Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

[arminnie]

I have to admit what I did for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary 10 years ago. My sister is not good at planning anything and has no money. My brother cannot be bothered with any details - only wanted to show up but did volunteer to pay.

I planned it all long distance and did it up big time. Beautiful catered reception with fabulous flowers and a wedding cake in the afternoon for hundreds. A sitdown dinner and dance for immediate family (130 in our family) for that evening with open bar, etc. a Brunch on Sunday. I spared no expense whatsoever.

I know I spent over $10,000, but I also worked like a dog. Beautiful memory boards with pictures throughout their life. My mother told me it was the best day of her entire life. That made it all worth it.

Family came from all over the country. I have never regretted doing it as six weeks after this event my mother found out that her breast cancer had spread to the liver and lungs and was terminal. We also had 6 other relatives die within six months (several only in their 60s).

I sent my brother the bills for every single penny I spent. Which he paid without a whimper. I don't know what his wife thought. I don't discus this much but my brother is practically a billionaire (self made) so it was chicken feed to him (he'd only been married about a year so he'd made all of this money before he got married).

I have never seen my parents so happy. The memories are so fabulous that I think it would have been worthwhile if I'd had to borrow money to do this - and those of you who know me know how I feel about NOT borrowing money.

But that's all my story - totally irrelevant to the OP's situation.

As to the tacky vs. cheap - I think it was very tacky for the SIL to dictate what you should give, I did at least ask my brother about paying although I didn't tell him how much nor did he limit me.

But I do think it would be cheap not to do something special for such a special day. Only the OP can really decide what amount is appropriate. If $200 is really not feasible I would be upfront and just admit that to the SIL and offer to pay what you can.

There have been times in my life that I'd have been up the proverbial creek if someone had announced to me that I had to come up with $200.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't delegate my husbands time like that. I mean, I do in the sense that I am planning on going to Europe this year again (for my 40th birthday) and he's going with me. I am planning the dates and such out, but he knows he can opt out if he wants. (he doesn't want to, and I'm fitting things in that I know he'd like).

There are times when my dad says "bring your H" when I visit, but I never forced my ex-H or my new H to go. Each has been able to choose when to visit.

My father always insists on paying when I visit, though I do lose time from work and he always has me doing things for him when there. It's actually a bit of a hassle, but I love him and he's my father and who knows how long he (or any of us) have left.

Anyway...a couple of hundred dollars would be my pleasure to part with if there was something important for my family. A few thousand or more including airfare - I'd have to think about it. If it was a problem financially, I'd definitely say something.

Hi Denise,

I'll address this since it was in response to my post.

Technically, I'm not delegating DH's time since it's HIS parents. Unless, I am delegating his time by pushing him to do the right time and respect HIS parents' wishes and going to visit them and celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary this Christmas.

DH has the more limited vacation time. I am more flexible but I would be loathe to visit the in-laws without him.

As for DH visiting his parents without me, that would be nice but not realistic in our situation. My MIL has expressed her wishes that the WHOLE family which includes her children, their spouses and the numerous grandchildren to spend Christmas with her and at the same time have a party for her anniversary.

DH is welcome to visit his parents without me but he would have no desire to do so.

In terms of "family events," unless it was extenuating circumstances, my MIL & FIL would expect me (& the kids) to attend or it would REALLY offend them. Apparently, I married "INTO" their family when I married their son. After all, the kids and I now share their last name. In reality, their son is now closer to my parents and family and I am no way as close to them as they think or would like.

As for the financial aspect, everyone in the family is having to make the sacrifice. I can't say that we are worse or better off then DH's siblings. His brother makes more $$ than us but he has a house to support as well as 2 more kids than us. We have no house and therefore have less assets but have more disposable income to spend on this thing if necessary.

As I briefly mentioned, I doubt that my in-laws will really want or expect everyone to pay so much money out of pocket. They will probably "help" in a round about way. They just want the bragging rights to their firends and family and the universe, if possible, that their kids did something so special for them. That's just how they work.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I am reading these posts and really can't help but think, how selfish some of you people are. Not pointing at any one person, since I already responded to the OP and my opinion on what she should do, back on page 1, I believe, but some of these replys just have me shaking my head.

How much money and time did your mom and dad give up for you over the years? Just makes me wonder.

Maybe I'm closer to my family than the majority of these people on this board,and I guess some peoples priorities are just different. But some of these responses are just plain sad!

I've been flamed before and I'm ready again!

 

[plummer925]

I am reading these posts and really can't help but think, how selfish some of you people are. Not pointing at any one person, since I already responded to the OP and my opinion on what she should do, back on page 1, I believe, but some of these replys just have me shaking my head.

How much money and time did your mom and dad give up for you over the years? Just makes me wonder.

Maybe I'm closer to my family than the majority of these people on this board,and I guess some peoples priorities are just different. But some of these responses are just plain sad!

I've been flamed before and I'm ready again!

I 100% agree with you - and what's sad, is that it's not only this thread, but the entire DIS boards lately - people are rude and just plain MEAN lately...

 

[IwasatWDWforamonth]

My grandma's 80th b day party was pretty much free, with exception of home cooked food and a bakery cake and presents(my grandma still loved suprises).
The whole family was there it was a wonderful party. Im almost postive that my grandma enjoyed her party as much as any 1800 dollar party.

 

[Oreo Cookie]

I am reading these posts and really can't help but think, how selfish some of you people are. Not pointing at any one person, since I already responded to the OP and my opinion on what she should do, back on page 1, I believe, but some of these replys just have me shaking my head.

How much money and time did your mom and dad give up for you over the years? Just makes me wonder.

Maybe I'm closer to my family than the majority of these people on this board,and I guess some peoples priorities are just different. But some of these responses are just plain sad!

I've been flamed before and I'm ready again!

I agree with you 100%! My dad passed away when I was young (12) and my mom passed two years ago (I was 38) and I wish I could be planning their BD or anniversary parties, but life is so unexpected that you need to really enjoy your family now, because you just don't know what the future holds.

As for my inlaws, they treat me like a daughter and I have a wonderful relationship with them. I think having a good relationship is a two-way street and you have to work on it, and sometimes it may mean compromise, but in the end it is worth it.

I would do anything for my inlaws, and next year we will be planning a huge 50th wedding anniversary party.

Even if I wasn't close to them, they raised my husband, and he is a loving, caring, and wonderful man, which is a direct reflection of them and their values. I would do whatever I could to always keep a wonderful relationship for them, for my husband's sake. They are his parents, and they deserve to be respected and loved. I think we need to put more of an emphasis on family, and less emphasis of the so-called "sacrafices" we make to be with family.

 

[TnTWalter]

but that's water under the bridge.

That said, I have always consulted my brother before I purchased items or planned a trip for my folks. He has either offered to pay half, or said no or done 'what he could'. So one year, we split the cost of a gas grill for dad's 60th birthday, then we split the cost of diamond earrings for mom's 60th. I did the shopping to find the best deal, etc and we agreed on a cap price. When their 40th anniversary came about, I wanted to send them on a cruise. DH and I paid for the cruise and my brother paid for several bottles of wine during the cruise [they were in their room upon arrival]. They recently wanted to do a professional picture of all the grand kids for mom and dad. Money was tight for us at that point so I volunteered to take a picture, have it developed large in b&w and sis-in-law bought the frame and matting for it. No grumbles either way. I should say that we are in similar financial situations, they probably make slightly more and only have 1 child while we have 3 and 1 income. So that might make a difference.

Trish

 

[poohluvrs]

We got a call from H's sister last week to inform us that his mom's 80th b-day is this Sept and they are planning a big party with all her friends & relatives, the cost is being split between the 9 kids and our share is $200. I could kind of tell from H's side of the phone conversation what was going on but he kept telling me he'd tell me about it when he hung up so I said "she better not be planning some big thing then handing us a bill" which she heard (good cause she needed to hear that )

I think this is very tacky to plan it without our input then tell us what we owe. All his siblings make good money and live in expensive houses, our house cost us under $30,000 and after living here over 12 yrs we're finally able to start fixing it up a little at a time so $200 is a big deal to us. The sister did ask the mom what she wanted for this milestone b-day and the party is what she said she wanted. Is this tacky or are we being cheap?

Calie

80th bday -= Big deal! Participate or you'll regret it!

We did this for DH parents 35th anniv! There are 7 kids in his family, we planned a special dinner & reserved 1/2 of a very expensive restaurant w/ the whole family. Of the 7 kids, 2 are in college & couldnt pay, but of the remaining 5 (many of whom brag about making 7 figures) only 3 of us split the entire check (over $600 a piece)!
Was I angry, yes, we had just had two babies & had no income, but I know I feel better than the cheapskates who stiffed us (i.e. DH's other brothers & sister)