Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

[undertheradar]

Give what you can afford and don't make excuses about it! Group gifts are a pain because not everyone has the same disposable income. If others have more, let them contribute the difference. No party is worth all of the stress and possible hardship to anyone.

 

[Pigeon]

I have been on the receiving end of this kind of crap before and it infuriates me. In this case, I would probably contribute the $200 if there were any way I could. But I would also make it crystal clear to the rest of the family (actually have H make it clear, as it is his sister) that you do not appreciate this kind of thing and will not participate in the future if they should plan an event like this without consulting you.

My SIL booked a week's vacation for the entire extended family on Nantuckett for my IL's anniversary. At the time, I got two weeks of vacation a year, and under no circumstances would I spend one of them with dh's extended family trapped on an island. We ended up having to contribute $1000 to subsidized SIL's little vacation. We've barely been on speaking terms since.

Why is it that people feel it's OK to be so free with someone else's money and time?

 

[wide awake]

In this one case I'd give them the $200...this is the first time this has happened isn't it ? If so it probably won't come up again. I know how you feel, my SIL has done things like order Mother's rings w/o talking to her siblings, then expecting everyone to pay their share...she got a lesson when she didn't get a dime from us...but it actually took another couple examples till she realized we wouldn't do/pay anything unless we were asked first.

 

[simpilotswife]

You're being cheap. Maybe the reason that you weren't included in the planning process is because they knew that you wouldn't want to go all out.

 

[disneyxo]

The proper thing for her to have done is to contacted everybody first explained that Mom wanted the party. Then asked how much people felt comfortable contributing. The party should have been based on that amount vs just telling everybody what they owed. I really don't think any Mom wants their children to struggle financially just to have a party planned for them.

 

[Disneydreaming6]

I can understand where you are coming from. I too had this happen to me but with inlaws 50th. At the time I was on a very tight budget due to loosing my job. I got a call from my sil telling me that they were planning a party for parents, the party was in 2 weeks and our portion was 800.00, and oh do you think I could make them a cake and do some kind of center piece for all the tables, oh and we need favors can you handle that too? Now, I have no problem with paying our share, but to give you 2 weeks notice, when they had planned this for months and didn't bother telling me or dh I think was very rude, instead of having to come up with it all at once I could of been putting money aside for it. So it has nothing to do with being cheap, I have no problem helping out. But don't plan a party without letting us know then expect us to pay. I did have a good laugh, when it was all over and you sat back and watched the blame game begin. They forgot to invite the parents best friends of over 60 yrs. They had the theme in silver, forgot to hire the dj.

 

[gottaluvdis]

I think you're getting off cheap....you're lucky there are so many people who can chip in. We're throwing my in-laws a 50th wedding anniversary party in October which we'll foot the bill for 100%....to the tune of 5-6K. It's like a mini-wedding pretty much. We know not to even bother asking DH's brother and his wife because they'll say that they don't have it.

I hear ya! My In-laws 50th is next year, along with MIL's 75th b-day and FIL's 80th b-day, all the same year. DH is an only child, so we're planning and paying for everything. We're planning to do one large party to celebrate everything since we live 1500 miles from each other. We're glad to do it as they've done so much for us and DD. I feel honored to be able to do this for them. That being said, at least we have control over the party. I think the OP should pay the $200, but it was wrong of the SIL to plan the party and hand them the bill without letting them have input.

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

If the $200 is going to be difficult for you to contribute, maybe you can ask the person doing the planning to go over some of the details with you to look for areas you might be able to help with providing services vs. dollars. Can you make the invitations yourself, or perhaps help with some of the food prep.? Things like that might provide opportunities for you to pitch in without any financial obligation.

 

[canwegosoon]

All those who say $200 isn't much. Unless you have access to her personal financial records--you have no idea if that is much or not.

I disagree with paying that much if it isn't affordable. Contribute what you can and if that is nothing--that is fine. (Though a few dollars would be better than $0--people tend to talk even though they have no place to do so).

ITA..Is this party set in stone?...If the Goal is have a Party for Mom: but could it be done in a way that might fit in your budget too? Instead of having a catered affair or a sit down somewhere, could you plan a pot luck barbaque? Could one of the other family members donate their house(or get a space at the town park), and have everyon be responsible for a part of it...but when decisions are made unilaterally without regaurd to people's finances it becomes an akward situation.

I have a sister who loves to go over the top for my parents gifts eg-lets get them a w/d set for their anniversary(even though she is on the verge of bankrupt herself-where we(the loaded ones-are very careful with our money) don't give up 200.00 easily.

If the party is set- I guess you have to go along with it- Have a yard sale or do something to minimize the impact to your budget.

 

[Becky2005]

They forgot to invite the parents best friends of over 60 yrs.

Oops! I find this funny but to this day the most hilarious thing is *I* didn't get invited to one of my mom's surprise birthday parties. It was a total oversight - even my DAD knew about the party and he thought someone else had invited me, someone else thought the other person invited me, etc... Basically everyone thought I knew about it because they thought "someone else" had told me! They were all wondering why I showed up on her birthday, got her some flowers and made a bigger deal than usual (I believe it was her 50th birthday). They thought I was doing it as a cover up for the surprise party! I found out about it AFTER it happened - that's when everyone realized no one invited me! My mom called me and asked me about the party and I had no idea what she was talking about.

It's still a running joke in my family... I honestly didn't think anything too odd because although we tend to have surprise parties for the big birthdays - it's not always necessarily when the birthday's are. We just had a 70th one for my dad & my aunt...his birthday is in March, hers is in February and we just had their party yesterday.

I don't think the $200 is too bad. I know I didn't have to pitch in for this party but I believe my mom said she paid about $300 for her part and it was just a small, in the basement of the church party with some small catered food (fried chicken, ham, etc..) really nothing over the top. There are only 3 of them though that split the cost.

 

[cats mom]

With OP's figures of $200 x 9 that comes to $1,800

Are you sure they're not cutting you a break already?

We did an 80th B-day party for FIL last year and I can tell you it was WAAY more than that! We kept the guest list fairly small too.
We only had a three way split and it was A LOT of work.

Since the party is not until Sept. I'd think there is still plenty of time to jump in and get involved with the planning/details.

If you really can't afford the $200 I'd be upfront with that and maybe you could offer to help out some other way.

We used our vacation money for the one we threw last year - but don't regret it a bit. FIL LOVED it and still talks about it every time we see him.

 

[The Disney Bunch]

While I think celebrating your MIL's life is great - I think that you should also have input in what is being done- To be told what is being planned & what your part is in it is not nice. Also - if circumstances are difficult for one member of the family, then that should also be taken into account. Why can't the party be toned down so it was affordable or someone else kick in some extra?
My dh's siblings were planning a big anniversary party one year for his folks & we got handed the bill without being consulted. We refused - the party ended up being cancelled & his brother told us it was all out fault- it turned out tow of his sisters also refused because they couldn't afford it. I told BIL that if he wanted this aprty so bad - he could pay for the whole thing- he just ignored me on this.

Yous SIL should have checked with everyone first to see who had what ideas instead of taking it over by herself (even if it for her mother).

 

[cinamin27]

I dont necessarily think that its tacky, you did not mention if the total party cost $1800 or if $200 is your share & the other siblings are chipping in more. do you know for certain that your hubby wasnt consulted about this before & he didnt just tell them "let us know what our share is?" if not, maybe you were not consulted because they knew it was going to cost quite a bit of money to throw the party & did not want to make you look bad if you could not afford what they are paying or did not want to make you feel guilty for knowingly paying less?

posters here have jumped to conclusions but there is a lot of ways to look at the situation & its hard to lay blame anywhere because we only know a part of the story, the part that the OP provided. I also think it is unfair to ask someone to "tone down" a party if 8 out of 9 people could afford to throw a big party, why should they have to do something cheap if they can afford something bigger?

if her party is in September, then you have about 20 weeks to save if the family is willing to let you pay your portion just before the party. at 20 weeks, that is only saving $10 per week & I bet you can do it. or maybe pay someone each week the $10 or if you are paid bi weekly, then pay someone $20 each payday? I do not know your personal financial situation but with a 30,000 mortgage, I'd be willing to bet your mortgage cost are quite low. There's gotta be somewhere that you can squeeze $10 a week out of......

 

[grlpwrd]

We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us that his mom's 80th b-day is this Sept and they are planning a big party with all her friends & relatives, the cost is being split between the 9 kids and our share is $200. I could kind of tell from H's side of the phone conversation what was going on but he kept telling me he'd tell me about it when he hung up so I said "she better not be planning some big thing then handing us a bill" which she heard (good cause she needed to hear that )

I think this is very tacky to plan it without our input then tell us what we owe. All his siblings make good money and live in expensive houses, our house cost us under $30,000 and after living here over 12 yrs we're finally able to start fixing it up a little at a time so $200 is a big deal to us. The sister did ask the mom what she wanted for this milestone b-day and the party is what she said she wanted. Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

Calie

Yes, I think we're only hearing one side of the situation and I get the vibe that there's a lot of issues between the SIL/family and the OP.

I was just curious and peeked at some older posts by the OP. Apparently, she is sending her dd to overnight camp, has different ING accounts, flew to FL, and spent $$$ on different WDW dining experiences. Sure doesn't sound like they are really strapped for cash.

I can understand the principle of it all and that there may be issues, but an 80yo woman shouldn't be "punished" for it. Celebrate her life!

 

[disneymom3]

I would be a lot more ticked at the fact that it sounds like they planned the party with no other input from you than telling you how much you owed. DSIL did this a few years ago. She made a scrapbook for ILs (her parents) that was supposedly from all of us. She did all the work and in that deserved all the credit. I had NO problem with that at all. What I did have a problem with was being presented a bill for $50 for our "Share" of the costs of putting together the album with not a word being mentioned that it was technically from all three siblings. It was something she wanted to do, it was totally up to her how much she spent and all the "glory" went 100% to her. I do think it's great that she did it and spent all that time and I sure didn't want to, but then to help foot the bill for what was essentially her gift was really irritating.

This same sister of DHs does things like plan big parties and talk to us about how much we will need to contribute. (Just like the OP.) One of the years it was while DH was unemployed. We were borrowing money from my mom to make the house payment every month and then to be asked for whatever it was to help pay for a party just totally put me over the edge. I had to let DH talk to her cause I would have not been nice. So, OP I know what you mean--it's very frustrating and irritating!

 

[planning06]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I do not think the point is the amount you were asked to pay. The point was you were never asked for input, you were simply told THIS is what we are doing is THIS is the amount you have to pay. I would be ticked as well, regardless the amount of money that was requested. I've taken part in a couple of family parties. Each time it was something that was discussed before hand with approximate details, approximate cost, etc. I think it is presumptuous to do otherwise.

 

[CinRell]

I'm surprised how many people are saying "just pitch in and stop complaining".. for some people $200 is a LOT of money. If someone suddenly told me I owed $200 for something I knew NOTHING of when I am on such a tight budget and stressing over money daily I'd be FLOORED. I think to plan something and then just give you a bill is tacky for sure! Plus I assume a personal present on top of that right?

If sis had gotten together with everyone adn worked out the budget, shared suggestions, had everyone agree I could understand but if anyone called me and said "hey I planned something but need you to pay a couple hundred for it" I'd be livid.. not to mention my ulcer would go crazy. $200 is a ton of money to me right now.

I feel for you. I think this was very very rude to assume you can pay that amount.

 

[dvcgirl]

I hear ya! My In-laws 50th is next year, along with MIL's 75th b-day and FIL's 80th b-day, all the same year. DH is an only child, so we're planning and paying for everything. We're planning to do one large party to celebrate everything since we live 1500 miles from each other. We're glad to do it as they've done so much for us and DD. I feel honored to be able to do this for them. That being said, at least we have control over the party. I think the OP should pay the $200, but it was wrong of the SIL to plan the party and hand them the bill without letting them have input.

Same thing here....we're about 1200 miles away. As for the OP not having input, well, try planning a party with nine different parties contributing thoughts and ideas....man, that would really be tough! I've thrown all sorts of parties, lots of bridal and baby showers and any more than 3 or 4 people involved in the planning turns into a nightmare. Too many chefs in the kitchen. We feel honored to be able to do this as well. We asked them what they'd like for their 50th...a nice big party or a nice vacation of some sort....they chose the party. I'm also glad that we have control...I'm convinced that my BIL and wife couldn't possibly throw a party. They never had any of us over for any holiday, BBQ...kid's BDs...ever. Everything was always at my MIL's house. They just don't know how to entertain....actually, they don't even know how to invite people .

 

[dvcgirl]

With OP's figures of $200 x 9 that comes to $1,800

Are you sure they're not cutting you a break already?

We did an 80th B-day party for FIL last year and I can tell you it was WAAY more than that! We kept the guest list fairly small too.
We only had a three way split and it was A LOT of work.

Since the party is not until Sept. I'd think there is still plenty of time to jump in and get involved with the planning/details.

If you really can't afford the $200 I'd be upfront with that and maybe you could offer to help out some other way.

We used our vacation money for the one we threw last year - but don't regret it a bit. FIL LOVED it and still talks about it every time we see him.

I agree....$1,800 really is not a lot of money for a large party. Even having 75-100 people at my home for a party where we were going to feed them...it would be tough to do it for that amount with all the trimmings (and there wouldn't be a lot of trimmings for that number).

I guess I also don't understand how a one time $200 contribution to a party is really making or breaking anyone here, especially with five full months to save for it. If I didn't have a $40 cushion built into my monthly budget I'd start wondering what the heck I was doing with a computer, with on-line access, surfing a website primarily devoted to planning a trip to Walt Disney World.

 

[kizmac]

Well, here's my opinion, since you asked.......
It's for his mother, the woman that gave him life and raised him. I think spending $200 toward a celebration of the womans 80th b-day which is a big deal IMO, no matter what your income or budget is money well spent. Also, I don't see it as tacky for the sister to plan the party and tell you about what you'd have to pitch in for it. This is normally how it is done. My grandfather just had his 80th and the 4 siblings all pitched in even though my dad's sisters did all the planning. Men usually could care less about being involved in party planning. Besides, it's not till September and I'd be willing to bet there is still a lot to be done that I'm sure they would welcome your help with if you wish to be involved. Plus there are 9 siblings...if everyone tried to have a say it would be a nightmare.

What I do see as tacky is the comment you made while DH was on the phone with SIL. Why did she "need" to hear that? I understand that they may appear better off financially, but having big houses and making good money doesn't always mean they aren't also on a tight budget. I just don't understand what she is doing wrong by planning a party that their mother expressed a desire for. She is giving you 5 months notice that it will cost $200. Instead of being nasty, I'm sure if you told the others about your situation and that you would need to budget for it that they would be fine with that. $200 over 5 months is only $40 a month.

It's such a shame to let something that should be a cause for celebration bring negative feelings between the family members. We all should be so lucky to celebrate 80 years with friends and family. I'd gladly put up $200 for my mom someday. Even if some home remodeling had to be put off for a little longer.