Need some motherly advice please

[alisonbestford]

Definitely talk to her doctor. You may want to ask him to send her to a psychologist as well.

My first instict here was , heck, she's only 6 but, and it's a big BUT, I have O/C disorder which I've learnt to deal with over the years .

I'm now 42 but it has taken me many years and still it can sometimes take me half an hour to actually shut up the house at night if I'm feeling under stress about something!
I too am a nurse and, like Rachael's DF, can't help doing things even when I know they're silly

When I was a child someone suggested to my parents that I talk to a psychologist but Mum was always for ignoring things and hoping they'd go away
Of course things are much better understood now a days but,
I don't know, maybe if she'd listened, and acted, I'd have spent less time worrying and more time enjoying myself
I don't know.
Think I'd give the Bandaids and rewarding behaviour a good shot before going down the route of Doctor and Psychologist but everyone's different
Alison

 

[Forevryoung]

I have severe OCD- I used to rub my hands (thumb rubbing thumb) when I was anxious. I never did it on purpose but my thumbs would become raw and red. To break it I always (and have for nearly 8 years) carry hand lotion with me. If my parents/sister/boyfriend/good friend see me doing it too much they give me a hand massage to calm me down. I tried that and I tried sitting on them or putting them on top of the table or desk. I still do that sometimes. If it becomes a habit to sit on your hands or to put your hands flat on the table then you wont pick at them so much.

Please please please please dont take things away from her that she enjoys. Eliminating the good things in her life will make her more upset. She doesn't do it on purpose and taking things away from her wont remind her not to do it. Try a sticker chart. Make it small enough that she can carry it around with her. For every hour she doesnt do it (or half hour at first) she gets a sticker. When she has x amount of stickers you take her out someplace special or maybe do a mother daughter manicure day- that would definitely be rewarding.

 

[gshanny]

I used to do that. Once in a while I catch myself doing it. I used to pull on my ear lobes. The ears were a nervous thing. I hated school and being called on and I think that contributed to that. I couldn't eat because I would get sick at school. I was a good student, just hated having people look at me when called on. I would pick at the fingers or tear off my nails. I never chewed them. Once in a while I would go into the quick, ouch.
I would try to stop and catch myself doing it without realizing it. I doubt she will be able to quit just by being told to. Like others said, try getting her to find other things to do. I took up cross stitch. It kept my hands busy and like I said I pretty much outgrew it. I have neat projects I did too.

 

[punkin]

Cross stich is a great idea. Crocheting or kniting might also work.

 

[Ozymoe]

Are her fingertips chapped? If there is even one rough "scrap" of skin, that's enough to get started peeling. Then the peeling acquires a life of its own. You and she together might look over her hands and see where they are rough (any litttle loose piece). Then take a nail clippers and carefully clip the piece down level with the rest of her skin. It will feel smooth and she might not want to pick at it then. If this is the case, and clipping the loose pieces works, encourage her to come to you immediately when she has a rough spot so you can fix it.

 

[geetey]

My daughter has a learning disability and when she is working hard, she has this nervous energy. The doctor and therapists have recommended she have something to hold in her hands to help relieve the stress. Sometimes it is a very small squishy ball, sometimes it is a rubber wristband. "Playing" with something actually helps her focus and she has stopped biting her nails. Maybe something like that would work for your daughter.

 

[Yardbird]

I'm just going to say what others already have, please don't punish her in any way for this. It is not her fault, and punishment is not going to help. I would suggest you speak to her Dr. about a referral. Good luck.

 

[mickeyluv'r]

I agree that punishment is NOT the way to go. In addition to the tips others have given, I would consider asking family members about this. It may very well be that someone else in the family has a nervous habit of some kind (though they may not realize it.) The best thing to do, aside from getting professional help, is find out the things that are causing her stress, and to try to control her stress level, or to teach her ways to cope better with stress. Ultimately though, there may be little that can be done to eliminate this completely - but she CAN learn to mange it. It is possible, if the damage/bleeding is bad enough, that some type of behavior modification meds might help, but I would not say that this should be a first course of action to consider.
Things that help:
1. Healthy nutrition and enough rest are very important. If your daughter isn't getting enough vitamins and/or enough rest, these can be factors. Your daughter may need a little extra rest, and be certain that she gets enough calcium in her diet. I have chewed my nails and cuticles for all of my life. Improving my diet really helped. I'm not just talking about taking vitamins, but actually eating fresh veggies, drinking milk, and eating more protein (eggs are an inexpensive, quality source of protein). This is something no doctor ever told me!
2. Physical contact with another person helps! Hug your daughter frequently. Isolation tends to make nervous conditions worse.
3. Your daughter should be able, over time, to learn ways to mentally help herself. Keeping busy with positive hobbies can help - like sports, acting, writing, crafts, etc. Exercise definitely helps!!!!!!
4. The time of year also matters, for me. For some reason, the condition is worse for me in the winter, when my nails are dryer. Getting a manicure helps. Having the fake nails also helped me too, but i also gave them up after a while.
On the downside, it is likely that this is a condition which will plague her for all of her life. It is likely that she will have good times, and bad times. Don't be surpirsd if she has other symptoms over time as well.
5. Give her unconditional love, and don't ever put her down for her condition. Encourage her to share her feelings with you - without you bringing up her condition. Let her be the one to bring it into the discussion. People with nervous conditions tend to hide them for fear of being called weird. As you can see from the number of posts though, these conditions are actually quite common!
6. Last, I hate to say it, but do look to yourself. This is very hard to do. As her mother, you are a BIG influence in her life. I'm not saying her condition is anyone's fault, but If there is a lot of stress in your life, some of that could be rubbing off on your daughter. If you have recently gone through a divorce, or if you frequently yell or use punishment with your daughter, these could be factors. Many parents put things onto their kids with out realizing it. It is much better to praise the things your daughter does well than to criticise the things she does wrong.

I really do hope that your daughter gets better!

 

[Corryn]

One of my friends' daughters used to pull out her hair. She would walk around with huge bald spots on her head and look like a real mess. My girlfriend is a nurse and right away knew it was a problem that had to be dealt with. She asked some of her doctor friends (different types of doctors, she works in a hospital) and co-workers. They suggested that she shave her daughter's head (I think she was 4 and not yet in kindergarten), so she did shave all her hair off. This happened in the late winter, early spring. I think she kept it shaved for 4 months and by that time she "grew out of it" and stopped touching her head. She started kindergarten with a short hair-do and now she is 8 and has a beautiful head of hair.
My girlfriend is married and her husband is a workaholic but she is a great mother and provides her girls with a very stable homelife. She is also great with her finances and does well for herself, but every one has different stress factors. I've seen her under pressure (I've known her 13 years) and never seen her flip out. She has a problem with her voice so she is physically unable to yell. Her kids are also good kids that listen when she talks. I do not think it was anything that she did or didn't do as a mother.

You should take your daughter to a regular physician and let him recommend the appropriate doctor for your daughter.

God bless her and you and good luck

"Playing" with something actually helps her focus

Holy cow - Whenever I am nervous or trying to concentrate on something, I HAVE to have something in my hand to fidgit! I always said to myself that I have to keep my hands occupied while my brain tries to work. Every day at work I have to have a pencil in my hand or my hands need something to do in order for me to concentrate on my work. I'm sure my students just think I have adult ADD or something
I guess that also applies to us crazy ladies who, when they are stressed out or trying to figure something out, we have to clean. That is my way of "thinking".

These boards are great. They really cause you to think!

 

[alisonbestford]

One of my friends' daughters used to pull out her hair. She would walk around with huge bald spots on her head and look like a real mess. .......and by that time she "grew out of it" and stopped touching her head. She started kindergarten with a short hair-do and now she is 8 and has a beautiful head of hair.

This was like my DD. Some children, like adults, are more nervous than others and most nervous habits have absolutely nothing to do with good or bad parenting skills

Alison

 

[JealousTinkerbell]

Kids eh
We saw 'big kids' - about 14 / 15 years old - at the skating rink today with dummies (soothers). DD was amazed but said that they must still need them because they were worrying about something!
I think it's the latest fashion accessory here in the UK - strange
Good luck.
Alison

I remember when about 7-8 years ago this was a BIG trend in Toronto.Canada...I never understood it but a lot of my friends would have them....but I digress


My cousin used to peel her fingers and her mom got her a pair of thin cotton like material gloves to wear. She made her wear them most of the time and after about 2 or 3 weeks she had cut down on the motion and so she would only wear the gloves around the house (unless mom noticed her doing it) and she no longer peels at all...

I am a nail biter and I also peel the skin around my nails....Cant break the habit but it isn't as severe...Also even less severe I HAVE to tilt my head to the right or left when i am concentrating....I used to get in trouble at school for "spacing out" and not paying attention when really I was just concentrating...Mom came in and solved that problem.

Mom's are the greatest!

 

[dkrause716]

You don't say how old DD is but I would certainly try to find out if something is going on at school or with friends. I'm a teacher and a mom and I wouldn't punish her. That could just upset her further. In fact, being involved in an activity she loves could really help with confidence, etc. The gloves and band aids are good ideas but I would try to get to the root of the problem. Maybe consult with the school guidance counselor or nurse.

Good luck!

 

[NickandLivvysmom]

Are her fingertips chapped? If there is even one rough "scrap" of skin, that's enough to get started peeling. Then the peeling acquires a life of its own. You and she together might look over her hands and see where they are rough (any litttle loose piece). Then take a nail clippers and carefully clip the piece down level with the rest of her skin. It will feel smooth and she might not want to pick at it then. If this is the case, and clipping the loose pieces works, encourage her to come to you immediately when she has a rough spot so you can fix it.

Wow!! My husband is a picker- He does it when he's bored, nervous, or when there is any rough or loose pieces. He does clip them with clippers and I thought that was the same as picking them till I read your post!!! I notice his sister is a picker too!! We have been married 10 years and I fianlly realized that he does not choose to do this. I mean- why would you want to walk around with crappy looking hands?

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

I'm a nail biter too and have been all my life. It's not anything stress related, it's just a habit. Mostly I don't notice until I say something to my kids about biting their nails and I'm sitting there biting mine If I do things with my hands I'm less prone to do it. I usually cross stitch or knit. See if you can either teach her to knit, crochet, or quilt, or find someone who can. Your local craft store can probably point you in the right direction. Hopefully redirecting her focus can help her break the habit. Also try taking her to the salon once a month for a manicure or do it yourself(girls night out or in) this may also help if there are problems at school or with friends. She may be more open to talk. My friend did the manicure with her daughter to get her to stop biting her nails and picking her skin, of course it helped that she was really girlie. I however was not so short nails didn't bother me. Unfortunately the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break.

 

[kandeebunny]

I'm guilty of it too, my DR actually got me putty (mine is therapy putty because I have muscle problems but you can use silly putty with DD) to occupy my hands. Now I bite my lip and chew through it, but that's easy to fix with chewing gum.

Good luck!

 

[Lorix2]

I've done this on and off all of my life. It's habit just like biting you're nails really, even though some might feel it's a form of self punishment.

I don't think counseling would do a darn thing and neither would punishment.

Also, putting bandaids all over her finger tips will only make the open skin much sorer than it usually is. You know when you stay in the water too long you get pruny and wrinkly? Well, that would happen but it would hurt. I couldn't do dishes or keep my hands in water for a long time because it would just aggravate me.

Hopefully she'll get bored with that and when her fingers get real raw, remind her she's open to infection and pain, this may help.

If you don't make a huge deal over it, she might stop on her own. I'm not saying you are, but like someone else mentioned, just a gentle reminder now and then will help.

 

[CheapMom]

I agree- please don't punish her. She is not trying to be bad. Call her pediatrician.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I've found with my dd's habits and mine that if I just find something less self-destructive to do it will occupy us enough that we stop doing it, like she chews her hair and I used to, also, so I started chewing gum instead. I would try giving her something else to do with her fingers like squeezing one of those stress balls (I think you can get them on keychains) or play-doh, something along those lines to keep her hands busy, if she has something in them to mess with she may leave her skin alone.

 

[alisonbestford]

Also, putting bandaids all over her finger tips will only make the open skin much sorer than it usually is.

Ouch, yes, hadn't thought on that one

 

[eeyore45]

I'm with the group, please dont punish her, and dont threaten to take DW away unless you will follow thru on it - I know that was hard for us dd was acting out so horribly it was tempting, but I finally told her I loved her no matter how naughty she was, and that we'd go to Disney... but.... and then we went into consequences, but it was her behavior, not a "habit"

Count me in on the school group. We had 2 kids that pulled out their hair, again, I know this has a documented name, and what I learned is you need to replace a habit for her... so if she is a picker, maybe she'll wear a rubber band or a bracelet, at home, if you can find something for her to "pick at", I have to say those bubble wraps are really entertaining for kids, but probably not practical, the bandaids probably wont work, but she may be able to "pick it" but please dont get in a power struggle with her over the band aids...

good luck, and do ask your pediatrician for help or advice...