By that time they were able to pay the sales tax.

I called FL DMV three different times and spoke to three different people. No sales tax on gifted vehicles. Just write "gift" in the sale price on the bill of sale. if they insist, we'll sell her the car for $1. She'll owe 7 cents tax.

Queen Colleen

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Are you sure you meant that the way you typed it?

I guess we gradually started weaning them off our support while they were in college. By then, they had to pay for their own car insurance (still on our policy until 25, but they paid whatever their portion was.) Also each year they were responsible for an increasing percentage of their clothes, personal items, cell phone, vacation/going out expenses, etc. Heath insurance was paid until they obtained their own thru their jobs.

Older DD moved back home after college and paid a token rent at first, then a larger amount. She moved out about 2 years ago when she was 27. Younger DD stayed in Florida after college. We helped with her rent for a year or so, but she's pretty much on her own. But I know DW sneaks money to her occasionally.

I won't let them starve or default on what's left of their student loans, but they're responsible for their own finances now.

Well "you" transitioned from the kids to the parents there, but I did a pretty sloppy job on that LOL

 

[Andtototoo]

I believe we have been very generous with our daughter. We have paid for college, a car, her cell phone, her cell phone plan, her car insurance, and her registration. I want to make clear that she has also worked very hard since her 14th birthday when she started her first real job. She is also an A student, on the Dean's List at college, serves as a RA while holding down another job. Her work ethic is one reason we have been happy to help her out.

We have also made it clear from the time she was about 12 or so that:
1. Any leftover college fund money is hers upon graduation and
2. That will be IT for monies from us.

Therefore, she knows and has for a while that when she graduates, she will be on her own. This knowledge impelled her to work throughout high school and college, to seek out the RA position (that pays for room and board plus a stipend) -- she knows that every dollar she saves/earns will help pay for life after the parental wallet closes.

She also knows that if an actual emergency occurred, we would help her out, but she expects that she will be responsible for cell phone, car insurance, etc when she graduates. (Of course, we will keep her on our health insurance if necessary.)

 

[ronandannette]

Honestly, we're feeling out way through this with DS as DH and I come from extremely different backgrounds in this regard and we don't want to do it exactly like either set of our parents did. My DDad indulged me way after I should have been independent, and I never picked up the discipline of budgeting and saving towards financial goals. I worked and spent my salary on necessities while always relying on Daddy to make hefty "donations" for extras I wanted (travel, new furniture, jewelery, downpayments for cars, etc.). This continued even after I was married and it was really only since he died 14 years ago that I (and my DH) have been 100% independent.

DH on the other hand was basically "orphaned" at 17 when his parents divorced and he and his siblings were expected to fend for themselves. He was just finishing highschool and ended up really struggling for 5 years or so. He survived, and eventually thrived, but not everything he went through was a positive learning experience, if you know what I mean.

What we want for DS (18) is for him to learn the lessons but without any suffering just for it's own sake. We've started by gradually stopping providing for his wants, although we do house and feed him. Since highschool he's been required to have a part-time job for pocket money. He graduated last spring and now he's also responsible for his phone and all but the very most basic of clothes. He "almost" has a driver's license and when he gets it he will "inherit" a car but must have the money to pay for insurance and keep it on the road before he'll ever get to drive it. He doesn't make a lot of money so he's learning to prioritize his spending - he can buy anything he wants with his money as long as he realizes it will be at the expense of something else. We think that's a good start for now.

 

[Motherofcats8]

We didn't have to... she has always been independent, making her own money, and she married when she was 19 and is now 21 and they own a house. I think we got REALLY lucky!

 

[disykat]

Our kids have done it pretty naturally during college. We've been paying their tuition and giving them some money towards rent/food. They've gradually taken over other stuff. For example, during school breaks when they are home I might ask if anyone needs new shoes etc. My son who is almost graduating no longer takes me up on it.

When he graduates, we plan to keep him on our phone plan until the commitment runs out but that's about it. He already has the money saved to take care of moving etc. and already has a job lined up. The rent money that we put in his account automatically each month is already set to end as of June.

Our younger son is not getting a tech degree so his dependence on us might last a little longer. He is already saving for when he graduates and has a job that he works summers that he could work at after graduation and live at home if needed until he gets started. He is also saving money towards when his rent stops being paid by us.

I remember in college doing the same thing - taking less and less money from my parents because I WANTED to be independent. My boys have done it pretty naturally because financial independence is their goal.

 

[njmom47]

Thank you all for your support.
I saved most of their birthday/holiday money growing up so they each had about $2500 to buy their first car.
I guess we have come close to "wants" vs "needs" where we pay for needs....example if their car needs major repair work, dr's visit, etc.
The younger two are on my health insurance....the oldest is on State assistance (long story and I'm not proud of it, but at the time, that was the only way she and dgd could survive).
DD#2 works, pays her own car payment, buys her own clothing, and pay for her fun (traveling, going to music festivals, etc) but we pay her insurance (costly, because we have collision, but there's about 10 payments left, plus she is deciding whether to move out of state, in which case she knows she will have to pay her own insurance) and cell phone bill (she's grandfathered in $30 unlimited, no biggie really). She does give me money from time to time.
DS is a college student, has worked the last 3 summers and has actually put money towards his tuition, which dh and I helped with. I am making him save from his summer job, because I supported him last school year (his pocket money). My bank account is linked with his, and I will be transferring money out of his account into a savings account. He knows this, and is ok with it.
They do need to learn budgeting, and I remember feeling proud of my own independence when I was their age too.

 

[Art 1]

How did you break them off financially?
We are getting tired of paying for things for our kids...and we're wondering how others made the break.
Not that our kids don't pay for ANYTHING of their own, and their circumstances are all different, so I don't know if we just pick an age and say "When you turn xx we are not paying for your yy anymore."
Is it really as easy as that?
(Yes, I am the lenient parent who doesn't know how to do this...no bashing please!!!)

I guess it starts when they are young. You instill getting a good education in a timely fashion, choosing a good major and getting a good job. I didn't find it that difficult.

 

[elgerber]

Not sure I am doing it the right way or not LOL. DS is 22, has a 2 year degree, and works fulltime. He lost a job a few months ago and started a new contract job, that we hope will turn permanent. He pays his own insurance, data portion of the cell phone bill, car/insurance/gas, any food outside of the house, anythings he buys for himself etc. We do not charge him rent at the moment. He is very good at saving though, he has a fairly good chunk of change in the bank. I am not in a huge hurry for him to move out, and quite frankly, with no good friends to live with, it would be hard to pay a rent payment and bills on his own right now. He is in IT, so hopefully if this job goes permanent he can work his way up with a decent salary and then live on his own. I don't think he is irresponsible at all with his money though.
He also bought his own plane ticket to travel to Germany this summer, with dh.

 

[smiths02]

I don't have kids that age yet, but my feeling is that we will support our kids through college and then 6 months after that or if they don't do college/trade school, then 6 months. I will pay medical insurance as long as they needed it, though.
We might give them a head start like his parents did us (a decent used car), but not pay their actual bills, and I would charge them rent if they stayed with us (I might give a portion of it back when they moved out, but I would charge it).
Obviously, if there were an emergency, we would help as we could so they didn't starve or lose medical treatment.

I would also hope that we could be generous like my DH's parents have. (My mom can't give anything) Like they gave us some money when we got married or when we had our first son. But they don't actually pay our bills. They didn't pay any bill except DH's car insurance. After college, they didn't pay anything. DH and I were married shortly after he finished college.

 

[Pugsly]

DS earned and saved money working on my parents ranch beginning at age 11 or so and paid a pretty large amount for his first vehicle. I took care of his first 2 1/2 years of college (raised him as a single parent) and he took out student loans for the rest.

He took his dear sweet time getting out of school.

I kept him on my health insurance until he turned 26, which closely coincided with when his own insurance (with his first job) kicked in. We also took care of his moving expenses and one year worth of something else (car insurance maybe? Can't remember) after he graduated. Everything else is his to take care of.