If you were dating (1 year) living together (5 months)...

[NHdisneylover]

Looking back through OP's old threads--last year she references her child going into 4th grade. He may be older than we are thinking (but still too little to be put into all this).

OP also started a thread last year in February about her and her husband not agreeing if she should take a trip with just her son when they could not afford a trip that would include her husband and HIS child.

That would put this little boy on at least his third "live in father figure" type person--and would be a fast turn around from married last February, to out of that and living with someone else this January.

OP--I am not trying to be mean here--but just looking at that, it seems like you might tend to jump into relationships too quickly and too hard/intense and maybe your current boyfriend is really right about slowing down and giving things time

 

[NHdisneylover]

BTW--here is what I was referring to:

Try to make this short...

We are a blended family..myself and my son who is 8, then my husband and his son who is 13 and lives in Colorado with his mom and visits about 3 times a year.
We both have separate accts. He pays most of the living expenses (house, water, electric, cell phones, car insurance, etc), and anything for himself and his son (personel items), I pay for groceries and everything for myself and my son (personel items). This works great for us (based on his income and my income levels) most of the time!
We can't financially do a family trip this year together (all 4 of us). I've tried to work the numbers using my airline points, etc...but still come out with too much cash being needed (more than we have).
I have 50,000 airline points I can use along with 500 bucks of my own money. I can take myself and son to Disney in Oct (I picked Oct because he gets a week off of school, it gives me more time to save cash and the weather is great). I feel this is a great deal and a great opportunity to do a mommy and son trip.
He thinks we should all go as a family or none of us go, because it will hurt his sons feelings (who already feels my son is shown special treatment)..granted this is in Oct (his son won't be here and my husband can't get the time off). Plus he said it sends a 'divided' message to his son that we get to go and have fun and they don't.
I think I've covered most of the important points, if not I will try to explain better with any ?s you post
I'm really having a hard time understanding his viewpoints...am I wrong???

 

[Aliceacc]

Hmmmm... curiouser and curiouser.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Ok..let me clear some more things up...like my username luvmylittleboy2003

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. My user name was BEFORE we were together.

My son has aspergers, ADHD and ODD. I'm able to ge a sahm because I cashed out my 401 (from when I worked as a xray tech) payed off my car and all my bills with that money. I made that choice before we met so i could be home for my son when needed. What I spend for my son and I is from child support. I could make it on that and a part time job comfortably and still be there for my sons needs. I don't need my husbands money to do so!

My husband likes me being home, house clean, meals cooked, laundry done, etc...I work just as hard..at home!! We divided the bills the way we did, because although I can't put a figure on what I do..it still contributes to our family. I just don't have it in $$, but put 500 or so month on groceries.

We kept separate accts because it keeps it simple, most the time!!

The above is also from last year's thread.


OKay OP--your son was 8 last year, so I am assuming he is 9 or 10 now, born in 2003 and that is why the number is in your user name.

He has several identified emotional issues which make having to move from home to home and coping with that and even more so with gaining and the losing father figures (and at least at one point a step brother) even more difficult than it would be for a typical child.


16 months ago you were married and (by the end of that thread) happily planning family trips together. A year ago you started dating someone else. So there was, what? 4 months or less between "happily planning trips to Disney" and "marriage totally dissolved to the point that I am moving on and dating others" and only 6 months after that (less than a year after the earliest possible end to the last marriage) you were moving in with this current boyfriend.

PLEASE quit bouncing your child around like this. PLEASE. It is so unfair to him to move from place to place and relationship to relationship so quickly that it would make an adults head spin.

I hope you worked it out with your current boyfriend and can stay there happy, and stable. And, if by chance that relationship fails and you do go back to being on your own PLEASE slow waaaaay down in dating and do not even introduce a new man into your son's life unless you two have had a good long time together and have come to a point of both 100% agreeing on a long term future.

Your son deserves better than this. He doesn't need a piece of paper saying you are married (that meant nothing anyway in the past) or trips to Disney nearly as much as he needs stability.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hmmmm... curiouser and curiouser.

Funny thing is, you and I both posted on THAT thread. I had not recalled it though-- I was just looking to see how old the little boy really was and then BAM!

 

[FireDancer]

The above is also from last year's thread.


OKay OP--your son was 8 last year, so I am assuming he is 9 or 10 now, born in 2003 and that is why the number is in your user name.

He has several identified emotional issues which make having to move from home to home and coping with that and even more so with gaining and the losing father figures (and at least at one point a step brother) even more difficult than it would be for a typical child.


16 months ago you were married and (by the end of that thread) happily planning family trips together. A year ago you started dating someone else. So there was, what? 4 months or less between "happily planning trips to Disney" and "marriage totally dissolved to the point that I am moving on and dating others" and only 6 months after that (less than a year after the earliest possible end to the last marriage) you were moving in with this current boyfriend.

PLEASE quit bouncing your child around like this. PLEASE. It is so unfair to him to move from place to place and relationship to relationship so quickly that it would make an adults head spin.

I hope you worked it out with your current boyfriend and can stay there happy, and stable. And, if by chance that relationship fails and you do go back to being on your own PLEASE slow waaaaay down in dating and do not even introduce a new man into your son's life unless you two have had a good long time together and have come to a point of both 100% agreeing on a long term future.

Your son deserves better than this. He doesn't need a piece of paper saying you are married (that meant nothing anyway in the past) or trips to Disney nearly as much as he needs stability.

Hmmm, interesting. I didn't know there was a back story with this poster. It seems like rushing from relationship to relationship is what she does. No wonder she thinks the boyfriend is dragging his feet when he is actually going at a normal pace relationship wise. Dragging a son along with all of it just seems a little wrong.

 

[Aliceacc]

Dragging a son along with all of it just seems a little wrong.

Way, WAY more than "a little" in my book.


And, if my math is correct, that marriage of 2 years was not to the dad of that 8/9 year old. The one with Aspergers, which makes forming relationships hard. So in his short life, this poor child has seen the "loss"-- in whatever terms it might be-- of both his birth dad and his step dad of roughly 3 years. Now, after a 6 month relationship, his mom has moved him in with yet another father figure (or whatever your choose to call it), but without the benefit of any sort of committment.

That poor child.

 

[sbtrfly74]

Actually, the term stepfather was used, not father figure.

I never considered DBF as a stepfather because we are not married. Only once we are married will he be a stepfather. Until then he's just "my mom's boyfriend, John Doe".

I believe to a small child, if the boyfriend is living in the home, that is just semantics.

Semantics don't matter to a 5 year old. Just saying...

Actually it makes a huge difference to a 5 year old. I moved in with my now husband when my youngest was 5 and we didnt get married for 5 years after moving in together.

I found out from day one she referred to him as her stepfather to her teachers at school and he was heavily involved in her schooling (going on field trips, meetings etc) but we never told the school he was her step-father because technically he wasn't until we got married. But thats how she saw him from the get go after we moved in together but not when we were living separately.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Way, WAY more than "a little" in my book.


And, if my math is correct, that marriage of 2 years was not to the dad of that 8/9 year old. The one with Aspergers, which makes forming relationships hard. So in his short life, this poor child has seen the "loss"-- in whatever terms it might be-- of both his birth dad and his step dad of roughly 3 years. Now, after a 6 month relationship, his mom has moved him in with yet another father figure (or whatever your choose to call it), but without the benefit of any sort of committment.

That poor child.

That is how my math comes out too. And I agree that this is more than a "little" wrong--it is a LOT wrong.

 

[Buckalew11]

The above is also from last year's thread.


OKay OP--your son was 8 last year, so I am assuming he is 9 or 10 now, born in 2003 and that is why the number is in your user name.

He has several identified emotional issues which make having to move from home to home and coping with that and even more so with gaining and the losing father figures (and at least at one point a step brother) even more difficult than it would be for a typical child.


16 months ago you were married and (by the end of that thread) happily planning family trips together. A year ago you started dating someone else. So there was, what? 4 months or less between "happily planning trips to Disney" and "marriage totally dissolved to the point that I am moving on and dating others" and only 6 months after that (less than a year after the earliest possible end to the last marriage) you were moving in with this current boyfriend.

PLEASE quit bouncing your child around like this. PLEASE. It is so unfair to him to move from place to place and relationship to relationship so quickly that it would make an adults head spin.

I hope you worked it out with your current boyfriend and can stay there happy, and stable. And, if by chance that relationship fails and you do go back to being on your own PLEASE slow waaaaay down in dating and do not even introduce a new man into your son's life unless you two have had a good long time together and have come to a point of both 100% agreeing on a long term future.

Your son deserves better than this. He doesn't need a piece of paper saying you are married (that meant nothing anyway in the past) or trips to Disney nearly as much as he needs stability.

This!

I remember that thread well. There's always more to the story...

 

[goofyintoronto]

I remember that thread! I didnt post, but I did read. Wow! Thats disturbing, moving from relationship to relationship so quickly, with a kid to boot! This is what I was talking about before....some people, not saying its the OP, but some people want to be in a relationship so bad, it seems as thou they dont really care who its with, they just want to "be married"!! Thats what it seems like anyway. (I actually know people like this who admitted they cannot be alone! Just awful). So in a matter of months, the OP went from being married to someone to moving in with a different guy....that seriously cannot be good for the child.

I really dont understand the need to jump into another marriage after only a year of being together?

The above is also from last year's thread.


OKay OP--your son was 8 last year, so I am assuming he is 9 or 10 now, born in 2003 and that is why the number is in your user name.

He has several identified emotional issues which make having to move from home to home and coping with that and even more so with gaining and the losing father figures (and at least at one point a step brother) even more difficult than it would be for a typical child.


16 months ago you were married and (by the end of that thread) happily planning family trips together. A year ago you started dating someone else. So there was, what? 4 months or less between "happily planning trips to Disney" and "marriage totally dissolved to the point that I am moving on and dating others" and only 6 months after that (less than a year after the earliest possible end to the last marriage) you were moving in with this current boyfriend.

PLEASE quit bouncing your child around like this. PLEASE. It is so unfair to him to move from place to place and relationship to relationship so quickly that it would make an adults head spin.

I hope you worked it out with your current boyfriend and can stay there happy, and stable. And, if by chance that relationship fails and you do go back to being on your own PLEASE slow waaaaay down in dating and do not even introduce a new man into your son's life unless you two have had a good long time together and have come to a point of both 100% agreeing on a long term future.

Your son deserves better than this. He doesn't need a piece of paper saying you are married (that meant nothing anyway in the past) or trips to Disney nearly as much as he needs stability.

YES. And its VERY wrong i think.

Hmmm, interesting. I didn't know there was a back story with this poster. It seems like rushing from relationship to relationship is what she does. No wonder she thinks the boyfriend is dragging his feet when he is actually going at a normal pace relationship wise. Dragging a son along with all of it just seems a little wrong.

 

[lillygator]

wow, this is interesting. But no way would I be moving my child and myself in with someone after that amount of time.

this poor boy, hopefully he will not have the issues that guy on the bachelorette has.....with male abandonment.

 

[dansamy]

Actually it makes a huge difference to a 5 year old. I moved in with my now husband when my youngest was 5 and we didnt get married for 5 years after moving in together.

I found out from day one she referred to him as her stepfather to her teachers at school and he was heavily involved in her schooling (going on field trips, meetings etc) but we never told the school he was her step-father because technically he wasn't until we got married. But thats how she saw him from the get go after we moved in together but not when we were living separately.

That was my point. The adults are all saying it's just semantics. The 5 year old doesn't care. He lives in my house. He sleeps in the bed with my mom. He takes me to school & church, etc. He's my dad. That's a 5 year old's perspective.

 

[timmac]

I remember that thread! I didnt post, but I did read. Wow! Thats disturbing, moving from relationship to relationship so quickly, with a kid to boot! This is what I was talking about before....some people, not saying its the OP, but some people want to be in a relationship so bad, it seems as thou they dont really care who its with, they just want to "be married"!! Thats what it seems like anyway. (I actually know people like this who admitted they cannot be alone! Just awful).

My mom was this same way for quite some time. She's now on her fourth marriage, and from what I can tell, finally on the one that will last. After her first fell apart (that is, the one between her and my dad), she jumped between a lot of boyfriends, at least three different ones that I can recall by name.

Eventually she found "the one" to remarry. It was to someone whom showed a lot of red flags, at one point involving an incident between him and myself and borderline physical abuse, though the case was dismissed in court. In my mind, despite the dismissal, that it even got that far should have been a clear indicator that maybe something wasn't right, but nonetheless she married him. Three years later when she told me her plans of leaving him, she explained that she was going to have movers come while he was at work, and leave him a letter "Dear John" style, for fear that if she told him in person he would get violent. ::shrug::

The next year or so saw less of the boyfriend jumping, but it wasn't another two years before she was marrying again. That marriage lasted about seven years, until she found out he was cheating on her.

I should not that I was living with my dad through all this, so not directly affected as in the case of OP's child, but I certainly observed it. Mostly it was the "always has to be married" thing that caught my attention.

Back to the OP's plight, it did seem as though the post about "we figured it out now, everyone is happy" was exceedingly vague, even compared against all other OP posts which though limited in information, did seem to offer specifics. Even without knowing additional backstory that has since come to light, the really generic "it's all better" post definitely was a head scratcher for me.

 

[goofyintoronto]

My mom was this same way for quite some time. She's now on her fourth marriage, and from what I can tell, finally on the one that will last. After her first fell apart (that is, the one between her and my dad), she jumped between a lot of boyfriends, at least three different ones that I can recall by name.

Eventually she found "the one" to remarry. It was to someone whom showed a lot of red flags, at one point involving an incident between him and myself and borderline physical abuse, though the case was dismissed in court. In my mind, despite the dismissal, that it even got that far should have been a clear indicator that maybe something wasn't right, but nonetheless she married him. Three years later when she told me her plans of leaving him, she explained that she was going to have movers come while he was at work, and leave him a letter "Dear John" style, for fear that if she told him in person he would get violent. ::shrug::

The next year or so saw less of the boyfriend jumping, but it wasn't another two years before she was marrying again. That marriage lasted about seven years, until she found out he was cheating on her.

I should not that I was living with my dad through all this, so not directly affected as in the case of OP's child, but I certainly observed it. Mostly it was the "always has to be married" thing that caught my attention.

Back to the OP's plight, it did seem as though the post about "we figured it out now, everyone is happy" was exceedingly vague, even compared against all other OP posts which though limited in information, did seem to offer specifics. Even without knowing additional backstory that has since come to light, the really generic "it's all better" post definitely was a head scratcher for me.

Definitely a head scratcher for me too! I found the posts to be VERY odd.

Anyway timmac, thanks for sharing your story. Its definitely interesting to see things from the kids side.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes, I also thought the "everything is fine now" post seemed really odd--especially given that they supposedly talked before and did not communicate well.

 

[luvmylittleboy2003]

Why is it so hard to believe?? I came here and asked for advise...I sorted through the beneficial posts and ignored the hateful/mean/judgmental ones!! I don't have all the answers in life, I'm not perfect!! I came hear to get different viewpoints, not to have my life or my parenting skills judged and critiqued. There is much more to my life than what I post here. It's not as black and white as a few of y'all have made it, and yes...even though I'm in my 40s.. I'm still trying to figure things out (due to situations I've never disclosed on here) and sometimes it's nice to have other people give their opinions in constructive ways!! I'm sorry I did and I won't be back!
However, I do want to say thank you to the ones who truly didn't past judgement, that offered advice and understood we all aren't perfect and have perfect lives!! I did as many of you said, and had a heart-to-heart with my bf, I didn't disclose all the details, didn't feel it was needed for it to be believable!! Contrary to how others feel on here, I feel very good about it and the step WE are taking in the right direction! I didn't say it was perfect or fixed...
Feel free to 'flame away' to those that find it necessary....

 

[ChristyF]

I'm sorry to hijack the thread. Alice, I'm trying to get in touch with you and don't have enough posts to message you. If you see this, will you message me? Thanks!
ChristyF

Way, WAY more than "a little" in my book.


And, if my math is correct, that marriage of 2 years was not to the dad of that 8/9 year old. The one with Aspergers, which makes forming relationships hard. So in his short life, this poor child has seen the "loss"-- in whatever terms it might be-- of both his birth dad and his step dad of roughly 3 years. Now, after a 6 month relationship, his mom has moved him in with yet another father figure (or whatever your choose to call it), but without the benefit of any sort of committment.

That poor child.

 

[Buckalew11]

I'm sorry to hijack the thread. Alice, I'm trying to get in touch with you and don't have enough posts to message you. If you see this, will you message me? Thanks!
ChristyF

ChristyF, I sent her a PM with a link to your thread to her. Good luck!

 

[lillygator]

interesting update!