Getting my daughter to bundle up

[nugov2]

Like others have said this IMO is not the hill to die on. I have 3 kids and all have different levels of temperature tolerance. My middle guy is always cold and will bundle up if it is 40. My oldest and youngest are always hot and hate winter coats, hats etc. It is their body so I let them decide what is comfortable. Why should I force them to bundle up and be sweaty and miserable just because I feel it is cold. Now if the temperatures were below zero or dangerous to them in any way that is different, but I've never had a issue with them when Temps are that extreme. 30 or 20 nobody is going to be put at risk outside with their coat open or without gloves or hat. My kids don't like coats on in cars either.

One tip make sure you aren't buying things that are uncomfortable for your dd. My dd hates hats so I buy her a earband, they all hate bulky coats so I invest in North face where you can get a very thin coat that is still warm.

As to the person who said 50 degree for coats...lol we walk around with sweatshirts only and my Dh and dd would be comfortable in shorts in that weather. Even more evidence everyone has different thresholds for what is cold.

 

[tasha99]

My mom still nags my brother, he is 41. My kids have never seen him in long pants. He just doesn't get cold until it is below zero really.

This is me. I am 49, & I have had several coworkers recently chastise me about my lack of a coat because it was five below. I have a down parka with a hood that reaches my knees. I have boots. I have gloves. I have a hat. I have a thermal blanket and chemical heat packs. They all ride in the passenger seat of my car in case I get in an accident. But for the walk from the parking lot to where I work, I see no need for a coat. Now if I were out there alone I would probably bundle up. Because if I fell on the ice it could be a while before I was found. But during the work day someone would see me.

 

[Magpie]

I can see both sides of this. Natural consequences can work, to a certain extent. Sure, they learn to make wise choices by being allowed to make choices but you have to first teach them appropriate behavior and then allow them to make their own choices when they have a good foundation. If you can't win the coat in the winter battle when she is 6 how are you going to win the bootie-shorts and tube top battle when she is 16?

Natural consequences would work if she steps outside and immediately decides she wants a coat. Wouldn't work so well if she gets on the bus without it and 10 minutes later wants her coat. Then she is without it all day. I don't know where you or the OP lives but it would not surprise me at all if a parent got reported to CPS for sending their 6 year old to school with no coat. But, we live in the Great White North where you could actually get frostbite if you are outside without being appropriately dressed.

Because... I don't see a connection between allowing my six year old to dress herself for winter and allowing my sixteen year old to dress herself for a date? It's really NOT a slippery slope! Otherwise, we'd be telling parents not to even let their children pick their own color of socks in the morning.

Not every difference of opinion between you and your child has to end with a winner and a loser. Parenting isn't about making sure you always "win" every little battle when they're small, out of fear you'll lose the big battles when they're older. In fact, I think all that style of parenting does is teach your kids to fight harder, in the hopes of someday winning and making you the loser.

If the child is cold 10 minutes later on the bus, the coat is in her backpack. I didn't say send her without a coat altogether - I also live in Canada! And not in one of the warm parts like BC or Toronto, yesterday.

Also about CPs... I work with young kids. The schools in our district do not call CPS on parents for a child showing up without a jacket in winter. Instead, the child is made to miss recess, sitting indoors and watching all their friends go out to play, and a note is sent home to the parents advising them of this. If the parent continues to send the child to school without a jacket, policy then dictates that the parent will be contacted to find out if they need help getting warm winter clothes for the kids (some parents have trouble affording it, and don't know where to turn). CPS has MUCH bigger issues to deal with than a kid going to school without a coat. (The kid is actually going to school! Hurray!)

So, even if the child went to school without her jacket, the consequences would just pile on, as in addition to being cold, she'd also miss recess.

The biggest challenge for me would be resisting the urge to say, "I told you so," when she got home. (Ideally I'd just stick a bowl of hot soup in front of her, and try to sound sympathetic when she told me her woes.)

 

[dclpluto]

people handle cold differently. Your daughter will button up her coat or put on her gloves when needed for her. In the northeast don't know about other places we are having a mild winter. Where are you from?

 

[Turn the Page]

Because... I don't see a connection between allowing my six year old to dress herself for winter and allowing my sixteen year old to dress herself for a date? It's really NOT a slippery slope! Otherwise, we'd be telling parents not to even let their children pick their own color of socks in the morning.

Not every difference of opinion between you and your child has to end with a winner and a loser. Parenting isn't about making sure you always "win" every little battle when they're small, out of fear you'll lose the big battles when they're older. In fact, I think all that style of parenting does is teach your kids to fight harder, in the hopes of someday winning and making you the loser.

You don't see the connection between your child ignoring you when told to put their coat on in January at 6 and ignoring you when you tell them not to dress like a tramp at 16? Ok then. I see it as the child was taught at 6 they didn't have to listen to you so why would they listen at 16 but to each their own.

No one said anything about making every difference of opinion between a parent and child end with a winner and a loser. Who cares what color socks the are wearing as long as they are wearing socks? I don't care what color socks, what color shirt, what color pants or whatever the kids wear. But if it's the middle of winter, and a real winter, not Florida winter, they are going to wear proper clothing which means no tank tops to school and they are going to walk out the door in a winter coat, hats, and mittens at 6 years old whether they like it or not. At 16? If they want to be cold they can knock themselves out. But not 6.

There are notes in the weekly school newsletter every single week about making sure kids have the proper outdoor gear this time of year because it is such a widespread problem.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

You don't see the connection between your child ignoring you when told to put their coat on in January at 6 and ignoring you when you tell them not to dress like a tramp at 16? Ok then. I see it as the child was taught at 6 they didn't have to listen to you so why would they listen at 16 but to each their own.

No one said anything about making every difference of opinion between a parent and child end with a winner and a loser. Who cares what color socks the are wearing as long as they are wearing socks? I don't care what color socks, what color shirt, what color pants or whatever the kids wear. But if it's the middle of winter, and a real winter, not Florida winter, they are going to wear proper clothing which means no tank tops to school and they are going to walk out the door in a winter coat, hats, and mittens at 6 years old whether they like it or not. At 16? If they want to be cold they can knock themselves out. But not 6.

There are notes in the weekly school newsletter every single week about making sure kids have the proper outdoor gear this time of year because it is such a widespread problem.

You are beyond reaching to make the connection.

Or maybe my family is weird. We don't argue over cold weather clothes. And yet I have a 15.5 year old who has managed to not try and wear booty shorts.

I hate to break it to you--but in the realm of modest clothing and not dressing like a tramp, not once anywhere in any publication or talk on the subject has a connection ever been made that if a 6yo refuses to wear a coat in winter and the parents cave that said child will dress like a streetwalker in high school.

But this is the DIS--known for its peer reviewed research posting on all things related to child rearing.

 

[Magpie]

You don't see the connection between your child ignoring you when told to put their coat on in January at 6 and ignoring you when you tell them not to dress like a tramp at 16? Ok then. I see it as the child was taught at 6 they didn't have to listen to you so why would they listen at 16 but to each their own.

No one said anything about making every difference of opinion between a parent and child end with a winner and a loser. Who cares what color socks the are wearing as long as they are wearing socks? I don't care what color socks, what color shirt, what color pants or whatever the kids wear. But if it's the middle of winter, and a real winter, not Florida winter, they are going to wear proper clothing which means no tank tops to school and they are going to walk out the door in a winter coat, hats, and mittens at 6 years old whether they like it or not. At 16? If they want to be cold they can knock themselves out. But not 6.

There are notes in the weekly school newsletter every single week about making sure kids have the proper outdoor gear this time of year because it is such a widespread problem.

"Ignoring" a parent is not the same thing as saying, "I don't want to button up my coat!" and the parent responding, "Okay, your choice."

If I give the child a choice, then the child has a choice. Choices are good, even when the choices they make aren't exactly the same as the ones I'd make. There's no ignoring happening. No fight, either.

Proper winter clothing may be the hill you choose to die on. It's not mine. I expected my children to be capable of knowing if they were cold by age six, and able to figure out how to keep themselves warm and comfortable, when provided with the means to do so.

For the record, I've raised my kids well past sixteen. They both dressed themselves appropriately as teens, even the girl, without any input from me. Clothing choices weren't a matter of conflict between us at six, OR sixteen. Even though yes, sometimes they went out and played without their coats on. Or ran into the snow in their bare feet. No one froze. And no one grew up to be the neighbourhood trollop, either.

 

[Turn the Page]

You are beyond reaching to make the connection.

Or maybe my family is weird. We don't argue over cold weather clothes. And yet I have a 15.5 year old who has managed to not try and wear booty shorts.

I hate to break it to you--but in the realm of modest clothing and not dressing like a tramp, not once anywhere in any publication or talk on the subject has a connection ever been made that if a 6yo refuses to wear a coat in winter and the parents cave that said child will dress like a streetwalker in high school.

But this is the DIS--known for its peer reviewed research posting on all things related to child rearing.

It was an example. The point is if the child won't listen to you now, why would they listen to you when they're older about something bigger. The skimpy clothes was just an example.

 

[Magpie]

It was an example. The point is if the child won't listen to you now, why would they listen to you when they're older about something bigger. The skimpy clothes was just an example.

Or, you know, you could demonstrate for the child how a thoughtful, reasonable person takes into account another person's feelings and desires. "Okay, I've decided you don't have to wear your mittens, but you do have to put them in your backpack, so that you can wear them later, if you change your mind." No conflict! And a child who is FAR more likely to listen to your opinions at sixteen, because you've been listening to theirs all along, and being a good example to them with regards to how people communicate.

Versus the authoritarian approach, "Put your mittens on, NOW!" followed by a series of escalating punishments for "not listening" (which really means "not obeying").

OR the equally ineffective, "Please put your mittens on, sweetie pie. Please? Make mummy happy! I'll give you a cookie!"

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

It was an example. The point is if the child won't listen to you now, why would they listen to you when they're older about something bigger. The skimpy clothes was just an example.

It was a poor example.

The thing about how we feel in heat or cold is very personal.

By a parent forcing their will on said child out of a need to follow some arbitrary guideline the parent set is what leads to rebellion later.

OP hasn't responded with the temperature, yet. So we don't know if OP is being over the top or if there is a safety concern. By saying the child won't zipper a jacket, I suspect it isn't cold enough for the child to die of exposure.

If there is a true safety risk, then the child must obey. Just as they must with a seat belt in the car or to not run with scissors.

But if mom thinks 50 is freezing and child does not--it isn't a hill to die on as there is no safety risk unless said child was out in the elements for a prolonged period of time. No sense in making the child dress uncomfortable to suit mom's internal thermostat.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have to disagree with the assumption that most all kids will self-determine that they need to bundle up, etc... (FLAME SUIT IS ON)
BTDT. From the mother of a kid who has seen, her kid as a teenager, with no heavy storm hoodies or his jacket because friends, girlfriend, had them all, or they were left at school or at a friend's house, etc....

At six years old, my kid would not be walking out the door below a certain temperature, without appropriate clothing.. Just the way it would be.

And, it would NOT be 'put that coat on NOW...'
If the kid wants to go out the door, they must have the appropriate clothing on their body, or gloves in the pockets, etc... or nothing happens.
Kind of like, "Hey, the car doesn't move until all seatbelts are on."

OP: Where you are going wrong is with the 'nagging'...
Believe me... I would suspect that this kid has already developed a moderate level of 'mommie deafness'.
Stand at the door, make it clear that nobody goes outside on such a cold day until they have their coat on, whatever. Lather, Rinse, Repeat...
And be very very very patient and persistant.
No nagging... no negotiating... no inconsistancy.

Believe me, I am one of those parents who knows you have to choose your battles.
And, this is not about telling a kid they have to wear 'the pretty pink coat'. Whether that is their style or preference, or not.

But, at six years old, IMHO, sometimes it is about respect, and not being disobedient and disrespectful to their parents, and reasonable rules/requests.

Yes, one has to very very carefully choose their battles.
To always be nagging, negotiating, begging, threatening, etc... over every little thing, including things that should be left up to the kid to decide... Then, it sets up the situation where everything is a control issue and battle...

IMHO, with a six year old, appropriate winter clothing when temperatures fall below a certain level would be one of the battles I might choose.

 

[Magpie]

I have to disagree with the assumption that most all kids will self-determine that they need to bundle up, etc... (FLAME SUIT IS ON)
BTDT. From the mother of a kid who has seen, her kid as a teenager, with no heavy storm hoodies or his jacket because friends, girlfriend, had them all, or they were left at school or at a friend's house, etc....

At six years old, my kid would not be walking out the door below a certain temperature, without appropriate clothing.. Just the way it would be.

And, it would NOT be 'put that coat on NOW...'
If the kid wants to go out the door, they must have the appropriate clothing on their body, or gloves in the pockets, etc... or nothing happens.
Kind of like, "Hey, the car doesn't move until all seatbelts are on."

OP: Where you are going wrong is with the 'nagging'...
Believe me... I would suspect that this kid has already developed a moderate level of 'mommie deafness'.
Stand at the door, make it clear that nobody goes outside on such a cold day until they have their coat on, whatever. Lather, Rinse, Repeat...
And be very very very patient and persistant.
No nagging... no negotiating... no inconsistancy.

Believe me, I am one of those parents who knows you have to choose your battles.
And, this is not about telling a kid they have to wear 'the pretty pink coat'. Whether that is their style or preference, or not.

But, at six years old, IMHO, sometimes it is about respect, and not being disobedient and disrespectful to their parents, and reasonable rules/requests.

Yes, one has to very very carefully choose their battles.
To always be nagging, negotiating, begging, threatening, etc... over every little thing, including things that should be left up to the kid to decide... Then, it sets up the situation where everything is a control issue and battle...

IMHO, with a six year old, appropriate winter clothing when temperatures fall below a certain level would be one of the battles I might choose.

I like your approach!

IF winter coats had ever been a thing I thought were absolutely necessary, this is exactly how I'd approach it. Make it a hard and fast rule. When the temperature drops below X, you will wear a coat. No one leaves the house until all coats are on. If the kids protest, just point at the thermometer.

On the hills I chose, this was almost always my approach, too. Clear rules, clear expectations, and one very, very stubborn mommy.

We treated seatbelts exactly like this.

Now... a question for the OP. If the jacket is on, does it really matter if it's zipped up?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Me here, again, I agree with the above... thanks Magpie.

OP, are you driving your daughter to and from school?
Or are you sending her out to the bus, to school and back?
What are the low temps where you live?

Like one other poster, myself, I can not stand to ride in an enclosed car, etc, with any heat running, with my coat on.
When driving, just getting into the drivers seat, buckling up the seat-belt, etc... are logistical issues if I were to wear a real coat.
Would it suffice to just see that she throws the coat over her shoulders and has it with her?

While I do agree that, if you are certain that this is imperative, and 'one of those hills', you should handle it the way that is being described.
I am not so sure that the whole 'bundle up' and zip up for the ride on the way to school and back is so important.

I am remembering the little brother in the Christmas Story, when the mom bundled him up to such a degree that he couldn't even lower his arms or walk normally!!!! Hahahaha!!!

There are extremes on both sides of this.
If this is your first/oldest child, and you are a relatively new mom, just give a little consideration to whether you are being that new mom who over-does it with the care and concern and things like bundling up their little snowflake.

 

[Turn the Page]

Me here, again, I agree with the above... thanks Magpie.

OP, are you driving your daughter to and from school?
Or are you sending her out to the bus, to school and back?
What are the low temps where you live?

Like one other poster, myself, I can not stand to ride in an enclosed car, etc, with any heat running, with my coat on.
When driving, just getting into the drivers seat, buckling up the seat-belt, etc... are logistical issues if I were to wear a real coat.
Would it suffice to just see that she throws the coat over her shoulders and has it with her?

While I do agree that, if you are certain that this is imperative, and 'one of those hills', you should handle it the way that is being described.
I am not so sure that the whole 'bundle up' and zip up for the ride on the way to school and back is so important.

I am remembering the little brother in the Christmas Story, when the mom bundled him up to such a degree that he couldn't even lower his arms or walk normally!!!! Hahahaha!!!

There are extremes on both sides of this.
If this is your first/oldest child, and you are a relatively new mom, just give a little consideration to whether you are being that new mom who over-does it with the care and concern and things like bundling up their little snowflake.

My mom dressed my brother like he was getting ready for extended deep sea diving.

"Mmwhwmdmd"
"What?"
"Mmmwhamd"
"What?"
undoes scarf
"I can't put my arms down.!!!"
"Put your arms down when you get to school."

 

[aaarcher86]

If a kid learns that they don't have to listen as a teenager over a winter coat issue at 6 years old there's something deeper going on.

It's not one or the other. Put the coat on, put the mittens and hat in the pocket and let the kid know they're there. If her fingers are cold she's not just going to let herself suffer knowing they're there. If her fingers are fine she won't put them on. Everyone wins.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I wouldn't make that assumption, aaarcher.
Dynamics start young.
I would not assume that expecting some respect and compliance at all times (control) will produce the perfect teen.
Or, the other way around.
But, I do feel that 'listening' and 'respect', start very young.

And, also, a question. When you say put the coat on, do you mean to have the kid put the coat on, or grab it and put it on them.

Around here, by six years old, dressing, tying shoes, etc... is a huge huge thing to be judged.
A kid is 'expected' to be independent when it comes to those kinds of things, and the schools and other parents, etc.. basically would show some real judgement towards a mother who does this king of thing. Kind of like taking a 4-5 year old to the 'potty' and wiping for them.
I can remember seeing that kind of judgement as early as 3 years old with my somewhat special needs son.

 

[Magpie]

I wouldn't make that assumption, aaarcher.
Dynamics start young.
I would not assume that expecting some respect and compliance at all times (control) will produce the perfect teen.
Or, the other way around.
But, I do feel that 'listening' and 'respect', start very young.

And, also, a question. When you say put the coat on, do you mean to have the kid put the coat on, or grab it and put it on them.

Around here, by six years old, dressing, tying shoes, etc... is a huge huge thing to be judged.
A kid is 'expected' to be independent when it comes to those kinds of things, and the schools and other parents, etc.. basically would show some real judgement towards a mother who does this king of thing. Kind of like taking a 4-5 year old to the 'potty' and wiping for them.
I can remember seeing that kind of judgement as early as 3 years old with my somewhat special needs son.

The rule in our house was, "If the child CAN do it for themselves, they SHOULD do it for themselves."

That said, I did try to make it as easy as possible. Coat hooks at child level. Labeled bins for toys. Step stool at the sink. Clothes that were easy to get on and off. Velcro sneakers (actually required by our school for kindergarten, because no one has time to tie 30 sets of laces!).

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Maybe we just have a weird family, but is it normal for a child to be so defiant that they are willing to shiver and insist they aren't cold? I get teaching respect and obedience.

To relate it to toilet training--a young child cannot necessarily tell if they have done a proper job. It is a hygiene issue.

For the coat, unless there was a safety issue--why pick that as the opportunity to insist on obedience every time?

My kids seem to know when they are cold and aren't too shy about letting me know. I have never had to force a winter coat on them. I will make them take it WITH them. But I never try to bundle them up when it is above freezing. The exception is when they cannot communicate their needs and so then get bundled up based on how I feel about the temperature.

But I also let my then-4yo head to Target with a shirt that doesn't match her skirt that doesn't match her tights that doesn't match her shoes that don't match each other all while she has 52 hair barrettes strategically placed on her head.

 

[nugov2]

There is a huge difference between a child being disobedient and having an opinion and feelings that differ from yours. My kids are allowed to have a difference of opinion with me as long as they are respectful. OP have you asked your child why they don't want to wear those items...that might be the place to start. I also find it hilarious that allowing a child to decide if they wear a coat or not will lead to dressing like a tramp one day. I don't think this issue has anything to do with being obedient or not, it is about getting to the root of the problem.

Is the kid who refuses to eat eggplant Parmasean being disrespectful or is it a texture issue and it is something that turns their stomach when they eat it. I am not a short order cook for my kids, but I respect the kids right to choose not to like a meal and not be forced to eat it. They do have to try it and I don't mean one tiny barely there bite before deciding. I don't believe my kids should be rude, disrespectful or free to make their own rules, but I do believe they are allowed to form their own opinions and have likes and dislikes that differ from me. Deciding what temperature their body is comfortable is their choice and I have never had a situation where they haven't dressed appropriately in dangerous weather conditions and believe me we have them every winter. My dd wears a tank and shorts pj's to bed when it is 20 below zero and I have super warm fleece pj's on. She isn't shivering and in safe and comfortable. Who am I to tell her she has to wear winter pjs. My DH wears shorts all the time in the winter because he us always hot.

 

[kamik86]

Maybe we just have a weird family, but is it normal for a child to be so defiant that they are willing to shiver and insist they aren't cold? I get teaching respect and obedience.

To relate it to toilet training--a young child cannot necessarily tell if they have done a proper job. It is a hygiene issue.

For the coat, unless there was a safety issue--why pick that as the opportunity to insist on obedience every time?

My kids seem to know when they are cold and aren't too shy about letting me know. I have never had to force a winter coat on them. I will make them take it WITH them. But I never try to bundle them up when it is above freezing. The exception is when they cannot communicate their needs and so then get bundled up based on how I feel about the temperature.

But I also let my then-4yo head to Target with a shirt that doesn't match her skirt that doesn't match her tights that doesn't match her shoes that don't match each other all while she has 52 hair barrettes strategically placed on her head.

Lol I thought my parents were the only ones that let me dress like that a few times lol... I guess by me (daughter number 4) my parents just learned that I didn't always have to have clothes that match properly. (Frankly now I only have pants that pretty much match anything, jeans, black pants, grey pants, khakis, so I can still grab any shirt and any pair of pants)